where is your will, friend? pv Finished

Interacting with @Gem Stuart
Mentioning no one
RPing as Catriona Staverly | text color #8e7cc3

Charms had always been one of Catriona's favorite classes. It was easy to forget things when you were hard at work trying to unlock a door or make a feather float. Today, however, they were going over wand movements rather than actual spells, which was nice, though mildly disappointing. She'd come into class so she wouldn't have to see Gem and be reminded of everything.

It had been harder than she'd anticipated at first. Pushing Gem out of her mind was difficult when it seemed he'd taken up permanent residence there. But she did it, eventually. She ducked out of hallways when she saw him and started going to class early to avoid seeing him. She'd even taken to doing her homework in various corridors so she wouldn't have to face him in the common room. And all because she figured he was better off without her. She'd seen how happy he was at the ball with James and Lark and Brielle. He was happy. All she could remember when she watched him dancing was that day in the library, the day that ruined everything. He was better off without her and he definitely didn't need her stupid crush messing things up.

All she wanted was to know him, really. Somehow, he knew almost everyone and yet he was a mystery. She thought she might have been the one to pull him down to Earth. Clearly she wasn't. He was better off without her acting like a tether.

Catriona frowned and then shook her head. No, better not to dwell on this. Her decision was made. She bent down over her desk, finishing up her assignment with just one inch extra. Just as she was about to put her quill back in her bag, something hit her ear. Looking up in annoyance, she turned around, fully prepared to glare at the idiot behind her.

And there he was, sitting there, suppressing a grin and pretending to write like nothing had happened.

Catriona wanted to scream.

"What do you want," she said, keeping her voice as calm as she could. She was gripping the back of her chair much harder than necessary, but it was better than snapping her wand in half.

@Catriona Staverly

Your attention, was the first remark that sprung into Gem's head. This hadn't been the first time he threw things at , but she seemed a lot less amused and playfully annoyed by it than usual. Though it was expected, it brought a type of pang into his chest that sunk into his stomach, a low, anxious feeling that crawled up his throat. When he felt like he was being rejected, he wanted to make them feel just as insignificant as they made him feel-- sort of like a, You Can't Fire Me, I Quit, type of thing. Sure.

"I don't know wot you're talkin' about," Gem huffed, shaking his head at her like she was stupid. He went on to tap dots into his paper, pretending to work on it to the very best of his ability. It worked, since he wasn't smiling anymore.

He waited a bit, until she turned back around again, and off he went, crumpling up a piece of paper. This time, he hit the back of her head, right where her braids split down the middle. He was a lot better at acting now, the way he hurriedly looked down and didn't smile. He had a plan this time, if she intended to turn around. She'd either be a right wanker and tell on him, or she'd stare at him. Either one would do, personally.

Interacting with @Gem Stuart
Mentioning no one
RPing as Catriona Staverly | text color #8e7cc3

He almost looked pleased when she turned around. Any good will that he'd previously felt seemed to leave his face after Catriona spoke, however. She ground her teeth together, but figured getting mad about it wouldn't be worth it. So, she turned back around and settled for doodling spiraling vines across one of her spare sheets of parchment. It was easier to calm down when you could take your anger out on something else, she figured, slashing her quill across the parchment in dark, bleeding lines. The ink was staring to drip, spreading over onto her fingertips. She ignored it.

She was just starting to add thorns when she felt another ball hit the back of her head. Her hand stopped, quill just fractions away from the parchment. She paused for a moment, trying to weigh her options. She could turn around and tell him off, and oh how satisfying that would be. Maybe then he'd stop pestering her and go hang out with his real friends. People who didn't hurt him. For now, she was stuck in limbo. Between being his friend or being a stranger. Between turning around or doing nothing.

Merlin, this was so terrible. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Wasn't everything else enough to hurt her? Why this too? Did he really hate her that much? He didn't even give her a chance to know him and here he was, pushing her away and away and away.

And oh, Catriona hated him for it. Every moment watching him and Brielle at the ball felt like him mocking her. And there she was, pathetic as always, pining in the corner, tossed aside. Pathetic was a good word to describe all of it, really. He never cared enough to notice and she cared too much not to. Pathetic.

The quill in her fist snapped in half and her decision was made.

She turned in her chair, and looked at Gem. Just looked at him, for as long as she could manage without spontaneously combusting. "Stop it." She wished she'd left it like that. But no, Catriona couldn't have. No, she had to add a pitiful little "please" to the end. At least her voice hadn't shaken. At least her voice stayed steady. At least she didn't sound like more of an idiot pushover than she felt like she did. No, her voice came out firm and polite, which was perhaps worse. Better to be pitiful than cold.

