Teardrops on my Broomstick closed

Olphie Bercegeay was experiencing the worst day of her life. Barnaby Ryker, her one true love, the reason she wanted to teach at Hogwarts, the man she has almost spoken too, was leaving the school. Why? What could possibly have resulted in Barnaby leaving his Ravens, those flying birds who needed him?

As she agonized over her love's imminent departure, the reality of the situation hit her like a rogue bludger. Everyone at Hogwarts was single, due to divorce, ugliness, or a coincidental tragedy of a dead partner. She had tried to break the status quo, but Barnaby had proven elusive and Caradoc wished to move far too slowly. But perhaps, Barnaby was elusive because he had been exchanging owls with someone outside of Hogwarts...

Thinking back to a song that had gotten her through many a heartbreak, Olphie began to sing a new and improved version to herself:

Barny looks near me,

I fake a smile so he won't see,

What I want, what I need,

And everything that we should be,

I'll bet she's beautiful,

That girl he's left us for,

And she's got everything that I've had to live without,

Barny talks not to me,

And I laugh 'cause he's just so funny,

That he won't let us be

Together in perfect harmony,

He must be so in love,

Left his job alright,

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night,

If only Barnaby had realized how perfect he and Olphie would have been together. Then, Hogwarts wouldn't be experiencing such a devastating tragedy!  She needed to try to intervene, she needed to stop this nonsense before he actually left. And since he was elusive, there was only one way she could do it. The Flying professor rushed from her office, continuing to internally sing:

He's the reason for the teardrops on my broomstick,

The only thing that keeps me believe in those love potions,

He's the song in Hogwarts I keep singing, don't know why I do

As she walked, Olphie thought about how, if only Barnaby had paid attention to her, she could have stopped this. She could have prevented the Ravenclaws from their suffering. Of course, she believed in love, but when that love took you away from your students...and your real true love? It was tragic.

Barny walks by me,

Can he tell that I can't breathe?

And there he goes so perfectly,

The kind of flawless I wish I could be,

She better hold him tight,

Give him all her love,

Look in those beautiful eyes,

And know she's lucky 'cause,

Her heels rapidly smacked the ground as she made her way up to the owlery, rushing as if she believed that she wrote the letter faster it would get Barnaby to undo his resignation. That...witch, who had seduce Barnaby so selfishly, had no idea what she was doing! She had half a mind to just address a Howler to her, but she didn't know what her address was...or her name...

He's the reason for the teardrops on my broomstick,

The only thing that keeps me believe in those love potions,

He's the song in Hogwarts I keep singing, don't know why I do

Finally, she had arrived in the poop-filled room that Olphie did not particularly like; she was already close to tears, and the stench of bird was close to putting her over the edge. How ironic that owls, within the same category of creature as Ravenclaw, could do this to her! It seemed that birds were just meant to give Olphie heartbreak. She pulled out parchment, still thinking about the song and what she'd do when this was all over...

So I'll walk home alone,

As I turn out the light,

I'll pull his picture down,

And maybe get some sleep tonight,

But what would she write? Her mind was racing, she couldn't formulate any words except for the lyrics to the most quintessential breakup of a non-partner song ever written. At the top of the parchment, she scrawled "Dearest Barnaby" and continued to think about the lyrics:

He's the reason for the teardrops on my broomstick,

The only one besides Cara who I want to break my heart,

He's the Hogwarts in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

He's the time taken up,

But soon there will be none,

And he's all the I need to fall into,

As Olphie sat there, lost for thoughts except for the dulcet tones of Taylor Swift, tears began to fall from her eyes. Why was this happening to her?! Why was her life over? She sat there, crying over her parchment, lost for all sense of words.

Barny looks at me,

I fake a smile so he won't see.