Overdue PV Ruby Closed

*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*

It was a Tuesday afternoon, and like most afternoons, Ruby was studying. She sat at a table in the library, her textbooks and various books to be read stacked neatly on her left. Entirely focused on her work, she missed a friend of hers drawing closer until the Gryffindor bent over and spoke. It startled the Slytherin, although her expression would not betray that fact aside from a slight widening of the eyes. It took her a second to process what the girl had said, the fact that she was here being more important than the words. Ruby had hugely withdrawn during the past year, focusing on her studies, not knowing what to do after the violence of her third year, and avoiding the people she knew. And now Xailah was here.


“Uh– yeah,” she finally responded. Pulling herself together, she continued, “Thank you—I’m sure they’ll be fine, I’m not particularly stressed. I just want to ensure I am beyond adequately prepared. I want nothing less than an O on every O.W.L., since they’re so important for future careers and for N.E.W.T. preparation. Hence the dedicated studying.” A half smile. "It has been awhile, stranger." Ruby’s head bowed slightly in acknowledgement of Xailah’s words. “It has,” she agreed neutrally with a small, apologetic smile. They really were overdue for a chat.

Xailah approaching her like this didn’t really give Ruby much of a choice other than to hear whatever the Gryffindor had to say and apologize for her own time spent alone. Ruby had ended up doing the same thing to her friends that she had hated Ana doing to her a few years ago—purposely avoiding them to “protect” them. The Slytherin had just wanted to be alone, not trusting herself around others with all the emotional turmoil she had been experiencing and the violence into which she dragged those around her. She sighed softly, briefly. “Are you busy? Do you want to sit?” She gestured at a nearby chair. What was there to say? Too much. How to say it? She didn’t know.

*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*

@Ruby Cazares

Ruby's wide-eyed expression stirred at a sentiment of endeared amusement, deep within the Gryffindor. The snakelet always had a way of tickling Xailah's funny bone without meaning to. For someone so reserved and superficially icy as Ruby, expressions outside of her expected range elicited a great deal of enjoyment from someone such as Xailah- who was easily tickled by the unexpected. As a moment of silence stretched between the girls- each one trying to figure out what to make of the other- the lioness tried her best to suppress a small smile.

Reading was a trivial mission now. Thoughts of quiet and books slipped away in Ruby's presence. Although the Gryffindor had initiated conversation, the Slytherin further opened a door of opportunity by returning an answer. It was... a little weird at first- the gradual realization, followed by those first few sentences of scholarly talk- did either truly care about such topics?

Did it matter?

At surface level, no, it did not. But to Xailah, Ruby's willingness to just talk (even about inherently nonsensical things) meant everything. The girl hadn't completely shut her out. She was opening herself up to reconnect. And so, she allowed the first few cracks of a warm grin to spread. "You have always been rather diligent when you set your mind to something." The sorting hat was right to place Ruby in Slytherin, the girl had unmatched determination. As the snake further explained her desire for the highest possible grade in all her OWLs, Xailah let a light laugh slip. "I have no doubt in my mind that you will excel in every subject."

It was impossible to postpone what was to come. No one could postpone an eventuality. Although Ruby displayed a willingness to communicate, Xailah still proceeded with caution- her movements light and methodical, as if she thought anything perceived as sudden would cause the girl to flee. "Busy? Always." The she-cat hummed dismissively before letting out a light chortle, her features softening. It was mostly the truth, she seemed to always be caught up in the midst of one thing or another. Even if she didn't inherently appear "busy" at this given time. "But for you, I can always find time." Graciously, she would accept Ruby's offer to sit, and take a chair adjacent to the girl; near enough to further seek connection, but distant enough to maintain openness.

As she settled in, her soft regard would fall into something slightly solemn. Faking conversation was easy enough, but actually cutting to the chase in a matter like this one would always be the hard part. "I saw you and thought I should come by and say 'hallo'. I just want to know how you have been doing." Xailahs gaze would gravitate down at the table for a moment, scanning all the papers spread across it. "You have been really quiet for... her brow crimped, processing just how long it had been, "well, you know. I just wanted to make sure you are okay."

*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*

“You have always been rather diligent when you set your mind to something. I have no doubt in my mind that you will excel in every subject.” Instinctively, a small smile formed in response to Xailah’s words. It was always nice to have her strengths recognized, especially by someone she respected. “Thank you. I hope that will prove to be the case.” But as pleasant as such praise and confidence felt, was this all Ruby wanted to talk about after all this time? Even if she wanted to keep people at a distance, surely she could manage more interesting conversation than a fairly one-sided discussion of studying and exam scores. Uncertain about what she actually wanted and how to proceed from here, Ruby remained quiet for the most part, merely extending a simple invitation for Xailah to properly join her at the table.

After a brief mention of busyness being constant—Ruby could relate, but sometimes it felt like she might lose herself if she stopped moving and pushing herself ever harder—Xailah accepted the offer with a “But for you, I can always find time.” The words touched the Slytherin more than they perhaps should have, eliciting a sudden rush of affection and a slight twinge of regret. How could she have pushed Xailah away for so long when she had consistently shown Ruby nothing but kindness and loyalty? As the Gryffindor sat down, Ruby took the chance to flip the open book on the table shut, a subtle sign of respect that showed that she intended to give the conversation her full attention.

