Alone In My Mind PV Rowan Bane closed

"Showing my emotions isn't by choice, I'm too tired to hide them. Sleep is for the safe, the trusting, and the dead." Elena made sure her voice stayed calm, and that she didn't shift too much, the bunny wasn't leaving yet, "And I believe that's true yes, except I have a feeling that people underestimate you more than they do me. Instinct tells me you're not out to hurt me though, and instinct is usually right."

"If things are silent too long I have to start thinking again, I make lists of things not to think about." Elena said quietly, "Like the near future, and people that could hurt me, and that none of the professors except Griffith really care about the students. The headmaster apparently set some second years on fire but nobody even cares."

Harmless in this bubble, but still there was something that had scared Alan, and something that made Elena want to protect him. Intelligence, that was almost certainly it, wisdom, even more likely. Beware the quiet and calm ones, one of the few phrases she always remembered. If there was a rhyme attached to it she didn't even know, "I tried outrunning the negative thoughts but they're always there. Hiding makes it better, somehow."

"Demons." Elena seemed to consider this for a moment, "That's a good way to think of them."

It was true enough, they always lurked in the dark corners and shadows. It made Elena think of demons following her around, staying just out of sight. It wasn't exactly a calming idea.

"Short bursts work, but if it's not getting to sleep that's the issue, it's the nightmares." Elena had a note of bitterness in her voice, "I stopped having to worry about my future so my nightmares came to remind me I could still lose everything. Isn't that nice of them."

"I've slept in the library before, it's nice in there. I got woken up though, that's the problem with this castle. No matter where you go there's always someone willing to wake you up to try and make a new friend. I haven't ventured into the centre of the library, I kept hearing voices around there." Elena wasn't sure if that was wise or not, but it seemed true enough. Interrupt you when reading, when sleeping, when practicing. Maybe she should invest in martial arts training, if you're carrying a big stick it might dissuade students from trying to strike up conversation.

"I used to sleep at the tea shop in Hogsmeade." Elena figured he wouldn't tell anyone, "I was afraid of getting caught and kicked out of ROAM so I stopped going down there. I might go sleep near the stables, almost everyone that goes down there gets kicked out within the hour."

It was true, what little quiet Elena'd gotten from the tea shop wasn't worth losing that club, at least in her mind. Her priorities were definitely in order, they were just a bit different.

"I know only one friend who'd be nice enough to stop people from waking me, but he's also a sweet kid and attracts trouble like a damn magnet." Alan was one of the kids doomed to be randomly bullied. Elena would need to wake up just so she could tell them off.

Elena flinched slightly at the last bit, then checked the rabbit to see it hadn't decided she moved too much. Thank god the little critter was more interested in the food than moving.

"I don't have anything from before, that's where the nightmares are coming from." Elena didn't want to unpack that statement, so she quickly moved on, "I'm scared of losing some people. Like there's a friend of mine, Min-seo, we met on the train. She's one of the people I can't ever save in my dreams."

Elena's eyes widened in surprise, "Hold on wait what, oh no, oh dear."

"I'm a mess, she can do a lot better, a lot lot better." Elena almost flipped her hood up right then and there, "Like, she's sweet and nice and makes me feel better and I'd trust her with anything, there must be a princess out there somewhere for her right? Like, someone with a family they haven't cobbled together out of friends and one very grumpy professor."

If not for the rabbit she would curl up into a little ball, and maybe screech, screeching seemed an excellent response to this situation. Sadly, that would probably terrify the poor bunny to death, and also confuse Rowan to no end. So Elena elected to just owl Alan later, maybe bug Griffith again, that'd calm her down.

"The nightmares, it's always someone from when I was in London, and I can't move and I can't stop them from taking away everything." Elena wondered if she could pat the bunny but instead elected to fold her cloak a little closer around her, the nightmares were still vivid in her memory. Alan, Min, Bella, everyone was taken away eventually. The only thing keeping her going was that they were still there when she woke up.

"No. I think you're perfect for eachother, honestly. Two glass people both repairing the other with the shards of their hearts." 

The bunny did infact, get very scared, and made a v line for Rowan, hiding in his lap. Though the little smile on his face was not over that. It was instead over Elena. He did however steal the bag of feed back from her. Though that didn't keep the bunny for long. It ran away after awhile, done with the conversation.

"You see, perfect princess is boring, and their families are usually prim and proper. Which, in fact, is constricting. I can tell you that from experience. I think someone like you is perfect for her. You've struggled. Min has struggled. She needs someone who understands that. A princess, or someone who has never had their life in shards, would not understand. Your family, is heartfelt. Is real. You choose people close to you, people you trust, as your family. Which I think is the best kind."

He again took her hands, if she allowed it. His words were soft but carried such weight. He didn't even need to raise his voice to make himself truly heard. His soft tone drew her in instead, demanding attention from her. 

"You are not in London anymore, are you? You are not on the streets. You are here, where you have family that will protect you, that will help you, just as you would help them if they needed anything. You are not broken, as you might believe. You have survived, and for that, you are strong."

Rowan was wiser than most people had any right to be, and his logic wasn't really able to be flawed, and if books were her source of relationship knowledge then it made sense, right? The assassin and the broken girl always end up together, in the end. Princesses are boring, that made canonical sense, and the outcast is always the best option right?

Maybe using allegory from young adult fiction wasn't the best idea, but it made her calm down, at least. I mean, out of all the characters she'd read, who didn't love Valek?

"I didn't used to think this many people could get my trust." Elena smiled, just a little, "They just kept surprising me at every turn, almost made me into an optimist, that would be funny to see."

"It's like that old idiom, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Thank you, Rowan, for reminding me." Elena was more relaxed when Rowan took her hands this time, "I may have left London but it didn't leave me. Although, if you believe I'm not broken, then I'll trust you over my own logic on this one. You're wiser than I am, that's for sure."

"Of course. Life has a way of surprising everyone."

The male smiled softly. Wise? Maybe. But all he was trying to do was help out.  He wouldn't mind doing this with anyone else. Rowan sighed louder than he would have liked. He leaned back, lying in the snow. He met min like this, and now she was his best friend. Maybe this was the start of something good with Elena too. He hoped at least. As much as he preached good words, he was such a hypocrite. He never took any of his own words to heart. He was lonely. And broken himself. He was barely living, if not surviving. He neglected to eat most days. He ran himself to the point of exhaustion. He didn't take help. But here he was. 
He smiled as he sat up again, looking to Elena. 

"I'm really not that good. There's no need to thank me. I promise." 

He was supposed to be getting better. He wasn't though. Still broken. Elena was improving though, that was something to look forward to. Rowan grabbed something out of his bag. A chocolate bar. He split it in half and offered the piece to Elena.