Just wear underwear! You'll freeze and be on fire at the same time!

Every time I cry, I shed glitter.

(Lol, that's not how it works. xD)
Sell your tears as the new health drink, Sappy Sparkles^™ (And give 90% of whatever you earn to Arran M.)

My skin is peeling off, I can see the tissue underneath.

Pick up the bits of skin and tape them back on. Yes, TAPE them back on. 

I'm addicted to this site. 

Stay addicted. Never get off!

My wings are shedding feathers.

Give yourself up to science experiments because you have wings in the first place. And then give me your feathers so I can sell them.

I went exploring in an abandoned building in the middle of nowhere with no cellphone reception and got stuck in an elevator.

Apparate out, duh. Doesn't matter if you can't apparate. Have fun getting yourself splinched. It doesn't hurt at all. Of course not.

I have agoraphobia which means I'm afraid of people (or at least places with many people, but people sounds weirder. Sorry to all people who really have agoraphobia.)

Be the most abnoxious and clingy person in the world, touching everyone and whispering in their ear like a weird ASMR video.

I found out that I'm highly allergic to water.

Come on, take a drink (water), that will help.

I have a panic attack because I TOUCHED A PERSON!! Ahhh!

Do you want a hug?

Both of my eyes fell out, and I can't find them.

Go looking for them.

I'm addicted to ice cream and milkshakes.