@Catriona Staverly

She'd actually done it, looked at him again. He half-expected her to stiffen in her seat, and then pretend like she didn't notice it for a second. But no, she'd made the effort to turn in her seat and stare him down like a goddamn hawk. He almost grinned when she'd said please, but he forced it down a quickly as the urge came. That was such a... such a Jeff Stuart thing to do, grin at someone else's expense.

"Cat," He whispered, his fingers gripping the edge of his desk. "meet me after class, right? Right, okay. Cool." He looked back down at his paper, abruptly standing up to set it on Professor Vernatis' desk, settling himself back down in his seat cozily.

And so class was dismissed, and Gem waited right by the door. He'd leaned back, both arms crossed tightly over his chest nervously. It was such a shitty feeling, watching someone who was closer than blood churn in anger over you simply existing. He remembered what his boyfriend had said, something about how girls were like a separate species from boys. She'd been so moody lately, giving him the side-eye like that, or glaring, or whatever. He was so over girls, but he wasn't over Catriona, which was why he was waiting for her. Here. He'd always wait for her like this. He wasn't sure if that made him earnest, or if it made him weak.

Interacting with @Gem Stuart
Mentioning no one
RPing as Catriona Staverly | text color #8e7cc3

Catriona would not punch him. She would not. Even if the way his lips almost twitched into a grin when she turned around made her want to. Even if it felt like he was just mocking her, over and over and over. Even if—

No. Catriona could wait to think about all of this until after class. She got up and crossed the room to set her completed assignment on Professor Vernatis' desk before crossing back to her's. She reached into her bag for another quill and began to add to the mess of plant life drawn onto the parchment. It looked more like a bunch of scribbles, but Catriona wanted to at least pretend she was doing something productive. Otherwise she just felt pathetic useless.

When class was (finally) over, she walked over to the door, slinging her bag across her shoulder before she went. She hadn't even paused to consider why she was meeting Gem, considering she was angry at him, but whatever. There wasn't much she wouldn't do for Gem, even now. She wasn't going to pretend otherwise. But that didn't mean she wasn't still angry.

He was leaning against the doorframe when she reached him. Somehow, he managed to look relaxed and tightly wound at the same time. She didn't know why and she figured she'd never know. Not if this conversation went the way she figured it would.

Will had said something once, about how the cruelest people were usually the most relaxed. would never have called Gem cruel before the ball. Mean on occasion, generally with reason, maybe, but not cruel. Now, though, after seeing the way he nearly smiled at her before, watching the almost vicious curl of his lips, she wondered.

She almost smiled at him, on reflex. She'd gotten so used to it that it felt almost involuntary. But when she thought about it, she started to wonder. They'd become friends so fast and suddenly, Catriona felt like Gem was a part of her. He didn't. He had James for that. He had Brielle too. And Lark, and Charlotte, and all of their other friends. They were all his first. Maybe that's why she meant so little to him.

In any case, it didn't matter now. Catriona gave Gem a polite nod and a quick smile. "Do you need something?" she said, because really, why else would he have asked to meet her?

@Catriona Staverly

It was like they were strangers. Or worse, coworkers meeting up to discuss some lousy paperwork that their boss had assigned to the both of them, like a forced project. Her little tight-lipped smile, the way her eyes got all cold and her voice raised an octave. That wasn't real, that was fake, fake enough for Gem to want to grab her and punt her. Or slap her, right across the face. That stupid, snarky, rich-girl, polite-my-ass kind of shite, the type that brought the ugly out of him.

"I need ya ta tell me why yer bein' such a slag, that's wot," he said, staring at her right in the eyes. As hard as he looked, if you could read him well enough, you could see the hurt in his eyes. But even then, his heart didn't burn with remorse, or guilt, it was a charcoal of rejection from everyone he'd ever come to love. He never thought Catriona would be a contributor to that rejection, he always thought she'd be on his side, supporting him unless he was doing wrong - but what was he doing wrong? He couldn't see it? He'd always been so self-aware, and she was making him doubt the one thing he was good at; picking on himself for everything.

"Always ignorin' me, avoidin' me, ya think I don't see that or sumfin? I thought we were bezzies, yer like blood, always... will be, but..." He furrowed his eyebrows, oping his emotions wouldn't seep too deep. He told himself he wouldn't cry, and he'd keep to that the very best he could. Except, if he didn't cry, he'd have to act like his dad-- not even on purpose, and that was the worst part.

Interacting with @Gem Stuart
Mentioning no one
RPing as Catriona Staverly | text color #8e7cc3

Gem was looking at her, his eyes hard and flinty. Just for one moment, Catriona could have sworn she saw hurt there, buried deep under layers of anger. And that just wasn't fair. How was she supposed to be angry when he looked at her like that?

