The Candyman Can
Debbie was hard at work when he woke up to smell something that had the scent of something being burnt, slightly anyways, and with Debbie not in the bed as Elmo looked in her theoretical direction of where she slept, Elmo got up and changed his pajamas to his candy striper uniform.
He had several different striped outfits, more in the style of nurse scrubs but alas, they worked for him and were comfortable even if the colors were simply just orange opulence, tighty whities white, and mild melon.
He walked out as he tussled with his hair a bit, trying to keep it as neat looking as he could without needing to grab the brush or comb.
He sat at the table watching her in the kitchen as she stirred a pot of caramel. He slouched a bit, and had a half smile with an unopened bottle next to him. As Elmo would remove the cap, he would comment on Debbie's cooking. Normally she was a great cooker but this morning.. well.. it wasn't perfect.
"Don't burn it." She dropped the spoon used for stirring the caramel on the counter. The clinking bothered Elmo as his ears twitched from the noise. "Elmo. Clock it before I pour this over your head and kick you out of this house."
He took a swig then just put the bottle down recapping it. "You making the lobster fudge again?" He asked as seriously as he could because apparently a joke wasn't a joke.
"Lobster fudge sells." She said dismissively, turning her attention away from the caramel to walk towards the fridge and grab out a tupperware box full of lobster fudge squares. "Here. Your other crap is in the basket in the living room as well, the candy from the wizarding world and the normal candy from the muggle world. No blueberry soda today. Nothing else. Just sell this crap, please. And just stop scaring people. It's not funny when I have to take a loan out from the bank just because you're not acting as maturely as you can."
Elmo didn't say anything, taking the lobster fudge and walked towards the living room to get the basket. His father didn't pay off the house? He thought he did? Whatever. Maybe the American way of bills is to still charge you even after things are allegedly paid off.
Without giving his wife a kiss goodbye, he used the floo powder. He was going to MACUSA today for business.
---
As the green flames swallowed him whole, he appeared in an atrium-looking place and he felt that it looked way too clean. It was way too sterile too. Elmo looked down at his outfit and brushed off the soot, noticing that the orange and white of his outfit was clashing against the sterile gold that decorated the walls as a trim.
He looked at the witch at a desk and walked up to her. Whatever her job was, Elmo didn't care. "Name?"
"Elmo. I'm The Candyman!" He announced with a sticky grin and a facial expression that kind of looked a bit like he was imitating Jim Carrey.
"I don't care." She said gravely, writing his name down.
He walked on, scoffing at her rudeness. He might as well be the President of the United States and walk through here and still be treated like a peasant! How [redacted] rude! Yet.. Elmo would treat people worse if he had her job.
He took one of the many lobster fudge squares inside the tupperware container and popped one in his mouth. Personally, he liked it. His wife really wasn't a bad cook. It was a little salty, chewy yet thick. His favorite.
He wandered around, looking at who seemed to be the most likely to dump money on his sweets. He needed the money. He kept wandering deeper and deeper and as he walked, the fudge stuck between his teeth, and he obnoxiously, intentionally, smacked his lips, tongue and jaws together like he wanted the entire place to hear the grinding of his molars.
Every person there was walking fast. Some may have had a meeting to get to. Oh well. He adjusted his basket's positioning to try and be as comfortable as he can as he found his first victim. A man in a navy robe with hair that was slicked back. Elmo made a beeline towards him and stepped right in his path. "Hey bossman. You look like you got a sweet tooth."
The man only blinked as he tried to walk around with Elmo constantly obscuring his every possible attempt to pass. "Excuse me, I'm late for a.." Elmo interrupted. He shoved a square of lobster fudge into his hands before he was able to finish his sentence. "On the house, the first one is always free. That's how addiction works dude."
The man turned the fudge in his hand towards his sight and looked at Elmo with confusion. "What is this?"
"Lobster fudge!" Elmo proclaimed loudly. "It was made fresh with real Maine lobster, real Maine sugar and..." He didn't finish. The man tried to hand it back and Elmo did not take it. "You don't want it?" He dropped his voice as if he were offended.
