MUGGLES: A PLAGUE ON THIS EARTH

Nestled deep within the Hogwarts library, underneath an impressive amount of dust, was a handmade leather-bound book. In terms of both craftsmanship and writing, the book was amateurish and poorly made. Despite only being a few years old, the book was already starting to come apart, which may very well be for the best. Boldly titled in big, underlined lettering, this book was written by an anonymous conspiracy theorist under the pen-name 'Alias Falsus'. On the back cover, it proudly boasted selling over one million copies in total, despite this very copy being the only known printing in existence.

Before we begin, I would like to devote this book to my wife, Cheryl. SHE LEFT ME.

MUGGLES. What are they, really? ‘People’ who cannot use magic? They live blissfully unaware of our existence, thanks to our ceaseless efforts to disguise ourselves from them. Or do they? My fellow witches and wizards, look around you and OPEN YOUR EYES! You need only look at the owls that deliver our written correspondence. Intelligent, noble, beautiful, and ENTIRELY FAKE. Yes, you read that correctly. In the year 1987, the muggle politician Ronald Reagan replaced all birds with electronic drones, including the very ones we use in our daily lives! Look at your majestic pet owl and think to yourself; is there really any intelligence behind those cold, dead eyes? Or is that simply muggle technology staring back at you, silently collecting information? Waiting for the right moment to strike?!

Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. The muggles moderate our food as well. Nothing is safe. Next time you find yourself sitting down for tea, put it up to your ear and listen closely. You’ll be able to hear the faint ringing of muggle electricity. My doctor told me that what I was hearing was something called ‘tinnitus’, but I know that isn’t true. She’s just another servant to the muggle hierarchy that works to keep us under their thumbs every single day.

What about the so-called ‘muggle-born’ wizards and witches? Well, I have a theory about that, too. You see, the muggles have found a way to artificially create their own ‘magic’ by using telephone poles and wire coat hangers to channel electricity directly into their bodies. These faux wizards and witches are then sent into our society as spies for the muggle government.

The question is, why? Well, I’ll tell you why, dear reader. They’re trying to destroy us from the inside out. First they’ll steal all of our chocolate frogs, then -

The remainder of the book is water-damaged to the point of ineligibility.