Dancing Sparks PV Ruka Burnett-Tân Closed

When Ruka agreed to attempt to write poems with her, Winnie couldn't help but like him even more. Whatever they wrote together, she would cherish it. She really hoped they could do still practice together as well. Although the Gryffindor boy was a big distraction right now, especially since Ruka's warm body felt so nice pressed up against her own. Regardless of their kiss, it had been a while since someone had even given her a hug. A part of her didn't realize how lonely she felt until she was close to Ruka. She got the impression that he was lonely too.

He was the cause of her confidence. The older boy seemed to want to question her lack of it whenever they were together, after all. Or he seemed to want to get her out of her shell, at least. The fact that he hadn't pushed her away when she overstepped her boundaries again also spurred her on. Her kiss was sloppy, of course. Her mouth curiously pecking at those chapped lips, which were a bit sticky from her own lip balm. Softly at first, then faster, with a curious need. She was a just on the cusp of her teen years. Her only knowledge about kissing was from her mother's romance novels and the kiss Ruka had given her second prior. Her head was fuzzy, swimming with giddiness. Everything around her seemed to melt away until there was only Ruka. At some point they had stumbled backwards. Her thumb stroked affectionately over his warm cheek, her nose nuzzling against his own.

Her eyes opened slowly, their lips still brushing together as she smiled up at him. "Ruka." His name came out in more of a sigh. “Kissing you felt... Really nice.” She admitted, still in a bit of a daze, the aftereffect of what she believed to be a life-changing moment in her life. "Even better than when I received my letter from Hogwarts." Her gaze flickered back down to his lips. The revelation of what they just had done started to sink in. She could still feel his warm breath against her lips and the scent of his shampoo. "... I... Don’t know why you kissed me or what it means, but... Before you say anything... Thank you..." She smiled and cupped his face with her free hand, her fingers idly playing with his now rather messy hair. "That was the best first kiss... And you’re still the nicest person I’ve ever met." She assured him, realizing that his panic from earlier could possibly be from taking her first kiss without consent. Now she wanted more of them. He could take them whenever he wanted. Could she kiss him whenever she wanted? No, even she knew that would be weird. "Oh, wait." She leaned in again, affectionately pecking his lips for a moment before pulling back again. "Now it’s been three kisses, so you know I care." She said, offering him a happy grin, referencing the hand squeezes from earlier.

@Winnie Harper

Winnie's kiss was certainly far more eager and enthusiastic than his had been, and Ruka found himself at a loss for what to do. Her lips nipped and pecked at his as if trying to map every ridge and crease, his own lips had become damp with lip balm and traces of saliva. For a moment he held his breath, eyes squeezed shut as he simply let her do what she wanted. It was numbing in a way; For the moment he just relaxed, let go of all tensions and the restless thoughts constantly rushing through his mind. Nothing existed except for the warmth of someone wanting him close.

When Winnie pulled away, Ruka blinked his eyes back into focus but they would be glazed over, looking through the girl in front of him even as she talked. There were words about how nice kissing him had been, the sound of his name sighed contently, but none of it really registered as his brain slowly started to function again. What had he done, why did he keep doing this?

His lips parted with slight difficulty, sticky from strawberry flavoured lipgloss, when she pointed out that she didn't know why he kissed her or what it meant. That makes two of us, he wanted to say, but before he could she had already continued talking, thanking him for some absurd reason, as if he had just done her a favour rather than having taken something from her she hadn't agreed to giving him. Somehow it made him feel sick when she talked about how he was still the nicest person she'd met, how he had given her the best first kiss.

No, no, no

What was she saying? How could she say something like that when he had just stolen a second first kiss without any actual emotion behind it? Weren't kisses supposed to happen with someone you truly loved and cared for? Someone you were comfortable with? So why did he keep reacting with them to discomfort instead? Why was he so needlessly drawn to this kind of affection from people he didn't really have any connection to? What was W R O N G with him?

He made a sound, something confused and horrified, but it got muffled by her lips finding his own once more, for a shorter while this time, just enough to make him feel a little dizzy. A third kiss so he'd know she cared, just like the three squeezes. He wanted to laugh lightly at the comparison, wanted her grin to infect him, but he just kept staring at her with wide eyes.

