Trust PV Ileen Knight

Banner was done by Aida Mòrsgor-Ama Ellwood

Ileen hesitated as she reached the familiar place that she had spent so many hours of her earlier school years in. Her fingertips lingered on the cold stone of the wall, brushing it slightly as the memories flickered before her eyes, accompanying every step she took towards the practice room. In her second year she had joined the team. That seemed so long ago - almost like a completely different life. Even the moment where she had left, halfway into her fourth year, seemed like another's person's choice. Since then a lot had changed. Ileen had slipped away, consumed by guilt, grief and fear, trying to hold onto a shadow that was long gone but didn’t seem to leave her. The struggle had left its marks on the girl's appearance. The dark shadows under her eyes made her skin look even more pale, her brown hair fell in waves over her shoulders and seemed to slip in front of her profile like a curtain she pulled shut when someone looked at her too long. She had been avoiding people, only answering questions in class and the rest of the time she was all by herself, sometimes with her cat and mostly studying.
But now, she had returned. The prospect of her future and the urge to become a healer gave her the purpose she desperately needed to pull herself out of that grim limbo she had been in over the past two years. The spark of life and will back in her brown eyes, she was actively participating in life again - tying up threads and trying to move on. It was like waking up from a long and intense nightmare.

As the Slytherin finally reached the entrance to the practice room, she didn’t hesitate any longer. Quietly and yet determined she slipped through the door, taking in the familiar smell of magic and hard work, a mixture of fire and sweat. A faint smile tugged on the corner of her mouth. Last time she’d been here, she was part of a team, a family and although she had left, few of the people she actually trusted were still here. And one of them, the one she was seeking out, was here. Bridget.
The older girl apparently had just finished her last run-through and was returning to a bag near the door.
Ileen felt the calmness and comfort that always flew through here when she was near the seventh year and the faint smile on her face developed into a full one as she stepped fully into the room and made her presence known.
“Hey Bridget. I thought I might find you here preparing for your last duel.” Ileen brushed a strand of hair from her eyes and tilted her head. Bridget looked calm and prepared, a demeanor that she strongly connected with the older girl.
She didn’t know exactly why she had picked this day to talk to Bridget, after all these years. Maybe because now that she was about to fight her last duel, it felt more like a real goodbye then later in the year?
Chewing on her lower lip, she scrutinized her former co-captain. This girl was one of the few people she trusted, one of the few that picked sanity over madness, reason over impulse. Not only had she taught her to perfect her Expelliarmus four years ago, but they also had made the same decision in the fight club and when… he returned. If Ileen had an older sister, she would probably be very similar to Bridget.
Playing with a thread on her sleeve, Ileen shot another smile at the girl. “I just wanted to wish you good luck, you know. And thank you for all you’ve done over the past few years. It will not be the same without you here.” Ileen hoped that Bridget would understand her wish to express those feelings, even after she had been quiet for many years. And with those words, her stomach tightened. It made it more real: One of the few people she trusted was about to leave.

@Bridget Collins

@Ileen Knight

Bridget hadn't been expecting to talk to anyone at least until she reached the Great Hall, since everyone in the duelling room was caught up in their own practice and the halls tended to be thinly populated once classes were over for the day and the sun was out. But she looked up toward the door and found someone that had been absent from this room for a few years now: Ileen Knight, her old teammate, one of the resignations from the team that had ached the most. Ileen was here and greeting Bridget, smiling, and if Bridget was a more sentimental person she would have let herself think that it felt a little like a lost puzzle piece slotting into place, bringing with it a quiet contentment.

She couldn't help but smile as well, her happiness at the surprise spelling itself out. "Ileen!" she greeted. "You thought correctly." What she nearly said was, you know me well, but that might not be so true anymore. This was a surprise because, in many ways, Ileen had slipped out of Bridget's life. Off the duelling team, out of casual conversation, and Bridget still saw her around--she hadn't left the school entirely, though she wouldn't have been the first--but it was different. Maybe they had both buried themselves in studies to avoid the nastier parts of their reality around them. But it had weighed on Ileen worse than it had Bridget, and knowing when to help in Slytherin of all places was tricky, so she'd given her the space she'd established with each step back.

The considerations of looking out for her peers were a complicated mess, but at least Ileen looked a little more lively than she had a few months ago. "It's good to see you," she said honestly, as that was the easiest honest thing to share. The Viridian Vipers was never quite the same without her, like how this last year had some sort of gaping hole without Dmitri, only Ileen's absence deprived them of something gentler. People like Ileen were what made saying goodbye difficult.

