FIN Shopping, Sobbing, and Sketches pv: S.Kohana & K.Paine

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This was going oh so horribly wrong. Was it a mistake to accept the strangers offer. He thought he could keep it all in. Just give crumbs enough so the other would be satisfied enough. But here he was, making the other uncomfortable and he doesn't know when to stop. This is what happened when he got too confident. When he feels like he could tell his troubles. It would only burden others.

Simply motivated to make it easier for the other stranger, Sara desperately tried to take deep breaths. Taking a silent minute just trying to remember how to breathe. Trying to tune out the creeping thoughts that demanded attention. He managed to steel himself .. somewhat. He took his hands off of his face and placed them on his lap. Though his gaze was unable to meet the others. In fear it might've looked a little teary.

" He.. said it..himself. T-to someone else. That he ..." his voice trailed off. Remaining tense. His voice almost sounded clipped, like each word was forced out and simplified in the best way possible. Or at least he tried. Any more details and he feared it would get too much again. By this time he knew he should just shut up, but intead, he asked another question.

. " ... do you know how to tell .. when... when someone is.. telling the truth?"

@Kit Paine

He said it himself? Kit thought, wondering what, exactly, the boy had said and why. Wording and intention was always important, he found, as well as the circumstances and context surrounding the dialogue. But since he hadn't been there to hear it himself and he dared not ask exactly what had been said for fear of accidentally making the youth recount things he did not care to recount, Kit tried a different tact. Giving the teen a sympathetic look, he hesitantly got up to stand in front of him and went to hold out his arms slightly, offering a hug if the young man chose to take it.

"Sometimes, we can't even tell if we're telling the truth to ourselves," the artist told the student in melancholy tones. The sound was strangely uncharacteristic of someone who was almost constantly grinning. But he wasn't grinning then. "And if we can't tell even ourselves the truth, how can we hope to be sure others aren't lying to themselves as well?"

Kit knew quite well just how easy it was to lie to oneself and, conversely, just how difficult it was to be honest. He wondered if perhaps there hadn't been a case of someone having said something the hadn't quite meant out loud, pressured by the heat of the moment for some reason or other.

@Sara Kohana

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Sara lifted his head only a little as he saw the other got out from his chair. For a split second Sara thought he was going to leave. Which would've been understandable, considering where the conversation was headed. But much to the youngers boy's surprised, he didn't. In fact, Sara was a little slow in realising what the outstretched arm was for. His pose stiffened for a moment. What sort of person was this to offer something like that so willingly to a stranger who did nothing but burden him with some teenage relationship issue? His country would've looked down on such displays. Hugs were among friends and more often - people who are way closer. Yet here he was. A stranger who had been nothing but soft to Sara. And the japanese boy couldn't even muster the focus to ask for his name. He looked at the outstretched arm for a moment, for a second almost leaning towards it.

But in the end, he stopped himself. Pulling away as if it may burn him. Predicting that it would make him at a worse spot. With evident guilt, he shaked his head, with a slight bow in apology.

He wiped a stray tear that threatened to fall from his eye. Meeting their gaze as if searching for an answer. " why.. why would.. anyone want to ..go that far.. lying to themselves..? That just.. confuses. people.. . I thought everything was.. going well.. until.. it wasn't - according to him- and now I don't even know what to believe.."

@Kit Paine

Kit could see the way the young man wanted to hug him; could see his obvious hesitance. But he could also see the invisible force holding him back - the force that ultimately won out along with his doubt. However, at least he got himself to finally meet the painter's gaze as he asked him a question. He smiled sadly once again, lowering his arms but remaining where he was standing in front of the other.

"Sometimes they don't want to. Sometimes it's just instinctive. And sometimes they don't even realize they're doing it. Because they do it to try to protect themselves from the truth, which often scares them for some reason or other."

He wanted to reach out and pat his head or his shoulder or something...but didn't want to do so if he didn't feel comfortable with it just then. So he continued to leave him be.

"You know...it may be that he doesn't know what to believe, either," Kit remarked, thinking. He couldn't be sure, but he wondered if the other young man was feeling just as distraught as this one was just then. Some were better at hiding it than others, though, he knew. Even from themselves. He could have just been in denial if he thought he was okay. Humans were complicated that way.

@Sara Kohana

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Despite his eyes stinging still, Sara's incoming tears halted for a moment that he only had to wipe a few away. Focused instead on the words this stranger was saying. Sara had at some point thought his and Yami's differences was what made them a good team. He always had some sort of explanation for what he did, and Sara nodded and listened. At least that's what he said before. " ....thats.. a lot of possibilities.." he mumbled, trying to regain control of his breath.