"I'm not Jack," he blurted out nonsensically, as if she could have somehow made that mistake, as if she hadn't said his name multiple times by now. Still, was that why she had been pleased about him kissing her? Because she could pretend like he was his brother? They looked alike enough that it might be a possibility. For all he knew, Winnie had decided that if she couldn't have Jack she'd settle for the next best thing. "I mean... I mean it seemed like you like him. But I'm not him, I'm me." This was going great, he was a fountain of wisdom and eloquence. "Shouldn't... Shouldn't you be mad at me?"

Ruka looked so cute in his post-kiss daze that Winnie was half tempted to try and kiss him again. Or perhaps she simply wanted more excuses to stay close to him. Regardless, it didn't matter because she wasn't going to pull away, even as they had what was likely to be an awkward or difficult conversation. Although part of her had really just hoped that Ruka would confess that he had feelings for her. It might have been a bit easier that way, but logic still had to come into play. Fear suddenly pulled in her stomach as a voice whispered insecurities inside of her head. Why would Ruka, who could have any girl or boy he wanted, be interested in her? He and Jack were the most handsome boys in the school and she was nothing. Even if she was something to him, it was most likely a sick peasant that a fairytale prince had felt sorry for and decided to save. She was no princess and she was most certainly not the main heroine of her mother's romance books. The prince was not supposed to kiss the peasant. He was supposed to kiss a girl worthy of him. Dee would be a perfect choice for Ruka or Kazuo. Both were intelligent and beautiful. She was suddenly starting to question her memories. Had Ruka kissed her, or had she kissed him? Salty tears begin to sting her eyes as she tried to sort through her thoughts in a panic.

And then Ruka spoke. Not Jack? Of course he wasn't Jack. Why would he say that---... Oh no. He knew about her crush. But how? Had Jack shown him her letters? Were they laughing at them together? No... Ruka would never make fun of her. Regardless of her basically being a pebble in his shoe. She lost her smile.

"Ruka... I'm aware that you're not Jack." Why did he state it like that? Was he worried that Winnie had mistaken him for his brother? It was very clearly Ruka standing in front of her. I mean, the two boys looked alike, sure, but--... Wait... Now that she thought of it... The really looked alike. The first time she had seen Jack, she had been reminded of a cute animal Ruka. Then, when he spoke, he was even more charming so she couldn't help but fall for him. "I'm not mad at you." Why would she be mad? This did confirm that her memories weren't incorrect, however. So then why had he kissed her? Why had she kissed him back? He wasn't Jack, he was Ruka. Was he worried that Winnie thought he was a replacement of sorts? "I didn't kiss you because you look like Jack or because you're his brother. I kissed you because I wanted to."

"You kissed me so I would have a nice first kiss... Like I always dreamed of." Her bottom lip started to quiver, so she bit down onto it. "I k-know you're not Jack... You're Ruka. It felt nice. I wanted to kiss you. I'm sorry, Ruka... Please don't hate me..." She was full on crying again, tears streaming down her cheeks as she trembled. "I like you, but I know you would never like me back. I'm not worthy of your affection." She would say it out loud so Ruka wouldn't have to, her voice hitching. "I know I don't have any right to ask you this, but... P-Please don't stop being nice to me..." She asked, not realizing that at this point she was clinging to his costume. She was unlovable. Her father had left her and now she had done something to Ruka. He was going to do the same. He should do the same. "You're very important to me and these past few weeks have been the best of my weeks at Hogwarts. I don't want to stop being friends... I also don't want to stop kissing you but I know that's a bit too much to ask for."

@Winnie Harper

Still stuck in a cloud of confusion, Ruka took a moment to realise that Winnie's entire demeanour had changed. All that confidence with which she had kissed him had evaporated as she looked at him and started talking. Her words were a direct answer to everything he had previously not-so-eloquently muttered, and yet they didn't make any sense to him. He could feel the same question running through him, over and over again; What is wrong with me?

Because clearly, something had to be wrong with him for his mind and body to react this way to physical closeness. Clearly he wasn't supposed to kiss people out of panic. It didn't do any good, it didn't clear any confusion, didn't make him feel better, confused the other person too. Was there something inside him, something cold and cruel, that wanted him to play with people's - and his own - feelings like this? Was he just irreparably self-destructive?