Ileen was hesitating on something she wanted to say, so Bridget just gave her the time to pull her thoughts together. She was in no rush. Even if she had been in a rush, she would have ignored it as long as she could. Ileen didn't take so long, though, speaking up to convey a good luck, thank you, and the prelude to a goodbye.

Bridget was not the sentimental sort. She choked up a bit anyway. Ileen could have talked to her about anything, but she sought her out to say this, and Bridget wished she had some mini-speech ready to go to return the sentiments. She cleared her throat in fear her voice would crack if she didn't. "Thank you for the luck." Years ago, Santario had told her they didn't need luck, but she'd never really stopped wishing for it, even after building up her skills as much as she could. It was better and much worse if everything came down to her.

As for the thanks, there were many things Bridget could express. But Ileen had left it pretty general, so maybe that was enough. She would know, hopefully, what Bridget meant, all the moments that would have been worse without Ileen there, too. "I am glad I had you as a teammate when I did, and at my side when it came down to it." Silently, she was sorry for the times in the past few years when she had not been at Ileen's side, though she had no way of knowing if the younger Slytherin would have even wanted that. Even though it probably wouldn't have fixed it, because Bridget excelled in defense, not healing.

That might have been all Ileen had to say, but she offered, "I'm not in any rush, if you want to talk for a bit?" She nodded toward the bleachers. "We can sit over there and hope no one's aim goes terribly off course." To Bridget, that was hardly a real worry. Most of her time was spent in this room with spells coming her way intentionally or not, and if she reacted fast enough she could throw up a shield. If not, it was just a normal Thursday. Ileen, however, might have forgotten some of the chaos. Sitting would give Bridget a moment to think of how best to engage with the acknowledged sunsetting of her time here; this wouldn't be the last time they spoke, but she didn't want the real last to be a haphazard jam of everything.

Banner was done by Aida Mòrsgor-Ama Ellwood

Bridget’s warm reaction was answered with a reflexive smile - almost a movement the muscles in Ileen’s face needed to get used to again. Not only did the older student make her smile, she also felt a warmth in her chest. The unspoken and natural understanding that seemed to be between them was very present in this small interaction and Ileen already was grateful for making her way over here. Bridget was a good person and she would be dearly missed, even though they didn’t talk much since she had left the team.
A deeper smile flashed over Ileen’s pale face and she gave her former duelling captain an acknowledging blink. “Thank you, it’s good to see you too.” It was a genuine statement - honesty was met with the same courtesy. Funny enough, she could have approached Bridget in the common room many times, but she had picked this place and time to seek her out. Maybe Ileen was looking for the context that was still weighing on her, maybe she wanted to exclude unwanted eavesdroppers.

Something shifted in the duellist's face as she thanked Ileen for the offered wishes and was reflected in its kind on her own features. To her own surprise she felt a lump forming in her throat as Bridget elaborated on her own sentiment and the warmth mixed with the nagging feeling of guilt Ileen was used to wearing as a second skin by now. Not that the older student had given her the feeling she was resenting her in any way, but Ileen couldn’t help feeling sad about it anyway.
Struggling to find the words to express what was on her chest, she just stood there, chewing on her lower lip and intertwining her own fingers. Thankfully, Bridget offered to talk and pointed towards the bleachers. “Sure.” The shadow of a smile returned to her lips and grateful for the opportunity to switch positions to a more comfortable and intimate one, Ileen would walk ahead, carefully sitting down far away from other potential listeners.
She crossed her arms and wrapped her fingers around the hem of her sleeve, as she often did when she was a little nervous. Then she brushed a stray strand of hair out of her eyes and looked straight at Bridget. She hadn't explained it to anyone until Hanako had confronted her. She had simply left. And she didn't want her friend (because that's what Bridget was to her) to consider for a moment that Ileen had simply abandoned them. She needed to explain. “I know, it’s probably water under the bridge now, but I wanted to tell you why I left the team a while ago.” Seeking for absolution, she looked down into her own lap, suddenly not able to bear the gaze of the other student anymore. “After everything that had happened… the fight club, the dungeons, the balls…” She hesitated and her heart ached in her chest before she forced out the next words. “Him…” She looked back up and the guilt was written all over her face. “I just couldn’t fight anymore. "I am a healer. I am here to fix people, not hurt them more. Even if it's just a sport. I… I never wanted to abandon the team. I hope you know that.” Now it was out. Two years later, she finally said it and it felt like a rock rolled from her chest.

