Finished Bleed Myself Dry Again PV Elsi

He knew that barking anywhere. It meant a certain wonderful Hufflepuff was nearby, and likely, usually, about to make his day a bit brighter. Which, he laughed brightly at the fluffy dog that was Dorion bumping into his legs, shouldering his bag and briefly brushing a hand over their head in greeting. “Hey Dori.”

It didn’t take long to realize the head pushing was actually on purpose, trying to herd him away from the crowd as if he was some sort of runaway sheep-

“Jeez, what is it Creampuff?” He huffed, amused but quick to give into wandering to the side of the corridors, turning a corner and away from the more crowded halls.

Somewhat more alone, Elsian was a bit more surprised when the Hufflepuff turned dog didn’t immediately turn back, instead trying out new tricks…or…was it charades? That took a bit longer to understand, but one could forgive him, he’d just got done with his homework for the day.

“Did a 1st year fall down a well?” He tried jokingly as the Hufflepuff turned dog covered their eyes with their paws again.

No, that wasn’t it. And Elsian would have blushed at the unimpressed look he got if he didn’t find himself so funny. “Alright, alright I get it!” Grinning, he made a show of not only closing his eyes but slowly covering them with a small little huff of laughter at the light nip he’d gotten to his fingers for his sassy troubles. “There, happy?”

"Do you notice anything... different about me?" Dorion asked.

That- Hmm. Anything different?

Hands dropping Elsian let his gaze wander from the top of their head down to their feet. That implied something very new, something they were proud of, and his eyes immediately went to see if they’d done some spell to grow out their hair then to their hands to check for something sparkly or new. Nothing, of course. Nothing new that he could tell right away, not in the amazing 5 seconds Dori gave the teen to answer before they were already blurting out the answer.

Nothing except a shiny..bright-

"I'm a prefect again!"

-prefect pin.

The way his heart froze and skipped had nothing to do with joy.

And though Elsian had never had to face a dementor before, he imagined that the sudden shock of pure dread shooting down his spine at the sight of that badge was, maybe, similar. Similar enough at least to leave him feeling almost as cold as he felt drained. He couldn’t look away. Green eyes stuck on that prefect badge, something like shock or maybe anger making his ears ring and muffling Dorions words. He felt a bit cold then.

Numb maybe.

“Are you- are you proud of me?”

The metal pinned to their chest gleamed damningly, shined to a perfection that felt a bit like a red herring meant to hide another drop to an already overflowing cup. Suddenly he didn’t feel all that okay anymore. Just sick, and for the first time in years he couldn’t quite bear meeting their eyes. The dirty floor, the depressing weather outside the windows, the blurry rush of students going back and forth in the crowded hall behind them; he wanted to look anywhere else besides Dori and the disgusting little badge pinned so proudly to their school cloak like a leech they purposely choose to suffer again and again.

“Ah..aha you’re…” He swallowed past a sudden, bitter retort pooling on his tongue. Startling but increasingly familiar, “a prefect again?”

“Third times the charm, amiright?” Dorion joked quietly, aiming finger guns at their boyfriend with a small, shaky smile that should’ve been returned tenfold.

It wasn’t.

Dorion joked, but Elsian didn’t laugh. Couldn’t. The air felt stilted. Flat. Thick with something uncomfortable bordering on dangerous but he still didn’t laugh, not this time. He didn’t want to.

This wasn’t something to be proud of, not in this situation. It was downright stupid and self sabotage at its finest; he would know. He’d been around Dorion long enough to see the way they just kept allowing things to pile on top of one another like stones being tossed atop a glass roof.

Just another, another, another. Now this?

So no, he wasn’t proud.

“I…if-”

How could he be?

“If you’re happy and think you can handle it then I’m…It’s just-” He struggled to find the words. No. That was a lie.

It almost felt cruel of them to ask in the first place. Like a trick without a right answer. Lie or hurt them.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit much?” He asked, tone gone flat. And perhaps, even, a bit more cold. “I thought you were planning on adding more time to your flying, and the paper…” There was always something to worry about every hour of every day, something to complain about. Something to be better at.

Had he been listening to the wrong Dorion Anderson when they talked about being worried over falling behind on their classwork? Not being good enough on the broom or with their spellwork? Worrying about their writing, their art, studying themselves to sickness for something a year away. When was enough, enough? Would it stop when they inevitably burned themselves-

“Did you-” Quit?

…he shook the thought away because he suspected he already knew the answer. One, Elsi felt, was much too bitter for words to express. One he was sure would make him feel more the fool for daring to hope for.

More than he already felt to be at least.

☽⦙ Date | November 14, 2024 ⦙☾
☽⦙ Thread With | @Elsian Cox ⦙☾
☽⦙ Hex Code | #810B2D ⦙☾

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Dori didn't realize you could feel the world slowly rotating under your feet until this moment. The chatter of the corridors became a dull roar in their ears as everything seemed to move in slow motion. Was the castle tipping? No, everything was upright. Goddess- it felt like the very trembling of the tectonic plates existed deep within their own bones. Slowly pushing, and pushing, towards a volcanic eruption.

Elsi's eyes wouldn't meet theirs, even though they were trying to reposition to catch his eye. Even for a moment. Fuck. Why was he so upset he wouldn't even look at them?

His disdain hit Dori like a slap so much so that they physically flinched away from him. Robotically, they took one step, two steps away from him as if space could distance the words he was saying to them. They hadn't done it in years, but for the first time in a long time they felt themselves shrinking back on themselves and trying to become small. Trying to disappear from this conversation, especially since even the finger guns didn't diffuse whatever tension was laid between them like an unfinished blanket waiting for the final stitch to be sewn. Their arms wove around them like a shield, mostly stopping them from ripping off the prefect badge right then and there.

