Writing Criticism:
Love it! The tension is so fun
Writing Criticism:
I'm loving the stubborness that you so beautifully portray while really letting us see how she thinks and justifies her actions to herself, however unconsciously {and she is justified, he did not seriously think he had first dibs, the jerk}
|
|
Writing Criticism:
Hey guys! Here's another thread you guys can say stuff about! It's Av and Dyl's returning home for Spring Break lore! I only have one post left to do which should be done soon, so I hope you guys enjoy it!
Edit: just finished the last post, so it's all done!
Here!
Edit: just finished the last post, so it's all done!
Here!
Be the change you wish to see |
||
in the world. |
Writing Criticism:
Umm I have a story and umm I want you guys to read it?
Finding home
Elise was running to her mothers chambers with her strange blonde hair flying behind her. On Elises home planet, Hyponolesent, blonde hair was very rare. She had green eyes (also rare). And 5 fingers instead of 6 like the regular Homlocent which was the species that inhabited Hyponolesent. A couple of minutes earlier a messenger showed up at her room out of breath.She had heard soft knocking at her big brass door. The messenger who Elise knew as Nora had told her that her mother had screamed at her to get Elise. Now she was being rushed to her mother and hoping she wasn't yelling at other servants. Elise lived in a huge castle on planet Hyponolesent. She was a princess living in Reeselacont, The most powerful territory. The halls had torches that were glowing teal and the walls were a traditional hot pink. When she arrived at her Mothers throne room, Elise’s mother: Majesty, was sitting on her throne with her slime green hair braided down her back and so much makeup on you couldn’t even tell that she was beautiful. She had light pink eyes and high cheekbones. Her lips were shaped like a heart which were puckered up like she had just eaten something sour. Her face was red as lava as she read a note furiously.
“Mother, what is wrong?” Elise asked. Majesty looked up, her face full of rage and as Elise looked closer: fear.
“I went to your brother's chambers to tell him dinner was ready and there was just a note that read, If you ever want to see your son again you must adventure to the green and blue planet in the south!” Majesty yelled. Elise wasn’t shocked. She had always known that her mother had loved her “perfect” brother more than her, but she still loved him and never imagined him gone…again.
“Mother, I thought you said you stopped the kidnappings!” Elise cried
“Well it’s happened again! Go get him! Here’s the map to the planet.” Majesty replied matter a factly
“Mother, I don't want to.
“I don’t care if you don’t want to go, you must go rescue Wave, or I'll throw you in the dungeons!” Majesty yelled.
“But mother, that's not fair! Why can't you go get the space bug yourself?” Elise argued
“GO” Her mother screamed.
Elise hurried off to her chambers. While she was walking to her room she thought about her plant. Hypernolesent had kidnappings a lot. Wave was the subject of the kidnappings ALL THE TIME. Every time he disappeared Majesty forced Elise to go rescue Wave every time. It wasn’t news that he was gone again. He was usually taken to a place on the planet but this time he got taken to a different plant altogether. She arrived at her room in the enormous castle and there waiting by the window was her best friend, Sparkle. Her room was different from most rooms in the castle. Instead of bright colors it was dark brown with barely any items.
Sparkle had cotton candy blue hair that she let flow around her shoulders. She had natural light pink cheeks and dark red plump lips. She was beautiful without even trying. She had bright blue eyes and usually wore a simple white dress like right now.
“Sparkle what are you doing here?” Elise asked.
“I came to check on you” Sparkle replied.
“Well I just got sent on a quest for my stupid brother.” Elise sobbed.
“Oh I heard about that on the royal news. I came because I’m coming with you.”
“No you're not! If I fail my mother will throw me in the dungeons. If you come she’ll throw you in with me!”
Elise was worried about Sparkle, She loved Wave and was so so so sad every time he got taken.
“Sparkle, he’s on a different planet. This time it’s going to be harder, and we might not get him.”
“Too bad my bags are already packed. You know me once my bags are packed they don’t unpack unless I want them to. Sooo sorry.” Sparkle replied.
“Ugh, fine let me pack and get some money for the rocket.” Elise groaned
As Elise packed she wondered where she would get the rocket as she was banned from all the shops in town due to how much she crashed the rockets. She floated socks and shirts into her bag with her telekinesis. Every Homlocent had it. When Elise was done packing she turned around and saw Sparkle staring out at space.
