Thinking Out Loud PV S. Alexander Finished

Ami flinched as Scott brought up how she had thought he was a pureblood, that had certainly been one of the dumber things she'd said throughout her life. She was still completely and utterly embarrassed by it, why had she said that? She couldn't help but assume, however, especially when he was related to Mia, who seemed drawn towards other purebloods- she'd heard the rumors, the ones regarding another Slytherin... 

"I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have assumed." Because she shouldn't have. She had been brought up better than that, especially when she was friends with someone like Thomas...

“You’re not here because of them though, are you? That would be one coincidence.”

"Haha..." she laughed, weakly, with a fake smile. "Yeah, a coincidence... no, it's not because of them." Glancing at Scott for a moment before returning her stare to the ground, Ami looked like she was about to vomit- really, she hated talking to other people, confessing about her thoughts. But... but Scott wouldn't laugh, would he? Surely, he wasn't that type of person.

As the silence grew, Ami laughed again, this time in disbelief. "You want me to tell you, don't you? What's wrong?" Shaking her head ruefully, Ami closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the wall.

A silly smile, a delirious laugh... trailing off, Ami finally said quietly, "I- it's dumb, it's nothing. Just me... being a brat... again. I- I'm sorry, I'm just wasting your time, I should go..." It was clear she was warring with herself, that part of her wanted to be alone, to keep burying her anger and frustration deeper and deeper within herself, while the other part wanted to stay, to find comfort in whatever words and advice Scott had to offer. 

Really, Ami just looked like she needed a hug. Not that she would accept one willingly, but inside, she was crumbling, and she didn't know what to do.

“You want me to tell you, don’t you? What’s wrong?”

He did. He did so very much. But when she asked him, it almost sounded like she didn’t. Scott realised then, that maybe some people didn’t best sort their head out by company. Maybe some people didn’t find themselves in the abandoned toilets because they had no other option, but because they needed it.

Scott was about to back off, when she started to speak anyway.

”I- it's dumb, it's nothing. Just me... being a brat... again. I- I'm sorry, I'm just wasting your time, I should go..."

“No..no, don’t.” Scott didn’t actually know what to say. He couldn’t force her to do anything, but he couldn’t just let her talk like that. “Not about someone I care about.” he finished his own thoughts.

“I mean, you shouldn’t talk like that about someone I care about. That sounds strange.. You’re not dumb, that’s what I mean. And so you shouldn’t say that you are. And you’re not wasting my time, because I hate being alone and being with you is so much better.”

Scott looked up and into the open stall in which he’d probably be losing his mind if it wasn’t for her.

”..Whatever it is you’re upset about, even if you don’t think so, is a big deal. At least it is to me, because it’s making you upset.”

Maybe he did know what to say, after all.

Ami looked sort of.. small where she stood, leaning against the wall as if on the verge of falling in through it, and even though he was bigger than most Scott rarely noticed that about people.

If she had been Mia, he would have given her a hug. Hell, if it had been most anyone he would have given them a hug. But he couldn’t, when Ami looked like that. He didn’t feel like he got to. That’s why he’d resided to words, something he didn’t think he could actually pull off.

Scratch that, Ami didn’t look like she needed a hug, she looked like she needed to scream. To scream, to punch, to release her anger with herself through something and just get it out there. Instead, however, she plastered on another smile at Scott’s words. They made her feel better, yes, but all she could remember was the night in the common room with Professor Lear, and her hand reached for a necklace at the base of her throat that was no longer there. 

“J just want to go home.”

There, it was out there. Her voice was breaking and cracking like a teenager’s, her eyes were watering, and the waves of nostalgia were crashing against her, drowning her in misery... but it was out there. 

“Sorry,” she mumbled, smiling at Scott apologetically. “I- it’s not that big of a deal...” Who did she think she was kidding, she looked like an absolute mess. She couldn’t even make it through the school year alive, how was she going to finish all seven years of Hogwarts?

“I- I’m sorry, just please-“ she somehow managed to stammer out, finding her way shakily to her feet. Stumbling to one of the sinks, she bit her tongue as she tried so, so hard to sort through her thoughts, like her mom had told her to do. 

Missing necklace. Turned down application. Being friends with prefects is annoying and hard. Scott is the best person on earth. What are you even freaking out about? There’s nothing to be mad about. Breathe, just breathe, goddammit, why is even that so hard for you to do?

Placing her hands on the rims of the basin, Ami probably looked drunk, hunched over the sink, trying to breathe but shaking too much to do so. “Sorry you have to see me like this,” she mumbled, turning her head away from the Gryffindor. “Probably not the most attractive sight to see, at the moment.”

”Ami..”

Everything she said and did was filled with frustration. Scott remembered how Mia had seemed when she told him about Rachel and St. Mungos, but that had been different.. and Scott didn’t want to call Ami homesick. He felt it wouldn’t do her any justice.

“I want to go home, too.. sometimes.” He proceeded carefully where she stood, not wanting to seem like he was pretending to know. Because he didn’t. He longed for his home, too, but not like this.

She seemed so positively angry, with herself or with whoever.

“Sorry you had to see me like this, probably not the most attractive sight to see, at the moment.”

Ami turned away, and she was right. This was very unattractive. But Scott wasn’t sorry at all.

“If anything it should be my fault, this is the girls’ bathroom, after all.” He didn’t know what he was doing, trying to make her laugh? They were beyond that point, he should have known this.

