Ethical Advertisement PV Cassandra Ironwoods

13 May, 2022

Are you, dear reader, in dire need of social interaction? Perhaps the season of thorny roses has left you without a proper spring in your step, or perhaps each breakfast in the Great Hall gets more bleak as it begins to promise nothing more than nutritious food items that fulfill all the needs of an adolescent or prepubescent diet, or perhaps you’ve run out of things to use as an excuse to get out of your grandmother/s’s latest bingo competition. Or your grandfather/s’s. Or your general grandparent/s’s. It is the 21st century wherein plural forms are very cool, as I am sure you can tell.

I, Leonard Wendell Oaksworth, have a simple solution that you will most surely find superb. The 24th of May marks the day in which I was, fourteen years ago, was pushed forth into Earth by my lovely mother who has coincidentally vowed to never give birth again. As I go past what many consider the threshold of teenagehood and enter whatever fourteen’s supposed to do, I’ve matured to realise the importance of companionship. Specifically, companionship that can function with the appellation of a date. Now, I am not considering this to be a date in the romantic sense, and I encourage you to do the same. This date is for one day and one day alone, culminating on my birthday and first materialising through these letters.

The Super Awesome and Amazing and Overall Very, Very Good Rewards You’ll Reap Because You Should Do This:

• Premium baked goods from the acclaimed oven of Oaksworth Bakery.
• Fun prizes and games that are totally not bingo.
• The chance to meet nice people as you ‘date’ a mildly okay one.

Requirements:

• You do not identify as male or use he/him pronouns. While it is, as noted above in my hyperbolic example of an activity entities under the age of seventy may find unpleasant or tedious, the 21st century, I believe it most beneficial towards our respective social statuses and my personal relations with a juvenile dragon tamer that you, prospective date person, are anything but a gentleman. Besides, and be honest with me, have you ever seen a Hogwarts gentleman? A remotely gentle student in general?
• You are a third year aged thirteen or above, though I reckon anyone above fifth year should be preparing for either NEWTs or OWLs. If you are younger than this, you will and should also be looking out for a baby bearded dragon sneaking up to your mouth with a chosen weapon of duct tape.
• Your consenting presence will be essential in the party proper, as will be your cooperation in affixing our positions to one another throughout the event. While I would much rather we not outright deceive others about our ‘relationship’, it should be convincing enough that all questions can be answered when other attendants (most likely a blonde Gryffindor boy in reptilian apparel) ask what in the world is going on.
• I suggest we exchange a minimum of five letters apiece in which we will discuss all important topics related to this ‘date’. Said topics include, but may not be limited to necessary information about you including house and year, what you’re expecting from the party, any suggestions for its games, and whatever you think will help build a deeper connection between us to exist for exactly one day.

About Me:

• I am a Slytherin neither chauvinistic nor disloyal in support of my house. I reside in Snape Dormitory, though I certainly haven’t befriended all members of that place if you’re concerned. Believe me, I would be concerned too.
• I am primarily interested in the sport of Duelling, finding the speedy spellcasting and teamwork factors fascinating. I do watch Quidditch matches every now and then due to my friends’ interest or participation in the sport, but neither its Hogwarts nor professional leagues are something I keep up with or, as is the same case with Broom Racing, particularly want to try out for myself.
• I am an (in words that are not mine) exemplary student whose skill most shines in the subjects of Herbology, Potions, and History of Magic.

EXTRA NOTES: As I am a devoted student to this establishment of education and have not an avian animal companion, I will most likely be reading any owls addressed to me during or during free periods wherein I may go up to the Owlery. I have attached a cleanly cut photograph of myself along with credits and captions, all of which I hope will incentivise my offer. Rest assured that, though without a formal dress code due to the undeniable fact some planned attendants don’t have anything more fancy than their pyjamas to wear, all attire shall be as presentable as my own.

EXTRA EXTRA NOTES: I suffered hand cramps for this poster. Please bombard me with owls.

@Cassandra Ironwoods