Unfortunately—or was it?—for Ruby, this increased proximity brought with it increased seriousness, with Xailah asking how she had been doing. For most friends, it would have been a straightforward enough question, easily answered with a summary of what one had been up to or something along those lines, but presently for Ruby and Xailah, it was more complicated. It was an acknowledgment of the time spent apart—the time Ruby had spent avoiding people. Something in the Slytherin’s eyes shifted, the instinctual urge to shut everything out arising against her will. But she had a choice—she could fight that impulse if she really wanted to. A certain sharpness remained in her eyes as her gaze flicked first to Xailah and then straight ahead, silently contemplating what should come next.

Whatever she said now would be absolutely critical. She could continue to push Xailah away, lying and saying that she was fine now, perhaps offering a few apologies and promises that she knew she couldn’t live up to. Or she could be honest. She could invite Xailah back into her life and finally make the choice to stop causing pain to her friends, who didn’t deserve it at all. But being transparent regarding emotions had never been easy for Ruby, and it had only become more difficult over the past year when she had withdrawn so significantly. She was out of practice with socializing, with being a good friend. It had been so long, to the point where she now felt robotic, running various algorithms to find the best solution to this problematic situation. Everything she could say was just another calculation, where she would measure her words and expressions to get the results that she wanted.

She knew she could just pretend, there was no doubt about that. She could come up with excuses, lies slipping out as easily as breathing. But she had changed in the time she took to be alone, and for once, it was somewhat for the better. She was a little older now, and the distance she had placed between herself and everyone else had at least offered her a bit more clarity. And it was most certainly clear that Xailah deserved better. She deserved better than Ruby could ever give her, but the Slytherin owed her an explanation and apology at the very least. She had dragged Xailah firmly into her own messes, even involved her in violence, and then had withdrawn to the point where it was almost like she had vanished, a presence not unlike a ghost in how removed she was from the rest of the living. She had taken Xailah’s loyalty for granted, had called upon her and then left. Some friend she had been.

Why was it that just considering the possibility of being honest felt so hard, though? She supposed it was because it required admitting fault, along with weakness. But as much as she despised being vulnerable in any sense of the word, how she felt about Xailah was stronger than her internal resistance—strong enough to overcome it. Xailah was more important, and for all Ruby’s habitual capriciousness, she didn’t think she would be able to forgive herself if she pushed Xailah away again now, when her friend was expressing this concern for her and showing that despite the bad things Ruby had done, she still cared. At least enough to come talk to her.

Back when Ruby had been bitten by the spiders in her second year and had failed to protect both herself and her friends due to acting too late, she had vowed to always be decisive. Always act. Because even if she made the wrong decision, at least she had done something. There was no room for hesitancy in the face of danger—that was something that had firmly cemented itself as fact in her mind. Soon thereafter, it had become an integral part of how she behaved regardless of the situation, and her confidence in herself meant that she rarely stopped to question whether she had been doing the right thing—although it was doubtful how much she had cared about that in the first place. To her, all that mattered was that she continued to act—never complacent, rarely passive. But excessive self-assurance and a relative lack of conscience paired with explosive, uncontrollable anger was dangerous, and destruction had a certain allure to some of those in pain—an allure Ruby had not resisted. She couldn’t truthfully say she regretted the damage she had caused regarding the people she had physically harmed or been unkind to. She did, however, hope that her actions hadn’t cost her the friendships that she valued.

The seconds stretched on. It was time. Time to finally get over herself and fix some of what she had broken. She rubbed her forehead, exhaling slowly as she committed to the choice she had made—one that was finally objectively the “right”, more moral one. Her voice felt unfamiliar when she did speak, especially since it wavered ever so slightly. “I’m fine, but I’ve been… struggling for the past few years.” Now that this was happening, she didn’t know what to say, what was necessary to include, what was required for the explanation she owed Xailah. Trying to talk about any of this was far more difficult than any anger-fuelled decision had ever been. “After everything that happened in second and third year… it was hard to face friends. If I withdrew and separated myself, then you couldn’t be the one to leave me after what I dragged you into. If I kept to myself, I wouldn’t be able to risk potentially hurting you.” It felt like every quietly-spoken word required fighting some screaming part of herself that insisted on resisting such open honesty every step of the way.

She glanced down at her papers and books before looking at Xailah again. “I didn’t trust myself to be able to keep my cool. I was just lashing out, and so this was my way of… protecting people, I suppose. I focused on my studies instead, both things I was learning in class and my own pursuits, working on the development and improvement of certain magical skills so that I could at least channel that energy into something productive.” She spoke about her feelings as if they were in the past, as if they didn’t exist anymore, as if she was better now. She knew that wasn’t the case at all. The same anger and violent desire burned underneath the surface, still threatening to consume her, but at least she had gained a bit more control over the past year. All that mattered to her now was the ability to mask it just enough to keep it away from her friends.

“I’m sorry.” The words hung in the air, at first mechanically spoken out of a sense of obligation, but she soon realized she meant it. There were still things she couldn’t quite say, but the unspecific apology was the closest she could get to any of that right now. She still hadn’t explained the deeper reasons for the violence and anger, either—that required a degree of honesty with herself and willingness to be open that she didn’t think she could manage—but she had nevertheless managed to be truthful and vulnerable. And, to be sure, she hated it intensely, but she had to trust that it was worth it, reminding herself repeatedly that she was doing this for Xailah, who deserved to receive some truth in exchange for the trouble Ruby had put her through. What Ruby had been able to say, though, was still significantly more than she had ever been able to tell anyone else. After a pause, her chin tilted slightly upward in a subconscious attempt to regain some power and control, eyes a little too hard for the softer tone with which she had spoken. With any luck, though, Xailah would be receptive and Ruby wouldn’t receive more pain for her efforts.

*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*