“Sparkle? It's time to go.” Elsie whispered. At first Elise thought she didn’t hear her, but then Sparkle turned around “Ok let’s go.” She whispered back.
As the pair walked out of the castle Elise remembered the map.
“Oh my god I almost forgot! Sparkle, I have a map to the planet!” Elise exclaimed.
“Yeah I was wondering how we were going to know how to get there…” Sparkle replied.
As they walked outside Elise looked around at her planet. She looked at the pink grass around her and thought about when she was younger. She and Sparkle would play outside all day. They would roll in the pink grass and then one day when Wave was only 7 months old, they went inside and Majesty was screaming and crying. Elise had run up to her mother and asked what was wrong. That was the first time Wave disappeared. That time Wave was in a warehouse in Coraolous. The next time was when he was 1 year old he disappeared off to Leviegyt. THEN when he was 1 year and 5 months old he got taken to Daniellehuf. When he was 1 year and 7 months old he got taken all the way to Thomastyerg. Every time Elise and Sparkle got sent out to look for Wave they found him and brought him back and in about 2–7 months he disappeared again.
Sparkle and Elise walked up to a rocket shop they haven't been to before. Sparkle looked up at the sign and read outloud, “BOT AND SON ROCKET AND REPAIR SHOP.”
“Okay so let’s go inside.” Elise said nervously. Elise wasn’t the most social person. She mostly left Sparkle to do the talking. Elise and Sparkle usually went to ROCKET REPAIR AND MORE, but that shop closed down last month. Elise pushed open the door and looked inside. The paint on the walls looked new and was a dark shade of brown that made it seem so much darker. There was a counter that had a bunch of screws and pricing tags on it. There were model rocket ships all around the place. “Hello! Welcome to Bot and Son Rocket and Repair Shop! How can I help you today?” A man who looked around 50 years old emerged from behind the counter. He had bright yellow hair and black eyes. The man had a severe looking face that Elise didn’t trust.
“Ummm yes, can we buy a rocket ship?” Sparkle sounded worried as she spoke to this strange man.
“Of course come with me and you can pick a model, you girl’s can put your bags down at the door! Oh! How rude of me! I never introduced myself! My name is Light.” The man replied. Elise and Sparkle placed their bags down near the door.
“I’m Sparkle and this i-” “Excuse me can I talk to Sparkle for a moment? Thank you.” Elise interrupted.
She pulled Sparkle off to the side. “Sparkle I don’t trust this Light guy. Maybe we should go to a different rocket shop.”
“You're crazy. Let’s stop wasting time and buy a rocket, so we can get Wave.” Sparkle replied exasperated already. Sparkle turned around “Okay, show us where the rockets are.”
“Okay young lady follow me.” Light chuckled.
As the strange man brought them to the back Elise heard Sparkle ask
“Where is the son in the title of your store?”
“Oh he’s at his mothers house.” Light sounded sour. “Here we are! The back. You ladies pick which one you want and I will just be over here.” Light walked back to the front and left the girls alone in the room. The room was painted navy blue and there was skylight coming through the open roof. Elise and Sparkle walked around and there were rockets EVERYWHERE. Elise didn’t know how she would ever choose one. Just as she thought that she saw a black rocket with stars painted all over it. Elise didn’t know how but she knew she had to get this one. As she walked over to the ship she saw that something was weird about it. Instead of it being on a pedestal like the other one’s, this one was connected to the wall. As she got closer she tapped on the glass to see if it would open the hatch like the other space ships did. When she tapped on it a rumbling sound came from the wall and suddenly a hallway appeared out of nowhere.
“SPARKLE!!! COME HERE!” Elise shouted. Sparkle ran over and her mouth gaped open.
“I knew there was something weird about him!” Elise snapped. The girls started walking towards the hallway and Elise jumped when she heard muffled screaming. They walked down the hallway and emerged in a dark room and tied to a chair all wrapped up in chains… was Wave
“Wave!” Sparkle yelled and ran over to him. Wave had blue hair and grey eyes. As Sparkle untied him Elise came over to help. They worked together and got the chains off of him. As they walked to the exit Light came down the hallway with a menacing look on his face.
“You aren’t supposed to be down here, girls” He sounded dangerous.
