Panic Room PV Koko Riddle

@Saskia Nicholson

Koko was a coward. It was a difficult thing for her even to think, and it was in that that her lack of courage resided. She hadn't been to the Girls' Lavatory in a very long time - she only went there when she felt as if she would cry - but she felt the world weighing on her as she strode the corridors and thought that perhaps it might be a good day to pay a visit.

If Koko had not taken on any responsibilities before the year had started, she might have been grinning and getting into trouble at this very moment, though that was not likely with the cowardice that flew through her veins. It was almost like adrenaline or sugar. It was a feeling that dragged the young Slytherin down. It was fear that caused this cowardice, and it was perhaps that she was scared of fear that made this happen. Nevertheless, Koko never appeared to be plagued by her worries, and so none would notice.

At least not if they didn't see her sobbing in the Girls' Lavatory.

Koko used to cry in here every day, but then she learned that anyone could walk in. Her next option had been the Abandoned Toilets, but Mari Haynes - Bloodbath - owned that realm and there would be no getting in, not without a price. So Koko would avoid that. She needed to find somewhere, a place where she could strike the wall with a spell or something, just to take out all her pent-up feelings in one hit.

She finally arrived at the door to the Girls' Lavatory, and a breath that the young Slytherin had not been aware she was holding rushed out of her lungs. She felt at home already. With eyes filled with tears at the tasks she had chosen to help with, Koko pushed open the door with a mighty shove, sure that no one else would be there.

She was entirely incorrect. In fact, the person standing inside this room was a Hufflepuff, one of the most terrifying beings known. "What are you doing here, loser?" Koko fulminated angrily, her voice sharp enough to slice an obsidian wall in half. The anger that she suddenly felt was more than showing - her eyes were filled with it, and her lips were curled back in a snarl. Her pale golden hair, usually combed just the way she wanted it, was messy in a slightly pretty way, but still messy all the same. Her cheeks were red, either from the long trek from the Slytherin Dungeons or the sudden adrenaline rushing through her veins. The previously felt cowardice shrank to the back of her mind. This was the worst person to come across when she felt like this. Saskia Nicholson, someone who Koko at the moment considered an enemy.

Really, anyone would be able to tell that Koko was distressed. Her close friends would be able to tell more, but she barely had any friends, let alone close ones. An enemy, however, might have been able to notice the demented look on her face, her darker eyes, or her overall dishevelled-ness. It would be obvious that the Slytherin who would once not have had the nerve to call the Quidditch Captain a loser was now very pissed off, and there was nothing she could do about it.

However, as Koko scanned the other girl's outer appearance, she took note of the empty-looking expression on her face, the gauntness in her eyes. Perhaps neither of them were all right. It was not Koko's place to ask, so she would not. She instead turned, squeezing her eyes shut, and strode straight towards one of the stalls, the heels of her boots clicking against the tile on the floor. It was dark in here, just what the girl wanted. Still, she wanted to be alone, and it was quite unlikely that she would be granted that wish.

A sob escaped her lips and - for the first time in a very long time - Koko felt a tear escape her eye. No. Not here. Of course, her idiot self would not listen to the good side of her brain. Koko looked up for a fraction of a second to check that the door to the stall had been closed and locked - it had been - and then, burying her face in her hands, she began to sob in earnest.

@Koko Riddle

No. What was she doing? This wasn't like her. This wasn't like her at all. For all her talk about standing strong and keeping her head up, she certainly wasn't doing any of those right now. Ironically, she was actually looking down at a dirty sink that probably hasn't been thoroughly washed in a while. Right now, she was acting weak. A real captain wouldn't be here, standing frozen in the lavatory, of all places. They would have been out in the field, doing something that was actually useful. They wouldn't be moping around with stupid problems like these at all. Surely they should have been stronger than that.

She needed to get out. She needed to snap out of this. She needed to get her head out of the clouds. And do what, exactly? For these past few days, she had been devoting her time to Quidditch and closely training with her peers. It was a thrilling experience, being up in the skies, and having a taste of what a real game might have been like. But even now, it was growing stale. Perhaps she needed a break from it. After all, she had been spending almost all of her time practicing. It was something she hated to admit. She didn't need breaks. Breaks were for people who weren't strong enough to continue. But she had her limits. She needed to focus on other things too.