But no- they wanted this. Dori could handle this. Why was he suddenly doubting Dori? Their blue eyes that had become oceans of confusion and self-doubt froze over, an ice that was last seen to Elsi in first year in these very corridors returned to... eyes that still wouldn't look at them. Coward.

They realized then, the silence after his half-finished question left hanging in the air. His voice nearly unrecognizable with his own frosty layer of... something. Disappointment? Frustration? Anger? They would have to hyperfixate on this with Buttons later. A brief vision of future panic flashed in their mind of swinging in their hammock tonight before patrols while Buttons couldn't help but do anything but purr comfortingly in their lap.

"Make a mistake?" Their voice cracked, betraying the bubbling magma of anger and desperation for him to just say he was proud. This was the first time- the only time, he had never said yes. The first time he didn't tell them, 'Oh Dori, you're amazing at everything! Breathtaking even when you fail! No matter what you do I'll support you forever!' The pedestal he had put them on felt like it was crumbling underneath their very feet, and they were beginning to lose purchase. "You made me feel like I could do anything," Their voice dropped to a whisper, not trusting it to stay steady at normal volume. "So- I have been. I thought you'd- no, it's ok. Pride has its limits, even for a Gryffindor right?"

One of their hands broke from the iron lock grip around their waist to quickly wipe away frustrated tears. This- isn't how this was supposed to go. Elsi was the person Dori would always run to first with news. He was their best friend first, but this was the first time- It was in this spiral of thoughts that they remembered where they were and felt like everybody was staring.

"I have it handled, I'm fine at flying. Prefect honestly- it's mostly patrols. It's- whatever really." They felt small, now trapped in the corridors. They had to get out of here- before they had a panic attack. "I'll be at dinner tonight, if you want to eat together." A topic change, their own eyes now glued to the floor, not wanting to look up at him or at any students that might be watching. "I have to um- Go fill out, prefect stuff. Paperwork, or whatever." There was no paperwork. "I had just... wanted you to be the first to know. I love you, I'll see you at dinner. If you want... to see me, or eat with me I guess." Their body was rigid, frozen in place, and hoping the students passing were like dinosaurs that couldn't see Dori if they didn't move a muscle. Waiting for the apology that would surely come from Elsi in a moment.

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No…Yes? Those hadn’t been the words pressing against his lips, but did that make them any less true? Hadn’t Dorion made a mistake? Or if not that, then, something worse. Much worse, because what else could you call this reckless abandon they wielded like a double edged blade each time they threw themselves deeper and deeper into this never ending sea of obligation? It was stupid at best, self destructive at worst-

“That wasn’t-” He began and stopped just as quickly, irritation popping up in angry bursts because he hadn’t meant it like that but maybe he should have if this was all they could draw from his words.

But that wasn’t right. This wasn’t right. He didn’t agree but what they said wasn’t exactly wrong and in that regard Elsian had messed up. He’d never been good with getting his points across but Dorion had somehow always figured out what he was trying to say, understood where others hadn’t and in that way it was a failure on his part for not being more clear. Kinder. Instead of assuming Dorion would understand like they always did. But it was hard to be kind when the truth hurt. Hard to be clear when everything felt so muddied and different. “There was never a doubt about that Dori,” he pressed slowly, taking a step closer, hand hovering unsure and not quite reaching out to comfort. It felt strange, different, this time. Like he wasn’t allowed.

Wrong.

“I just meant-”

…

Oh.

Oh he- he stepped back. A brief look of hurt passed over his features, eyes finally darting up to stare in a similar wide eyed disbelief like some sick mock reversal of their places seconds before. That didn’t feel fair.

It wasn’t fair.

He choked down an angry sound, gritting his teeth against a losing battle. “Yeah, well…” Elsian had never been much of a Gryffindor, running like a coward but maybe they were matched in that respect. For a house so just and loyal as Hufflepuff, Dorion seemed rather ready to ignore him completely in the face of all their hard work and toil these days. “Guess houses don’t amount to much. Not so much a badger-”

A sigh, short and frustrated cut between the words. “Rather than a lion…you seem to have enough ego for a whole bloody pride these days anyways-” the boy ran a hand through his hair roughly, eyes tearing away to glare at to the side, at the floor, not at the way Dorion scrubbed at their face. Too angry. Too upset. But just because they were- they didn’t…who did they think they were throwing that weak as hell Gryffindor crap at his face-

Merlin, this was so stupid!

“Do you even hear yourself?” He questioned, tone fighting against a dry, painful sort of disbelief. The type that you had to laugh at because it was too bitter, too pathetic otherwise. “Fine at flying, you were just complaining about your flight times last-!” Merlin, what was the point? Just going in circles…but no. Not circles; another conversation cut off at the head before it could even pick a direction to go. Like a Band-Aid over something rotting.

He barked out a laugh, short and bitter at an offer he was beginning to learn not to trust. “Oh, like between the paperwork and daily dinner cramming? Shit, this is what I mean-!” It was enough to make a person cry, yell. He trembled minutely with the force of it, barely there at all but hands shaking with the irony nevertheless because who did they think they were fooling? “Handled, when was the last time you had any of this handled?” Themselves maybe? Certainly not him. Not anymore. He could tell a joke when he saw one, and Dorion thinking they could just magically have their cake and eat it too was the biggest joke here.

“Y’know what? Sure why not.” Elsian scoffed, sharp and biting and mean laughter coloring the edges as he shouldered his bag and made to brush past Dorion. “I can pretend to believe that.” He wanted to. He couldn’t. “Dinner it is.”

No goodbye. No apology. Just silence that spoke louder than any scream or tears could attempt to burn into the distance between them with each step he took away to disappear into the faceless crowd of students. It’d grown then. How much, who could say.