Draculear and the Free Real Estate

Count Dracula paced back and forth after awakening from his ebony wood and red velvet coffin. He opened the curtains and breathed in the warm Romanian night, relishing in the July air. He cackled menacingly as he leant out the window, and a wild grin spread across his features as his shoulders uncontrollably moved up and down.

But — there, right there! A glint of gold grated against the gaudiest glimpses he could muster. Dracula gasped and leaped out the window.

Strolling through the Transylvanian countryside was none other than Solomon Lear, Headmaster of Hogwarts. He skulked through the grass and the trees, seemingly searching for something, anything, that would make sense.

Dracula stopped, dropped and rolled, coming up to look Lear in the eyes. "HO HO HO. What have we here!? A man, in ARMOUR."

Lear stared at him.

"What are you doing here." Dracula growled.

"Wouldn't you like to know," Lear responded, attempting to push past Dracula.

The vampire hissed. "How DAAAARE you walk past me!?" he yelled. "I am the great COUNT DRACULA, and you will bow down!"

"I will NOT bow down," Lear protested. He stepped backwards only to point his wand at Drac. "CRUCIO!"

As the spell hit the vampire, he writhed in pain. "OH, THE PAIN, THE PAIN!" And then he stopped and glared at Lear. "I would say, if I were a little sissy mortal man." He grinned, fangs gleaming, and twirled in his cape. Lear's face was that of a man absolutely sick of this crap as the count burst into a cloud of bats. His trademark evil chuckle rang around the gothic stone halls as his incorporeal voice taunted the renown magizoologist.

"Is this why you put your house on Zillow? So you could torture potential buyers?" the wizard demanded, pointing his wand at the nearest bat. His little ears drooped.

"Aw. Is no fun when you figure it out so quickly."

Lear was not impressed.

Dracula formed back into the ghostly pale humanoid he had been upon meeting Lear. "You don't have to look so much like my dad, jeez. Can't a guy get a good spook every couple decades around here?"

Lear tapped his foot. "I want a house tour."

"It's not for sale."

"I'll sue you for false advertising."

Dracula sighed dramatically. "I mean, come ON, man. It's a gothic castle made for haunting. I don't see why you would want--"

"I want a house tour," Lear repeated, stalwart. Dracula rolled his red eyes, but lawyers were expensive these days -- Zillow was sure to help Lear if he did decide to take this to court, and there's just not that much money in vampirism these days.

"Fine!" Dracula relented. The candles in the hall flickered to light once more, and everything in the room seemed way less spooky now. It was just an old, kind of beat up castle -- surely, one of many just like it, scattered across Europe. He gestured for Solomon to follow, and he did.

Throughout the tour, Dracula did his best to spook Lear away once and for all, but nothing worked. Not the haunted armor sets that brandished their swords in an obvious threat, not the bathroom pipes spewing toxic gas, not the infestation of ghouls playing poker in the corners. Finally, the tour was done. Dracula was tired; Solomon, however, seemed happy.

"Well, I'll tell you what, Count," Lear said. "You knock a few thousand off the asking price, and I reckon we can come to an understanding."

"What? Really?" Dracula raised an eyebrow. He wanted to be suspicious, but even with a discount, selling this place would be a life saver. Maybe he could finally pay off all his student debt! His tone remained cautious, but now with a hint of optimism -- maybe hope, even, an emotion the Count hadn't allowed himself to feel in... centuries. "I mean, genuinely, what do you see in this place?"

"Believe me, it's perfect for what I have planned," Solomon said, nodding his head sagely. "I'm going to found a school here."

"What? A school?" Dracula was shocked. It seemed ridiculous -- a skull in his very own old castle? "But the renovations would cost hundreds of thousands! It's just not safe to bring a bunch of kids here! I mean, everywhere is like, three different fire hazards!"

"I know," said Lear. "That's why it's perfect."