“Why did you take Wave and tell us we have to go to a whole different planet?” Elise screamed.
“Get out while you can.”
Light advanced and knocked Wave back in the chair. He grabbed Sparkle and disappeared down the hallway.
“SPARKLE!” Elise yelled and ran after them. When she got back to the rocket room, Light was already in a rocket and was opening a latch in the roof. He smiled wickedly at them and took off. Elise watched in tears as the only friend she had ever known was being blasted off into space.
“Whewr’s Spartle douing?” Wave asked in tears too as he came down the hallway after them. Elise knew he was only 3 Years old but she was filled to the brim with rage.
“She’s gone because of you! You little space bug! I hate you!” Elise yelled at him. She knew that she shouldn’t blame Wave but if he wasn’t here then Light wouldn’t have taken Sparkle. Wave started crying and asking for his mommy.
“No! I need to find Sparkle!” Elise told him. She stormed over to a rocket and got in.
“Are you coming with me to find Sparkle or not?”
“Yas Spartle!” Wave cheered. He waddled over to the ship and got in.
“Okay let's go.” Elise was so nervous her voice was trembling. She pressed the Blast button and followed Sparkle and Light into space.
Elise was so glad she could still see Light's ship. She followed the ship to a planet that looks so… weird. It had green grass and strange white stuff hovering above this planet. It even looked wispy. As they got closer Elise heard Wave say, “Ewese? Is fhat the pwanet Spartle is on?”
“Yeah, I think so.” Elise responded. “Hey Wave, do you smell that?” Elise smelled smoke. She started to panic just as the engine caught fire and dropped from the sky.
“Uhhh” groaned Elise. Everything hurt. She suddenly remembered everything that happened. She sat up quickly and yelled “WAVE?!”
“Shhhhh don’t yell yet. Lay back down.” A strange, silky voice whispered.
“Who are you?” Elise asked.
“My name is Fox.” The mysterious replied. Elise opened her eyes and looked around. She was in a cabin. The cabin looked rural and when she looked outside she saw…. Green trees? That was a very unnatural color. There was a girl standing in front of her. This girl had auburn hair that framed her face with wavy strands of hair. She also had blue eyes and had light freckles dotting her face. She looked normal, not trying too hard like her mother or unnaturally, natural beauty. More like simple love and care.
“Where am I? Where’s Wave?” Elise asked
“Wave? You mean the little boy with the blue hair and 6 fingers?”
“Yes! Wave! Where is he?” Elise struggled out.
“He’s over there on the couch.” Fox said. Elise looked over and realized that Wave was right there.
“As for where are you? You are in West Virginia. In my and my brother's little cabin in the woods.”
“West Virginia? I have never heard of such a place!” Elise yelled.
“Calm down! We just want to help!
“We?” Elise stuttered.
“Yes. My brother and I.” Fox explained that she and her brother —Jace— had found Elise and Wave crashed in the forest and decided to help them.
“Did you see a man with yellow hair and a girl with light blue hair?”
“What is it with the people with colorful hair?” Fox replied.
Elise was exasperated. This conversation was going nowhere and was taking forever.
“Just tell me! You are wasting time that could be spent doing something productive!” Elise snapped. Just then a man walked into the room. He had standard red hair not bright red like some people on Hyponolecent. He had freckles ALL over his face. He looked friendly enough but behind his eyes she saw suspicion that she had not seen with this so-called Fox.
“Oh you're awake. I’m Jace, who are you?” The man slowly said. Like she wouldn’t understand him.
“Yeah, you didn’t tell me your name.” Fox whined.
“Uggghhh” A voice said behind Elise. She whipped her head around. Wave was sitting on the couch, his eyes open, staring at them.
“Wave! Are you okay?”
“Ya, I fink so.” Wave babbled. Elise jumped up and ignored the protests from Fox. She stumbled over to Wave and pulled him into a bear hug.
“Wave, These nice people helped us. We need to go find Sparkle though.”
“Wait! You’re leaving already? You haven’t even told us your name.” Fox cried.
“Yes, my brother and I need to find our friend Sparkle.” Just then they heard a crash outside. They all looked to each other in fight and slowly got up and walked to the door in the little cabin. Elise went outside first and saw Light holding an unconscious Sparkle.
