Fin Another Door PV Raizel

Man, and here Dee had thought she was depressed. Her past year had been anything but a walk in the park, but no matter how bad she'd felt, it didn't hold a candle to the depth of misery in Raizel's voice. She sat down on the floor next to Raizel, crossing her legs while she listened, then startled. "You quit?" she asked, surprised. "But..." She stopped herself. Telling the Gryffindor that she should hang in there, just keep at it, and all those empty platitudes, were probably not what she needed. It'd make her feel worse, more likely. And it wasn't like Dee couldn't relate. Not like she hadn't struggled, in the beginning. Not like she didn't feel trapped herself, even at this moment, like the walls were pressing in too closely, stealing the air she needed to breathe. Like she'd backed herself into a corner, and couldn't find her way out anymore. Like... she was stuck.

So she shrugged instead. "Okay," she said easily. "That's valid. You don't... have to be a duellist." Dee paused, trying to figure out how to continue. Merlin, she was bad at this. Maybe she should leave and come back with Aly, her best friend was definitely the more encouraging and reassuring of the pair. But then, she doubted that Raizel would be very eager to admit her insecurities to a stranger - Dee wouldn't. It was hard enough to admit them to oneself.

She sighed, leaning back onto her hands, trying to put herself in Raizel's shoes. She guessed that maybe... thirteen year old Dee hadn't been too different. "Have I ever told you about when I started duelling? I was the captain of the Ravenclaw team, got the job right when I started my second year at Hogwarts." She smiled at the memory. "I was very ambitious, very proud. And then I lost three of my first four duels, even though I practised until I literally collapsed." She breathed out, pointing to a spot on the other side of the duelling club. "Right over there. One of my team mates had to physically carry me back to the common room because I refused to go to the hospital wing." Dee huffed a small laugh. "Poor Del, she must have been super freaked out."

Letting her hand drop, Dee looked at Raizel from the corner of her eyes. "Anyway. I know duelling can be rough on your self-esteem. In the end... if it makes you feel like shit, don't do it." The only reason Dee had kept at it had been her obstinate, bullish determination to prove something to her grandparents. To... She paused, stilled. Blinked once, twice. Then buried her face in her hands and started laughing helplessly. She laughed until the tears came, and then she laughed some more, face wet against her hands. Raizel must think she had lost it, she mused, but she couldn't help herself.

It wasn't even funny, really - more sad, her giving advice to Raizel when she couldn't even help herself. When she'd trapped herself behind imaginary walls so thoroughly that it took a depressed second year Gryffindor for her to realise that the only thing holding her back was a prison she'd built herself. Her grandparents didn't even care anymore. What was she doing? "You know," Dealla said breathlessly when she'd finally calmed down enough to speak again. "I think you're probably smarter than I am." She exhaled heavily, shaking her head at herself. The hysteria was ebbing off, at least.

Finally, she let her hands sink, and fixed Raizel with a stare so fierce it was almost a glare. "Listen. You don't have to do shit," she emphasised. "You don't owe it to anyone. If you want to duel? Duel. If you don't? Then don't. This isn't the only path you have. Hell, you can join the Quidditch team instead, even if they're dumb jocks." Dee snorted at the idea. "Point is, just because you wanted to be a duellist a year ago doesn't mean you still have to want the same thing. When one door closes, and all that nonsense. Maybe it's time for a new goal."

She bit her lip, let her eyes wander around the room once more, then added, her voice barely louder than a whisper, "It certainly is for me."

@Raizel Voltrouz

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❂《 ⌜ March 17, 2024 ▎ Before Curfew ⌟

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What came next was a surprise, enough to make her stare at the older girl who had joined her there on the floor. While being a duelling captain in your second year is an amazing feat, the shocking revelation was more on Dee losing her duels. The Dealla Prince losing in her duels was unheard of. To Raizel, she was at the top, an unbeatable force as far as she knew. “You… lost? But you're amazing. That sounds impossible to happen.” She couldn't believe that. There was no way. Her experiences were starting to sound familiar, the same predicament that the Gryffindor had found herself trapped in. Practicing until you collapse, to the point of exhaustion and sickness yet you were still there, in the starting line while the rest were already in the middle or worse, near the end. Trapped, unmoving. And here she thought no one would understand her, of her situation. It was indeed ruining her self-esteem. She had lost two of her duels, almost all of her unofficial matches, heck, she even lost to a first year and ever since then, things had just started spiraling downward.

“I know I don’t have to but it was the only way that I knew where I thought I could see progress in my own skills even though I’m not making any progress at all." What other ways are there for her to take to show people her capabilities? Her strength. To show her grandmother that she's just not a good for nothing Half-blood who couldn't reach what the Purebloods could? When the girl beside her started laughing and crying, she didn't know what to do. But it did show her how vulnerable even the strong can be and she admires her for that. Being able to cry like that and in front of a mere underclassman that she barely knows. It just showed her how strong she was unlike her who sees shedding tears as nothing but a sign of weakness when it isn't. Half of her mind wanted to reach out, to try and give comfort for she could see how Dee was struggling with her own troubles similar to hers but she didn't. Raizel was never a person who was good at comforting people even if she tried to be.

Another path, another door when one closes. “A new path huh…” She wondered out loud. She was burnt out with duelling, that’s for sure. She does need a new path to take, somewhere that suits her better. “Are you searching for your own new path? Why? You are doing great in it.” Raizel doesn’t understand why she would give up on something where she could be so successful, where she could see her progress, her strength.