Blinking, Ruka slowly focused on Winnie again. She was still close, hadn't pushed him away, but she was crying, her lips quivering, her cheeks wet. Fantastic, crying seemed to be a general response to his kissing. What exactly did that say about him?

Her words kept coming, her voice desperate as she begged him not to hate her, not to stop being nice to her. What was she talking about?

"Winnie," he started, voice hoarse, as if he hadn't used it in days. "Why are you... why are you crying?" He lifted both hands, awkwardly patting the air around her. Why was he so horrible at knowing how to deal with crying people? How were you supposed to comfort someone without making things worse? He took a deep breath, finally managed to wrap his arms around her and pull her against his chest to hold her close for some comfort. Somehow he had managed to make her feel like she was the one who had done something wrong, when it was him.

"You..." He swallowed heavily, blinked as his hold around her tightened along with his nerves. "You want to keep kissing me?" What did that even mean? She didn't want to stop kissing him right now? Ever? Was she asking him to be her boyfriend? Oh no. Oh no, no, no. His breathing sped up, his shoulders shook with the tension coursing through his body. This was no good. How was he supposed to tell her that he wasn't looking to date anyone? He was barely capable of being a functioning person, had no idea how to even really be someone's friend, let alone someone's boyfriend.

"Winnie, we're..." He paused, unsure of how to let her down as gently as possible. "We don't... You barely know me. I'm not really... You're sweet, really, but I'm not... I'm not exactly boyfriend-material. I'm barely even friend-material. Don't you think you deserve more commitment than that?" He frowned as he slowly loosened his hold around her so she could pull away if she wanted to. One of his hands reached up to wipe some tears from her cheeks. "There's plenty of people who'd feel lucky to date you, I'm sure. I'm just not... That's not me, I'm sorry."

Winnie was only able to snap out of her flood of self-doubt when Ruka finally spoke. She blinked over at him in surprise, her vision still blurry from her tears. Wasn't it obvious why she was crying? Why was Ruka confused about it? She blinked again when he began to awkwardly pat the space around her. She bit down on her lower lip to keep herself from laughing. The Gryffindor was so endearing without meaning to be. He probably wasn't used to girl's crying in his arms, but he was doing his best to comfort her and it was very sweet. She would expect no less from Ruka.

"I'm worried about losing you." It felt nice when he pulled her in for a proper hug. He had never hugged her first before, and the simple action was enough to get Winnie to stop sobbing. 'He doesn't hate me...' Her body relaxed under his touch, her shoulders ceasing their shaking. His scent was also calming. Burnt wood and lemon tea... She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him gently as some of her insecurities slowly melted away. Ruka wasn't leaving her. He wasn't leaving her... Thank Merlin.

Her cheeks heated up again at that question. Of course she did. Who would want to ever stop kissing him? His sudden tense body worried her, though, and then came that explanation. Not boyfriend material? ... How could he not be...? She was confused, her brows knitting together as she gazed up at his face and allowed her own to be wiped clean. Maybe he was also lacking self confidence? But why? He was too humble. It was very sweet. "Ruka I... Also wouldn't be good girlfriend material." She admitted, her tongue sweeping across her lips as she spoke. Her throat also felt dry. "I would likely embarrass you." She told him, her mouth curving into a little smile, pulling one hand free to wipe away any stray tears as she took in a deep breath. "You deserve better than me. I'm a mess right now. I... I know I'm weird and needy." She could hear what people said about her, listening to the whispers now and then. "... And my father just... He left us..." She bit down on her lower lip to keep it from trembling again. She took in a deep breath, refusing to allow her father to be the cause of her tears again.

"I really... Want to get to know you better, though." She peeked curiously up at him again, watching his lips move. "Maybe... We can just spend time together, at least once a week?" She was asking too much of him again, but she swallowed her insecurities momentarily. "A-And if you want to kiss me now and then, that would be fine too." She offered him a playful smile. "But I think spending time together... Even if we're just practicing our art. It seems like... We both have some insecurities and it could be beneficial to both of us." Ruka hadn't pulled away from her kiss, so she knew he had gotten something out of it too. Even if it had dulled his loneliness for a moment... She was happy to provide that support. Instead of pulling away from him, she wrapped her arms around him and gave him three squeezes.

