The Blade and the Grindstone PV Closed

The two friends had very different understandings of what a monster was. Kaegen saw a monster as something that people feared. He directly connected the fear of monsters with the monsters themselves. If you feared something, then that something was probably a monster. A monster was a feared, predatory beast, it was a creature that could cause harm, it was a creature people knew could cause harm. When he called himself part monster, it was not a darker mindset labeling himself something wretched, but rather an acknowledgement of his own power.

He was proud to be a monster, proud to be something strong enough to inspire fear in others. He was proud to be different, and it was maybe just a little bit because he wanted to have a good reason for his lack of friends. He didn't see that as the reason, and it certainly didn't make up the entire reason, but it was a secret sore spot. Especially since Eris had drifted off. Kaegen wasn't evil, not really. He was dangerous, sure. But not evil. He was sliding down the slippery slope of darkness, moving a few feet farther down every day, but he had yet to actually plunge into the waters. You could only hate for so long until it started to consume you.

Eris said that she could make her powers like his, but Kaegen had his doubts. She didn't smell anything like him, she didn't act anything like him. She had always been different, and now she was even more different. She was still her, but she wasn't completely her. Kaegen mulled that over, trying to decipher more or less what he was thinking, trying to distill it into a form he could understand.

"Really? Your powers don't seem very similar to mine"

Kaegen looked down at his dull claws, felt the gaps in his gums with his tongue. They were very much a part of him, he couldn't change that. Did shifting your outer appearance match up? He wasn't even entirely convinced that was what his friend was doing. Simple illusions might also be the culprit behind her mysterious power, he didn't know, and didn't care. Hers was a useful gift, no matter how you sliced it.

Kaegens eyes went dark, then normal, then dark again, pupils rapidly convulsing. He could feel his breath getting caught in his throat. His fingers kept tensing until his fingernails dug too deep for him to bear, and even then, he didn't stop squeezing, he just didn't apply any extra pressure after that. He didn't move, but simply stared with wild eyes that danced and screamed. He could feel a tear welling up, red and angry. One of his clenched hands furiously scratched at his neck before snapping back down to his side.

He was in shock, disoriented, off balance. When he opened his mouth to speak, he didn't do much more than breathe the words, as if saying them out loud would make them somehow worse, as if saying them quietly might make them untrue, might get rid of the horrible truth that had eaten it's way into Kaegen's heart and mind, which were both in the process of shattering.

"You... lost."

His friend, Eris. Eris had lost, she had failed. So that was what had happened. They had been friends, then she had gotten too good for him, and moved up. And now she had been defeated, and was back. Back to his level. The little girl had been like a god for such a long time, he hated this realization for existing, and he hated his brain for realizing it.

She was trapped, yelled at, bossed around. If she didn't obey, she would die. Head on the chopping block. She was a servant, a slave to others. No longer wild, no longer free. Her story had ended, someone had taken it from her.

"I tried so hard, so hard to make my story equal to yours. And now..."

The little boy started to shake, started to lose control. He couldn't handle it, couldn't focus on anything, couldn't direct his mind.

"For behold there are only two sorts of beasts in this world, Kaegen. For behold there are only two of anything that matters, for behold one eats and the other is eaten. That is the law the unknown has given us, and it is the law we follow"

An old lesson, recited by a boy who was regretting having ever remembered it.

"If you couldn't make it, then how could I?"

Kaegen let himself fall limp, he had placed too much stock in stories, in who was free. He thought too highly of the dynamics usually exclusive to nature, dynamics that man had long ago risen above. He saw what he saw, and heard what he heard, and gave up. If Eris Fawley couldn't make it, why did he think himself capable? If his friend, if the person he used to see as an inferno of warmth and safety and power and personality, couldn't keep her own story, then there was no way he could keep his own.

It was then that his eyes were completely covered in black. He was hungry, starved. And he was going to feed. It was the hunger that was in control, Kaegen had given up, left the wheel alone and empty. Unopposed. The room suddenly froze, the lights flickered a panicked warning as twisting, curling, churning shadows started to grow longer, started to move towards the little ravenclaw boy. His body stiffened, his mouth opened wide, fangs extended.

And then he lunged.

“That’s because they take whatever shape I want.” Eris answered, shrugging her shoulders. She had spent a lot of time learning how to control her powers. It had started simple, with just changing her hair over and over again. Pink and blue, green and pink. Over and over again, whatever colors fit whatever outfit she was using best. Then it was facial features, and so forth. Eris’ magic took on whatever form she wanted. It was a conscious thing. There was no definitive way that her powers looked. Eris didn’t even know what her powers were like, because everytime she used her metamorphmagus abilities, they came out differently. Perhaps she could have powers like Kaegen, if she willed herself to look like him. At least she’d have the fangs and the nails.

Lost. You lost. The words echoed in Eris’ head like a chant, as her cheeks turned scarlet from indignation, as Eris shut her eyes tightly, suddenly afraid of the look in Kaegen’s eyes. It wasn’t the usual one of darkness, it was rage. Pure rage. Eris raised an eyebrow, forcing her eyes open at his next words.

“Equal to mine? I don’t- I don’t think that’s a good idea?” Eris blinked, confusion showing on her face. “Everyone has issues and stories of their own-” She muttered, sliding away from Kaegen, who was shaking like a rabid animal.

