PV it isn’t cool to represent MTV anymore (a very official interschool communication)

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To: darlingbitchboy@gmail.com

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Subject: hi SaucePAN

HEYO(hannes) IT’S ME. You know. The best of the Bex. Not a murderous golden bear from some 2010s indie horror game, though I could pull off the look if i wanted to. Not that I would want to, ‘cause us wizards have better stuff to do like enchant actual bears into becoming gold statues and homework. Don’t judge the proper caps and grammar and whatever, I’m writing this at an hour where the only thing awake is New York’s electric prices and right now everything is purple. Like, I’m not sure if you wear glasses because I lowkey forgot 90 percent (no i can’t find the percent key on the keyboard right now i’m actually dying here for you) of our first meeting but I’m pretty sure you weren’t and might not? But I’ve got these things on as a fashion statement and I’ve been wearing them for so long that they’ve probably imprinted on my nose. Like my nose bones have molded themselves to fit those things.

So, if you somehow forgot the guy at the birthday party with the super ultra premium pillows and the pineapple print shirt, I’m. Well. the guy at the birthday party with the super ultra premium pillows and the pineapple print shirt. Except i’m not wearing that right now and i’ve got a really rough pillow planted against my face that’s like really dusty for some reason. Wait nvm that’s my charms textbook

THAT ASIDE. I’ve actually been really excited to talk to someone outside of ilvermorny but still magical but also not british because what are those accents. I thought how to train your dragon was hard to understand w/o subtitles but apparently there’s more than downton abbey to this whole shebang. Is that how you spell shebang?? Whatever basically it’s super cool to talk to other people and that birthday party was full of cool people. Not as cool as us but yknow that’s a standard higher than citizen kane. Citizen kane was kinda boring tho. Also what are your favorite movies because i;m willing to watch some russian stuff as long as it’s on a pirating site

Jesus christ this got longggg. I know you’re probably like old and wise and cool but not old enough to be one of the many many many headmaster principal dudes with their long beards and detention happy trigger fingers. But yeah, feel free to talk about your own fancy wizard stuff or what you’re planning for summer or graduation because that’s educational and some billionaire dude’s probs gonna rebuy the company hosting these emails and hack into our personal info and start the third wizard war. Peace out

P.s. i think youre really cool but what is your @. Like do you have any idea what my search history looks like after trying to find out if that was a reference to something. Do you have any idea what targeted advertisements i’m getting. At least you’ll get cat comics while i get urban dictionary and nobody wants urban dictionary i swear

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An (To:): magicalgarfield@gmail.com

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Betreff (Subject:): [RE] hi SaucePAN

Seville Sunglasses,

Ayoo! Honestly, I didn't think you would get in contact considering how that birthday party ended up and how rarely people use email. Ngl your business cards are actually okay, looking back on it, to the point that i think i still have it in a book somewhere or another. I can't tell which one right now and im not really in a position to go check unless i want to get destroyed by my grandfather's stare before he leaves for work in the morning. I'm just wondering why you specified your email address and not something more often used like a phone number?? If you did write it down, i can't read this handwriting... Putting down your contact information like this feels like some LinkedIn adult connections type interaction dude

anyway!! why r you so right about the accents? I swear, every time a hogwarts student opens their mouth in my vicinity, i can only hear either 1.) an extra from a Regency-era tv-series with shitty costume design, 2.) Merida from Brave or 3.) Thomas O'Malley. It's incredibly jarring to listen to english all day long, but I envy y'all for not needing to learn a whole new language just for fancy wizarding school. Do you realise how many kids I've had to help learn Russian??? Its simultaneously so genius yet so inconvenient since we're forced to bond over the horrors of the Russian language in order to keep up with whats happening in class. i've only started learning years back before starting at Durm, but tbh it just gives actual Russian students an immediate lingual advantage in classes.

Asking for movie reccs is like asking for a playlist of most recently listened to songs-- it's a test of figuring out personal tastes and trying not to embarrass urself as you share your takes on stuff. I watch a whole variety of things (a lot of them not even Russian or anything) but i'll try my best to give out suggestions.

Kukushka is a movie with an interesting concept, so don't judge it by its wackass movie promo pics before you watch it. Ngl, a lot of movie posters make the movie look lamer than it actually is, but I guess that's the limits of advertising a whole movie in one page... having said that, I really liked The Dark Valley but like,,, It was way too gritty to be watched at 3pm on a Tuesday. I bet it would be so much more atmospheric at a better time. Goodbye Lenin! is sorta an obligatory title to list if we're talking about movies, with a great musical score you just have to appreciate.

If u r looking for older titles, then I found Ivan Vasilyevich Changes His Profession decent, but i don't know if the subtitles would do justice to the language-related misunderstandings that the movie runs off of as comedy?? My friends and I had a movie marathon of the War and Peace movies some time ago, so that's a super-long suggestion for ya. Since I've been rambling so much, this is a demand for you to also give me movie recommendations. It just so happens that a lot of 20th-century movies are war films and it's hard to distinguish the good from the bad so i usually watch those films in a group instead of alone or with one other person

The idea of being considered "old" and "wise" and akin to beard-toting Breakfast Club antagonist prunes makes me want to scream omg, how dare you assert that idea onto me. In my experience, it's not detention-giving principals that's the trouble around here, it's the straight-laced square students and over-vigilant teachers that are dragging our disciplinary records around. The worst thing ever is when you have a person that gets you caught so often you get cautious of them even when you aren't doing anything, which makes you act more suspicious than if you actually committed any crazy schemes. And then if you get 'caught' by them, its for nothing worth it. The only good thing about dodging these people's attention is that u learn to be more aware of yourself, whether you're doing something or not.

Aw fuck you're right, these do get long very quickly...

idk what magical multibillionaire is going to have the audacity to challenge google for gmail but knock on wood, just in case. Now that u've brought up information stealing hacks, i feel like i cant really say anything about my plans without destroying secrecy stuff or whatever, but I think summer things will go well!! If we somehow get anywhere close to each other, we should hang out. but considering ur talking about NYC being quiet when its 10 am over there rn (what blackout curtains do you use??? Unless your perpetual nose-moulding glasses are also tinted darker), I can't tell if we could lmao

Extremely flattered at being considered cool,
JoJo's bizarre adventures pt 420

P.S. Look, it was originally a joke title and then it stuck. At least mine makes a personality trait clear, @magicalgarfield is just asking for muggle-accustomed wizards to catch on. Instead of urban dictionary, I get the existential hell that is 'garfield minus garfield'?? Which is arguably just as chaotic when Reddit makes me want to die inside

P.S.S. Am I supposed to be 'saucePAN'? Is this a subject u were going to bring up and just didn't bc u forgot or smthn?? What's happening in this subject title my guy

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