“Sparkle! Light.” Elise growled. Light looked so smug Elise wanted to punch him.
“Look who showed up.” Light spat. Elise looked desperately at Sparkle, willing her to wake up. When she didn’t Elise took matters into her own hands. She felt so guilty about even thinking about hurting someone but she had to, for Sparkle. Elise picked up a log with her telekinesis and bashed it against Light's face. He fell down with blood rushing out of his mouth. Elise rushed over to them and checked to see if Light was knocked out. She checked his pulse against her will. He was alive. Elise picked Sparkle up. She didn't even care that Sparkle was taller than her and that she was heavier. Elise brought her over to the cabin. Everyone was staring at her as if she sprouted 3 heads.
“Whaaat.” She complained.
“We don’t even know your name.” Fox said, looking stunned.
“Her name is Elise.” Someone said, Elise looked down and in her arms Sparkle’s eyes were open staring right at her.
“Sparkle!” Elise exclaimed, “You’re awake!”
Rea Kont- prettiest witch EVER (JK JK)
Check out my store for personalized Jokes, pictures, and memes -JMP-!!!
Finding home
Elise was running to her mothers chambers with her strange blonde hair flying behind her. On Elises home planet, Hyponolesent, blonde hair was very rare. She had green eyes (also rare). And 5 fingers instead of 6 like the regular Homlocent which was the species that inhabited Hyponolesent. A couple of minutes earlier a messenger showed up at her room out of breath.She had heard soft knocking at her big brass door. The messenger who Elise knew as Nora had told her that her mother had screamed at her to get Elise. Now she was being rushed to her mother and hoping she wasn't yelling at other servants. Elise lived in a huge castle on planet Hyponolesent. She was a princess living in Reeselacont, The most powerful territory. The halls had torches that were glowing teal and the walls were a traditional hot pink. When she arrived at her Mothers throne room, Elise’s mother: Majesty, was sitting on her throne with her slime green hair braided down her back and so much makeup on you couldn’t even tell that she was beautiful. She had light pink eyes and high cheekbones. Her lips were shaped like a heart which were puckered up like she had just eaten something sour. Her face was red as lava as she read a note furiously.
“Mother, what is wrong?” Elise asked. Majesty looked up, her face full of rage and as Elise looked closer: fear.
“I went to your brother's chambers to tell him dinner was ready and there was just a note that read, If you ever want to see your son again you must adventure to the green and blue planet in the south!” Majesty yelled. Elise wasn’t shocked. She had always known that her mother had loved her “perfect” brother more than her, but she still loved him and never imagined him gone…again.
“Mother, I thought you said you stopped the kidnappings!” Elise cried
“Well it’s happened again! Go get him! Here’s the map to the planet.” Majesty replied matter a factly
“Mother, I don't want to.
“I don’t care if you don’t want to go, you must go rescue Wave, or I'll throw you in the dungeons!” Majesty yelled.
“But mother, that's not fair! Why can't you go get the space bug yourself?” Elise argued
“GO” Her mother screamed.
Elise hurried off to her chambers. While she was walking to her room she thought about her plant. Hypernolesent had kidnappings a lot. Wave was the subject of the kidnappings ALL THE TIME. Every time he disappeared Majesty forced Elise to go rescue Wave every time. It wasn’t news that he was gone again. He was usually taken to a place on the planet but this time he got taken to a different plant altogether. She arrived at her room in the enormous castle and there waiting by the window was her best friend, Sparkle. Her room was different from most rooms in the castle. Instead of bright colors it was dark brown with barely any items.
Sparkle had cotton candy blue hair that she let flow around her shoulders. She had natural light pink cheeks and dark red plump lips. She was beautiful without even trying. She had bright blue eyes and usually wore a simple white dress like right now.
“Sparkle what are you doing here?” Elise asked.
“I came to check on you” Sparkle replied.
“Well I just got sent on a quest for my stupid brother.” Elise sobbed.
“Oh I heard about that on the royal news. I came because I’m coming with you.”
“No you're not! If I fail my mother will throw me in the dungeons. If you come she’ll throw you in with me!”
Elise was worried about Sparkle, She loved Wave and was so so so sad every time he got taken.
“Sparkle, he’s on a different planet. This time it’s going to be harder, and we might not get him.”
