Unfulfilled Solo

Letter to @Gellert Schroeder

English | French

A continuation of this thread.
permission to godmode Gellert was granted by his wonderful writer.

Maxi picked up a quill, quietly staring down at the parchment. After what happened between him and Gellert, he knew that he should offer a proper explanation to him sooner or later. He had nowhere to hide. He had to do this.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t received confessions from boys before; oh gosh, he promised that fluster was a total accident. Those short letters, occasional flowers, and flushed cheeks had been dealt with calmly, almost relaxedly, but this time he just forgot himself for no reason.

Perhaps he was only collected because everything was in control. And Gellert Schroeder, whom he had regarded as a platonic friend for all this time, was not.

So he shrank from it, avoided him, and continuously apologised for being incapable of making this a two-way thing. He blamed himself for not getting the apparent signals, for thinking this was totally a friendship thing from the very beginning, and he was genuinely astonished when he finally realised what Gellert really meant. He said no. Because he couldn’t, and because he wouldn’t.

But somewhere in his heart, he enjoyed it.

Everything.

Okay, maybe he was just being dramatic. But he didn’t even know what was on his mind. He refused Gellert’s invitation firmly, but he still wanted to see him and hear from him from time to time. If he had to pay for his own neglect, then he would, but…

They could still be friends. They had to be. Did Gellert say that they could that day?

He thought so.

And he started to write.

Monsi Mister Schroeder,

Maxi’s nose wrinkled as he crossed off the title in French. Gellert Schroeder spoke impeccable French, and he wouldn’t deny that being able to communicate in his mother tongue contributed to their relationship, even if he could handle English conversations perfectly. He was going to switch to that universal language this time, though, and he was going to address Gellert by his last name.

Totally impartial. He liked it.

He must make sure that his words wouldn’t give Gellert any romantic notion again. And, as said, he just felt embarrassed to say some words out loud in his native language. Maxi lowered his eyes and thought for a moment before continuing.

Mister Schroeder,

I deeply apologise for leaving early that day. I do hope that you may forgive me for my ill manners.

I am honoured that you are quite fond of me, and I am sorry if I have been sending out wrong messages to you all this time. Unfortunately, I am afraid that I am, in fact, heterosexual, and therefore my feelings towards you have been, and will be, always platonic. Again, I am sorry that I cannot reciprocate your affection.

You have always been such a dear friend of mine. I know I will regret it if this interlude breaks the tie between us, and I agree that remaining friends is the best option. Thank you for your understanding. Please know that I cherish the time we spent together, and I hope that this wouldn’t be the end.

I will keep you updated. Expect my next letter soon, and I would love to hear from you too.

Regards,
Maximilien

He knew that nothing could be changed when he unintentionally signed “Maximilien”, his full name that he almost never used with his peers. He studied the letter for a while, wanting to cross the redundant letters out several times, but he eventually kept them.

He watched the barn owl fly away with the letter attached to her leg. He thought he would write soon, maybe next week, when he got some interesting news about school. They would talk about a lot of things like they used to, like nothing had happened.

The thought of a perpetual farewell weighed on him. No. He knew that he wanted to keep in touch, and Gellert Schroeder was a nice person who would probably respond. Maxi promised to himself that he would write to Gellert, as soon as he gathered enough to compose a letter.

He must write.

But he never did.