How Can You Live With Yourself? Solo

Interacting with: N/A Mentioning: N/A Date: N/A

Word Count: 1208

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Three days. It had been three days since the incident. Avery rubbed her arm subconsciously. The rough skin reminded her of the jagged scar that lay there. A scar she had received and chosen to keep. It was a reminder to her. A reminder of how far she was willing to go. Even if it meant she could die, and that had nearly come true. Avery stood right where it had happened that fateful night just before curfew. She could still hear the screams of pain and terror filling the air. She had never been more afraid yet determined in that moment. It was something that had done more than just scar her physically. It had also scarred her mentally. More than she would ever admit out loud. At least, for now. Avery stooped down on the ground. The grass was clean of the blood that had marred its pristine surface only days before. Avery shivered at the thought. The reminder of how much blood there had been. Too much. She and Azrael had been lucky to survive. Lucky to live and tell the tale of what had happened, but there would be no telling of the tale. Not on Avery's part anyway. She stared at the ground where Azrael and she had been. She still didn't know what had happened to the younger boy when she had arrived at the scene. She had acted on impulse. Her rage towards the creature blinding her senses and causing her to lash out in order to protect a younger boy she hadn't even known at the time. Why? Why had she done it? Avery had been asking herself that question every time she thought back to that fateful night. There was no probable answer. She didn't know why, but something inside her had snapped into action. After she had found Azrael lying there on the ground, she had thought he had been dying. Maybe he had been. Maybe he would have died if she hadn't found him. Maybe that was the reason she had acted so rashly. Or maybe it wasn't. There was too much maybe in that. Avery collapsed to the ground. Her knees finally gave out. Everything felt like slow-motion as her body hit the ground. She buried her face in her hands to stop the tears from coming. Just standing in the place everything had happened destroyed her. There had never been a time in her life since her muggle friend had died that caused her to feel this distraught. It wasn't the fact that she nearly died that tortured her. It was the fact that she had nearly lost one of her fellow peers. A Gryffindor just like her. A kid that deserved to live. She couldn't think about what could have happened if she hadn't heard him hit the ground. So this was what survivor's guilt felt like. The only thing different was that both of them had survived. Thanks to the professor that had heard the screams and cries for help filling the air. Otherwise she would have bled out. Avery stood on shaky legs. Wiping the hair from her eyes, she stared at the scenery around her. Though she could never look at the place the same way again, she had to get past it. She could not let the attack linger and haunt her forever. How could she live with herself if she allowed that? The fact was, she couldn't She had to let the pain and the horror go. Easier said than done. She walked away from the site. It would take time to push past the pain. The memories. Suffering. Maybe someday she could walk to that place and laugh off the trauma. But, for now, she would stay away. Not because she was afraid, but because she had to heal. And that above all else mattered more than facing the trauma head on. Something brushed against her leg. She jumped at the feeling of fur brushing against the leg of her jeans. Looking down, she nearly laughed at what she saw. Jasper. Her cat. Somehow he had slipped behind her out of the Gryffindor Common Room and followed her all the way out there. Avery had been so caught up in her own thoughts she hadn't even realized he had been there the entire time. He must have been waiting for the right time to show himself. Classic Jasper. She lifted her cat from the ground where he stood beside her and pulled him close to her chest. Burying her face into his soft fur. Her cat purred beneath her. She could feel the vibration and the slight wiggle of his body as she held him. She hadn't realized at first how much she needed her cat. There was something about the way he curled up in her arms and purred that soothed her warring mind. Maybe as long as she had Jasper by her side she would be okay. He had always been there before. Even when she didn't think she needed him when it turned out she actually did. Then there were her friends that had been there the moment they had heard what had happened. There had never been a moment where she had ever felt so much love towards her. All her life she had pushed people away from her past in fear that they wouldn't think of her the same way or like her anymore when they found out what really happened. Hogwarts had changed that. Through Hogwarts Avery had learned to be free. Free from her past and able to be herself. She no longer had to hide behind the mask her parents had so carefully crafted her to wear. Then Avery remembered. Her father. He must have known. He must have heard of what had happened. Yet he never came to even see if his one and only daughter was alive and well. If that didn't show how little he cared about Avery, then she didn't know what did. If her grandfather had been well enough, she knew that both he and her grandmother would have been there in an instant. They really loved her. They were nothing like her parents or even her own mother. Avery didn't even know if she could call her mother a mother anymore. It had been nearly two years since Avery had last seen her. And that had been a painful past two years without a mother to guide her through. Avery wouldn't have known what to do if it hadn't been for her aunt who had urged her to keep going. Avery turned her back from the scene and walked away. Just like her mother had turned and walked away from her. With Jasper in her arms, she made her way back to the castle. There would be no need to go outside again that day. She needed a break from the constant oppression life threw at her.

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