5 Nov 2024, 23:52
Lessons in the Self
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when you wake up, what kind of world will you find yourself in? ──────────august 12th, 2024 | the brown house, devon, england | lilliana [#a56b8e] | alyssea [#ffffff]
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| In 1987, Dr. Edward Higgins developed the self-discrepancy theory. The theory states that an individual has three selves that they compare: the real, ideal, and the ought selves. The real self is the current state of the individual; who am I at the current moment? The ideal self is who the individual wishes they should be; who should I be to achieve my highest potential? The ought self is what the individual believes they should be based on what they believe others think of them; who should I be in the eyes of others? The last two years at Hogwarts had certainly challenged Alyssea's perceptions of herself. Her real self changed with every day, being a student, being a captain, being a friend. Her ideal self was a hard one to pin down, as with her ought self. Her parents always expected her to just do her best; she could do well in grades or sports as long as she was happy with whatever she did. Ideally, Alyssea was a good team player, someone her teams could rely on when things got rough. Ideally, Alyssea was a people person, welcoming people with warm, open arms. Ideally, Alyssea was a good writer and people enjoyed her Headliner work. The reality? Alyssea felt like a ball of yarn that hadn't been spun right, the wool fraying at the edge from trying to cut off the feathery edges. If anyone had expectations of her, they were usually dependent on the situation; her racers looked at her for advice, for the strategy in a race; her Quidditch teammates looked at her to quaffle grab and cheat when necessary. If Alyssea Brown could be described, she was a wave, always changing with the tides, the winds, and the water pressure. (Higgins believed that conflicts between the real and ideal self created depressive thoughts, while conflicts between the real and ought self created anxious thoughts.) If there was a constant that Alyssea fell back on, it would be her role as a little sister. Anton coddled her every chance he got whenever he got back to England to visit. He bought her nice gifts, took her on adventures, and stayed up with her if she ever got a new hyperfixation. Most siblings hated each other, but Anton and Alyssea found their fondness grow with the distance. What was that quote again? And then Anton brought home a girl and the constant she relied on fell apart. The family and Lilliana were getting ready to explore the city. For her, Alyssea's parent's had told her, for Lilliana to have fun and see the sights. Alyssea wanted to do her hair in a braid, but not a side braid. Unfortunately, braiding her own hair was not a skill she excelled in; her Hogwarts' hairstyle usually stayed down with the occasional ponytail for more intense situations. She was ready to give up on the hairstyle. A knock came on her door. "Who is it?" Alyssea called out. "It's Lilli!" The door opened just a crack, big enough for Lilliana to poke her head in. "Is everything alright?" No, but Lilliana didn't need to know. Alyssea scrambled to put her hair ties away and comb her hair back down. "Yep, everything's fine." She couldn't help the frustration lacing her voice. Lilliana had come in looking flawless as ever while Alyssea couldn't even braid her own damn hair. Boarding school made kids independent, sure, but the idea of independence left her mouth sour. Anton would've done her hair for her now. Had he attended to Lilliana first over her? It made sense; she was his girlfriend, after all. Lilliana opened the door more but stayed by the doorframe. "Your cardigan is very cute. Where'd you get it?" Alyssea looked down at the cream-coloured cardigan and frowned. She'd had the garment for as long as she could remember, a closet staple that usually didn't make it to Hogwarts. She liked it too much to bring it to Scotland. Where it came from was not a story Alyssea remembered. For a history kid, her memory wasn't the best. (Yet another discrepancy she wasn't sure how to resolve.) So, she shrugged. "I've had it for a while." There were a few more questions like that passed back and forth. Alyssea didn't think of them much, but she could see the way Lilliana wracked her brain for more questions whenever the silence fell. If siblings usually hated each other, Alyssea imagined it felt a lot like this; a one-sided conversation, a one-sided relationship that surely only benefitted one of them in the end. As Lilliana was thinking, Alyssea examined her. Her bright ginger hair reminded Alyssea a lot of Rusty's fur, and did she have green eyes? She looked good in green. Lilliana's hairstyle yesterday had been some sort of braid crown, wasn't it? Alyssea didn't want to ask... but she really wanted braids today. Alyssea cleared her throat and Lilliana broke out of her thoughts. "Can you... can you do my hair the way you did yesterday?" The