"Debbie worked hard on that! My wife is not something you toss in the trash! She threatened to dump the caramel she was working with this morning on my head if I didn't make a sale. Do you dare to insult her cooking?" Elmo watched the man's face turn white. "N-no I just-" And the ever so lovely red muppet interrupted again. "Good. Eat it later when you're alone, when you feel brave." He leaned in to whisper. "It's not my fault if you're refusing to buy sweets from me because you have a habit of wetting yourself." He returned his to his pose and just gave a smirk that said 'That's right. I know your secret.'
The man popped the fudge in his mouth and grabbed out a few galleons, handing it to Elmo. "Just give me whatever the galleons cover." The navy dressed man mumbled. Elmo obliged, handing him a canary creme looking candy filled with laxative and coated with sprinklings of ground U-No-Poo for a fun experience. "It may not be the lobster fudge but.. have a special product exclusive to the Break family. It's called the Broken System."
It was a stupid name and pretty much just thought up of when Elmo was just trying to figure out new products to sell in the midst of drinking before he crashed.
"You kids like candy?" He said, walking towards what looked like a bunch of teenaged interns or whatever. They huddled near a staircase and Elmo felt like he was drifting towards them like a shark to blood.
One boy clutched his parchment tight, another seemed to be wondering if she could escape Elmo, but another just stared at him blankly. Elmo liked the look of their fear. Their hesitation. Their doubt. Fear made people honest. "Well? You like candy or not? I ain't got all day. I got a wife, quotas and apparently mortgage."
One of the interns, the one that stared at him blankly finally spoke. "What kind?"
Elmo's grin grew wide but syrupy and slow, like it was wrong. "It's the kind that makes your teeth feel like they are crawling."
He tilted the basket towards them so they could see what was inside. Some looked questionable, others were wrapped neatly while some were just gross to look at. The boy clutching the parchment hesitated but was the first to reach in. He plucked out the same item he gave to the man just moments before. "It looks good.. what is it?" He asked as Elmo watched him twist it around his eyeline. "Oh, just a sea salt caramel creme dollop. Don't bite into it yet. I have to charge you. What about you two?" He gestured towards the others.
"Go on..." Elmo coaxed with his voice dropping to a whisper that he felt was ominous enough. "Pick your poison." Elmo snarled. The very same intern that stared at him blankly only looked back at him instead of reaching into the basket. "We're not allowed to-" Elmo stopped her by talking over her. "Allowed?" Elmo barked harshly. "Kid, you work in a government building, no one follows rules. Just don't be stupid and give me my damn money and have something for your damned rotten sweet teeth that you act like you lack."
Both of the other two interns- the two girls- reached in and grabbed something. One got the Bean Boozled for the muggles, the other got a chocolate covered dried cricket. "Great, now that you all touched the candy, you may have it, but you cannot return it, I demand 30 galleons in exchange."
Their jaws dropped. "THIRTY?"
"Most of it is because you made me stand here and talk to you all while you look like and smell like you haven't showered in days." He held out his free hand and gestured for the money.
They huffed and pooled their remaining galleons together and threw it on the ground as they stormed off, leaving Elmo to pick up the money.
"Ahhhh, the sweet smell of the stench leaving the room." He sighed as it was beginning to smell more like a hospital wing rather than a gym locker room.
Elmo looked around. He walked towards another hallway and looked at the wall full of former MACUSA presidents. He looked up at them cheerfully and waved. "Hello, losers. Got your pants in a twist?" He sneered, watching a pretty woman walk past him as he turned to walk towards her. A woman he could sleep with without Debbie knowing...
But no. No. He had to be loyal to his loyal wife. It was a commitment! He swore up and down he'd only be with her. Ignoring Sarai and Nancy's presence in his life.
He instead turned back around and stopped in the tracks of a different woman, this one not his type so she couldn't distract him. "My wife worked so hard on these, please, just a galleon, just one, and I'll let you go!" She kept trying to walk around Elmo and Elmo began to hear footsteps growing louder, footsteps in unison, and he turned around, letting the woman leave as he saw two security officers approaching him.
"Oh.. look at that, I'm popular." He muttered and sauntered towards them while they were approaching him. "Sir." The left officer spoke. "We've recieved complai-"
"Complaints?" Elmo gasped as dramatically as he could, clutching his chest as if someone was twisting his heart and squeezing it. "About me? Oh noooooo. I'm a delightttt! They're lying!" He rolled his eyes, stopping the act.