Then he was saying random words, a statement Eris didn’t even understand or agree with.”That’s not exactly true. There’s a lot of different-” She trailed off, rubbing at her her neck awkwardly. His words echoed in her head, burning in shame. Something kept her from yelling, the sense that something was wrong. Even when he was shrouded in darkness, Eirs had not been afraid. But, now, there was a tingling sensation of worry in the air. And, being someone who had got her ass handed to her so many times, Eris trusted that sense of worry.

Everything froze, and it wasn’t like before. It wasn’t just the silence of sad shadows that Eris knew too well. There was something heated in the darkness, in the discontent. Eris raised an eyebrow, preparing herself. Hand digging into her pocket, readying herself to use magic, Eris held one hand tightly on her wand. The other hand in the air. He lunged, and she slapped Kaegen’s face with all her limited strength, pain spiralling through Eris’ already hurt hand. She groaned, preparing to roll away from the attack, if he did not halt.

Did..did he just have the nerve to insult her feelings that Eris refused to share with anyone, and then show willingness to attack her, straight-up? Whatever was going on with Kaegen, it wasn’t fair. To attack her for trying, to assume Eris was weak because she was broken. Perhaps Eris was just not understanding of his mind, but she was past thinking. Eris had made herself vulnerable and gotten ridiculed for it. And, Kaegen was lunging at her. Eris took a deep breath, and then decided against even bothering to take another calming breath at all.

The redhead readied herself, and even under the circumstances, an exasperated groan slipped from Eris’ lips. “HAVE YOU NEVER READ A BOOK?” Eris roared loudly, hoping to silence the blood rushing to her face and the roaring in her ears, as she stared at Kaegen, rage heating her cheeks to a crimson colour. “WE ARE THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERY SINGLE GOD IN THE GREEK PANTHEON.” Her family was very into Greek mythology, and it sounded cooler to mention a million gods, instead of just one. “Nobody has made it yet! We’re going through goddamn craptastic struggles, and I don’t need you to attack me or get into some depressive bullshit spiral! I didn’t lose anything! Because I’m breaking the goddamn rules, aren’t I?” Eris snapped again, “I’m talking to you, I’m cursing, I’m clearly NOT prim and proper with my hands all bruised up. It’s little goddamn fricking steps, so if you’re able to get your head out of your arse and not kill me, things would be A LOT better for the both of us.” Eris realized she had said goddamn a lot, decided nothing of it, and kept talking.

Sure, she felt doomed and terrible. But in the heat of being accused of feeling that way, Eris would adamantly deny it; deny her own pathetic-ness. There was not going to be a heartfelt sob fest, clearly. So, she screwed her face up into a scowl and barreled forward, no longer trusting her judgement, but going forward on pure emotion, letting her mouth shape and form whatever words rose up, quickly and untamable.

“While I said I couldn’t break the rules, it doesn’t mean that I won’t. Did I not just say that I had to follow my grandad’s rules when I was in his house? Is Hogwarts his house? No. It freaking isn’t.” Eris retorted, before shaking her head. “ I was TRYING TO EXPLAIN MY EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS. I feel hopeless, but that doesn’t mean that I am. I just don’t have a plan. Yet, okay. And, besides. I move out in a few years.” Even though she doubted her own words, Eris kept speaking, kept rationalizing and trying to set Kaegen at ease. Mostly because he was using his own fangs against her. Suddenly, her own words made sense. Yes. Why was she so nervous of her grandfather, when she was at Hogwarts and he was at home?

“Anyways, back onto the story thing. Every single book, story, movie, or whatever the hell kind of entertainment you have in the Fens.. they all have a part where the hero is struggling. There’s always a moment of defeat, where it feels like the villain will win. But, they’re villains. They don’t win.” She spoke with rising conviction, not for herself, but for the endless books and novels that had carried Eris through the harrowing childhood that had been so difficult. That conviction slipping into her tone, making Eris’ words carry, her whole posture righting herself, as if she had been just waiting to bring up this point, her grin grew.

“And, why the hell are you asking me about how you could make it? Of course you can make it. You’re Kaegen Deathmote, the boy who the whole school fears. The one and only person capable of scaring me, when you’re lunging at me with your goddamn fangs. You’re stronger than you think. Even if I don’t make it, you’ll be able to. Don’t tie yourself down to me, Kaegen. Friends can be strong without their friends. Besides, I’m going to make it. I’m going to be an auror and get far away from all the stupidity of my family. If it gets bad, all I have to do is change my face. I’m a freaking metamorphmagus.”

He had lost, for the first time in his life Kaegen had truly lost his drive. Kaegen wasn't widely known as a Dhampir, oddly enough. His terrifying nature went a bit beyond that, enough to make most view him as simply a monster, something that couldn't be explained as easily as "Half-Vampire". He hadn't tasted blood in so, so long. But he had retained his mind, he had kept hold of his sanity by virtue of ridiculous tunnelvision, dogged determination that shattered the expectations of what a 13 year old should realistically be able to do. Determination and goal gone, there was nothing keeping him in check, not really.

