Finished I’m Unsure How To Feel… PV: Ava Winchect

Dear Charlie,
I wish I could say you have no good reason to hate me. But as time goes on, I feel more and more angry with myself. There is a reason I never reached out to you from this place. I felt the need to punish myself just as much as everyone at the school will. I don’t even know why I did what I did. I know it’s no good excuse, but I was sleep deprived—not in my right mind. I promise when I get back you can punch me as many times as you like.

I miss you as well. You can’t imagine how…well, different it is here. I miss you, my friends and the classes. I hope I’ll see you soon. Maybe. I’ll be standing by the lake when you next ready to receive those punches and shoves.

Your hated friend,
Ava

Dear Ava,
Glad you got my note. I can see why you would hate yourself. If I were you I might not have even responded to the owl you received.

I still hate you though. Do you wanna know what I did when I found out what you did?

But still, why why why would you do that? Also when will you get out of there? What is it like in there? Sorry I’m asking so many questions, but I don’t know what else to ask.
-Charlie

Dear Charlie,
If I could undo my actions I would, trust me. The exercises here are supposed to help me, but they just frustrate me. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this because it could set back my return time but it’s true. I hate myself more and more each day. All I wish is I could go back in the past and warn myself.

I hate me too. I don’t want to know wat you did, but I suppose I deserve to hear it. Tell me, please. Whatever it is I deserve it.

I don’t know why I did it. I was sleep deprived, angry and not in my right mind…you don’t know how scary it is to have—him—in your face. Twice. I don’t know when I get out of here. You would probably know before me.

Your Hated Friend,
Ava

Dear Ava,
I know I know. Those exercises probably do help you. You need to try. Do your best. I bet that if you follow what they want and to the exercises and make them happy they will let you out sooner. You also have to try your best to behave, and be a good girl so then they won’t have to punish you.

I know I know that I’m starting to sound like your mum or dad, but I think that if you listen to me then you’ll get yourself out. Faster.

I do remember you being sleep deprived on the first day of class, did you ever sleep at all after that?
-Charlie

Dear Charlie,
I know they help me. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. If they weren’t to help me I would be at a muggle school right now, continuing my life as a muggle. I’m unsure what path I would choose if I had a choice. I do try my best, and your letters have helped me keep pushing. It’s hard sometimes to have persistence. I’m still waiting for my punishment, if I’m being honest.

Keep sounding like my mum or dad, they refuse to talk to me. Haven't heard from them since the start of the year. Not my fault either, I’ve tried talking to them. I have to stop writing about them. I’m supposed to be centering myself on happy stuff.

I never found sleep easily if I’m being honest. There was always something on my mind. But at least then I managed to get a few hours. Don’t share this with anyone else, but I was terrified that if I slept that—he—would make good on his threats.

Your hated friend,
Ava

Dear Ava,
I keep forgetting that you are muggleborn Ava. I’m glad that I’ve kept you going. Honestly it’s good to have a friend like that, on that keeps you going. I feel like owling you is better than just staying mad at you and ignoring you. So thanks.

Oh my goodness Ava. That is horrible. I’m so so sorry. I- don’t know what to say about that.

And again. Ava, you are safe. Maybe you should tell someone about how you feel. I bet it would help you. I know that would be hard, but again, maybe you should try. It might help you.
-Charlie

Dear Charlie,
Do you ever think less of me because I’m muggle born? You certainly wouldn’t be the first. Does that mean you don’t hate me? Maybe it’s safer if you still do. I feel like everyone hates me. I certainly gave them a good reason to. Especially you. I basically betrayed you.

It’s fine. Say nothing. Not many here can relate to my problems.

It’s hard to feel safe now. I have a sick feeling in my gut all the time. I can’t tell anyone how I feel. I’m the villain in this story. Everything I say now will probably be used against me. I just…don’t know how I’ll ever return to normal life after this. I wish I had someone to relate to.

Your hated friend,
Ava

Dear Ava,
No. Do you remember the first day we met on the train? I helped you. You were wearing that dress, had no idea what hogwarts even was. I mean… yes I still hate you for what you did. But just so you know, even though I’m all the way at hogwarts, I’m cheering for you. Not for you to make more dumb choices, but to get outta there.

Ava. You HAVE TO TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL!!! It’s not ok that you feel like that. You must tell someone.

Your sympathetic friend,
Charlie

Dear Charlie,
I remember that day…talk about embarrassing. I wish it hadn’t happened, besides the part about me meeting you. Keep hating me. It’s safer for you and for me if you’re not seen as the villain sympathizer. Do you want to go down as the one who liked the villain of Hogwarts? Don’t cheer for me. Cheer for me once I’m outta here and only then.

They already know how I feel. If they don’t read through these letters then I’ll eat these letters while wearing a sequined dress. Dancing around in the middle of a street.

Your hated friend,
Ava