smile that broke out on Lilliana's face was unmistakeable. The girl practically skipped to Alyssea's side and set her on the bed's edge, taking a handful of hair ties and getting to work. They didn't speak as Lilliana worked. Alyssea was okay with this arrangement. She kept her eyes on the floor, taking note of things she needed to clean up later. Alyssea would love to say she was very accepting when she first met the girl, but the reality was that she felt jealousy, envy, green, all of those ugly emotions she would never admit to. How could a Hufflepuff, of all people, feel such horrible things? But this girl was taking her brother's attention, his affections, and Alyssea could not find it in her to accept her. Lilliana Hendriks had done nothing wrong. In fact, she amplified everything Alyssea wished she could be. From Anton's recount and Lilliana's responses to their parents' questions about her, Lilliana Hendriks was a Muggle high schooler. Lilliana was taking AP classes in computer science, physics, and calculus. She was a top player in her school's football team and a member of the hockey team. If there was anything else she did, it was lost to Alyssea's awe. Somehow, the girl had enough time to be an academic weapon and still be a jock. What next? She did activism? Volunteering? Somehow, the list never seemed to end. (When asked her real, ideal, and ought self, Lilliana had an answer for everything. Her real self was here, in England, as Anton's splendid girlfriend. Her ideal self was a mechatronics engineer. Her ought self was working at the restaurant Anton saw her at. Everything about her selves pointed to success and Alyssea just felt ugly compared to it all.) When Alyssea looked in the mirror, Lilliana's hands moved quickly. She stared for a few more moments before asking, "How do you do it?" Lilliana's eyes widened slightly and her hands paused. "Uhm, well, you have to divide the hair into a middle part-" It was then Alyssea realised, oh, she hadn't been very specific about her request. She shook her head, stopping quickly when she felt her hair tug where Lilliana had just been working at it. "Oh, not the braid! I mean, everything you do at school. How do you do sports while also doing so many AP classes?" Alyssea waited for Lilliana to respond, but the American just froze as she considered the answer. So, she continued. "I do a lot of things at school. I do two sports and captain one of them, then I'm also on the newspaper team. But it's either my grades slip or my sports performance does and I can never do well in both. I've done so many things in the last year even though I said I wouldn't and I feel like... like I'm lying to myself, you know? I don't know who I am, what I'm meant to be doing, and it just sucks." Alyssea wasn't really expecting an answer to her question. It was hard to admit it, let alone admit it to a near-stranger. Some people said that venting is good because it helps relieve stress and see your issue from a third-person perspective for better problem-solving. She never believed it. Saying things out loud made them heavier because then you acknowledged they were real. This confession didn't seem that heavy, though. Lilliana hummed, and Alyssea found herself humming the same note in her head. "It's okay to feel like you don't know where you should be. I didn't! You know, when I was ten, I wanted to be a jazz dancer." Lilliana took another section and started braiding again meticulously. "Dance teachers are really mean when you're young, though, so I quit. Couldn't deal with that. Then I met a bird on the side of the road and tried to nurse it back to health. I wanted to become a vet, but I don't have the brains for biology. Maths is easier. Then I saw a bunch of cool machines at this careers expo and eventually settled on mechatronic engineering." The American girl chuckled. Lilliana's confession wasn't what Alyssea expected. She expected the American girl to tell her the story of how she'd always known what she wanted to be, maybe her parents showed her something and it sparked her life-long passion for it. That was always the story successful people told. Maybe that's why everyone always said never to judge a book by its cover. "You're thirteen, and it's okay to do everything. It's too early to say, 'I'm gonna be this!' because plans will change as you figure yourself out." A hand came on Alyssea's shoulder, and she looked up from the floor. Lilliana had finished the braid. "Even I'm still changing my plans. I've been getting some good offers for sports teams after high school, so I might not even make it to college." Alyssea's heart settled. That admission might've been exactly what she needed to hear. There was the snap of a camera and then a screen in Alyssea's face. "What do you think?" Lilliana asked. The braid was exactly how Alyssea remembered Lilliana's looking yesterday. Alyssea smiled. "It's pretty. Thank you." |
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“I hope she'll be a fool — that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby