Closed the weight of the world pv evelynn

Tick, tick, tick.

The watch on the bedside made itself the centre of attention despite the din of surrounding chatter, the sound of the second hand tracking down the time like a countdown to some ominous conclusion. Neatly plaited crimson tresses looped themselves over a pillow to frame the face of one particular prefect who was supposed to be very much asleep. Sleep would not be coming easily tonight, however, and not for the usual reasons of its general elusiveness. Moonlight filtered through the crack of the drapes that veiled the nearby window, its luminescence glinting off a pair of eyes that reflected silver in the darkness. They stared ahead towards the bedside stand, but it wasn't to it, nor even the watch resting upon it, they looked. It was to the next bed over. The one that remained suspiciously empty.

With a huff of air from her nose, Evelynn finally stirred, pushing off her duvet to reach for the watch. It was well past curfew now. There should have been a girl sleeping soundly in that bed. Where was Bellamy? Feet would swing themselves off the edge of the bed, bare feet slipping into a pair of quilted slippers. For at least an hour, now, she had been trying to convince herself that her friend was just occupied in the loo, or had slipped in and out unseen somehow and had been working on assignments in the common room without realizing the time. But as the minutes, then hours, ticked by, she could no longer keep up that forced denial. Not when the lioness had been acting strangely all day and missed supper.

Fingers tapped themselves on the edge of her mattress, silent with the cushioning of the sheets. Part of her felt compelled to investigate. Another, hesitant to leave the dorm. After all, it was past curfew. Even as a prefect, she had always taken care to return to Gryffindor Tower by the time her own extended curfew was due so as to set a good example and avoid any need for staff to place a watchful eye upon her. But this was more than a little concerning, and she couldn't shake the worry that perhaps something had happened. She closed her eyes, and took a breath. By the time she had fully released it and opened them again, she was already preparing to stand. A hand moved past the watch to the windowed maple-case that sat to its opposite side. Without a sound, she lifted its lid and pulled her wand from its stand. Not wanting to risk waking any of her peers or attracting attention, she grabbed her cloak from its hook, bundled it as tightly as possible and draped it with a towel.

Silent steps carried her from her bed to the entrance. It wasn't until she was already taking her leave through the great wampus maw that served as a doorway that a disembodied voice trailed after her with an accusatory, "Where are you going."

"I am quite allowed to visit the toilets without being questioned, thank you very much," Evelynn had cut back in a hushed tone, hoping the towel would support the notion. It wasn't technically a lie. The prefect had never said she was going to the loo. Although she would, anyway, cutting into the toilet just long enough to check that Ivy wasn't there, discard the towel and pull over her cloak. Then it was just a matter of creeping quietly down the spiral steps to the common room. There, as well, she checked for the presence of the girl (and anyone else who might have been illicitly out of bed). It was empty.

As she clambered as gracefully as able through the portrait hole, the question remained: where was she? Fortunately, Evelynn thought she might have a pretty good idea. Feet were already pattering off stone steps as she descended the spiral staircase of the tower and away from the portrait as it swung shut. She had to admit, while the slippers might not have been the most practical for where she was headed, they were notably more muffled than her usual riding boots. picking up speed as she went, she was taking the steps two at a time by the time she reached the bottom and hurried straight for the front oak doors on the ground floor. A quick sweep of her gaze around the entrance was all that would be afforded before she pushed them open just wide enough to slip out.

The cool night air hit her like a rousing cup of coffee. Those stray wisps of hair that had loosed themselves from her braid would dance about her face in the breeze, and all the more so as she took off again. Practically gliding across the courtyard, swift strides bee-lined her towards the bridge that would spill out onto the grounds. Above, the moon hung bright in the sky. It had been full only a few days prior and the light it still reflected was more than enough to provide ample illumination to find her way. Rather fortunate, really. Any darker and she might have needed to use her wand which would have come with the risk of giving herself away.

On the grounds, she veered away from the castle along an oh so familiar route. Every morning, she would run up and down the length of the lake; and every lunch hour (when weather permitted), she would pick her way to her favourite tree to eat and study beneath its canopy. And it was towards the lake now that she would make her way again for the third time that day. Only that day, the noon showers had forced her to the library instead and she had not been able to enjoy the lakeside until the afternoon. She had seen Ivy, then, wandering along the shoreline, but had let her be, occupied as she was already with her own work. And then the prefect had seen her again, still lingering around the same place, when Evelynn was returning to the castle following her flying practice that evening.

Suspicion paid off. Silhouetted against the reflection of the moon on the otherwise black lake, Evelynn spotted a familiar shape on her approach. Relief was the first thing she felt. Relief to know that her hunt was not to be a long one and also to know that nothing dire had transpired. But concern followed shortly in its wake. To be lingering out of bed past curfew and in the same place for a prolonged period of time... this was very acharacteristic of the usually lively lion. Before long, the grass that had softened her steps gave way to a grittier substrate as lawn transitioned to shoreline, her presence betrayed by the sound of her approach. And yet... the figure didn't look back.

"...Ivy?" For a moment, Evelynn wondered if she had been mistaken, if she had just assumed the identity out of a desire to have found her. She had half expected a foreign face to turn her way, perhaps even one that was twisted and malformed into the image of some sort of mimic successfully having baited her near before launching on her in an assault that would go entirely unnoticed until morning. But although she knew—or hoped for—that to be nonsense, her hand gripped just a little tighter about her wand as she continued her approach. "Are you aware of the time?" Came the gentle query, all doubt of the figure's identity cast aside now that she was near enough to see her face. "You should be back in our dorm.. What are you doing out here?"

@evelynn decipio

Of all people to find her sitting alone in the dark, of course it had to be Evelynn.

It would have been easier to deal with if someone who she had no connections with had found her. A professor who didn't know her well wouldn't have known that she had been on edge all day; they would have likely taken the first excuse that came out of her mouth and given her a detention without asking any further questions. And the whole thing would be over already... she would have been just another stupid, annoying kid who broke a rule. But Evelynn was the closest friend she had here at Hogwarts, and while she was hardly the overly-intrusive kind of person, Ivy knew that her strange behaviour from earlier that day combined with this uncharacteristic rulebreaking would not be so easily explained away. Questions would be asked, questions that would slowly but surely push at Ivy's barriers until all the sickening feelings inside of her forced their way to the surface and broke the facade she'd maintained for months. She didn't want to have to deal with that right now. She was so tired.

Getting to her feet, she brushed the dirt off her robes, trying to put together a convincing story in her head. It took her a few more seconds to find her voice. "I..." She swallowed. "I just dozed off... I didn't mean to stay out so late." Somewhere in the back of her mind, disappointment unfurled at the realisation that her first instinct had been to lie. "The time... it just got away from me I guess..." She made an attempt to smile casually. Her words were delivered hesitantly, as if she didn't quite believe in them herself. Ivy vaguely recalled that she used to be pretty good at lying to people. "I'm... I'm sorry. I'm fine, I promise..." She trailed off and took a few steps backwards, half convinced that putting distance between them would block out the burning shame she felt at fibbing to her best friend so easily.

"I'm fine," she repeated, and tried to smile again. Underneath her flippant tone, there was an underlying note of emotion that was hard to miss, and she hated herself for letting it show. A moment passed, then another, and the smile slowly dropped away.

"You know, it's... it's my little sister's birthday today," she finally said. "She..." Ivy hesitated. "Her name was Alison."

Thinking of it now, she could not recall if she had ever told Evelynn about what had happened to her younger sister. Maybe she had, maybe she hadn't - Ivy's memory wasn't working all that well right now. All the events of the past half-year were jumbled up in her mind, brushed carelessly to the corner as she honed in on the night of her sister's accident in particular. When Alison had died, there was shock and numbness first, and then a strong desire to keep herself busy, to avoid the tears and the horrible, horrible grief. Upon returning to Hogwarts, Ivy threw herself into the schoolwork and the activities that were offered, tried to appear as normal as possible and pushed the memories of her sister out of her mind. And it had worked.

But during the nights, she'd lain awake, unable to sleep and unable to cry. How many nights had she spent staring blankly at the ceiling in the dark quiet of the dorm, obsessing over all the things she should have and could have done? Relentlessly replaying the events of that night over and over again, not even knowing what she was looking for. Almost as if the insomnia and countless sleepless nights were the price she would have to pay for the December night she'd spent making all the wrong choices that led to Alison's death. Almost as if she could compromise on the grief she was "meant" to be feeling, like she could put it all away in a little box and never, ever feel it as long as she locked away the rest of her as well.