Words were not going to reach the little boy, who was feeling like the inside of a deep, dark hole. He felt like life had won, life had finally triumphed over Kaegen Deathmote, and life was laughing. It was mocking him, pocking fun at his limp frame, that was in reality launching itself at his friend. Kaegen wasn't even really aware of this, he was too absorbed with the feeling of all consuming hollowness. It was cold, a cold he didn't like. But for some reason, he didn't seem to be able to do anything about it.

He had fought all his life, done battle with things that shouldn't exist, fought things that didn't exist, and on rare occasions even fought monsters that were very real. Kaegen didn't know what peace felt like, could count how many times he had felt safe in his life on his digits, easily. Without even coming close to the toes. Even when he was beaten by something stronger, he had never really given up, his mind had always moved forward, always plotted onwards to the next encounter. Now it didn't. It had stopped.

If his friend hadn't reacted the way she did, the story would have played out very differently, and so much worse. It would have played out with a prolonged fight, with a scuffle, with shed blood. But the slap was stinging, it sent the boy reeling, and the shock of what had happened pulled him out of defeat enough to think, to realize. To look at his shocked friend, and realize that he had just been slapped. Why had his friend hit him, what had he done?

It took him a second after that, of dumbfounded staring his friend in the face, to realize what exactly had happened. Or at least for him to piece together what probably happened. He had always known he could slip, but it hadn't been on the forefront of his mind. The possibility that he could lose control existed, to be sure, but it wasn't a possibility he had explored much. He had lost, he had given up, and then he was gone.

When Eris started to shout at him, he tried to listen, he tried to care, to understand. But his heart wasn't in it, his ears registered the words but didn't know what to do with them. He didn't care about the words, he just wanted to stop existing, to be gone, to find that hole and slip inside. He heard her tell him that she hadn't lost, that she was breaking the rules, but he didn't believe her. Her hands were bruised and her hair was dusty because she had been hitting things, not because of who she was. She smelled so very, very different. She smelled not of chaos and avenging, of city streets and little scrapes, but of soap and laundry. Of house elves and stuffy pure bloods.

Your smell didn't just change. It changed when you did. When you changed your lifestyle, who you were. That may not have been entirely true, but it was what Kaegen believed. And even though Eris was still at least a little bit herself, she was still clearly very, very different. She was someone else, she had lost something of herself.

But worse than all of that was the fact that she had been trying to ask for support. For someone to listen to her feelings, and he had fallen apart. That became clear very fast, and it hurt. Like a dagger piercing his middle. He actively winced, and although the bit about the villains didn't make sense, because if that was true there wouldn't be any villains, and the bit about the arse didn't make any sense, because heads couldn't fit up there, unless they were really small heads, he was still lucid enough to receive a second stabbing, this time in the form of his friend saying how strong he was.

She was making him out to be great, but there he lay, stunned, standing on shaky legs, hands hanging limp, as he struggled to keep a hold of anything, and found himself utterly unable. Kaegen was too much of a crumbling ruin to do much of anything without something firm to hold on to, without a solid grasp on a goal, or a person, or anything. She thought he was great and powerful and he had just proved her wrong. On so many levels.

"I can't. I don't want to. I've lost, I'm done. And please, just, cover up that blood. I don't want to fight it. I clearly can't."

His hand slid up to touch his cheek, where he's been slapped. He could still smell the blood, and the shock was wearing off. He just had to think about something else, but why? For the sake of hate?

Kaegen could only run so far, fight so much. He was only human, and he was done.

Eris did her best to dab the blood coating her hands off, eventually just jamming her hands into her pockets. She wasn’t really angry anymore, just confused. Everything about Kaegen was strange, but Eris had thought that she’d learned how to navigate through his strange mannerisms. For a moment, it had seemed like she had been able to get through to him. But, Kaegen was a vampire. He was changed from their friendship in their first year, and something she had said had shattered him. Maybe their year apart had done to Kaegen what it had done to Eris. Turned the other friend into something of a martyr, of a person to think wistfully about. Nothing more than that, really. When you hardly spoke to someone, it was hard to remember anything besides what you liked most about them. Or, if you had a negative connotation with them, then all you could remember what was so terribly bad about them, just as Eris had done with Ami.

So, as Eris stared at Kaegen, gears in her mind trying to work together to handle the terrible circumstance she had found herself in, she frowned and went silent. Eris wasn’t the smartest when she was excited. Certainly, she was smart. Smart enough, at least. She was able to think and figure things out, but that was only when her emotions did not get in the way. She thought with her heart, not her head. And so, any thought would often fade away, in lue of anger and rambling. It was something that Eris was well versed in. But, now she actually had to think. The situation had turned away from one that Eris could even attempt to just ramble her way through. As the white-hot nagging of anger vanished away from Eris’ brain, there was nothing left to keep her going. All she had now were her wits and fast-thinking. Both of which were ideal skills that would help with the-

“No.” Eris blurted out, and then it was suddenly apparent that she was not going to use her brain. Nevermind. Impulsivity won out against reason, a typical fight that reason often lost. Again. But, she didn’t have to think about traditionally smart options to aid in whatever was going on. For a girl of 13, Eris had seen enough of the cruelties of the world to be considered wise. Or at least, wise in her own mildly egotistical eyes. Sighing and sliding to a seated position again, the forming bruises on her hands aching in protest as Eris put both hands against the ground to lower herself back onto the cold stone of the room. She kept her distance from Kaegen, making it apparent that he was more than welcome to come closer if he wanted by patting the ground by her side and shrugging once.

