one last time (this is my goodbye)

My dear and beloved darlings,

I am leaving this site.

It is with a heartache beyond what you can imagine that I am typing these words. I would have not, not in a thousand years, imagined my departure. I had my next characters planned, I was certain I was going to grow old with this site, and I have never ever questioned the fact I would remain here forever.

So, this is a surprise, for you as much as for myself. I realized it Monday evening, when Zach's update caused an emotional overwhelming that ensued me crying myself to sleep ; at the time I could not understand why I was so affected by the site changing physically, I do now. My brain had made its decision, and had realised something I wanted to ignore for as long as possible — this is not my site anymore.

Did you ever had the misfortune of standing in front of someone you once loved, and looking at a stranger? If you do, first of all I'm sorry, second of all you may have an idea of what I currently feel. A bittersweet mixture of resignment, despair, devastation and heartbreak. I do not want to leave. I don't. I bargained with myself long enough to know every single reason and consequence of my departure, it is not something I take lightly. It is also not something I would consider my own choice.

I have. So many unfinished projects. You may know I am the current Professor of Herbology. Herbology was my passion. I wanted to forge an internship which will in turn bring back the eighth greenhouse ; I had homework rewriting and a new curriculum to propose ; I wanted to develop the Greenhouses ; introduce new areas, host events and errands... I am a Quidditch Captain, and was looking forward to modding my first match, to host my first unofficial game, to play my first match. I own a shop, and was looking forward to create more and more for all of you. Finally, I have three gems of characters, and had billions of plans for them, unfinished or not yet started. I wanted to grow with them, learn with them, see them blossom in whatever way they wished to. I wanted to keep creating, keep pouring my passion, energy and comitment into those projects. I wanted to stay. I am heartbroken.

We have a saying in french, "à contre-coeur". English translates it to "with a heavy heart", but it is beyond that. I am going against what my heart desires. Against what my heart begs me to do. I am leaving everything I have fought so hard to earn, everything I have built, everything I was planning to build.

Why?

This site has changed.

It is not only the arrival of AI, something I am bewildered people are finding ways to argue about. I do not mean for this thread to spark up more debate, so please read this as my opinion, and refrain from arguing yours, but I will never ever advocate for the use of AI on a creative site. This doesn't align with my values, with how I identify myself as a writer, an artist, and I am beyond disappointed to see some member's opinion on this topic. It should be common sense that AI doesn't have its place on a creative site, even if it mainly aimed at writing, and I am sickened to see not everyone shares that opinion, let alone wants to acknowledge the obvious, countlessly proven argument that it is a wormhole of everything any reasonable human being would fight against — destroying knowledge, destroying culture, stealing from artists, destroying creativity, destroying critical thinking, destroying the environment, destroying habitats, destroying people.

No, I have realized what I previously felt was my home, my comfort spot, my safe place, where I would run to tearing down and emerge laughing, what sparked my creativity, what pushed me to be better, again and again and again — this site, this site had fundamentally changed. The recent thread about AI achieved to destroy the last sense of community I felt. If not for my friends, the lovely souls and beings I have met throughout my journey, I would have genuinely lost it. It is insane how unsafe I felt reading some posts in this thread, and that feeling translated to outside of this thread. Those who constantly framed "us", meaning we who advocate against AI, as insensitive villains harassing everything that breathed the wrong way, who pushed people to leave, I am looking at you right now and telling you, I am leaving. Yet I will not blame you personally for my departure, unlike you. While the thread made me realize the rift growing more and more within the community, it was only, like Zach's update, a way of opening my eyes, not the main cause.

Ultimately, I am leaving to protect myself.

My mental health has been considerably destroyed over the last few months, for a plethora of reasons, the main one being I am incapable of identifying my own dread. I should have realized sooner that I was trying to grasp at straws that were already crumbling. I did not want to. I still don't, even if I know my heart is set. Remaining on the site will only add water to an already flooding vase, and destroy what is left of the magic this site held. I no longer feel at home within this community, within staff, within this site.

So, this is goodbye. I have cried, I will cry again, but this is the dot at the end of the sentence. One I had wished would go on forever. One I must finish now, to be able to move on.

Before ending this letter, I would like to address a few words to the ones I love most, the ones I am leaving behind, and the ones I want to apologize to.