But she remained where she was. She continued to listlessly stare at the sink, barely moving from her spot. What else was there she could do? Her mind was unraveling. Her thoughts were spreading like wildfire, and yet they weighed her down like boulders. What was going on? Why was this happening? It was so much easier to brush these thoughts away in her everyday life. How was it that at this moment, she couldn't fend off her own invading thoughts? Was it the silence of this room that welcomed the cacophony brewing in her mind? It might as well have been. There was nothing else to remark on. The lavatory was as plain as it could be. She could stare at the smudged writings on the walls and the mirrors, but at the end of the day, they were meaningless. They meant nothing, and they were only there for the short-lived amusement of other people. They were inconsequential. Only her thoughts would continue to wander. Her flimsy, little thoughts that still held her down. Pathetic.

She barely registered a voice from the other side of the door. It wasn't a voice she was fully accustomed to, but she could recognize it from anywhere. Of course she could. How could she forget that harpy-sounding screech? But it wasn't just her voice that caught her attention. It was what she said.

A loser. That was what she was. A miserable loser, hiding away in the lavatory. Isn't that what everyone saw her as anyway? Captain or not, it was all the same. Perhaps there were more people who looked up to her with respect, but for some reason, she could still feel the contempt in their eyes. At the end of the day, she was a Hufflepuff. Who was to say that she could even lead their team to victory? It was unfair. Of course people would think the daring Gryffindors, the smart Ravenclaws, and the cunning Slytherins would stand a better chance against the cuddly, gentle Hufflepuffs who wouldn't hurt a fly. There were definitely some players on the Hufflepuff team who would have been a force to be reckoned with. It was their fault for not recognizing that. But they wouldn't even try to recognize it in the first place, wouldn't they? They would simply be left in their own ignorance, feeding in the stereotypes. Some things would just never change.

This wasn't the first time she had been insulted, of course. She had heard much worse than that. Even now, she didn't seem to have the same respect a captain should have had. Some of the more mean-spirited students thought it was a great idea to taunt the second year. Some would say a tiny girl like her shouldn't have been in charge of a team to begin with. Some even went as far as to bad-mouth the rest of her team and say they'd never be able to win a single game. The list went on, and at every occasion, the temptation to punch them was strong. But she knew the consequences of (physically) attacking them. Even if she didn't somehow land a detention, it would have only proven that she didn't have what it took to be a captain. She had to keep things professional. She couldn't let her emotions slip or make any rash decisions. Her actions would define her more than ever. Still, it didn't stop the girl from yelling at these meatheads a few times to get them to leave her alone. It mostly worked, but there were some people who never gave up. But she supposed she couldn't help that.

As she continued to process what happened, Saskia realized just how exhausted she was. Even if she wasn't allowed to tackle the girl and teach her a lesson, she could have at least came up with a decent retort to leave her alone. Who was she to invade her privacy like that anyway? Why was it her business to know what she was doing when it was none of her business to begin with? Nothing was stopping her from belting out her frustrations at her. She deserved it for being rude anyway. But any rage she felt just... Vanished. It was still there- obviously the words were insulting, but there was something that made it harder to act on any kind of anger. Any hurtful things she could have thought to say were left on the tip of her tongue. What was wrong with her? She had the right to stand up for herself. This girl deserved to be knocked down a peg or two. Was she just not strong enough? Did she become so pathetic that she couldn't even fight back?

No. She had to say something. Even if the words remained lodged in her throat, she needed to say something. "I don't exactly know what I did to offend you. But whatever it was, I'm sorry," she simply stated, her voice as blank as the expression on her face. She was apologizing. That was a good thing to do, right? It hurt her pride to apologize, and she felt some kind of annoyance brewing in her, but she needed to get that out of the way. Maybe she really was a Hufflepuff. Well, if only the apology seemed more genuine and less like she was reading a History textbook. But it was the thought that counted. Probably. "As for what I'm doing here," Saskia paused. How could she tell the other girl what she was doing? She certainly wasn't going to tell her about how she was brooding in the lavatory all by herself, and she was definitely not going to mention her own problems. "I'm spending some time by myself, if that's what you really want to know. But I doubt you would even care about that anyway." There. That seemed to be a reasonable response.