His words made just as little sense as her words had meant to him. But, unlike Kaegen, she wasn’t drowning in of self-doubt. Her own statements having been made, however brashly and inaptly, Eris was now focused upon her saddened friend. Eris herself had felt down and low her own fair share of times. Her whole second year had been spent moping and wandering around, unhappily distracting herself by acting like a manic. It was just shocking to see Kaegen, who always seemed so above mortal emotions like self-doubt to be sad. Eris had always seen him as her rock, as that impenetrable force of steadiness and support. Although, he was a bit less firm than a rock. Although Kaegen would never want to be known as such, and Eris would never state her feelings to him, but Eris had always seen him as a person to turn towards for comfort. However strange his advice would be, it felt nice to be appreciated. Which, was why this whole moment stung so much. It didn’t feel all that great to have Kaegen unable to be there for it. But, it was also a realization that Eris should have been there for him. And she was trying to be there for him now, however shoddy her own advice and words were. She wasn’t able to make a conversation better by randomly gifting a red knitted scarf.

So, instead of professing friendship through a scarf, Eris kept on speaking. “No.” She repeated, tone more severe this time. “You are Kaegen Deathmote. Fens born scarf wielder. You are the friend of Eris. You are not Kaegen Deathmote, He who gave up.” Eris stated promptly, “You are not lost. You are not done. You can do whatever you want. You do not want to give up, really. You are not a coward. Do you remember in our first year, when we stopped talking for a long time because I was hurt? I had lost then, just as I have now. But, I got over it. And, so did you.”Eris shrugged her shoulders, thinking for a moment. The fact he couldn’t handle himself around her blood scared Eris. Wasn’t that a vampire thing? Needing blood so you didn’t lose control?

“If you need blood, why don’t you ask the house elves to like.. Give you the blood from the steak and stuff? They have a kitchen. I saw it on the map.” Eris didn’t really know how someone could get blood from food. But, she’d heard vaguely about how some people liked their steak bloody. So, that meant there was blood from steak. And, if anyone had it, it would be the house-elves in the kitchen that existed somewhere in the basements. Eris hadn’t bothered to explore the kitchens. It was a fricking Kitchen. What would she even do in one? She couldn’t cook. Nor could most evil people. She hardly expected to find an evil madman cooking steak in the kitchen, with an apron and everything. That just seemed laughably stupid.

Eris’s hands crinkled upon the singular wrapper in her robe pocket, aware that it was a stark change from the usual handful of sweets that could be found in the dark chasm of Eris’s pockets. But, as her hands enclosed upon the wrapper, Eris also had another idea. “Or those blood lollipops they sell in Honeydukes. I thought they were a gag gift for annoying family members, but maybe that can work too. Dunno.” She didn't have much more to add to the conversation, lasping off into silence as she kept absently playing with the wrapper to distract herself.

Kaegen knew very few things, and even those things he did think he knew were rather hazy. Take, for example, Eris. Kaegen knew logically that he shouldn't put his faith in her, or trust her, based on the fact that she had entirely forgotten about him for so long he had forgotten she existed. That was all well and good, however she was still his friend. There wasn't much he could do, his heart had firmly made up it's mind that Eris was a friend and logic simply wasn't going to get in the way of that.

When Eris said no, Kaegen simply stopped. He accepted that that was it, that was a no, and so he was done. If Grandfather told him to stop crying, then he did, he had to. Kaegen was used to following orders, following orders and hiding made up most of his early life, trying to navigate twisted rules and tests set out by a house elf that did not hold the little boy's best interests anywhere close to his heart.

But for all that, Kaegen hated following orders, going with the flow, accepting things. He was good at it, it came naturally, but that was also part of the reason why he rejected it so readily. He knew it was there, that it was a part of him, and he hated it. But it was hard to be repulsed by a friend, hard to jerk away towards what he wanted to do and scream and shout about. He had been told no, and the matter was over. There was nothing more to be said there.

He would accept that Eris knew what she was talking about, that she knew he wasn't lost. He would accept that he was supposed to be strong, and he would move on. His hands clenched as the wiped furiously at his face. No, he was done, that was all he was going to do he was done. Maybe his friend knew what he was supposed to do, what he was supposed to follow, or believe. But even if she didn't, it was clear weakness wasn't going to be appreciated. He respected that.

Something in him still wanted to scream, or cry, he wasn't sure which, but he was good at suppressing things, and it probably wouldn't bother him again. Or at least it wouldn't if he had any sort of a solid grip on himself, which he clearly did not.

"Right. I can be strong, I am strong. But why?"

He regretted asking the question almost as he was saying it, pressing his mouth closed to a thin line, and stand up sharply. His pupils still danced with an inhuman, amorphous hunger, but it was no longer consuming him. Now it was just a threat, a reminder of what it could do at a moment's notice.

"If you feed a wolf, it gets stronger. I don't like it, I don't like the hunger, or the b- well, the... right. Making it stronger doesn't... what should I do?"