“Too bad my bags are already packed. You know me once my bags are packed they don’t unpack unless I want them to. Sooo sorry.” Sparkle replied.
“Ugh, fine let me pack and get some money for the rocket.” Elise groaned
As Elise packed she wondered where she would get the rocket as she was banned from all the shops in town due to how much she crashed the rockets. She floated socks and shirts into her bag with her telekinesis. Every Homlocent had it. When Elise was done packing she turned around and saw Sparkle staring out at space.
“Sparkle? It's time to go.” Elsie whispered. At first Elise thought she didn’t hear her, but then Sparkle turned around “Ok let’s go.” She whispered back.
As the pair walked out of the castle Elise remembered the map.
“Oh my god I almost forgot! Sparkle, I have a map to the planet!” Elise exclaimed.
“Yeah I was wondering how we were going to know how to get there…” Sparkle replied.
As they walked outside Elise looked around at her planet. She looked at the pink grass around her and thought about when she was younger. She and Sparkle would play outside all day. They would roll in the pink grass and then one day when Wave was only 7 months old, they went inside and Majesty was screaming and crying. Elise had run up to her mother and asked what was wrong. That was the first time Wave disappeared. That time Wave was in a warehouse in Coraolous. The next time was when he was 1 year old he disappeared off to Leviegyt. THEN when he was 1 year and 5 months old he got taken to Daniellehuf. When he was 1 year and 7 months old he got taken all the way to Thomastyerg. Every time Elise and Sparkle got sent out to look for Wave they found him and brought him back and in about 2–7 months he disappeared again.
Sparkle and Elise walked up to a rocket shop they haven't been to before. Sparkle looked up at the sign and read outloud, “BOT AND SON ROCKET AND REPAIR SHOP.”
“Okay so let’s go inside.” Elise said nervously. Elise wasn’t the most social person. She mostly left Sparkle to do the talking. Elise and Sparkle usually went to ROCKET REPAIR AND MORE, but that shop closed down last month. Elise pushed open the door and looked inside. The paint on the walls looked new and was a dark shade of brown that made it seem so much darker. There was a counter that had a bunch of screws and pricing tags on it. There were model rocket ships all around the place. “Hello! Welcome to Bot and Son Rocket and Repair Shop! How can I help you today?” A man who looked around 50 years old emerged from behind the counter. He had bright yellow hair and black eyes. The man had a severe looking face that Elise didn’t trust.
“Ummm yes, can we buy a rocket ship?” Sparkle sounded worried as she spoke to this strange man.
“Of course come with me and you can pick a model, you girl’s can put your bags down at the door! Oh! How rude of me! I never introduced myself! My name is Light.” The man replied. Elise and Sparkle placed their bags down near the door.
“I’m Sparkle and this i-” “Excuse me can I talk to Sparkle for a moment? Thank you.” Elise interrupted.
She pulled Sparkle off to the side. “Sparkle I don’t trust this Light guy. Maybe we should go to a different rocket shop.”
“You're crazy. Let’s stop wasting time and buy a rocket, so we can get Wave.” Sparkle replied exasperated already. Sparkle turned around “Okay, show us where the rockets are.”
“Okay young lady follow me.” Light chuckled.
As the strange man brought them to the back Elise heard Sparkle ask
“Where is the son in the title of your store?”
“Oh he’s at his mothers house.” Light sounded sour. “Here we are! The back. You ladies pick which one you want and I will just be over here.” Light walked back to the front and left the girls alone in the room. The room was painted navy blue and there was skylight coming through the open roof. Elise and Sparkle walked around and there were rockets EVERYWHERE. Elise didn’t know how she would ever choose one. Just as she thought that she saw a black rocket with stars painted all over it. Elise didn’t know how but she knew she had to get this one. As she walked over to the ship she saw that something was weird about it. Instead of it being on a pedestal like the other one’s, this one was connected to the wall. As she got closer she tapped on the glass to see if it would open the hatch like the other space ships did. When she tapped on it a rumbling sound came from the wall and suddenly a hallway appeared out of nowhere.
“SPARKLE!!! COME HERE!” Elise shouted. Sparkle ran over and her mouth gaped open.
