Jerk & Mouse PV Felix Kolbeck

Mouse,

Sweden is about as unforgiving as my mother when I get anything less than an O, but your owl managed the journey.

Eager? I knew you would write me. Just wasn’t sure if it would be to tell me to go fuck my self or not.

Honestly I’m not sure which is more strenuous; Yef’s training or the actual fucking tasks. I love like the guy but sometimes he has no chill. I’m pretty sure I can handle getting a kiss from a little mouse.

I’m sorry, I thought this was a letter. Not a fucking game of 20 questions.

1. Fun is pretty non existent these days. I used to read, but now I spend more time training. Fuck, I dunno. I like customizing jackets when I can. I’ve been trying to learn the guitar.
2. This one you already know, I’m on the duelling team and Hexwizard team.
3. …Ice cream.
4. Why would I bother hiding a talent?
5. Night. Morning is too loud, especially when you have to share a fucking dorm with all the guys at Durmstrang.
6. Magizoologist, traveling the world. If my parents had their way I would follow in my fathers footsteps and work for the ministry, inherit all their dumb shit and be just as fucking miserable as they are.

So you’re into fashion? I couldn’t tell when we met because you didn’t appreciate my style choice. I’m admittedly curious what should of style you’d dress me in instead.

Some of those questions were kind of fucking lame. Didn’t bother to ask what kind of music you like, what your favourite animal is, about your family or some shit, and how you would bring down societal norms.

I bet we could have both written a better article.

With love, huh?
-Felix

Felix,

I thought telling you to go do that would be bad luck for the first owl. Just don't forget that you're on thin ice.

Did Cadmus bite you? He can be a little bitey, unless you're a real animal person, which all of my friends seem to be. I figure you must be as well, considering that you've nicknamed me mouse.

If you find my questions annoying, you can go do that thing you mentioned earlier. I'm just trying to figure out if this correspondence is worth continuing. I can say with some certainty that my parents won't approve of your attitude, so that's already a point out of your favor.

It sounds like we have a lot in common besides that though. Reading and music and fashion are all really important to me. What's your favorite kind of book to read? Also, have you ever worn makeup? You can ignore the questions if you want, since you seemed to have such a problem coping with the ones I sent already.

My best friend Jake is on the Hufflepuff dueling team. I prefer broom racing myself, since I find it more exciting. Dueling is pretty interesting though. It seems like it involves more thinking than broom racing does.

A hidden talent isn't necessarily a talent you hide, just one few people know about. Like how maybe you could have a talent for being charming, but nobody would ever know because you never use it.

To be honest, your style was fine - I was just being mean about it because you seemed like a jerk. I'm starting to think you can't help seeming that way, though. You did actually look better in the dress, for what it's worth.

I like classical music. My favourite animal is the occamy. My family is pretty boring, my mom teaches and my dad writes. My brother isn't magic so he wants to be a policeman (muggle auror). I probably won't bring down societal norms on purpose but I think it happens sometimes anyway.

I should probably mention that I am muggle-born, so if you don't like that, throw away my letter and don't bother replying.

I remain,
George Henry
Queen of Hufflepuff

Mouse,

Cadmus was nothing but a gentleman, especially after I offered him treats. We are quickly becoming friends, don’t be jealous.

Hey now, no need to be so fucking hostile. I answered the questions, didn’t I? Obviously I wanted to tell you more about myself. Are you making that cute scrunched up face while you read this? I can see that little nose of yours now.

I’m capable of being a perfect gentleman, thank you very much. I will make sure your parents love me. I just don’t practically care what my parents think. Are you already thinking about me meeting them? We haven’t even gone on a date. How adorable.

Depends on the category. For fiction I enjoy reading mysteries and horror, for non-fiction reading casting techniques and information about magical creatures is usually my jam. I have only worn makeup a few times, feel free to use my face as your canvas. See? I’m trusting you when you could easily make me look like a fucking loser.

To be honest I never took you as the jock type, pretty adorable. I guess mice can fly too. If you have a game next time my school visits I’ll come cheer you on. I think my friend Serena is a broom racer too so it’d be rad to see her fly.

Well damn, Mouse. If you gave me a reason to be charming, maybe I’d be more charming. (I am teasing you, do not burn this letter). Perhaps using my people skills is a bit too much for me because I hate fake niceties and social norms. Everyone my mother hangs around is a fucking fake and use their charm because they want something. It gets exhausting.