The other officer spoke. "You're soliciting without authorization."
"I ain't soliciting, besides the lady let me in."
"Yeah yeah, the lady was the first one to alert us, then the others that you ripped off."
Elmo frowned. "I said I am not soliciting. I'm spreading joy. You look like you have not smiled since the Great Depression." He spat, literally spitting in the officer's face.
Both officers stiffened. "Sir, we're going to have to escort you-" Elmo scoffed as he laughed. "Buddy. I came here through the floo. I will go back that way. Don't touch me or I will stuff your mouth full of u-no-poo, enough to last for years- so you can be as miserable as you possibly can, worse than being in Azkaban with dementors."
He walked briskly back towards the floo fireplaces, granting a side eye to the officers trailing him as fast as he was moving, the candy and containers clinking and crinkling in the basket with every uneven, uncalm step made.
Then he stopped. "I'll go through the floo if you buy something from me." Elmo stood, looking as stubborn as a jackass (donkey). The first officer that had addressed him hesitated while the other rolled his eyes ready to do something. But the first officer ended up giving in. "What do you got? I'm craving something.."
He offered the basket and tupperware out. "How much for the whole basket and for the fudge?" He asked, Elmo's smile growing larger on his face in a sudden turn of mischief. "Why, for not arresting me or kicking my ass down the toilet to the exit, you get the exclusive deal of 30 galleons for all of this!"
Of course, he ripped off the interns earlier, but these officers? It was a steal. "Ok." The other officer shot him a glare. "What! It's evidence!" The officer handed the money over and Elmo handed the consumables to him. "As promised, goodbye." Elmo floo'd back to his home, having nothing in his hands as he walked up to his wife and gave her a big hug, allowing her hands to feel his bulging pockets full of coins.
Elmo dug in and pulled out every last bit of it. "Sold everything, and I only had to talk to like two people today. I'm sorry about this morning, honey. Let me take you out to dinner tonight?" She smiled and nodded, leaving the dishes in the sink for her to clean later. She was going to change out of her casual outfit and wear something nice. Elmo needed to shower.
Reducio
He had several different striped outfits, more in the style of nurse scrubs but alas, they worked for him and were comfortable even if the colors were simply just orange opulence, tighty whities white, and mild melon.
He walked out as he tussled with his hair a bit, trying to keep it as neat looking as he could without needing to grab the brush or comb.
He sat at the table watching her in the kitchen as she stirred a pot of caramel. He slouched a bit, and had a half smile with an unopened bottle next to him. As Elmo would remove the cap, he would comment on Debbie's cooking. Normally she was a great cooker but this morning.. well.. it wasn't perfect.
"Don't burn it." She dropped the spoon used for stirring the caramel on the counter. The clinking bothered Elmo as his ears twitched from the noise. "Elmo. Clock it before I pour this over your head and kick you out of this house."
He took a swig then just put the bottle down recapping it. "You making the lobster fudge again?" He asked as seriously as he could because apparently a joke wasn't a joke.
"Lobster fudge sells." She said dismissively, turning her attention away from the caramel to walk towards the fridge and grab out a tupperware box full of lobster fudge squares. "Here. Your other crap is in the basket in the living room as well, the candy from the wizarding world and the normal candy from the muggle world. No blueberry soda today. Nothing else. Just sell this crap, please. And just stop scaring people. It's not funny when I have to take a loan out from the bank just because you're not acting as maturely as you can."
Elmo didn't say anything, taking the lobster fudge and walked towards the living room to get the basket. His father didn't pay off the house? He thought he did? Whatever. Maybe the American way of bills is to still charge you even after things are allegedly paid off.
Without giving his wife a kiss goodbye, he used the floo powder. He was going to MACUSA today for business.
---
As the green flames swallowed him whole, he appeared in an atrium-looking place and he felt that it looked way too clean. It was way too sterile too. Elmo looked down at his outfit and brushed off the soot, noticing that the orange and white of his outfit was clashing against the sterile gold that decorated the walls as a trim.
He looked at the witch at a desk and walked up to her. Whatever her job was, Elmo didn't care. "Name?"