@Bridget Collins

@Ileen Knight

Her offer to sit and talk for a while accepted, Bridget followed Ileen to a far end of the bleachers. There were better places to talk than the active duelling club, the hisses and bangs of spells creating a chaotic environment, if mostly controlled chaos by the caliber of spellcasters that made up Hogwarts' duellists. Those training in here were likely to mind their own business, though, so it might not be calm and quiet but it was mostly private.

Ileen had always been on the quieter side, Bridget knew, they were alike it that way. It still twisted something in her chest to see her so pulled into herself now because she didn't remember it being like this before. Hogwarts changed every student who passed through its halls and she was sure it was rarely just for the better. It wasn't all bad--she'd barely been a witch at eleven and look at her now, star duellist--but it left them with shadows, scars, the memories of if not the actual curses. And Ileen to her was a friend, maybe in some fraction like a little sister. She was one of the people Bridget wanted Hogwarts to bring only happiness to, but it had never really worked out like that for any of her people.

She blinked in surprise as Ileen brought up her leaving the team, though that was the only real change in her expression. It wasn't what she'd expected, it was all water under the bridge, but she'd remain an attentive listener, eyes on Ileen's face even as the other Slytherin looked away. Maybe it was ideal that she'd looked down because it let Bridget draw in a slow breath, shaky at the edges, without being watched. She tried not to show that those things--the fight club, the dungeons, the balls--had gotten to her except around a few people that she was even pickier about than the circle she called friends. These days it was mostly Illowy, sometimes Katrina.

Him referred to Victor, she knew. Who else? There were few people at Hogwarts, possibly none, who had been as affected by his (second) death as the girl sitting next to her, some mix of cruelty, apathy, and not understanding. Bridget would admit she fell into the final category; she'd seen him die just aboveground of the fight club, how could he have returned? But the first time around had messed her up, had been at least half of the reason she quit Quidditch and joined duelling, and Ileen was only at fault in this situation for being more empathetic than the rest of them, the same heart that would make her a great healer causing her to bleed.

In a way, Bridget understood Ileen perfectly. They had done opposite things for the same reasoning, though maybe they weren't quite opposites. Ileen sought to be a healer, Bridget a defender. She might be ruthless on the duelling stage, able to string curses at her opponents with little worry, but neither of them had ever been combative when it came down to it.

"It's really okay that you left," she assured her. "Duelling is not for everyone, and I'm happy that you figured out it wasn't right for you anymore." It might look grand, showing off magical mastery and evading the returning blows fluidly, but you had to have the stomach for both going down and taking others down, which could summon unfriendly recollections for some. For Bridget, it was enough to know mediwizards were on site, an assurance that had never been present when she was in actual danger. It would have been fun to have these years training with Ileen, but she didn't say that. If it had been on her mind all this time, even if just in the back of it, Bridget didn't want to make her feel any worse.

That was the basics of it. But Ileen had also shared something much more personal than the average reason for leaving duelling, and Bridget should return that with her own honest thoughts, at least in some part. 'I'm afraid that next time I'll really lose someone, I still won't be strong enough to protect them, but maybe if I train enough I will be' would be a summary close to the full truth. She had never admitted that to a single soul, only separate admissions to wanting to be stronger and being afraid of losing her friends. But she could start with, "I stayed for the same reason, sort of. I have to keep fighting, or practicing fighting, so I'll be able to trust my spells when it comes down to it." She picked at imaginary dirt under her fingertips and had looked away from Ileen without fully realizing it. "But I'm not sure doing a school sport will ever really make it feel like enough."

Honesty for honesty. It would probably be good to get it all off her shoulders, but Ileen did not need that burden, only proof that her reasoning made sense to Bridget. "But you shouldn't feel like you abandoned us, really," she emphasized again. Had she really worried Bridget might see it that way, on top of everything else that clung to her like thick shadows? Quieter, and with a little humorless laugh, she said, "I kind of feel like I abandoned you." It couldn't solely be the fault of her friends when she felt as though she'd fallen more or less out of touch with every single one of them. She was a taller, messier version of her first year self who had been committed to the library and little else. The rest of it passed her by and there wasn't so much time left to fix that.