He was only in part referring to how much he wanted to taste blood, blood of something living, blood of something that could scream. He was also very much talking about himself in general, his life, his goals that constantly fell apart before his eyes. He was talking about so many things that he barely knew he was referring to. His hands unclenched and fell loose by his side. He was very clearly trying to be strong, and was partially successful, as evidenced by the very slight tremor, the nervous, tired twitch that showed itself now and then in his eye and finger. The way his lips were pressed together in a tight little rigid line, and how his tired eyes were wide.

He needed something. Help, advice, anything his little friend could give him. Just so long as it was something.

How could he be strong? Eris wasn’t sure what strength was, anymore. But, she was sure why everyone needed to be strong. In a place like Hogwarts, in a world as dangerous and painful as the one they lived in, personal strength was all that they had. Friends could and would be ripped away from you, just as Dorian had been taken permanently from Eris. Getting hurt was common. There was always an influx of things that could go wrong, in this world of theirs. Without strength to get through, there was no reason to get out of bed and face the next day.

“We have to be strong. Because without strength, we aren’t anything but scared kids with no purpose, just trying to survive.” Eris said softly, falling silent as Kaegen asked more questions, the pain in his eyes startling enough that Eris was silenced for a long while.

“Whatever you do, I’ll help you with it,” Eris vowed then, a sombre infliction in her words, as she looked at Kaegen. She tucked a strand of matted hair behind her ear, the dirt from having smashed at the walls making her hair look even more tangled than usual. Relishing the ache in her hand as she moved it to tuck hair behind her ear, Eris turned to fully face Kaegen.

Leadership wasn’t always her forte. When it came to Kaegen, however, it seemed that Eris was the one in the front seat. She was the fire, and Kaegen was usually the cooling ice to her fire. Now that his spark was diminished, Eris realized she had no opposition to whatever crazy ideas she suggested. She had no voice of strange reason to contemplate her actions and add to conversations with bizarre comments about magical creatures and the sage wisdom that could be achieved through staring intently at bizarre beasts. Everything was up to her. Which, was an impossible amount of power. Helping someone she had inadvertently broken was a terrifying process, so Eris tried to proceed with care. To look back was to be lost in her own guilt. All Eris could do was trust herself, and the slim chance that she still knew Kaegen enough to aid him.

She spoke firmly, trying to make her words sound like they were rehearsed and well thought out, even if she was making things up as she went. “We’ll go to Hogsmeade. See if we can get you blood lollipops. Then we can go to the Three broomsticks and ask them for their steak blood. When do you want to go?” She was willing to get up and sneak out, whenever. If he chose to go now, Eris would gladly leave the school to help a friend. She’d do anything to help regain Kaegen’s former spark, even with the insanity that encompassed that. Not just for him, but also to alleviate the still fresh mental image of him lunging towards her, fangs and inhibitions bared.

Once again, Eris was not correct about how one got a bloody steak. But, she was trying her best to help. She didn’t get up, even if she wanted nothing more than to grab her map and tug Kaegen straight to Hogsmeade to try and solve his problems. She hated seeing him suffering. She hated seeing anyone suffering if it wasn’t justified in her own brain. Eris had a very black and white pattern of thinking. Those who were kind to her deserved nothing but good tidings in their own life, and those who were bad deserved the same kind of pain Eris had been through. This pattern of thinking, while inadvertently wrong, had never been corrected. And, it was this thinking that led to Eris’s one-sided determination to”fix” Kaegen’s emotions.

Seeing Kaegen in such a pathetic place took Eris back to her own second year and how miserable it had been. It made her hands turn to fists in her robe pockets, her body reacting to the memories of her own helplessness. What she had really wanted was someone to support her, then. It was a shot in the dark, because Eris had no idea what Kaegen wanted-- ever. In her first year, she’d had faint guesses about what Kaegen wanted or was feeling. But, now that distance had rusted away at their friendship, Kaegen felt miles away from her. It didn’t help that he seemed so utterly betrayed by her. Yet, support was still support. Even if came from someone who was a horrid friend.

Instead of sitting, Eris pushed herself upwards, putting her weight on her knees, feet flat against the ground. Now in an ideal position, Eris gingerly opened her sore arms in a universal gesture that could easily be acknowledged as an open invitation for Kaegen to come forward and receive a hug.

The blood on her hands had dried, which she assumed was enough to stop the hunger pains that Kaegen was referring to. She didn’t really know how being half-vampire worked, but Eris knew that hugs were splendid distractions. Eris hadn’t been hugged very many times in her short life, but knew that it was helpful when someone was sad.

If he didn’t accept the offer for a hug, then Eris would just make a fool of herself by holding her arms out. Though, looking like a fool around Kaegen wasn’t a new thing. Eris was sure he wasn’t going to judge her that much. She was sure, wasn’t she? A faint part of her, a part that Eris refused to acknowledge, was worried that she was putting more strain on their friendship by even bothering to try and hug him. Eris wasn’t sure what to do to help him.

Maybe there was more troubling him than just this conversation. There was more that was wrong besides his hunger for blood, if Kaegen’s comments about not being strong enough from earlier were to be believed. “But, what’s going on for you? What have I missed over the past year? Clearly, I’ve missed a lot.” Eris remarked, managing a muted smile. “We can catch up now if you want. Or go to get some b-blood” She stuttered over the words, finally realizing how strange it was to be attempting to buy blood for a friend. “Or, I can leave you alone.” Eris finished, sheepishly.