Sara had been so focused on what he himself didn't understand. It wasn't until hearing the strangers words that he considered that perhaps .. it wasn't Sara that didn't understand something. That maybe Yami might have been as lost as Sara was. A thought he had never really considered. He suddenly recalled Yami's particular words when they first decided to date. Talking about how he admitted he had reasons for his actions, but didn't know what exactly they might be. At the time, Sara only thought that Yami was saying that to be humble. And even eventually thought he only said that to manipulate Sara more. But now that the artist had shown a different perspective, the thought really, only made the tears threaten to come back again. Helplessness etched on his features at a past that couldn't be change. Even if this was something new to consider, they both had said words they couldn't take back.

"... I- Im not.. sure what to believe either.." he said through gritted teeth, his tone laced with a confusing concoction of guilt, frustration and confusion.

@Kit Paine

Since Sara was actually looking Kit in the eye, Kit took advantage and held his gaze.

"What do you want to believe?" he asked.

"Sometimes - in a world where anything is possible - what you want to believe is all that matters. Because that is what you will make into reality."

He moved to snatch up his paintbrush, wet it in his paint water, picked up his canvas, and finished the last touches on his painting. "Take it from someone who has to work with blank canvases every day. They have the potential to turn into any kind of painting...but it's the painting you make on it with your time, effort, passion, and patience that turns it into what you want. So...do you know what you want?"

Kit frequently looked from his painting to Sara and back again. "No one could blame you if you don't. Very few do. And you're young. These things take time." Picking up more paint with his brush, he added a bit more color here, some highlights there, some shadows down there, his signature...and then it was finished.

Dropping his paintbrush into his paint water cup, he blew on the painting to allow it to dry and mentally performed a small spell on it to animate it. Then he turned around the canvas to present it to the Japanese student.

@Sara Kohana

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Contrary to what the others wish in making the teen calm down - it did not work ( not that Sara knew about it ). It felt a lot more like playing ping pong. While sara was struggling to even hit the ball every round, the other knew how to angle it precisely in a way to direct saras attention with intention. And with the question he threw at him - as simple as it was, made Sara so stunned his eyes widened visibly. Like a light shock of memories just pierced through him and his brain could hardly keep up with processing them individually. And then he sobbed, naturally. Anyone passing by might have assumed the taller man was bullying him.

The glass of water finally tipped, and all it's contents spilled. Sara really only had his hands to cover the tears streaks running down his face. His whole mind screamed for him to clam up, quiet down, and be silent. Stop making not just the stranger, but everyone else around him uncomfortable. But somehow with the artists words repeating in his head, like a beacon in a foggy sea - was luring out something Sara had unintentionally pushed down. Underneath all that blame, resentment, and guilt for not knowing better or not doing enough, there was something that spurred Sara's body to react faster than his mind did.

Eventually, Sara - despite his face being messed up from the sobbing, managed to slow down as he noticed the painter showing his canvas. Sniffing back his sobs slightly, quickly wiping away excess tears before speaking weakly. " That's.. me.." he stated, almost unsure.

It was a sketch of him, as promised. Yet there was something in it he didn't see often in photos. Something .. raw.

" Did...did you...want to draw me this way..?"

@Kit Paine

When the young man finally broke down into sobs, Kit looked concerned at first before smiling softly, sitting back down beside him, and reaching out to lightly rub his back. It was probably good for him to let it all out. It didn't seem like he'd had a chance to do that since his negative feelings had started to accumulate in the first place; perhaps because he hadn't really felt like he could talk to anyone about it. He seemed the sort to not want to burden people with his own problems and thus would not tell them about them unless they asked. Kit could understand that, but he also felt terrible for those people because so few ever bothered to ask them about their problems. Those that did and ended up with results like the crying teenager before him often mistook it for a bad thing and thought it was best to avoid talking on the subject any longer. But the artist was glad the student had finally managed to let go of his feelings and hoped he could release them in the form of his tears.

"Listen," he spoke tenderly, "People tend to think the worst of themselves. I have a feeling you know that better than most. And it might not show, but if that person really cares about you like you care about him, I bet he feels pretty bad about what he said or did. In fact, he might be too ashamed to be around you right now or even to try to apologize no matter how much he might want to. He might not dare even try to earn your forgiveness because he might not think he deserves it."

Kit stared at his painting supplies without really seeing them, his eyes distant as his mind was lost in thought. "Now, I could be going out on a limb here with this guy of yours. After all, you probably know him better than I do. But I think that it's important to keep in mind that because people are hardest on themselves, sometimes they need someone else to remind them that they have good qualities, too - qualities that can outshine their bad ones. And that merely having bad ones or even doing bad things doesn’t necessarily make them bad people. Sometimes people have their reasons. And sometimes people just make mistakes."