Everyone looks good in leather. Have you tried my jacket on again? Here, I’ll send you something else. I saw it and thought of you because it’s yellow. The guy selling it said the bag goes with it but I dunno if you’re the type to wear bags.

Occamy is an interesting choice for your favourite animal. Why do you favour them? I like most animals. I have a soft spot for cats and crups. Nifflers are pretty cool too.

What does your mom teach? Why the hell would it bother me that you’re a muggleborn? If anything you get bonus points for it. I don’t know how the hell muggle stuff works but I’ve read a few muggle books. What is a toasted machine?

My family is fucking boring. My dad works for the ministry and is always way. My mother is a seer who used to work as a naming seer but now she tutors my younger sisters and breeds crups. My sisters are only nine so they’re not old enough to attend Durmstrang yet.

Lacking a proper signature,
Felix

Reducio

Jerk,

I am not jealous. I already know that Cadmus likes my friends better than he likes me. It's just the way he is. I'm glad you two get along. I figured you would, because he has an attitude like you. He needs fattening up for winter so feed him all the treats you like.

I apologize if my attitude seemed harsh. Rest assured that I am learning more about you than I ever expected to from that set of questions.

"I will make sure your parents love me," for instance, is a very severe way to phrase "I want to make a good impression because I like your nose!" But it's okay, I won't warn them about how lame you are in advance. I will let them find out as I have. I'm only thinking about it because if you want to take me out on dates I'm going to tell my parents about it and then they'll want to meet you and if you come out in your rebel clothes and start throwing me into walls then you're going to learn a lot about the muggle legal system.

I read a sort of horror-mystery-romance book recently. It's called The Final Rose and it's absolutely incredible. I'm sending it along with this letter so you can read it when you get the chance. I don't really own any non fiction books, I usually just read about history of magic in the library. I don't know if things are any different in Sweden, but the way we treated werewolves and house elves and stuff here is barbaric. I can't believe some of the stuff that was happening not even 20 years ago.

I'll spare you the comment about looking like a loser already because it's too easy. I think you'd like eyeliner though.

A flying mouse? That's very flattering. I don't know if I am a jock type, honestly. My other best friend, Jack, is on my racing team. He's more of a jock than I am. I didn't know you were friends with Serena! She's my star racer. I think she's still a bit mad at me though... I told her that a spell wasn't against the rules to get her to cast it, but it definitely was.

Yes, I guess fake niceties are very frustrating. Perhaps you could try using real niceties in your letters to me, then. It's not a lie, it's a courtesy. Although, I guess it would be hard to tell if it was fake, considering that you absolutely do seem to want something.

Have I worn your jacket? No, not really... I can't wear it to class and most days I'm not bothered to change into nice clothes unless something is happening. I did wear it on the weekend a little while I was writing your letter. Otherwise, it's safe in my trunk. I think people know it's not mine, because I've gotten a few odd looks about it, but you were right about the spikes. People don't want to mess with me.

Are you insane, by the way? This jacket looks expensive too. Don't your parents get mad at you for wasting your money? It is more my style though, so I'll wear it. My parents are going to think I've stolen it when I go home for Christmas. I wear a bag, also, but it's my enchanted satchel, not a purse or anything.

The beds in the Hufflepuff dorm have occamy feather blankets. Or at least fake occamy feather. I just think they look funny and are a pretty color. Plus, the way they can change size is useful. I'd love to be able to do that. Then I could eat more at dinner and not get fat.

Mom is like a schoolteacher, for little kids. I will explain toasters later because I can't be bothered and frankly I don't really know how they work, they just turn bread into toast. Can you do that with magic? Yes, obviously. Ugh.

Your mom breeds crups? The dogs that don't like muggles? I have a feeling your mom won't like me. Her life sounds cool, though. I think if I could have any career path, I'd be a naming seer. Does your name mean something, then? I'm just named George because it sounds good.

I wish I had a baby brother or sister. Instead I'm the baby brother, and that sucks. And now that I go to boarding school I don't even get the benefits of being the favorite. Ugh!

Now I'm annoyed. You should skip out on training and read my book instead so that Hogwarts beats you in the Hexwizard. That would make me feel better.

With neutrality,
George Henry
Queen of Hufflepuff
Owl Wrangler
Broom Racer Extraordinaire

P.S. If you regret giving me so many expensive jackets you can have them back when you guys come back to Hogwarts.