So, strength was purpose? Just being strong was purpose? Did that work, was that a thing? Kaegen blinked confusedly at Soap-Eris. No, that wasn't what she meant. She meant that they had to be strong because they had no purpose. They had to be strong because if they didn't stay strong then that was it, they were doomed. Kaegen didn't want to be doomed, and he felt so very, very tired. Too tired to do much about it. He would follow along with what his friend wanted, and give up.

"No you won't. But, that's okay."

He had heard her say that she was going to be there before. And realistically, all he wanted was someone that was there. It was a dream so big that he didn't even consider it a dream. The little ravenclaw didn't want to try and find someone, didn't want to try to find a friend like that because he knew what would happen. Somewhere deep in the little twisted brambly passages of his mind he remembered perfectly what had happened the last time he had a friend. He wasn't doing that again, and he didn't want to believe he was.

"Thank you"

The thanks was more of a backpedal. Kaegen was realistically deaf to most social norms and cues but he was aware that he had just said that soap-eris wasn't going to help, and he did want help, he just didn't want to rely on it, or depend on it, or even think that it was coming. The lower your expectations were, the harder it was to get hurt. But if she thought he didn't want help, she might just leave. So he had to carefully use his words to find a middle ground, and the little ravenclaw was struggling.

"I mean... thank you for help..."

His voice gradually got quieter as he realized just how much he was messing up, trailing off as he collected his thoughts, hands clenching as he dug his fingernails into the pads of his hands, not enough to break the skin, but enough to hurt. He was much too tired, and it helped to stay awake and think.

"No, I can't eat... that. It's something else in me, a part of me that's not me and it's hungry. If you feed a wolf it gets stronger. I don't want this to get stronger, I can't feed it, I refuse to feed it. If I don't eat, I starve, and then get dizzy, and shaky, and weak. After that comes death. I can kill this, I just need to last a little longer."

We was wrong, he was utterly entirely irrevocably wrong, but the little ravenclaw had never really been told how what he was actually worked. He was working off of assumptions and reasoning that had never really been the best to begin with. For Kaegen, it was a hungry part of him that was different enough to be starved separately. It could die and he would be fine. Or at least that was his theory. His flawed theory, to be sure. But it was the best he had.

He accepted the hug, because it was a hug. Hugs were one of his favorite things, hugs usually came once a year, more when people offered them. And soap-eris was offering one. It didn't matter if she was a bit different, she was still a friend, and he was still going to get a wonderful, wonderful hug. He dropped down forward on his knees, scooting forward a bit and carefully wrapping his arms around her as best he could. He tried to only touch her back with his palms, lifting spidery fingers up enough to not tear the nice fabric any more than it already had been. She smelled of dust, and laundry. Of old books and things he associated with house elves. And of course, of blood. Not not so much the last one. Only faint lingering traces.

He buried his nose in her shoulder to block out anything but the dusty clean sort of smell that came from her robe, and set about trying to put together adequate sentences

"Spent a lot of time on a useless book, and then gave up and made my castle. I can't really remember a lot. I guess I almost killed one or two... or four people. But you probably already know about that. it made the newspapers, after all. People avoid me now, for the most part. It's probably a good thing. I'm a little tired, now. But not bad."

Kaegen paused to catch his breath before going on. It was hard to make sense, his brain felt muddled and foggy and gross.

"Stay, please. For as long as you c- well, as long as you'd like."

He kept his face buried in her shoulder, but made sure not to cry. He was going to be strong, or at least as strong as he could manage.

A vow meant something to Eris. Whilst she wasn’t a Hufflepuff, a promise was a promise. With such in mind, the silent pledge Eris had made to herself to present for Kaegen was still fresh in her head. Fresh enough that she winced when Kaegen expressed that Eris wouldn’t be able to be there for him. It was already failure enough that Kaegen had been so upset and alone last year because of her own actions. A kind person would be able to help him or do better in terms of comforting.

But then again, Eris was not kind. That much was discernible to any who knew even the slightest bit of information about Eris’s personality. From punching people to the more recent infraction of not speaking to Kaegen for a year, it was exceedingly obvious that Eris was no Badger. She was far too meanspirited and selfish to be in the house of the just. However, there was one trait that did put Eris on par with those clad in the colours of yellow and black.

She was, decisively speaking, extremely loyal to what she believed in.No matter how skewed the cause was, Eris would be loyal to it. For a good few months during her first year, Eris had assumed that loyalty was a trait found exclusively in Gryffindors and given, in hindsight, a rather cringy speech about the loyalty of Gryffindors during her first year at Hogwarts. Hence, loyalty being something that Eris valued. Having been unloyal and atrociously absent in Kaegen’s life while dealing with her own issues, it was more than easy to uphold the promise to be present in his life again. This simplicity was only achieved because of the bloody tears Kaegen had cried, and the chasm of empty space metaphorically between them.