First of all, to everyone who I will not mention personally below, either those I have interacted with, roleplayed with or simply talked to — Damien, Emma, Avis, Erendriel, Della, Archer, and countless others —, I have neither forgotten you nor will I. Thank you for having been such an important part of my time on site, I love you all so so much, and I wish you all the best. To all of you who have ordered past and present at my shop, thank you for fueling my creativity. I am sorry I will not be able to complete your orders, believe me when I say I was so excited to make them. Thank you

Next, to my beloved Herbology students, those who wanted to interact with Malaika, those who enjoyed my grading homework, those who were excited to read the lore I wrote, and those who were hyped for what would come next — I am sorry. Believe me when I say this is breaking my heart. I have nothing else to say aside from sending you my best wishes, sending you my love, and hoping my replacement will have the same passion and dedication that I planned to invest in it. If there was a way to still make these projects come to life under my character, believe me, I would. But, I must go, for my own sake. I am sorry, dears. I will miss you so much, and I hope this wonderful subject will continue to marvel you.

To the Ravenclaw Quidditch Team, I present my most sincere apologies. I hope you guys noticed how excited I was, how thrilled and how eager. The server I created for us I will miss dearly, and I will forever regret not having played a single match with you guys. I will miss strategizing, I am beyond sad to have never have the opportunity to mod a game, and I. I don't know what to say. I am sorry.

To @Ebony Vetra | Bee. Bee I am so sorry. I wish I could steal you and our team and just do our game together, I. You are one of the major reasons I did not want to leave. I could not have dreamed of a better co-captain. We have only seriously interacted when we were both named, and oh stars above I will miss you, our chemistry, and the projects we wanted to build. I. I don't know how to say anything else without miserably sobbing on the floor, I love you, I will miss you, and I know the team will spread their wings and soar higher than ever under your watch. Gah I'm crying now, great.

☾

@Meiyu Xiang, @Fire Davies, @Aodhan Shaw, @Chada Sangthong, @Oliver Armani, @Eric Kim, @Hana Bakir, @Novalie Moon, @Ula Takkashi and @others I will tag below
To @Tarot | Guys I love you so, so much. You were one of the best thing this site has given me, and I am beyond happy I have met you. I feel we have been friends since the dawn of time, and perhaps some of it is true. This isn't goodbye, I'll see you on the other side of the war (yes, another hamilton ref), I hug you super tight and kiss the tip of your nose.

To @Giovanni De'Luca | My dearest british boy, I am beyond happy to have immediately assaulted your owls as soon as I noticed your character. What had started as me fomenting plots for my moonchild quickly blossomed into a friendship I'm delighted to have, and one I hope to keep, even now as I am leaving. Astralune is forever the cutiest cutie pies, thank you for blessing me with your writing. Our conversations have sparked so much love for you in my heart, and I hope to keep you close, darling.

To @Esme Hestridge ; @Katherine Townsend | Thea, I am so glad I met you. Your voice and accent is forever engrained in my mind as one of the coolest I've heard, I will miss your bewildering creativity, even though I trust you will find even more astonishing new ways to display it. See you on the other side of the war, thank you for being such a cool, funny, constant presence by my side. Love you, pie!

To @Prat Pass | As you have beautifully said in your text, you were one of, if not my first friend on site. Our group has its up and downs and we parted ways, I have seen you grow and grow evermore, and I am happy to consider you my friend. I send you hugs, Praston forever <3

To @Jessamine Lancaster ; @Livia Machavariani | I reiterate what I said in DMs but you were the only admin I felt comfortable enough to go talk to. Thank you for your softness, your empathy, your understanding, your neutrality, your patience. Thank you for being you, and I must say how insanely good of a writer you are. Everything you said about me pushing you to be better, I return it to you with flowers. I will miss you so much, don't be a stranger <3

To @Lyanna Oak | Dear, I feel SO BAD doing this whilst you're laying on your hospital bed like a victorian child, my DMs are always open if you want to discuss, but I just wanted to say you were a very, very dear friend to me. I loved our conversations, loved our synched sleep schedules, loved our plans and loved just overall discussing with you. I will miss you :(

To @Mamori Anezaki, @Elisa Shakestra, @Aodhan Shaw | Surprise surprise! I AM SO SORRY. I wish there was a way for me to remain and also leave at the same time, I am. Devastated to end this game, it was absolutely fun, and I adored discovering your brains, how you think and how you function. I will miss strategizing with you. My last yap lay in the chat like an offering TT. Sending hugs!

To @Pericles Dralt | Darling you were the first person I was extremely nervous to DM. Your talent, your presence, your character and penship caused me to linger outside your door for days, trying to come up with a plot interesting enough for you to notice me (and it worked!) I adored our threads, adored our plots, adore you, I hug you tight, I hope life will reserve only the best for your little heart.

