Why didn't you throw the knives at them in the first place? Get rid of them nasty pests! just kidding please don't actually do that

My pen is covered in gooey stuff.

BURN IT IN HOLY FIRE!!!!!

My speakers are on the fritz, what do I do?

Throw them off the roof!

My friend's curry has spilt all over me on the train, what do I do?!

Accept the curry into your life as a valued friend and confidant, perhaps name it too.

I don't remember someone's name, what should I do?

Burst into their house while wearing a badly-made costume and talk like some type of wacky waving arms man or something

I can't remember my lines in a script. What should I do?

You should do the dance of the rain gods and flood out the theater so you get an extra few weeks to prepare while they deal with the water damage.

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I locked my bag and keys in the car. What should I do?

Take someone else’s car to buy yourself a new bag.

How do I get rid of the ants in my kitchen?

You should train them to cook instead, and make a restaurant called Tiny's run by you and the ants. You can pay them in scraps.

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I've been cornered by a crazy guy. What should I do?

Start chanting "Booga Booga" or some silly chant over and over again until he leaves, thinking you are crazy too.

My water dispenser spilled all over the kitchen floor. What should I do?

Build the next Ark and sail out of your kitchen before the real flood comes.

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I failed a geometry test and my parents will be furious if they see the grade. What should I do?