And then she remembered the ball and her eyes narrowed. What did Gem care? He clearly didn't care enough about her to let her in. If he didn't care enough about her to tell her about Brielle then what else wasn't he telling her? Were they ever even friends? Maybe they moved too fast to truly get to know each other, pretending they were best friends because they had no other options. Or at least, she didn't have any other options. Gem did... Is that what he was doing? Holding her at arms length because she wasn't good enough for him? He told James these things, but not her. Why was she different?

She took a breath, composing herself before she started. If Gem was going to hate her, she at least wanted to explain herself before. "You never told me anything." It was a complete non sequitur, but Catriona couldn't bring herself to care. "It's like... you always put this wall up. I don't— I'm not explaining this well." She was gripping the strap on her bag so hard it was digging into the flesh of her palm. "Were you just friends with me for the sake of having a friend?" She could feel herself getting angrier, heat spreading from the pit of her stomach up to her neck, collecting there in a red splotch. "I was avoiding you because you seemed better without me, honestly. Figured it would be the best course of action after you managed to say, what, two words to me at the ball? Whatever, it doesn't matter now. You're better off without me acting like a protective shit all the time."

@Catriona Staverly

Gem swore to god that had to have been the first time he'd heard Catriona properly cuss. It had also been the first time she'd really snapped at him in any way outside a joke, which... while sometimes scary, was humorous. He hadn't expected it even a little, so his head jutted back and his eyes got all big, wide, and he seemed visibly uncomfortable. How was he supposed to respond to that without acting all high and mighty? He didn't want to be the mature one, she'd just gone off on him for being too closed off.

"Why would I be friends wiv you for the sake ov havin' a friend, huh?" Was the first thing he sputtered, his arms tightening around his torso. "What's it wiv girls and making assumptions? Brielle always assumed shite, an' now, you. I never thought you, of all people, would be makin' those assumptions about me."

He almost couldn't believe it, how she seemed like she'd been the wounded one here. He hadn't told her anything? He told her whatever came to his mind at the time, that's what! She wasn't his therapist, she wasn't his diary, she was his friend. That was all, he never liked to use people as his own goddam personal journal of Daily Happenings. All of that had been rushing to his head at once, so quickly that he wasn't able to strangle it out of his throat.

"Who cares about e' ball? Christ, you went off n' did yer own thing, I thought I shouldn't bother you- Merlin almighty," He brought an arm up, rubbing his temple with the heel of his hand. "Have you got to be so difficult about a small thin'? Couldn't you have joost told me this was botherin' you, instead of actin' like a damn priss?" He was a bit shocked at himself, just like he had been at the library with his ex. I mean, he was a lot nastier, but... he felt hurt, now, more hurt than angry- and when he was hurt, he jumped to using insults. Not necessarily the best course of action, but he felt it was okay to regret it sometime later.

Interacting with @Gem Stuart
Mentioning no one
RPing as Catriona Staverly | text color #8e7cc3

Couldn't she have told him, he asked her, but it was never that easy was it? It wasn't as easy as he made it out to be. After being ignored for a while, you got used to not taking up any space. You got used to making do with the cards you were dealt. You got used to being brushed aside and you got used to watching your plants wilt in the garden on your own because no one really cared enough to help you plant them. You figure out how to hide things in your letters to your siblings. You start to realize how small you really are.

Catriona can pinpoint the moment she figured this out. She'd been watching the stars, just staring up into the great, big, wide universe and she realized. It didn't matter what she felt or thought or said because someday it would all be swallowed up into a great black ball of nothing and suddenly everything would be nothing. One small part in the endless machine.

But if nothing mattered so much, why did she feel so bad? Catriona could feel regret clawing its way up her throat. It tasted like tears. She wished none of this had happened. She wished she'd never met Gem. And for the first time, she found herself wishing she was at home (back in that cold, empty house, because even that was better than this).

So she pushed it down and covered it up (because that was the only way she'd ever known) and forced her balled up fists to relax.

"I care about the ball," she said, hating how tight her voice was. "You—" It was too much. She was cracking. "You don't know—"

Fuck it.

"It's not that easy for me and it's never been easy for me! I thought maybe you would understand that, but really, who was I kidding. You don't know anything Gem Stuart. And the awful thing is—" She cut herself off, pressing a hand over her mouth. "I thought you knew me."

After what seemed like hours, she shook her head. "It doesn't matter in the long run, does it? Who's right and who's wrong, I mean. We were doomed the moment you followed me into that library. It's not your fault. It would make things easier if it was, but if it's anyone's it's probably mine. I made a big deal out of it. I'm sorry. You can yell at me if you want, I don't mind. Hate me too."