Kaegen had once been one of Eris’s best friends, and it was all very harsh to deal with the stark reality that her absence in his life had brought such pain. The guilt would stay with Eris for a while, but she gutted it out. Or tried to, as her brows mushed together in evident confusion. Not really understanding why Kaegen had said thank you twice, she listened as his voice got quieter by the moment. Once again needing a distraction from the emotional turmoil and vulnerability in the room, Eris began to use her nails to rip at the threads of loose fabric inside the pockets of her robes.

Having the physical distraction to ground her thoughts, Eris stopped tugging at her robe pockets to stare at Kaegen. She wasn’t an expert in vampires, but it sounded like Kaegen was casually talking about plans to kill himself. Eris’s brow furrowed, as she tried to articulate the correct words to say. Again, being no expert upon vampires, Eris wasn’t sure if Kaegen’s logic was somehow sensible in the world of otherworldly creatures. Deciding to spend time researching dhampirs and vampires in the library later, Eris chewed on her bottom lip in careful thought before finally responding.

“I don’t know much about vampires, but.. I think that part of you is, well, a part of you. If you kill it by starving yourself, you also kill yourself.” Eris fretted, each word slow and thoughtful. She felt almost sheepish, waiting for Kaegen to hastily correct her with some random tidbit of knowledge Eris wasn’t aware of. Still, though. “I wouldn’t want you to die.” Eris remarked, voice even softer.

Hopefully, Kaegen didn’t want to die. He was currently hugging Eris, which was nice. She was delighted that he had actually accepted the offer of a hug. It would have been awkward otherwise, and just knowing that Kaegen was still willing to trust Eris enough to hug her filled Eris with unprecedented joy in such a dire circumstance.

He was very cold though, and Eris spent a few minutes trying not to shiver from the unexpected chill that was the pallor of Kaegen’s skin. She tried to give a good hug. Eris was similar to Kaegen in that she had not received very many hugs in her life. But, this hug was nice. Just because it meant something.

“What useless book and what castle?” Eris questioned. “I’m sorry that people avoid you, though. I don’t think you should be avoided. Although, almost killing people is pretty bad. Why’d you do that?” In most situations, Eris would be horrified if someone discussed homicide so casually. But, the person in question being Kaegen.. Eris wasn’t all that surprised.

As he asked her to stay, Eris patted Kaegen’s head in a reassuring manner. It was meant to be a nice gesture, and she hoped the message was understood. “Don’t worry. I don’t have anywhere else to go.” Eris tried a new way of reassurance that she wasn’t leaving. Kaegen seemed to assume that she as going to leave, but maybe by saying that she had no prior commitments, he might feel more comfortable. It was all very confusing and like Kaegen, Eris was pretty tired.

He couldn't feel his own chill, only the warmth of his friend. He had always found it so bizarre how powerful her heart beat was, when compared to the frail ticking in his own chest. She seemed to be a raging furnace of strength, a powerhouse bonfire that shared it's warmth with the little ravenclaw. And yet, for all that, something was wrong. She felt so full of fire and spirit and life and strength but he knew better now. She was just a person, she was weak, just like everyone else. She was a breakable little match, but so was he. So was everyone. And she was his breakable little match. His friend.

That would probably change, she would find someone more interesting, or run into some troubles along the road, and would vanish from his life. But she would paddle back up the stream and be with him again, eventually. He would just have to wait. He had done it before, and a friend was worth waiting for. You just had to make sure you didn't rely on them coming back, make sure you knew that they didn't care unless they were with you. Maybe you could only have one friend at a time, and she had found so many others that it took a while to get back to him.

But he didn't care about that, not right then. He could worry about how friends worked later, for now he just wanted to hug his friend while he still had her, feel real living warmth seep into his skin, his blood. He trusted the little girl, more than anyone else. He trusted her so completely he had faced a tidal wave of rats based off of a halfhearted shout. As far as he was concerned, most of the warmth in his life had come from eris, and she was the only thing that he would willingly die for. It had kept him up at night for weeks, back in his second year. She wasn't consistent, but neither was fire. He'd be grateful while he had her.

"I don't want it to be a part of me. If I'm to be a monster, I'd like to be my own monster, not the monster that some hunger drives me to be. Why couldn't I just kill it? Everything can die, right? I could survive, I know I could."

He didn't know he could, but that was obvious. Obvious in how he hugged soap-eris tighter as he said it, obvious in how his breath caught no less than twice in the course of that short speech. Kaegen wanted to live, to survive, but somewhere down in the maze of death and dark places he wanted to be a little boy, he wanted to laugh and play and splash in the water. Not this, not whatever he was doing. He hated the constant fear and the constant fighting and the constant struggling to get an edge.

He didn't know it, of course he didn't. How would the little ravenclaw know of a desire to feel something he had never truly felt. He knew hugs were nice, but not necessarily why. Why some things were the way they were was beyond him. He would just enjoy the hug while he could, enjoy the warmth his friend provided.

"Back when I was... wrong. I was crafting a guide to dangers, a guide on how to destroy them. It was going to keep you safe. If I couldn't be with you, then at least you could have the book. So you wouldn't get bur- hurt. So you wouldn't get hurt. When I stopped, I needed something. So I found some hate, and it grew too big. And then it kept growing, and then it started to become real. Real walls, that you can feel. Walls of dark and cold. It keeps me safe, it keeps me alone."