“I knew there was something weird about him!” Elise snapped. The girls started walking towards the hallway and Elise jumped when she heard muffled screaming. They walked down the hallway and emerged in a dark room and tied to a chair all wrapped up in chains… was Wave
“Wave!” Sparkle yelled and ran over to him. Wave had blue hair and grey eyes. As Sparkle untied him Elise came over to help. They worked together and got the chains off of him. As they walked to the exit Light came down the hallway with a menacing look on his face.
“You aren’t supposed to be down here, girls” He sounded dangerous.
“Why did you take Wave and tell us we have to go to a whole different planet?” Elise screamed.
“Get out while you can.”
Light advanced and knocked Wave back in the chair. He grabbed Sparkle and disappeared down the hallway.
“SPARKLE!” Elise yelled and ran after them. When she got back to the rocket room, Light was already in a rocket and was opening a latch in the roof. He smiled wickedly at them and took off. Elise watched in tears as the only friend she had ever known was being blasted off into space.
“Whewr’s Spartle douing?” Wave asked in tears too as he came down the hallway after them. Elise knew he was only 3 Years old but she was filled to the brim with rage.
“She’s gone because of you! You little space bug! I hate you!” Elise yelled at him. She knew that she shouldn’t blame Wave but if he wasn’t here then Light wouldn’t have taken Sparkle. Wave started crying and asking for his mommy.
“No! I need to find Sparkle!” Elise told him. She stormed over to a rocket and got in.
“Are you coming with me to find Sparkle or not?”
“Yas Spartle!” Wave cheered. He waddled over to the ship and got in.
“Okay let's go.” Elise was so nervous her voice was trembling. She pressed the Blast button and followed Sparkle and Light into space.
Elise was so glad she could still see Light's ship. She followed the ship to a planet that looks so… weird. It had green grass and strange white stuff hovering above this planet. It even looked wispy. As they got closer Elise heard Wave say, “Ewese? Is fhat the pwanet Spartle is on?”
“Yeah, I think so.” Elise responded. “Hey Wave, do you smell that?” Elise smelled smoke. She started to panic just as the engine caught fire and dropped from the sky.
“Uhhh” groaned Elise. Everything hurt. She suddenly remembered everything that happened. She sat up quickly and yelled “WAVE?!”
“Shhhhh don’t yell yet. Lay back down.” A strange, silky voice whispered.
“Who are you?” Elise asked.
“My name is Fox.” The mysterious replied. Elise opened her eyes and looked around. She was in a cabin. The cabin looked rural and when she looked outside she saw…. Green trees? That was a very unnatural color. There was a girl standing in front of her. This girl had auburn hair that framed her face with wavy strands of hair. She also had blue eyes and had light freckles dotting her face. She looked normal, not trying too hard like her mother or unnaturally, natural beauty. More like simple love and care.
“Where am I? Where’s Wave?” Elise asked
“Wave? You mean the little boy with the blue hair and 6 fingers?”
“Yes! Wave! Where is he?” Elise struggled out.
“He’s over there on the couch.” Fox said. Elise looked over and realized that Wave was right there.
“As for where are you? You are in West Virginia. In my and my brother's little cabin in the woods.”
“West Virginia? I have never heard of such a place!” Elise yelled.
“Calm down! We just want to help!
“We?” Elise stuttered.
“Yes. My brother and I.” Fox explained that she and her brother —Jace— had found Elise and Wave crashed in the forest and decided to help them.
“Did you see a man with yellow hair and a girl with light blue hair?”
“What is it with the people with colorful hair?” Fox replied.
Elise was exasperated. This conversation was going nowhere and was taking forever.
“Just tell me! You are wasting time that could be spent doing something productive!” Elise snapped. Just then a man walked into the room. He had standard red hair not bright red like some people on Hyponolecent. He had freckles ALL over his face. He looked friendly enough but behind his eyes she saw suspicion that she had not seen with this so-called Fox.
“Oh you're awake. I’m Jace, who are you?” The man slowly said. Like she wouldn’t understand him.
“Yeah, you didn’t tell me your name.” Fox whined.
“Uggghhh” A voice said behind Elise. She whipped her head around. Wave was sitting on the couch, his eyes open, staring at them.
“Wave! Are you okay?”
“Ya, I fink so.” Wave babbled. Elise jumped up and ignored the protests from Fox. She stumbled over to Wave and pulled him into a bear hug.
