For the love of God, don't sleep. It's finals week! Sleeping is the last thing you should worry about. As is eating. Hell, forget about breathing as well because all you should be doing the coming days and nights is studying!

I have to write about emotions for a class... but I don't have any.

Then just don't write anything. Simple fix
My hair is too short!

It’s all relative: shrink your head.

I’m going to Spain this summer. Alone. Don’t know any Spanish. Help me, amigos.

Don't speak. Have staring contests with them and speak telepathically.
I am coincidentally also going to Spain this summer so if anyone would like to help me as well that would be great amigos.

My dog has learned how to open doors. He is following me to work as we speak and I am scared for my life. Please help.

Just get rid of your dog
please nobody ever hurt a dog or get rid of a dog if you don't have to, dogs are amazing animals
My mom keeps reading all my texts and its soooo annoying

Write a bunch of bad stuff about your mom on your messages so she gets mad at you! If she doesn’t want to see you and you keep your phone with you at all times, there is no problem!

My brother won’t tell me which girl he likes!

Just turn your brother gay, then he won't like any girls

My little sister won't stop punching me

Punch her and knock her out

My dog is sitting on my foot and I want to get up...

Just stand up on your dog. That'll teach him.

This boy keeps talking to me and I don't want to talk to him

Growl at him to assert your dominance and he will leave you alone in no time!

My friend is acting really weird lately. How do I help?