Even as she was speaking to Evelynn right now, Ivy was running through the events in her mind over and over again. Desperately wishing she had a second chance - oh, what she wouldn't give to go back and stop it from happening! Ivy knew it was unhealthy, but she couldn't help it, and especially not now, when she was moments away from falling apart on the spot. Merlin's beard, had Evelynn even known that she'd had a sister? Maybe she'd heard things about Alison from other people - the girl did seem to be pretty well-informed on most affairs here at Hogwarts.

"She was supposed to be twelve today," Ivy continued after another long pause. She spoke detachedly and calmly, as if she was reading from a script written about someone else's life. "She died last year," she added bluntly, eyes dull and unfocused. "But you know what's funny? I was managing the dead sister thing really well." Ivy emitted a quiet, hollow laugh, even though there was nothing funny about the situation.

"I was handling it so well, Evelynn. It was managed." She laughed again, but this time it sounded more like a sob. And all of a sudden she couldn't stop talking, couldn't stop herself from telling Evelynn everything. "Better than my parents. Better than my cousins. They were messes, really, and I could feel everyone waiting for me to become one too. People were worried. I knew they were worried. My cousins... they wouldn't stop writing letters in the first month or so, always checking up on me and dropping little hints that I should 'go see someone for it'," she put finger quotes around her words, "but I didn't need it. Not like them. People leave all the time." There was definitely a desperate quality to her voice now - raw emotion that increased with each sentence, quivered precariously on the edge of her voice. Almost like she was about to burst into tears or scream at something or both. She certainly felt like she wanted to scream, but instead she kept talking, unable to stop the words from coming out of her mouth.

"I'm used to it. You wouldn't believe how many of the people I've loved had either died or been taken away from me or just full out left, Evelynn, isn't it crazy that I haven't lost it yet-" and dear god, why couldn't she just shut up about it already "-but I'm great at handling this stuff. I've got an entire lifetime of experience. And I've handled it, yeah? It's managed. I've - I've barely even cried." She was speaking quickly, like she was on the verge of hysterics. "And I'm - I'm doing so well here. I get good grades. I'm on the Quidditch team. I have friends and money and a great life. I'm fine, really, I'm amazing, I'm incredible, I'm doing great." She spat out the last word almost viciously, her expression a mix of heartbreaking sadness and anger.

It was here that her mind finally caught up with her mouth, and she had enough sense left in her to take a few shaky breaths and a few steps backward before saying anything else.

When she spoke again, her voice was quieter. Heavier. Like it was weighed down with something. "Like I said. I'm managing the dead sister thing pretty well." Ivy swallowed the sudden lump in her throat, surprised to feel tears pricking her eyes. Blinking furiously to get rid of them, she wondered how long had it been since she'd cried properly. There was a tight feeling in her chest, like there were a million elastic bands pulling her heart in different directions and they were about to snap at any given moment. "At least, I thought so." Her voice broke a little on that sentence, but she persisted. "Even though I didn't sleep well anymore and I was always tired, I really believed I was doing better. I was getting happier. I really was." She could barely look at Evelynn right now. Ivy had never quite fallen apart like this in front of someone else, and she didn’t want to think about how she had probably just scared away her closest friend.

"Except... today I woke up and saw what day it is, and it was like... like, I don't even know. It sent me straight back to square one. Like I was right back there when she..." Unable to finish her sentence, Ivy trailed off and turned away to face the lake, running her fingers through her hair helplessly. The incident had occurred on a night almost identical to this one, she recalled. The moon had shone brightly that December night, lighting their path enough so that there had been no need for a Lumos. Would they have been able to notice that the ice wasn’t frozen over enough if they’d cast a spell? Her cousin Iris had once told her that she couldn’t remember much of what had happened. Like bits and pieces of the night had stuck with her and other moments slipped through the cracks. Ivy had thought her lucky. Every single detail of that night was imprinted permanently in her mind.

"It was my fault," she said quietly, almost to herself. "It's my fault she's gone. It's all my fault..."