"Elmo. I'm The Candyman!" He announced with a sticky grin and a facial expression that kind of looked a bit like he was imitating Jim Carrey.
"I don't care." She said gravely, writing his name down.
He walked on, scoffing at her rudeness. He might as well be the President of the United States and walk through here and still be treated like a peasant! How [redacted] rude! Yet.. Elmo would treat people worse if he had her job.
He took one of the many lobster fudge squares inside the tupperware container and popped one in his mouth. Personally, he liked it. His wife really wasn't a bad cook. It was a little salty, chewy yet thick. His favorite.
He wandered around, looking at who seemed to be the most likely to dump money on his sweets. He needed the money. He kept wandering deeper and deeper and as he walked, the fudge stuck between his teeth, and he obnoxiously, intentionally, smacked his lips, tongue and jaws together like he wanted the entire place to hear the grinding of his molars.
Every person there was walking fast. Some may have had a meeting to get to. Oh well. He adjusted his basket's positioning to try and be as comfortable as he can as he found his first victim. A man in a navy robe with hair that was slicked back. Elmo made a beeline towards him and stepped right in his path. "Hey bossman. You look like you got a sweet tooth."
The man only blinked as he tried to walk around with Elmo constantly obscuring his every possible attempt to pass. "Excuse me, I'm late for a.." Elmo interrupted. He shoved a square of lobster fudge into his hands before he was able to finish his sentence. "On the house, the first one is always free. That's how addiction works dude."
The man turned the fudge in his hand towards his sight and looked at Elmo with confusion. "What is this?"
"Lobster fudge!" Elmo proclaimed loudly. "It was made fresh with real Maine lobster, real Maine sugar and..." He didn't finish. The man tried to hand it back and Elmo did not take it. "You don't want it?" He dropped his voice as if he were offended.
"Debbie worked hard on that! My wife is not something you toss in the trash! She threatened to dump the caramel she was working with this morning on my head if I didn't make a sale. Do you dare to insult her cooking?" Elmo watched the man's face turn white. "N-no I just-" And the ever so lovely red muppet interrupted again. "Good. Eat it later when you're alone, when you feel brave." He leaned in to whisper. "It's not my fault if you're refusing to buy sweets from me because you have a habit of wetting yourself." He returned his to his pose and just gave a smirk that said 'That's right. I know your secret.'
The man popped the fudge in his mouth and grabbed out a few galleons, handing it to Elmo. "Just give me whatever the galleons cover." The navy dressed man mumbled. Elmo obliged, handing him a canary creme looking candy filled with laxative and coated with sprinklings of ground U-No-Poo for a fun experience. "It may not be the lobster fudge but.. have a special product exclusive to the Break family. It's called the Broken System."
It was a stupid name and pretty much just thought up of when Elmo was just trying to figure out new products to sell in the midst of drinking before he crashed.
"You kids like candy?" He said, walking towards what looked like a bunch of teenaged interns or whatever. They huddled near a staircase and Elmo felt like he was drifting towards them like a shark to blood.
One boy clutched his parchment tight, another seemed to be wondering if she could escape Elmo, but another just stared at him blankly. Elmo liked the look of their fear. Their hesitation. Their doubt. Fear made people honest. "Well? You like candy or not? I ain't got all day. I got a wife, quotas and apparently mortgage."
One of the interns, the one that stared at him blankly finally spoke. "What kind?"
Elmo's grin grew wide but syrupy and slow, like it was wrong. "It's the kind that makes your teeth feel like they are crawling."
He tilted the basket towards them so they could see what was inside. Some looked questionable, others were wrapped neatly while some were just gross to look at. The boy clutching the parchment hesitated but was the first to reach in. He plucked out the same item he gave to the man just moments before. "It looks good.. what is it?" He asked as Elmo watched him twist it around his eyeline. "Oh, just a sea salt caramel creme dollop. Don't bite into it yet. I have to charge you. What about you two?" He gestured towards the others.