Attached is a copy of the aforementioned romance novel, with a rose blooming out of a skull pictured on the cover. A single blue feather is tucked between the pages. This is wizard romance for edgy kids. It probably involves kissing a vampire.

Mouse,

Maybe you have a difficult time bonding with your owl because you are just a little mouse and he assumes he should devour you.

You’re just being nice now because you definitely made that face. Can you picture the one I’m currently making?

Yes, but that is a really lame way of putting something. Also I’m not sure what sort of dates muggles go on but I am not going to be tossing you against the wall in front of your parents. Merlin. But I assume since they have eyes they will appreciate my style. If it would make you feel better I can wear the damn clothes my mother buys me. I don’t see how I’d look better in a suit. Boring.

Thank you for the book, I’ll definitely start reading it once I’m done my current novel. You said your father was a writer, what kind of writer is he?

Well, you should know up front that my family employs over three dozen house elves. It’s hard to keep a castle clean. They are, however, treated humanly. We are not fucking monsters. I can’t speak on werewolves as I have never met one, but as long as people aren’t asshole I don’t really care what they do/who they are. Is that all? Did I pass your test or do you still assume I’m some backwards thinking pureblood? Gotta admit, that’s a bit prejudice of you, Mouse.

I also know a Jack from your school but I am unsure if it’s the same one as I didn’t catchi his last name before or after we kissed. Spin the bottle is wild. Yeah, we bonded over our mutual hatred of someone and she made me my favourite necklace. So make sure you be nice to her, Cap.

If I wasn’t interested in you I wouldn’t have taken the time to write you back. This is how I talk to my best friends; ripping each other apart is how we show our affection.

I’m glad your wearing the jacket now and then. I like to claim my territory. You might not be ready to make out in the library yet but I’m reserving you, Mouse.

I don’t see it as wasted money, and why would they care? The last time my father and I had a proper conversation was probably last Christmas so I am more than content to spend his money on gifts. I am given monthly funds for basics anyways. The jacket wasn’t even that much so don’t worry about it.

Where in the UK do you live? My family has a few vacation homes but we usually spend Christmas in Brighton. Would be cool if I could see that nose of yours in person again.

How do muggles make fire? That’s something I’ve always wondered. My mother is not a fan of muggles but she can get over it. My ex girlfriend was muggleborn and she almost passed out when I told her.

Still a jerk,
Felix.

Felix Felicis,

Yes, that could be it. I often sense from him a great desire to kill me and eat me so that's probably because of my big nose and ears giving me a sort of rodent like appearance. My placement in Hufflepuff does not help, as that means I live in a hole in the ground; many delicious animals that owls like live in burrows.

I have only a distant memory of your face. It has been so long since I saw you. If I had to imagine, you probably have a smug smirk on your face. Or you're screwing your eyebrows up like you did when I said no to skipping studying.

Muggles go on normal dates, I guess. I've never really dated much. My brother takes his girlfriend out to shops and stuff, which I guess must be fun for all the time he spends doing it. I never had a muggle date.

Definitely don't come in a suit, my brother will make fun of you. And so will I.

What kind of writer is he? An unpublished one, at the moment, but I think that is soon to change. I don't really write many letters home while I'm at Hogwarts, because there isn't much that I can say without worrying them. They think broom racing is a much tamer sport than it really is, or else they'd make me quit it. They at least support me reading spell books, since they figure it's like school work. I guess it sort of is.

I am annoyed to admit you're right. I don't have any defense. I was testing you because I wanted to make sure you agreed with me on that stuff. It's important to me. Sorry.

The thought of you kissing either Jack Warren (my best friend) or Jack Burnett (somewhat my friend) is disgusting. Please never bring it up again. I'm definitely not kissing you if you kissed Jack Warren. I would rather die.

I am nice to Serena! I like her. We haven't hung out much lately though, but she was there when I went shopping for my first broom over the summer. Nimbus 1700, which I know is probably just cheap garbage to you, but it meant a lot to me.

I dunno if I'm reserved, or territory. I'm not a table at a restaurant nor a contested piece of land. Maybe I will go and make out with some other people at the library. After all, you said first kisses suck, right? You probably don't want mine anyway.

Sorry to hear about your dad. I know some of my other friends have crappy parents too. I don't really get along with my family but at least we get to talk to each other most of the time. Your parents sound like jerks. I hope your sisters are nice, I bet you're a good big brother.