@Winnie Harper

Ruka blinked at Winnie in confusion. She was worried about losing him? He wasn't going anywhere, was he? He wasn't sick and he'd only just gotten back to Hogwarts without intention of leaving except for the holidays, so what was she talking about? He didn't know what to say so he remained silent as she slowly stopped shaking, his hug seemingly having a calming effect. Strange, really, considering how tense it usually made him to be touched by people he wasn't already comfortable with. Maybe Winnie was just naturally comfortable with touch and other people?

He pulled away a little when Winnie started talking again, and her words made him swallow heavily. She was talking about not being girlfriend material as if she wanted to reassure him that it didn't matter to her that he didn't think of himself as someone who would be good in a relationship. That wasn't exactly what he had meant by that, though, and he was about to say as much when she mentioned the fact that her father had just left her family. Immediately all thoughts of kissing and relationships were wiped from his mind, replaced by a strange kind of kinship. Winnie's father may have sounded like a jerk, but Ruka was well aware that the loss of someone could hurt, no matter how angry you may have been with them.

"Winnie," he said quietly, a sorrowful look crossing his face. She was still talking, saying how she wanted to get to know him, how they should keep spending time together, how they could be good for each other, but Ruka barely heard her, only tilted his head to the side and stared at her for a long while. He tensed up only slightly this time when she hugged him with yet another three squeezes.

Carefully he untangled himself from her embrace and took her hand in his own to tug her down so they could sit on the floor next to each other. "I'm sorry about your dad," he said. It was the only thing that seemed important in the moment. "You don't deserve that. You deserve parents that stick around, that are there for you." Ideally, Winnie's father should have realised what a rubbish parent he had been, should have worked on improving himself, instead of running away like a coward and leaving his family behind. The thought left a bitter taste at the back of his tongue. "He's not worth you feeling bad over him," he continued, shaking his head. His hand was still holding hers loosely between them. "You know it's not your fault, right?" Taking blame for a parent leaving was a struggle he knew all too well. He definitely did not wish that feeling on anybody. "He's the one who's done something wrong."

Winnie was comfortable around Ruka. He was probably the person she felt most comfortable with in Hogwarts. Even if she didn't understand boundaries, she wouldn't have cuddled up to a stranger. She did have standards. In her flustered panic, Winnie had hardly realized she had mentioned her father. Her flowing tongue was simply dumping everything on her mind out of her mouth, worried that Ruka would turn and leave.

"Oh... Ruka." She spoke his name as he wriggled out of her hold, her light blue eyes blinking up at him. For a moment, she thought that he would just walk out of the rehearsal room and leave her behind. She wouldn't have blamed him. It would have also been a smart move on his half; the more the Gryffindor soothed her, the more attached to him she was. People probably made fun of him for spending time with her. She was bright enough to be painfully aware of how awkward she was, but also too daft to figure out how to fix it. She had thought if she did everything Ruka asked, he would see that she was useful and would want to keep her around. If she was useful enough, he would care about her. She could even be friends with his friends. Maybe it was foolish to try and wedge yourself into a place you weren't welcome, like an infant forcing a square block into a circular hole.

That's who she was though; a fool.

She allowed her body to be pulled down and she silently took a seat on the floor, surprised that he had still not walked out of the room, that he was holding her hand. Winnie stared over at the boy she considered her hero. Her father? She had mentioned him before and told the boy she would tell him about it another day, but she had made the conversation about herself again in her panic. "I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you with my troubles." She licked over her lips and swallowed, her throat was dry and felt like sandpaper. Her cheeks were damp again. She lift her free hand to use the sleeve of her uniform to rub her tears away. "He is not a good father." She agreed, gazing down at their hands. Her grip tighten as she ran through everything in her head. She had almost memorized his letters at this point. "But... I think it might be partly my fault." She admitted with a chuckle, the sound escaping her lips in with a single 'huff'. "He never wanted me." She admitted, roughly wiping away more tears. "I overheard him saying it to Mum once. I was eight, their arguing woke me up in the middle of the night. I crept down the stairs to listen, they had no idea I was there. I heard him say it to her... He said he never wanted children but she had pushed him. I remember getting upset and going back upstairs. I thought that maybe it was a dream so I closed my eyes... But it wasn't." She shrugged her shoulders and continued, "So... I did see this coming, It wasn't a question of if but a question of when. I tried my best to make him proud, but it was never enough... I think... I think I might be unlovable, Ruka." She focused on his hand again, willing herself not to cry, that it was okay. Once she spoke about this, Ruka would want to show her his fire dance and things could go back to normal. She traced a scar with her thumb idly. "... But I still can't help but wonder... Why doesn't he want me?"