To @Taros Quintero ; @Silas Norwood | Dear you were one of the best unexpected friendship of this side. I can't even remember how we began seriously conversing, but you have captured my heart in a split second. You are adorable in ways I cannot explain, I adore you so so much. PLEASE keep bothering me with whatever cross your mind. I love you pookie <3

To @Ari Gwild | I would say I will miss our conversations but haha you are NOT getting out of here, I'm your moonbeam forever, and we will keep talking about Radiohead and Andy until we both are reduced to dust. I care about you so much, I hope the hardships of your life are over, and that now you will only know the sweet sensation of happiness, forever and ever. Mwah!

To @Lorenzo Vincenti ; @Noel Clavero | My little goose, I don’t think I have to explain how much our conversations means to me. Do not. Stop. Ever. Telling me about your latest exploit then proceeding to pretend you are not a genius. Or I will chase you with geese. A lot of angry geese. I adore the way your mind functions, I adore how similar you and I are, I adore the values we both share and how deeply you dive into conversations when most would stop at a simple question. I love you dear, never ever change.

To @Alyss Gilmour | My lyly, this hurts so much. I. THE WEDDING. THE WEDDING. We will never have our adorable hio wedding :( paperflowers :(. More seriously, I can never thank you enough for the literal sunray your presence is. I see you as a flowers spreading a sweet, lovely and calming fragrance wherever you step. You are one of the most, if not the most, mature, kind, perfect human being I’ve been given to meet. I cannot imagine anyone on this earth not liking my lyly. And if they do, I will personally chase them and bury them alive. I love you so much, baby. So much.

To @Camille de Varenne | The only person who have its own folder in my owls, and that is little to say about how much I adore you. You are insanely creative, insanely smart, insanely fun, you manage to keep the spark of creativity afloat in me like very few people can, and you are overall such a great friend and lovely presence. I love our gossiping sessions, I love our discussions, I love you, diva.

To @Adeline Spinks | Here's to one of the best banner maker this site has ever seen. I will forever be your favourite client, regular, whatever you want to call it, just feed me your art and I will sell you my soul. Jokes aside, thank you. Thank you for being here literally each time I needed you to. Thank you for your support, your help, your advices and your ideas. I will mourn our project the same way I will mourn our plots. I love you, my little plant lady.

To @Cecilia Merrick | Gosh this is getting harder by the second, pie, pie I love you. Clea, Cece, I love you so so much. Your mind is so full of hidden doors I love to explore, you are a perfect human being, and such a creative spirit. I adore your characters, I adore talking with you, plotting with you. It’s so easy and effortless. You are someone I do not have to worry about falling out of touch with, I feel we could stop talking for a year and then randomly resume the next day, without hellos or how are yous. You are a comfort person, so I thank you so much. I love you, babe.

To @Stella Bianchi | Ivy, you are one of my favourite people, and I don’t think I have to reiterate how much I care about you. You are. One of those people I stare at and wonder where and [/i] how they find all of this creativity. Whenever you say I inspire you, I am truly bewildered as to how you could possible look up to me, when you are you. Aside from the endless pool of genius and talent that you are, you are also a friend I know I can talk to whenever something is wrong, without fearing of being judged. If we ever have a disagreement, I know we will fix it, and that is more precious to me than anything. I love you, michelle, can’t wait to create new things with you.

To @Valour Argentum | …Where do I even start. Vyn you are one of my favourite people, of all time, period. I have urges to talk to you every day, even if I have nothing to say. I feel loved, secure and comfortable with you, I adore talking to you about anything and everything. I hope you will keep coming to me with whatever troubles you, with whatever you want to talk about, and I look forward to create with you. Speaking of, you are another of the “how” and “where” do they find this creativity. I am, stunned. Each time you make something. I physically can’t understand how you could be so cool, so fun, so smart, so creative and aesthetic. I believe I have found a piece of my heart in your friendship, and I hope to keep it, and foster it for as long as I can. I love you, dear.

And last but not least, To @Evpraksiya Vinogradova | This is a surprise to absolutely no one (quick, act surprised!), and I almost feel silly typing this given we’ve just talked, and we’ll talk right after I finish this, but I just wanted to once more say that I love you, my darling. You are the greatest gift this site has given me, and I am beyond happy to pack you in my suitcases. To our love and friendship, and may they last for centuries to come. Or I will track you down.

This concludes my departure message. Even if I leave with a heavy heart, know that this is the best for me, for my mental health. I have cherished every second of my time on site, and I will cherish it for as long as I live. Thank you, all of you. Thank you Zach for creating such a site. I am sending you all of my love.

(I want to sit under my one vine, and fig tree. A moment alone in the shade. One last time?)

Sincerely,

ELENA CLARK | daughter of the moon