"And for the record, I don't appreciate being called a loser, so if you wouldn't mind, I-" She cut herself off once she heard a sound of a door close. Did she not want to hear her talk? Perhaps she didn't. She hated her, for whatever reason. Even the question she asked was likely a rhetorical one. What was important for her was that she intimidated the girl by calling her a loser. That, combined with the question was only meant to hammer the point that she didn't matter. What was she doing here? What was an insignificant, little girl like her doing here, in this place? To her, she didn't deserve to be here, in her presence. It was yet another way for someone to step on her, like the damn pushover she was supposed to be. Even thinking about it might have re-ignited that rage inside her. Maybe she could bring herself to care. To truly hurt her like she meant it, and unleash these negative thoughts on her. It was like giving her a taste of her own medicine, except in a more extreme way. That would have been cathartic.

But then she heard it. It was faint, but she heard sobbing. Any remaining anger she felt drained away as it continued. Crap. Was she supposed to feel bad for the person who just called her a loser a few seconds ago? It was odd. She should have felt some kind of sympathy for her. And she did feel something stir in her heart. But was it sympathy? The girl hadn't felt that in a while. Sympathy was for the weak. It was for those whose hearts haven't hardened yet, and Saskia knew for a fact her heart had already turned into stone. It was something she had been fond of hiding with her normally cheerful behaviour, but it was becoming more and more difficult to hide it. But in times like these, she wondered if her heart had really hardened. Was it ever possible for a heart to completely turn into stone? It was human nature to care, after all.

Saskia had a choice. She could ask the girl if she was okay. Anyone would have done it. She was crying, for Merlin's sake. Who wouldn't be concerned over that, even at the very slightest? But right from the start, she knew it was a bad choice. There was a reason the door was closed, and perhaps locked, judging by the clicking sound she heard earlier. She didn't want to be pitied. She didn't want sympathy at all. And for once, Saskia could relate to her. Pity only made people more inferior than they should have been. It was someone's way of saying that they were better than them because they weren't suffering. And she hated it. This was why it was so much easier to hide behind this mask of happiness. If people saw her being sad, they would know when she was vulnerable. They would know what her weak spots were, and they could potentially use it against her.

With that decided, the girl let out a quiet, shaky sigh, looking up at the mirror in front of her. No, she didn't want to look at herself. She already knew how much of a mess she might have looked like, with her disheveled hair and haggard eyes. She needed another distraction. She couldn't leave now- it was too awkward to leave right after someone came in. The mirror would have to do for now.

Why was she crying? Big girls didn't cry. It was out of the ordinary. To make matters worse, Koko began to come to terms with the situation she had gotten herself into - she was crying in front of someone. She couldn't do this anymore. Placing a hand over her mouth and nose to muffle her uneven breaths, the girl leaned against the rickety wood of the stall, trying to steady her breathing. She was just feeling emotionally impulsive, that was all. She wasn't really bothered, was she? Stupid. Reckless.

She had authority now. She had to put on a mean face, pretend that she wasn't bothered by anything. Maybe some day she'd grow up and nothing would bother her. Maybe some day she'd grow up and no longer be scared of the world. The world wouldn't be able to hurt her if she managed to throw up a shield - but was it worth it? Was it worth putting everything else behind her and hiding behind a guise of ice? No. Nothing was worth getting rid of the comforting warmth that she possessed. Absolutely nothing was worth stepping out of the sunlight.

Koko's breath hitched when a voice sounded, resonating around the room. It was a voice she didn't want to hear, a voice that was easily recognisable. Offend? She puzzled over it for a moment, her breathing becoming more rhythmic as she shakily brought in air. Moved her hand from where it covered her mouth. Loser. Right. That was what she had done. She had worked up the nerve to call someone she recognised as better than her a loser. What the hell. Koko couldn't work up the satisfaction that she had wanted to feel. It just wouldn't surface. But she wasn't sorry about what she had said. She just wasn't happy that she had said it, either.

Koko hummed in response, huffing and crossing her arms over her chest. Like she cared. She shouldn't have cared. Her breathing was now even. Her cheeks were barely even damp anymore. "Loser was incorrect." Her voice was quiet. Her hands were cold. "You've obviously won before." Her tone was bitter. Her eyes were closed.