I live in Walkerburn, in Scotland. It's near Peebles, which is near Edinburgh. It's really small and crappy so I doubt it's really worth visiting, even for me, especially because it's practically the other side of the country compared to Brighton. I can ask my parents if you can come visit, they'll probably say yes. They haven't had any of my friends over yet and they want to.

Your mom won't get mad if you go visit a muggle house will she? I don't want to get you in trouble. Or me in trouble. I suspect you don't really care about that though, right?

I'll send you my address if you still want to visit for real during next break. It'll be cold and miserable. I am looking forward to it.

I am attaching something to remember me by.

Regards,
George

Attached in the envelope is a small picture of George wearing a leather jacket. He has a stupid hat on, with stars and moons spangled all over it haphazardly, which appear to glow and twinkle as the picture moves. Based on the way he moves in the picture, he doesn't quite realize how moving pictures work, and is just switching through poses trying to find something cute.

Flying Mouse,

The more you tell me about your life the more you resemble a cute little rodent. Do you also sleep in an old tin can and use walnut shells for bowls?

I guess I have no choice but to attach a photograph to this letter, especially since you sent me one trying out several poses. I didn’t know you were training to be a model. Try not to deface this photo too much, my ego can only take so many drawn on pointy horns and beards.

Yeah, so you say that like I’d instantly fucking understand but… I don’t really know what a normal muggle date looks like. Do they use the toaster to make warm beard? It could be anything. Is that what you want to do for our first date? Have me buy you all new clothes? Because I’m not going to lie, that sounds pretty fucking fun.

Well damn, no leather, no suits. What am I supposed to wear? Flannel? My birthday suit?

I don’t understand their fear. The worst thing that could happen is that you break all your damn bones and who hasn’t had that happen several times?

I am starting to worry you will instantly dislike all of my pureblood friends. Although admittedly I am unsure if they would all pass your test.

I did not get a last name. It was a game of spin the bottle so I didn’t bother. Merlin, you really ruin the spirit of the game, Mouse. It’s not a big deal and this was over a year ago— I have washed my fucking mouth out over 400 times by now.

I’m a duellist so I don’t understand brooms. I know my friend Niff is on the Quidditch team and certainly seems to love his broom. So whatever makes you happy.

Wow what the fuck man, you must really like me if you want to practice kissing a bunch of people before you kiss me. Yet I potentially kiss your friend and I’m dead to you? Go kiss all the Jacks. But once we’re together I’m going to have to punch everyone you kiss. I can guarantee that you’re going to be thinking of me the entire time your lips are pressed against some other guy’s too.

My sisters are kids but seem okay. They’ll go to Durmstrang next year so we’ll see if they keep being okay people.

Mouse I’m a little disappointed in you. Have you forgotten that Portkeys exist? If I can find one to Scotland I’m pretty sure I can easily do the rest of the trip. As for my mother, deals are easily made. She has wanted to throw a Christmas party for years now and if I comply then she’ll be too busy to care where I go. I’ll be sure to toss you an invite as well.

Cold and miserable is how I spent most of my life. Send the address my way.

-Fel

The following photo is attached to the letter:

Reducio

Dear Felix,

No, I do not live in a can or use walnut shells for bowls. I do not live in a cartoon story book. Although, I guess it isn't really that far fetched to do that. I could use walnut shells for bowls if I charmed them to be larger, but I don't need to because I am fortunate enough to have real bowls. I do think cheese is pretty good though, I guess.

What a nice photo! I have made a few adjustments so it matches my tastes. I think a beard and horns suits you, so I'd advise trying to grow both. I never considered being a model myself but I do look good in the jacket, so maybe model can be Plan E.

No. Would you really take someone to your house to have toast as a date? You've surely had toast. Would you be impressed with someone if they gave you toast and butter and that's it? The whole idea of a date is to impress someone, and nobody has ever been impressed with toast, especially if you just make it with a toaster.

[An explanatory diagram of a toaster is included, showing bread entering a toaster, then popping out again, brown this time. It doesn't really explain the mechanism as much as the function.]

I don't need you to buy me anything for a date, thank you. Don't misunderstand, I really appreciate the stuff, and it would be nice to have a few more outfits, although I do like robes more these days. The fact of the matter is that I'm not nearly as rich as you are, so I'm not going to be able to buy you anything nice in return. You'll have to settle for toast.