“Wave, These nice people helped us. We need to go find Sparkle though.”
“Wait! You’re leaving already? You haven’t even told us your name.” Fox cried.
“Yes, my brother and I need to find our friend Sparkle.” Just then they heard a crash outside. They all looked to each other in fight and slowly got up and walked to the door in the little cabin. Elise went outside first and saw Light holding an unconscious Sparkle.
“Sparkle! Light.” Elise growled. Light looked so smug Elise wanted to punch him.
“Look who showed up.” Light spat. Elise looked desperately at Sparkle, willing her to wake up. When she didn’t Elise took matters into her own hands. She felt so guilty about even thinking about hurting someone but she had to, for Sparkle. Elise picked up a log with her telekinesis and bashed it against Light's face. He fell down with blood rushing out of his mouth. Elise rushed over to them and checked to see if Light was knocked out. She checked his pulse against her will. He was alive. Elise picked Sparkle up. She didn't even care that Sparkle was taller than her and that she was heavier. Elise brought her over to the cabin. Everyone was staring at her as if she sprouted 3 heads.
“Whaaat.” She complained.
“We don’t even know your name.” Fox said, looking stunned.
“Her name is Elise.” Someone said, Elise looked down and in her arms Sparkle’s eyes were open staring right at her.
“Sparkle!” Elise exclaimed, “You’re awake!”
Rea Kont- prettiest witch EVER (JK JK)
Check out my store for personalized Jokes, pictures, and memes -JMP-!!!
Writing Criticism:
This is very interesting—Avery Gray wrote: 20 Jun 2025, 21:32 Hey guys! Here's another thread you guys can say stuff about! It's Av and Dyl's returning home for Spring Break lore! I only have one post left to do which should be done soon, so I hope you guys enjoy it!
Edit: just finished the last post, so it's all done!
Here!
I'm gonna stalk this thread sometime-
Writing Criticism:
Hi everyone! How exactly does this work? Do I post something and you give feedback or what? Sorry, just slightly confused and tired.
| PC Piper Hart - Slytherin | |
Sta: x | Eva: x | Str: x | Wis: x | Arc: x | Acc: x |
Sta: x | Eva: x | Str: x | Wis: x | Arc: x | Acc: x |
Writing Criticism:
Yeah! If you scroll up a bit, you can see that you just post a link to what you want feedback on or just post it and then others review it!Piper Hart wrote: 22 Jun 2025, 14:30 Hi everyone! How exactly does this work? Do I post something and you give feedback or what? Sorry, just slightly confused and tired.
Writing Criticism:
Would it be possible for me to get feedback on anything I’ve written?? It’s all in my encyclopaedia but I can post something and you links here if necessary. I haven’t responded to everything linked in my ency yet though so…Nova Astron wrote: 22 Jun 2025, 14:31Yeah! If you scroll up a bit, you can see that you just post a link to what you want feedback on or just post it and then others review it!Piper Hart wrote: 22 Jun 2025, 14:30 Hi everyone! How exactly does this work? Do I post something and you give feedback or what? Sorry, just slightly confused and tired.
| PC Piper Hart - Slytherin | |
Sta: x | Eva: x | Str: x | Wis: x | Arc: x | Acc: x |
Sta: x | Eva: x | Str: x | Wis: x | Arc: x | Acc: x |
Writing Criticism:
I think so, go ahead!Piper Hart wrote: 22 Jun 2025, 14:37Would it be possible for me to get feedback on anything I’ve written?? It’s all in my encyclopaedia but I can post something and you links here if necessary. I haven’t responded to everything linked in my ency yet though so…Nova Astron wrote: 22 Jun 2025, 14:31Yeah! If you scroll up a bit, you can see that you just post a link to what you want feedback on or just post it and then others review it!Piper Hart wrote: 22 Jun 2025, 14:30 Hi everyone! How exactly does this work? Do I post something and you give feedback or what? Sorry, just slightly confused and tired.
Writing Criticism:
Ok, well I just did this one so I’d love some feedback!
✉️
✉️
| PC Piper Hart - Slytherin | |
Sta: x | Eva: x | Str: x | Wis: x | Arc: x | Acc: x |
Sta: x | Eva: x | Str: x | Wis: x | Arc: x | Acc: x |