Koko stayed in the stall, confused. Her pale hands were running up and down her arms now, trying to stay warm. Why was she cold? The castle usually felt very warm. Why not now? Why did she care? She was never bothered by the cold. But now she was. "I sure hope I didn't interrupt anything," the girl said dryly, her voice dripping with a mix of sarcasm and patronising. "Would have been completely far from my intentions." Koko exited the stall, forcing a smirk onto her small lips. Now was not the time to let her emotions get the best of her. "Miss Nicholson, correct?" Not that she cared about the girl's name. She just wanted to make sure of her identity. Her face was flushed - she could feel it more than she could see it in the mirror - and her green sleeves were wrinkled. Her arms had gone back to wrapping around herself, holding herself together. Koko steeled her gaze and lifted her head, braving a smile. "It's absolutely lovely to see you on this fine day." More sarcasm. But couldn't the alleged Miss Nicholson deal?

'Loser was incorrect.'

That was hilarious. The girl, Koko if she could remember correctly, suddenly decided that she wasn't a loser. What is it, then? Was she a loser or was she not? What else was she, then? A mere nobody meant to be kicked around by everyone else? Why was it that every time she tried to prove herself, everyone always seemed to doubt her? No matter what she did, even if she had to bury herself in her work, even if she bled and bled until she was finally satisfied with what she had, there was always that doubt in her head. It wasn't enough. It was never enough. When will it ever be enough?

'You've obviously won before.'

Oh. That was it. It all clicked in the girl's mind, the cogs spinning around until it came to a stop. Their duel last year. That was what effectively erased her title as a loser in the other girl's eyes. She could still remember their duel like it was yesterday. It was embarrassing to remember, to say the least. The Hufflepuff had lost her temper at the girl one too many times, and that wasn't mentioning the cold she had to suffer from the entire duel and how she had to get sent to the Hospital Wing for fainting. But it all paid off, because the girl had won. It was her first duel, and she had barely managed to win. It was a victorious moment for the girl at that time. She managed to show the snobby Slytherin she wasn't someone to be messed with. It was perfect. But now that the other girl was here again, she didn't feel anything. There was no sense of triumph in seeing the girl she had bested at duelling. That moment had passed, and even now, she couldn't feel the need to acknowledge the moment any further.

Then Koko finally left her stall, the sound of heels clicking along the floor tiles as she strode out. Saskia had forced herself to turn her head towards the girl, an expressionless frown present on her face as she noticed the smirk on her face. That should have made her frustrated. Looking at people smirk like they owned the world was always something that made her angry. Who did they think they were, thinking that they were better than everyone else? What made them think they could step on other people, as if they didn't matter? As if they were mere ants? It was unbelievable, knowing that she had to deal with these kinds of people in her life. But it was an unfortunate truth she had to face. She just couldn't avoid it.

Ha. Interrupting. It was ironic. Maybe she needed an interruption. She wanted anything if it meant she could stop feeling so damn helpless and numb. Maybe it was better if she actually pissed her off. At least she could have an excuse to yell at someone and let all these emotions inside her out without a care in the world. She would have welcomed even one little comment to set her off. But she knew that wouldn't have happened easily. Would she even care what the Slytherin had to say? Her tone was so irritatingly sarcastic, not to mention condescending as hell, but that didn't bother her. It was annoying, yes, but it did nothing to ignite any spark of rage in her. She clearly needed to try harder.

And now she addressed her by her last name. Miss Nicholson. Well, at least she was professional. Although it was a given considering Koko was a Prefect. Saskia herself would have found it awkward if she had to call everyone purely by their last name. Besides, she didn't have any excuse to call people by their last name, considering she was only a Quidditch Captain. If anything, she was more likely to call her own teammates by their last name, but it was merely out of formalities. Even outside of Quidditch, she would have been able to call her teammates by their first names.

Koko smiled at her, saying 'it was absolutely lovely to see her on this fine day'. On some days, Saskia wouldn't have had the patience to deal with this. Why was it so hard to get to the point? Wasn't it easier to say that she hated her and that she didn't want to see her? No, she supposed not. Words were important. They had impact. Tossing words around was like creating a haphazard explosion. It only led to destruction. She knew that.

The Hufflepuff smiled back at Koko. But it wasn't the kind of smile she gave to her friends. Or even strangers she passed by in the hallways. It didn't reach her eyes at all. There was no warmth or fire in them. No indication that any of her comments were getting through her. It was cold. It was unlike her. But it didn't matter. "Yes, it's wonderful to see you again, Miss Riddle." Even her words were cold. "How are you on this pleasant afternoon?" How long could they keep this social charade for? She was willing to try and find out, at least for the sake of entertainment, however small it was.