"Go on..." Elmo coaxed with his voice dropping to a whisper that he felt was ominous enough. "Pick your poison." Elmo snarled. The very same intern that stared at him blankly only looked back at him instead of reaching into the basket. "We're not allowed to-" Elmo stopped her by talking over her. "Allowed?" Elmo barked harshly. "Kid, you work in a government building, no one follows rules. Just don't be stupid and give me my damn money and have something for your damned rotten sweet teeth that you act like you lack."
Both of the other two interns- the two girls- reached in and grabbed something. One got the Bean Boozled for the muggles, the other got a chocolate covered dried cricket. "Great, now that you all touched the candy, you may have it, but you cannot return it, I demand 30 galleons in exchange."
Their jaws dropped. "THIRTY?"
"Most of it is because you made me stand here and talk to you all while you look like and smell like you haven't showered in days." He held out his free hand and gestured for the money.
They huffed and pooled their remaining galleons together and threw it on the ground as they stormed off, leaving Elmo to pick up the money.
"Ahhhh, the sweet smell of the stench leaving the room." He sighed as it was beginning to smell more like a hospital wing rather than a gym locker room.
Elmo looked around. He walked towards another hallway and looked at the wall full of former MACUSA presidents. He looked up at them cheerfully and waved. "Hello, losers. Got your pants in a twist?" He sneered, watching a pretty woman walk past him as he turned to walk towards her. A woman he could sleep with without Debbie knowing...
But no. No. He had to be loyal to his loyal wife. It was a commitment! He swore up and down he'd only be with her. Ignoring Sarai and Nancy's presence in his life.
He instead turned back around and stopped in the tracks of a different woman, this one not his type so she couldn't distract him. "My wife worked so hard on these, please, just a galleon, just one, and I'll let you go!" She kept trying to walk around Elmo and Elmo began to hear footsteps growing louder, footsteps in unison, and he turned around, letting the woman leave as he saw two security officers approaching him.
"Oh.. look at that, I'm popular." He muttered and sauntered towards them while they were approaching him. "Sir." The left officer spoke. "We've recieved complai-"
"Complaints?" Elmo gasped as dramatically as he could, clutching his chest as if someone was twisting his heart and squeezing it. "About me? Oh noooooo. I'm a delightttt! They're lying!" He rolled his eyes, stopping the act.
The other officer spoke. "You're soliciting without authorization."
"I ain't soliciting, besides the lady let me in."
"Yeah yeah, the lady was the first one to alert us, then the others that you ripped off."
Elmo frowned. "I said I am not soliciting. I'm spreading joy. You look like you have not smiled since the Great Depression." He spat, literally spitting in the officer's face.
Both officers stiffened. "Sir, we're going to have to escort you-" Elmo scoffed as he laughed. "Buddy. I came here through the floo. I will go back that way. Don't touch me or I will stuff your mouth full of u-no-poo, enough to last for years- so you can be as miserable as you possibly can, worse than being in Azkaban with dementors."
He walked briskly back towards the floo fireplaces, granting a side eye to the officers trailing him as fast as he was moving, the candy and containers clinking and crinkling in the basket with every uneven, uncalm step made.
Then he stopped. "I'll go through the floo if you buy something from me." Elmo stood, looking as stubborn as a jackass (donkey). The first officer that had addressed him hesitated while the other rolled his eyes ready to do something. But the first officer ended up giving in. "What do you got? I'm craving something.."
He offered the basket and tupperware out. "How much for the whole basket and for the fudge?" He asked, Elmo's smile growing larger on his face in a sudden turn of mischief. "Why, for not arresting me or kicking my ass down the toilet to the exit, you get the exclusive deal of 30 galleons for all of this!"
Of course, he ripped off the interns earlier, but these officers? It was a steal. "Ok." The other officer shot him a glare. "What! It's evidence!" The officer handed the money over and Elmo handed the consumables to him. "As promised, goodbye." Elmo floo'd back to his home, having nothing in his hands as he walked up to his wife and gave her a big hug, allowing her hands to feel his bulging pockets full of coins.
Elmo dug in and pulled out every last bit of it. "Sold everything, and I only had to talk to like two people today. I'm sorry about this morning, honey. Let me take you out to dinner tonight?" She smiled and nodded, leaving the dishes in the sink for her to clean later. She was going to change out of her casual outfit and wear something nice. Elmo needed to shower.
You've gotta break some eggs to make an omlette, something something.