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⌜ Another Door ⌟ | ⌜ WC: 460/200 ⌟
««««« Dialogue | #800000

INVENTORY

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Dee looked up, then smiled, wiping a stray tear from the corner of her eye. It was easy to smile about it now, years after the fact and with a dozen duelling wins under her belt, but she remembered well the frustration threatening to drown her back then, with every missed spell, every backfire. Every little fault and failure of hers that had led to another lost duel, letting down her partner, letting down her team. She'd never considered quitting, but maybe she'd have been happier if she had. "Oh, yeah," she replied, nodding. "I lost a lot. And then I found my feet halfway through my third year and went on a winning streak that was two years long." She grinned at Raizel, cheeky. Some things changed, some things didn't, and Dee's confidence, even if it had taken a few beatings over the year, never wavered for long. "I am amazing though, thank you for noticing."

When Raizel asked why Dee would ever need a new path, when she was clearly doing great on the one she was already on, she shrugged. Lowered her eyes to stare at her hands where they tangled in her lap. "I'm good at duelling, obviously," she replied, then hesitated. Tried to figure out how to explain the way she felt - stuck, not in control of her own life, of her decisions. Desperate to move forward but stuck in who she'd been two years ago. "But it doesn't... feel good. Winning does, sure, but duelling... Whenever I'm in here, it feels like something is sucking all the air out of the room." She gestured vaguely around them, then dropped her hands again. It was what Dee imagined claustrophobia to feel like, except the room she was locked in was of her own making. Bit her lip and closed her eyes, trying to remember how it had felt when she'd genuinely loved duelling, the satisfaction of perfecting a new spell, of pushing herself to be better. All she found was a tight feeling in her chest, as if she'd breathed in a lungful of dust.

"Duelling has been a big part of me in the past few years," she continued, wondering if she made any sense at all to Raizel. Probably not, she thought, considering she barely made sense to herself. "But I think it might just be that? In the past. Just because I'm good at it doesn't mean it's good for me, right? Not anymore." She straightened slightly, and could feel the resolve hardening. Duelling was part of her past, a weight, tied to her ankles, dragging her down - and if she wanted to move forward, it was a part that she needed to cut loose.

"Anyway..." she gave Raizel another glance. "This was a surprisingly enlightening evening for me, so thank you." She frowned slightly. "I'm not sure I could help you at all, but... Duelling is not the end of the road, believe me. And if you ever need someone to talk to and eat ice cream with because you accidentally knocked yourself out with a backfired spell, I'm your girl." Dee winked at the Gryffindor, then leaned forward on impulse to give her a tight hug. "I think we're about to break curfew, so I should start climbing the million steps to the Ravenclaw tower. See you around, Raizel."

@Raizel Voltrouz
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❂《 ⌜ March 17, 2024 ▎ Before Curfew ⌟

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Even after hearing it for the second time, it was hard to believe that the unbreakable wall of duelling that she had looked up had her own time of failures and lost, the same thing that she had been experiencing ever since she had started her own duelling career in hopes of becoming just as strong as those that were on top. The only difference is that… Dee overcame it. Raizel doesn't know if she could do the same. Moving up was coming soon and she hoped that things would be a lot better from there on out. But if it doesn't? What will happen? Will the darkness finally consume her? Drag her back to the bottom of the pit that she's desperately trying to climb out of? Unlike Dee or any of the other talented folks here, she has nothing in her name.

“More than amazing…” Raizel uttered. She couldn't describe it but she just knew Dealla Prince was beyond amazing for her. Not just her but many more like Lea Hirsch, Alan Vanes and Beatrice Langstreth. There's Alyssea as well and so is Zach. She could name more people that she met whose presences were blinding, she doesn't even know if she could stand near them, among them and just as brilliant as them. It's why it still doesn't make sense to give up on something that you are good at. When Dee explained the reason why, she had to listen to it carefully to understand.

Just because I'm good at it doesn't mean it's good for me.

Guess that makes sense? Maybe. She kind of gets it but at the same time, she couldn't. It was still such a waste to just drop it like that after leaving a mark in it. But her reasons are kind of understandable. To be free from it's suffocating walls, to actually feel good whenever she reaches the top or perhaps going further. She, too, would want that. To become stronger and feel good about it. Perhaps it was time for her to let go as well, accept that this probably wasn't the one for her, the place where could find what she seeks.

Where though? Where's the right place? Where will she be able to see her efforts come into fruition? To see the strength that she wanted to have? To finally see her own progress? Guess she now knows what will keep her busy aside from spell practice for the following days. “Yeah… I'll come bother you again at some point.” Raizel said back with a smile that's a bit forced. Truth be told though, she'd rather not bother someone with her own problems. This was hers to tackle on her own. She was at least glad that despite being so down and depressed, this short talk they had helped Dee in a way.

Raizel gave her one final wave, watching the older Ravenclaw's back as she made her exit. She sighed once she was gone, looking back on the floor. She should probably go back too or else risk getting detention and maybe have some time off to let everything sink in as she figures out what she wanted to do from now on.

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⌜ Another Door ⌟ | ⌜ WC: 524/200 ⌟
««««« Dialogue | #800000

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Thread End. Thanks for the RP