@Winnie Harper

With a little more distance between their bodies, Ruka instantly felt more relaxed, like he could breathe easier. The position they took on the floor was more comfortable to him; The only point of touch was their hands, which Ruka was not going to let go of while Winnie was so distraught. No matter his personal preferences, Winnie was crying and clearly needed some comfort.

He stayed silent to let Winnie talk about her father, about how she felt it was her fault in a way, how he never wanted kids. It made rage boil his blood to listen to it. No kid should be feeling this, he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy. "It's not your fault that he did something he didn't want," Ruka pointed out through gritted teeth as he gave Winnie's hand a small squeeze. Breathing got a little harder once more, though this time it was the thought of a parent running out on their child that suffocated him. Was that why his mum had left as well? Had she simply not wanted a child, wanted to pretend like he didn't exist?

When Winnie questioned why her father didn't want her, Ruka shook his head with a little too much force. He felt dizzy from the gesture. "Because he's a coward," he decided immediately. "He's a coward who can't handle the responsibility so he's running away from it to things that are easier. It's not your fault he isn't strong enough to deal with complications, that he doesn't know how to adapt." He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and gnawed on it for a moment. "He's not a good father, but that does not make you unloveable. Your mom loves you, right? There'll always be people out there who can't accept you but who cares, Winnie?" He tilted his head to the side and leaned his back against the wall, never letting go of the girl's hand to make sure he could offer her at least some kind of comfort. "That's their problem. It's his problem. Those who mind don't matter," he said, something Jack liked to say sometimes. "And those who matter don't mind. If your dad doesn't want to stick around for you and your mom then he doesn't matter. Sounds to me like he only made you feel bad anyway, so he may as well go and be a jerk somewhere he doesn't bring you down with him." He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, squeezing them shut and using his free hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. "The best thing you can do..." He took a deep breath then turned to look at Winnie again. "Is forgive him for what he did to you, accept that it's not your fault - because it isn't - and move on. Find people who are willing to stick around. They say friends are the family you choose, right? So, you go and make your own family."

Ruka's warm hand felt good wrapped around her own, and using her thumb to map the beautiful star chart of his scars also calmed her. She wondered if they were all from his art form. Fire. Must people feared it, but not Ruka. That made sense to her, given how highly she thought of him. He was also a Gryffindor, that was proof of his bravery, right? Maybe fire was something that most misunderstood, or it was like the ocean and needed to be respected. That soft squeeze snapped her out of her thoughts and, she registered what Ruka had told her. Wasn't her fault? No, he was correct. It wasn't her fault that her father had decided to have children, regardless of how much he knew he didn't want them. Perhaps it was also her mother's fault for pressuring him, if she actually had. Although Winnie partly doubted it, because her father wasn't one to compromise.

As soon as the explanation of 'because he's a coward' left Ruka's lips, Winnie couldn't stop herself from a sudden burst of affection towards the boy. It was such sound and simple reasoning, but for some reason she hadn't been able to come to the conclusion herself. It was as though she needed someone on her side, someone to assure her that her fears were just that; fears. "... Y-Yes." She felt her voice crack at his response, and she used her tongue to wet her lips. She was used to the moisture of her lip gloss, but sweet Ruka was wearing most of it by now. "She does." She nodded her head, her blue eyes flickering back up to the boy's face. "I suppose I feel disconnected because I'm away from her. She was really the only person around me before attending Hogwarts. Sometimes I feel so empty here. I tried to make connections but it seems like everyone grouped off and I was left behind. I don't know how I can be at a place with so many people and feel so alone..." She shrugged her shoulders, squeezing Ruka's hand. She wanted to cry again, but his presence was soothing. That hand was her only anchor right now. She squeezed it three times to calm herself. She had someone who cared about her at Hogwarts now, right?

'Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'. Winnie liked that too. She would have to remember it next time she was feeling overwhelmed. Ruka didn't seem to mind, which was good because he mattered a lot to Winnie. She could feel fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. Tears of sorrow, of acceptance that her father would never be the kind of father she wanted him to be. "You're right, Ruka. I just wish... That things were different, but... I guess there are just some things that we can't control. I can't make someone love me, and... I really tried. I would do anything for him and it was never enough. I'd also get punished for asking about magic, but that's a while other story... I guess it will be nice to be able to openly research it this summer..." She still remembered the day her acceptance letter had arrived. She had been visiting her maternal grandparents and the owl had crashed into their home. She had a feeling her father would have tried to hide the letter otherwise. "I guess there will always be a part of me that wonders why I was never enough, regardless of knowing that I shouldn't care what he thinks."

"I... I really like the idea of making my own family." Winnie admitted with a soft smile, raising her free hand to roughly wipe away her tears. "Not through blood relations, but sort of through... soul relations." She wondered if that made sense, before deciding she needed to explain a bit further. "There are a lot of cultures who believe in the concept of soulmates, and... I don't just mean the romantic type. 'Anam Cara' is a Celtic concept, for example. basically meaning 'soul friend', where they believe souls have been connected to each other since the beginning of time and that no matter where you are, you are meant to be together. I think being connected through your soul might be more important than being connected through blood. Blood is just blood, souls are... Who we are. B'fhéidir gur tusa mo chara anam. Translation: Maybe you're my soul friend." She said, blinking over at the boy, her expression one of sincerity. Then, her lips suddenly curved into a smile. "Sorry. We were having a nice moment and I... Went off about random facts. Your explanation just made me think of it. ... I hope it's okay if... I think of you as part of my found family, Ruka."

@Winnie Harper

Feeling lonely in a place where you were almost never alone.

It was a concept Ruka was much too acquainted with. It had always fascinated him, in a depressing kind of way, how it was possible to feel so disconnected from all those people around him, how he couldn't seem to fill that void of loneliness, no matter how many people were surrounding him at all times. "It can be hard to connect," he told Winnie with a small smile, doing his best not to tense each time he felt her thumb brushing across the back of his hand, or the continuous squeezes she offered him. The touch was still unsettling in a way, even if he thought he was doing a really good job at pulling himself together. "Just because there are people around you doesn't mean you feel connected to any of them. Without that connection you won't be able to still the loneliness, or the disconnect." He would know, would he not? "But that just makes it all the more valuable when you do meet people who can make you stop feeling lonely." Offering her an encouraging smile, Ruka shuffled a little to find a more comfortable position.

Casting a glance at Winnie's face, Ruka could see new tears glistening on her cheeks, and he instinctively reached his free hand to carefully wipe them away. "People love you or they don't. If you have to change for them to love you then they don't love you either, they just love the act you're putting on for them. Someone who loves an act is better off at the theatre rather than in real life." A bitterness laced his voice as he spoke. Changing for the sake of someone else's affections was very much against his principals.

He faltered, for a moment, when Winnie mentioned having been punished for asking about magic. "He didn't like you asking about magic?" he wondered, a trace of disgust in his expression. "So not only were you not good enough for him just the way you are, he actually wanted you to suppress a part of who and what you are?" Ruka hated that, with every fibre of his being. "You're better off without him, Winnie. Really, he's not worth any of your tears."

He fell silent for a moment as she started talking again, mentioning Anam Cara, a concept Ruka was familiar with, though Winnie seemed to feel the need to elaborate on it anyway, so he let her without interruption. The words spoken in a different tongue didn't translate to his brain quickly, with him not having been in Ireland for a couple of years and having learned a lot of Gaelic growing up anyway, but he could still make out the gist of what she was saying, and it made him blanch for a moment before he felt his cheeks heating up. Releasing nothing but a stuttering sound, Ruka was glad when Winnie continued talking to apologise.

"I'm not sure you know me well enough to know whether you really want me as part of your found family," he said quietly, averting his eyes for a moment to stare at his own knees instead. "Do you know what you're looking for in that found family of yours, Winnie?"