My mom likes flannel so flannel would work. I usually just wear sweaters and my trousers, no leather jackets or suits. You can show up in wizard clothes if you want, they would get a kick out of it. Oh, and don't curse around my family, we don't do that. Yeah, whatever, the authority is totally controlling you. I can send an English thesaurus if you need new words to use instead.

Breaking your bones in the muggle world is waaay worse. They don't have skelegrow, or anything like it. I broke my arm once as a kid and I had to get it put in a cast, which is like this hard shell that stops it from moving, and then they just wait for the bone to heal on its own. It sucks, takes forever, and really hurts. They don't get it when I tell them that quidditch and stuff isn't even dangerous because even if we fall we'll be fine. They also said I am not allowed to join dueling because I mentioned all the fire.

I don't dislike people just because they're pureblood. Most of my friends are pureblood. But they all pass my test, even if sometimes they are a little ignorant about like, muggle stuff and half-breeds. If your friends wouldn't pass my test, why are they your friends?

Spin the bottle is life ruining and I'm glad I never played it. And it's not that you'll have cooties from him or something, it's just gross, but whatever. I am not gonna ask either of them for fear of finding out which it was.

I love my broom. I'm saving up for a new one, but I'm not sure I'll even get it. My broom has all my stickers on it and stuff (those are like little pictures you can stick on stuff, my mom has a lot of them)

[A glittery row of heart & gold star stickers goes across the letter here.]

Hahaha! Don't worry, I don't really have time to go kiss people right now. I have a History of Magic project due so I'm not really doing much socially right now aside from reading silently with my friends. Which is actually quite nice. Just so you know, I'll need you to wash your mouth out with soap before you come visit since I am not taking any chances.

I'm sure your sisters will be fine. It's probably nice to go to a school where your brother goes, too.

If you're completely sure, you can visit me at 6 Mill Road, Walkerburn. I'm not there right now though so don't go until over winter break, and make sure you warn me in advance with an owl or my parents will get upset.

For someone so cold and miserable, you sure give away a lot of jackets.

Love,
George

Attached to this letter is a crumpled ball of fabric that rolls out into a sweater that has obviously seen better days. Undoubtedly George's, it has been passed down from his father to his brother and him and now to some random Swede.

Love George,

Maybe I'll make you a custom jacket some day for you to model. Jump start your career. Also... Plan E? I've only heard two of your plans, well three if you count modeling. What are the other two? Must be nice not having your entire future planned out for you.

Listen, I don't fucking know what kind of things muggles like to do on dates. They don't have magic, maybe toast is the most exciting thing for them. For all I know they battle over who has the best toasts and butters, and the toasters.

I never asked for anything in return. Gifts shouldn't be given with the expectation one will be returned. That's a fucking stupid way of looking at someone trying to show affection. Also... No SWEARING? How am I supposed to get by without swearing? Do you just mean saying fuck or can I not say hell damn or any other English cusses?

I get it, the sweater is your attempt at dressing me. I'll have you know my mother has been trying to change my style for years and still has not succeeded. Do you really think this sweater will change my mind? Even if it kind of smells like you. Thanks.

Casts sound like torture devices. You just let your bone float around in there until it heals? I can't imagine doing that... What about burns? I get burnt so often when I duel. What other things can muggles not do? Do they not know about Dittany?

Things are different where I'm from. I never met a muggleborn before I visited Hogwarts. Even half-bloods here are rare. Hogwarts is so different... Half-breeds attend there too, vampires even. It's strange for us. Some of us are learning, slowly mind you, but being met with aggression never erased anyone's prejudice. Why would I stop being friends with someone who has been loyal to me if I can just help them change their viewpoint? I don't throw friends away that easily. Especially since it's rare to find someone I can actually stand.

Spin the bottle has taught me a lot. Mostly I just stopped caring about saving kisses after my ex turned out to be someone completely different than I thought she was. After that it was more so... Why should I care anymore? ... So yeah, I've kissed a lot of people, you should know that about me upfront. You can wash my mouth out, might take away the germs but it's still not going to work on my cursing.

I'm used to the cold, I want to make sure you're warm. Besides, I have a new sweater. Also, you signed love again. Does this mean you've fallen for me already? Are you showing off my picture and telling everyone about your new boyfriend?

Sweater-Clad,
Felix