Purpose solo Closed

The library was always a refuge from reality. Time almost felt slightly to the left. At least, that’s what Katrina always thought. It had been a long time since Katrina had spent a good amount of time in the library. Surrounded by the towering bookshelves, the subtle scent of worn pages and old oak wood, the books slowly making their proper spots on the shelves. Everything was quiet and muffled. Katrina allowed herself to relax and her mind to drift.

Life had been, painfully mundane recently. Always the same thing. Wake up, classes, schoolwork, talking to people. She didn’t even have dueling anymore, having recently left the team. It felt like her purpose was muddled. Whatever drive had kept her going in the past had faded away. She wasn’t hopeless or sad really, like she thought she would without a discernable purpose. She just felt distant and a little numb.

Katrina found a corner of the library near a window and leaned against the sill, eyes tracing the hills. There were some students out there, all seeming to have a purpose. A place to go. A class to attend. Someone to meet. There was a goal, however attainable.

Without someone to care for, someone to protect, a rush of adrenaline, what really was the purpose? Its not like there was nothing, there were plenty of things to strive for. Good grades. Spellcasting. Her forgotten passion for healing. Her art. Her friends that, at current, felt painfully distant. It just didn’t appeal anymore. There wasn’t that ever burning fire that kept her trying her best, striving for something better or stronger or kinder.

This whole year almost seemed like Katrina wasn’t quite herself. She felt like someone different, but she didn’t know who she felt like. Going through life in second-hand motions. She continued to do the things she needed to do, but it didn’t feel like she was just quite herself most of the time. There was so little significant about the thing she was doing, there were even weeks she couldn’t recall something memorable.

Katrina sighed, realizing where her thoughts were going and not wanting to get caught in that dangerous trap. Thoughts like that, mulling it over, it led to bad things. It wasn’t like she wasn’t addressing her feelings, she was, she just knew that getting too caught on those particular ones would never lead to helping the feelings go away or at least lessen them.

Purpose. A reason why. That’s what Katrina needed. She needed a reason that wasn’t dependent on someone else being in trouble. She needed a reason for herself. Why? Why continue to put in the effort if it wasn’t for herself. She continued to do schoolwork because she wanted to feel qualified. But why? To make others impressed? That wasn’t a great reason to do much of anything. It did the job, but Katrina now wanted to do things for her.

At that moment, Katrina made the decision to do things for her. Not for anyone else anymore. Katrina would do schoolwork to help her feel proud of herself. Katrina would help others not because she felt obligated to, but rather she wanted to. Katrina would pursue passions and interests because she knew those made her happy.

A while longer Katrina spent roaming the aisles of the library, trying to make this moment memorable, not one that got so easily lost in time. This would be a turning point. It would bring purpose back to her life. Maybe she didn’t have a goal right now or feel like herself again, but at least she was doing the things she was for some reason.

For herself.