He continued to rub the kid's back if he hadn't pulled away or otherwise showed any other sign of disliking the attempt to comfort him. After a pause to allow his words to sink in, Kit continued, "Because people tend to be hardest on themselves, they have a difficult time forgiving themselves for mistakes they make. And we may not be able to do that for them because they’re the only ones who can forgive themselves. But sometimes we can try to encourage them into taking the first step by forgiving them ourselves. If we think we can, anyway. Do you think you can forgive him? Or do you think he's beyond forgiving?"

Patting the young man's shoulder, he dropped his arm to start putting his art supplies away. "You don’t have to answer that now. But it’s just something to think about. You seem like a deep thinker. I’m sure you’ll figure things out in your own time."

When the Japanese student seemed to notice the painting of himself that Kit had offered him, the artist's smile broadened. The painting showed the intensity of the young man's gaze and the painter had tried to capture his ethereal beauty as best as he could, but it was his expression that was most striking - a melancholy, self-depreciating smile as the painting gave its original subject a timid little wave. It held in that smile all the raw vulnerability of someone who struggled to be themselves from day to day, but managed to endure the hardships they faced on their own that no one else could see with an unspoken strength as they bravely did their best to do so and improve bit by bit however they could.

The young man asked Kit if he wanted to draw him that way and the artist chuckled softly as he gave the kid a big grin. "Yes," he answered confidently. "I don't consider a painting finished until it turns out how I wanted it to turn out. I work on it until it gets where I want it to be. Just like a relationship. It's not over until you decide to give up on it for good. That's why what you want matters the most - whether you think it's worth still investing your time, effort, and emotion in, or whether you think it's best to just cut your losses and try to move on. It's your choice." He tried to peer into the young man's face. "You don't like it? It's fine if you don't. I can paint a different side of you if you prefer." He smiled fondly back at the painting. "I just really liked this side I glimpsed."

@Sara Kohana

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Even if Sara did his best to control his sobbing, he was listening as attentively as he could. The stranger continued to speak softly. Some parts of his sentences made Sara;s throat tighten or another tear fall out of his eye. But he didn't dare interrupt. Appreciating the gentle pauses in between enough to process it and get ready to listen more. Even if the other seemed to ask a few questions, something in Sara told him he wouldn't mind if he didn't get an answer. In fact, Sara would've guessed that the other avoided asking direct questions that required answers. Likely getting a sense that Sara wasn't in the best state to really respond to anything.

While Sara allowed the words to sink in, he allowed the same grace to the memories that resurfaced. Each one he had been scanning answers from helplessly, of what he missed or what he lacked. Instead now, he allowed them to see it the way he felt it. Happy. Contrary to the silent cries he continued to show. Like the way Ginyami looked when they broke up. Sara tried to forget it because he couldn't trust it. After all, he didn't even trust himself so how could he know what was real or not. Blinded by his own hurt, and only now he allowed himself the possibilities that the other suggested. That they were both hurting.

At the others answer about the drawing, Sara shaked his head. . "no.. uh.. C-can I.. is it okay if I keep it? im sorry if you .. wanted to keep it. I- I can model for you again whenever if you.. if you want a sketch.. of your own but... I just.." he looked at the drawing again, for the first time in a while - feeling like he was seeing something else than what he ususally sees in the mirror. "... I.. I love it. so much.." he whispered weakly, sounding for the first time in a while - hopeful.

@Kit Paine

Sara's question elicited a chuckle from Kit. "I'm flattered you like it enough to want to keep it. And I would be honored if you would," he said with a wink. "Something tells me you don't keep a lot of pictures of yourself around. So it means a great deal that you want to keep this one. Please, have it."

Just as he was finishing up the last of his packing away supplies, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card, offering it to Sara. "I'm Kit," he offered with a bow as he picked up his bag. "Thank you for talking with me and listening to me today. If you ever want someone to talk to - or even just another painting, heh - feel free to contact me any way you like. All of my info should be on that card. I'm always happy to hear from a friend. If you'd be willing to think of me as a friend, that is. No pressure, hehe."

Kit remembered his days as Hogwarts' caretaker trying to be something of a school counselor by being available during certain office hours for anyone to come talk to him about anything. He missed it somewhat and wished he could help more kids like this teenager, but that had been harder when he'd had that to do on top of his duties as the school's caretaker. Now he couldn't talk to as many students as often, but it was nice to think he could still try to help people every now and then if they allowed him to try - even just by lending an ear and maybe some advice in the way he had tried to do with the Japanese student.

@Sara Kohana