He paused to think about what he had said, and to stop the tears that had been building. That day, the day eris had been burnt, the day he hadn't been there. He had to forget, shove it away forever. He had tried, tried so many times. He had even succeeded, but now eris was back as soap-eris, he remembered again. And it hurt.

"Guess it didn't keep you out, though. I'm glad."

The chill would dissipate. Eris made no attempt to push Kaegen away or to adjust her robes to prevent the chill emulating from his freezer box of a tiny body. Instead, she just sat there. It was a stark change from when she had been throwing things. Eris didn’t like to sit. She hated being still, hated the feeling of the world catching up to her. Keeping in motion was a surefire way to escape thoughts. It was moments of sitting still or lying in bed at night that thwarted Eris’s careful system of escapism. But it seemed her unmoving presence was helping Kaegen, so Eris did nothing to relish her hold upon her friend, finding herself entrapped in the hug. It wasn’t that bad, all things considered.

Eris was no genius, not by a longshot. Then again, she’d never assumed that Kaegen was a genius either. He had seemed knowledgeable about certain things, such as animals. But his line of thinking was colinear when it came to life. Like Eris, Kaegen tended to think about things as black and white. There was no in-between in thought, no grey area. However, he seemed to be thinking of the grey area at the moment. Killing one part of himself would definitely kill the rest of him, in a realistic sense. One couldn’t just cut out half of their heart and go on living. Again, Eris was doubtful she was giving the right advice.

However, from Kaegan’s haggard appearance, whatever he was doing was not eliminating the evil. It was wearing him out entirely. While death seemed far fetched, even to someone who had been exposed to as much pain as Eris, it seemed entirely viable that Kaegen was going to starve himself and get very sick. It would have been yet another failure on Eris’s part if he ended up in St. Mungos, or kicked out of Hogwarts for being nothing more than a walking corpse.

“Just because you don’t want something, it doesn’t mean you can get rid of it. I think… I think if it dies, you die too.” Eris repeated, with more apprehension in her voice than before. Moving her hand away from his head to itch at her ear, one of many nervous gestures picked up across the years, Eris sighed. Her words rang true, not just in Kaegen’s life, but in her own life. If Eris looked down, she knew the scars from when she had been attacked would be visible. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Eris was fully prepared to dwell upon her own past.

That was until Kaegen hugged her even more. Eyes opening, bulging nearly, Eris let out a little ‘oomph’. Not having expected to be clung to even tighter, her hand wrapped around again to pat Kaegen. Something unnerved her about the way he was now clinging even tighter as if her words had reached him. Or maybe he understood, like she did, that everything in this castle and in this life was a risk. They weren’t 11 years old again, able to laugh off a salamander burning a hole in their Hogwarts Express Compartment. There was no way to get rid of the scars, invisible and visible alike. There was no way to go back to the kids that they had once been.

Eris knew that most kids her age were happy. Knew that from the way she saw first and second years snogging in the hallways. Noticed it from how people whispered to each other with grins on their faces. And, most of the time, she was happy too. But, there was always a dark cloud hanging over her head. There was always a soft reminder that something could go wrong. A reminder that all the Hogwarts third years were aware of, especially Kaegen and Eris.

Kaegen’s words proved that, as Eris’s eyebrows knitted together into a vision of confusion. Her stomach twisted in a knot, as he almost said burnt. Nobody ever said burnt aloud around her. Not at school. That conversation was always danced around, ignored and unallowed. Not even Kaegen could mention the events of that night. Burnt was a forbidden word. She sighed, looking down at the ground. “Do you have the book?” Eris said nothing, not bothering to ask why he had stopped writing in it. She had a feeling the reasoning was obvious.

However, if there was a book listing what Kaegen considered dangerous in Hogwarts, it was either unfathomably wrong in the observations or exceedingly helpful in protection. There was never an in-between with Kaegen. In emotions, thoughts, and even observations.

But, at the mention of a castle, Eris looked around. Maybe he meant the shadows, which were gone now. Or, in a more amusing train of thought, Eris wondered if he had actually become a woodcarver and built a palace. That seemed unlikely, but as the shadows were gone and it was always good to question when it came to Kaegen, Eris found herself asking. “Where is the castle?”

It would have been smart to state that being alone didn’t make someone safe. But, Eris had spent her whole second year alone. There wasn’t anything she could say that wouldn’t seem like an outright lie. And, her thoughts were still completely focused upon the slip-up Kaegen had almost had.

Burnt. Hurt. What difference did it make? A huge one. Being hurt was part of life. Falling off a broom, tripping on the trick staircase up to the Gryffindor tower, or even being punched by another student. However, burning was different. Being burnt wasn’t something that always happened. That was a rarity, a painful event. Something that lasted.

Shuddering, Eris focused her gaze on the wall and said nothing, slipping into silence. The only sound was her foot tapping against the floor in an attempt to ground herself and find something to focus on that was not her thoughts. The attempt wasn’t quite working, but it was all Eris could do at the moment. She felt distant from Kaegen, from the moment itself. Eris felt like was drowning in the silence of the room, in the lack of motion. Felt like she was slipping under waves of an unwanted memory.

“Yeah. Guess so.” She muttered in response.