“Don’t apologize, please don’t do that.”

Scott reached out and laid a hand on her shaking shoulder. He knew it was risky, but the worst case scenario was she turned around and kicked him (teeth or balls, it was his pick), and Scott felt he could live with both of those things as long as he knew he’d at least tried.

“You don’t need to tell me anything. You just need to breath a little, is all.”

Breathe, yes, she needed to breathe. She couldn't stop the streaming of whispered apologies, however, those were second nature to her by now. Just a steady flow of quiet, "I'm sorry"s and ironic chuckles. After a while, Ami seemed to have regained control of herself, and straightened up, staring at her red and puffy eyes in the mirror, crazily messy hair, and tear streaks on her cheeks. 

"Do you, uh, mind?" she asked quietly, and turning to the mirror, she fixed her hair, splashed cool water on her cheeks, and just cleaned herself up in general. A final deep breath and straightening of her clothes made her look no different than the girl who had stormed into the toilets fifteen minutes ago, not like she had just had a mental breakdown.

Ah, the beauty of cold water.

"I know I don't need to say anything," Ami said quietly, now facing Scott. Her hands were behind her on the rim of the sink, her body leaning back against it, and she was still looking at the ground, unable to meet the Gryffindor's eyes. "But now I feel like I owe you something, at least. I- I didn't get into something I really wanted to do, and someone took something of mine." Simplified, that was the quickest, easiest way to explain her heartbreak.

Finally bold enough to lift her gaze from the ground, Ami peered into Scott's eyes, searching for something, something she didn't even know she was looking for. Sympathy? Empathy? Apathy? Advice? Or, did she just need to look at something other than the spider slowly making its way towards her?

Scott just nodded at first. Losing something he understood, something she’d loved very much- probably. But get into? He couldn’t help but wonder what that meant. But he wouldn’t ask, not now anyway.

She looked better than before, and met his eyes for the first time in a while.

“Thank you.” He realised that sharing even that little had been hard for her, and he was grateful she’d done so. Exchanging troubles, although easily believed to increase your stress, somehow relieves it. Just knowing you’re not the only one going a little crazy. There is comfort in company.

He smiled at her, as wide as he could, and made sure he looked a little stupid doing so, too. It seemed as if, with her panic descending, her self-conscioussness increased once again. Whatever reason she had to feel that way escaped Scott. It was only him.

“I mean, it’s awful. But thank you for telling me. You know what my mother tells me when I’ve lost something, or I’m disappointed? She tells me, that if something can make me that sad, then it means there’s something in the world that I really care about. And not all people can say that.”

Scott shook his head, troubled as his phrasing was nowhere near his mother’s comforting words.

”No. What I mean is.. whatever you’ve lost.. or didn’t get, that’s probably something you’re willing to fight for. And I think I know you well enough to say you’ll get what you fight for. Even if you’re a Hufflepuff.”

He winked at her stupidly at the last part, mostly as a bite-back for the pure blood mixup. Something he hadn’t actually cared about at all, but if it lay the foundations of her first laugh now, then he could pretend.

Ami laughed, almost like she was trying to hold it back, dropping her gaze to hide the silly smile creeping across her face. Something about Scott just made her smile, made her laugh, and she kind of hated it, how easily someone could break her down- but on the other hand, she loved it, because he didn't leave her moping. 

"No, I know what you mean," Ami said quietly, once she had her poker face back on. "Or, what your mom means. And, I guess that's a nice way of looking at it." Because it was- that meant she cared, that meant they meant something to her, which was reassuring to her, as if solidifying her mindset that maybe, possibly, her life actually meant something.

Glancing at her watch, Ami did a double take as she caught sight of the time. "Frick. I've gotta run, if I'm out past curfew any more this year, my mom's going to have my hide." Looking back at Scott, she said quietly, "I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light. Helen Keller. And I think it's true, what she says."

Standing up all the way, Ami hesitated for just a brief moment, before pulling Scott into a hug. It only lasted for a brief moment, but she was sure it conveyed her message- thank you. "I'll see you sometime, I'm sure," she said with a smile, and left the abandoned toilets to return to her common room. Maybe... maybe tonight, she'd be able to clear her head before she fell asleep.

”I would rather walk witha friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”

She was quoting a woman Scott had never heard of, and he couldn’t truthfully say, either, that he knew what the woman had meant by it. But in a way, he thought maybe he did understand what Ami meant, and that thought made him very happy.

And even if Scott has yet to consider the world a dark place, he got the feeling he’d rather walk it with people like her, too. Even if it didn’t quite hit him why that was.

She was looking at him gratefully, and before he knew it Ami had pulled him into a short hug and then out again. He smiled stupidly at her after she let him go, the boyish way he always did it, before she said her goodbyes. She had to run, so not to get in trouble.

”I'll see you sometime, I'm sure.”

“Yes. Definitely..” Scott’s whisper was almost too low for himself to hear. She turned and left the bathrooms, though not as if to leave. It was strange and Scott wouldn’t be able to explain it. He was only sure that she’d have left the room differently if he hadn’t bothered her, and that made him feel good.

Soon he got to leave himself. His mind was still dwelling over the things he had yet to figure out. Only now, he did so with a new feeling of being on the right track..

”What I’m looking for is not out there, it is in me.”
-Helen Keller

But he couldn’t put it into words.

Scott exits the Abandoned Toilets and thereby the thread.