must be out of my head
collection of drafted (and later scrapped) letters addressed to @Azrael Faire
28 November 2022
Dear Azzy,
I think I'm losing my mind over you. Ever since we met, I can't get you out of my head. You occupy so many of my thoughts, it's starting to drive me mad. There's so much I want to tell you, but I'm terrified to. I'm scared to let my walls down and let you get close to me, but I can't seem to get enough of being around you.
This all sounds insane, and I honestly don't even know why I bother writing it all down. It's not like I'd ever tell you any of this. I'll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I'll die.
crumpled up and discarded 29 November
25 December 2022
Dear Azzy,
Happy Christmas, if Christmas is what you celebrate. My dad was raised Catholic, so that means we do. Ha... it also means during the weeks I'm home for break, I have to be extra careful. You already know I'm not out to my family, but I never told you how hard it is to be home for such prolonged periods of time..
It must be so different for you, being out to your family and not having to hear people misgendering you so often. I mostly just hide in my room with my music, but Christmas is always a family day. My mum and I bake lots of sweets with Rhylee, and the boys of the house find terribly cheesy movies for us to watch. Mum got me more dresses and similarly related stuff... joy. Dad bought me a broom… I think he wants me to get into Quidditch like Rhun and Rhain. Or maybe broomracing? I don’t know.
I’ll save you some sweets, if I can gather the courage to actually give them to you.
discarded in the back of a notebook and forgotten (for now)
must be out of my head
31 December 2022
Dear Azzy,
I ate the sweets… sorry, my dad and I got into a pretty bad argument about my behavior and whatnot, and I locked myself in my room and ate my feelings.
Ringing in the New Year, huh? I wonder what you’re up to. Any resolutions? I think I’ll dye my hair darker like Rhain’s. I know he has extra boxes in his and Rhun’s bathroom, under the sink. I should also get around to actually sending a letter that I write to you, instead of scrapping it. There’s just so much to say, and I don’t know where to start.
But I guess I’ll drink sparkling cider in your honour (like I wouldn’t be thinking about you anyways… you’re all I ever think about, and it’s infuriating)
Discarded 31 December
must be out of my head
15 January 2023
a shitty gay playlist about you
out of my league-fitz & the tantrums
love is a laserquest-arctic monkeys
cloud 9-beach bunny
say it first-role model
still a friend-backseat lovers
affection-between friends
crush-tessa violet
soren-beabadoobee
dance with me-beabadoobee
lovesick-beach bunny
a shitty gay song about you-ezra williams
just friends-keshi
used to you-mxmtoon
stargazing-the neighborhood
get free-lana del rey
talk-beabadoobee
grocery store-cavetown
the perfect pair-beabadoobee
(she's) just a phase-puma blue
stuffed in the back of a sketchbook
playlist for @Azrael Faire
must be out of my head
14 February 2023
@Azrael Faire,
It's Valentine's day and I hate it. Rumor has it you're taking Jessicah to the ball. Suppose that means I should let go of these ridiculous delusions I've been having about you liking me back. I don't know why I even care. I SHOULDN'T care.
Kayla Realma asked me to the ball, and while we're hardly what I would call 'friends,' at least I can tell my mum I went. I'm writing-- and scrapping-- this letter in the library. Like ever letterbefore this one, you'll never know its contents.
Are you happy? It seems so. I hope so, anyways. Even if I'm not.
torn up 15 February
must be out of my head
16 February 2023
Azzy,
I find myself often thinking of nicknames for you, as if I have the privilege to do so. I realize I don't, and that the person most entitled to do this is Jessicah, if my intuition is to be trusted. As always, you'll never see this letter, so I'm scribbling the ideas here for my personal use (ha, I guess not really 'use'.. so I can continue to wallow and suffer with excellent nickname ideas)
Faire Maiden (your last name, of course, plus, you're very nice to look at)
Fairest of Them all (see above)
Fairy (last name + you're a bit of a MPDG (in a good way))
Az
Azra
El
Azzle Dazzle
Rae
Azzmatazz, Razzmatazzy
Most of these are horrid, but what does it matter, if I never get to use them anyways?
folded up and stored in the folds of Rhys's robes
must be out of my head
18 February 2023
So... last night was a bit of a trip... where to start? Guess it doesn't really matter, considering I've no intention of actually sending you this letter (surprise surprise)
Well, I'll say you looked stunning yesterday, no matter the time. I'm sorry I couldn't provide the answer you wanted yesterday... I still need time to process everything that went on. I don't want to get hurt (again). Everyone I've ever cared about has only every hurt me. So I need time to process. Maybe I will give you this note, to give you a bit of insight on what the heck is going on in my head.
Rhys
folded and carefully set atop @Azrael Faire's pillow