Just Wanted to Say Hi or Whatever pv Alec Mason fin

wearing: slytherin uniform

hex: #3a5948

“Ha, really? We're doing this?” Alec scoffed, and Wyatt couldn’t suppress a flinch at the sound. It was harsh, and he deserved worse, but it sounded unnatural coming from Alec. For a moment, Wyatt had worried it was someone else. “No, nope. I mean, you tried, I'll give you that, but you knew- we both knew that was never going to work.”

Did he? Wyatt wasn’t sure what he had expected from Alec. Alec, who was just as stubborn as Wyatt was, possibly more so. It wasn’t meant to be some gesture of… anything, really. Wyatt just had a feeling that talking to Alec further would mean double the tears and it was already going to take Wyatt a second to get his face back to normal. So did he actually want Alec to leave? Yes, it would be the most rational decision, leaving him in the best position to get his shit together. But did he expect his words to have any effect on his friend at all? Not really; Deep down, he’d known.

Alec’s decision, conscious or otherwise, to not continue on his rant about what Wyatt was doing was appreciated. Considering it, he thought he may have started to be a bit rude to Alec had he gone on. Though it may not abide by the popular definition of the word, Wyatt thought his behavior to be overdramatic; A few tears and sliding down a wall was all it took for him to think he was in hysterics. His current state was something he wished Alec not to see on the same level one may be averse to prying eyes if they were screaming and crying down the corridors in their underwear.

“Do you mind if I stay, if I sit with you?” Alec asked, the kind person he was. Wyatt wanted to say no, to tell him that he should leave before someone saw them. But his breath had hitched when Alec sat down and Wyatt only realized as he began to feel faint. He exhaled and inhaled, suddenly too aware of his breathing and unable to stop.

“This feels oddly familiar...” Alec whispered. Wyatt wanted to throw up. He felt a phantom itch on his nose at the memory. It was some time in May of their first year, and Alec had planned a prank. More safety hazard than prank, Wyatt recalled, but he meant no harm by it. Alec had put soap on the floor of the corridor and Wyatt slipped. Broke his nose. Called Alec a bastard. Passed out. Refused help. God, he was awful to Alec.

How dare he think of the Gryffindor as a friend after everything he had done? How ungrateful he’d been, how thoughtlessly rude. And then he accepted Alec’s friendship and his help like he deserved it? Like it was something he had earned? No, he hadn’t earned anything, and Alec just handed it to him like it was fair. Alec brought up the memory like it was something distant and hilarious. A simple misunderstanding that didn’t even involve them.

“I'll sit with you for as long as you stay here. If you want to leave in a bit I want to walk with you at least a little of the way if not all of the way to wherever you're going.”

“Alec, please.” Wyatt didn’t know what he was begging Alec for. At this point, there were too many possibilities. Was it to be quiet? Was it to pull him closer? Was it to make conversation? Was it to leave him alone? Was it to abandon him forever? Wyatt knew which he wanted and which he deserved, that was for sure. He looked up, but could only bring himself to stare at the wall before him. When Wyatt spoke, his voice was almost robotic. Carefully monotone.

“I know you say we’re friends, but I haven’t earned your friendship. It was barely two years ago that you broke my nose on accident and that I was awful to you when you were only trying to help. And those things I said to you, in your own home. The things I noticed that summer and used against you… I ruined your whole summer, and I never apologized for anything and you don’t deserve that and I don’t deserve you.

“And I want to help you the way you help me but I don’t know how. I don’t want to leave you alone but I worry that I can’t be of enough use to you. Plus all the rumors you get swept up in every time someone sees me with someone I’m not yelling at… I am not changed from that time, I am not good. You deserve good, and I can’t be that. I didn’t want this to be a thing, so I gave you the chance to go and you didn’t and now I think I’m confused.

“I understand that you’re here and it’s because you say we’re friends. But I don’t know why and it hurts. I can’t figure it out though I’m trying. I’m really trying, please believe me, but I still cannot understand it.”

Interacting: @Alec Mason
Mentioning: N/A

Description: Alec is wearing his school uniform, his nails are painted white, the book he brought with him was--
--kicked out of his line of sight

Alec had trouble expressing emotions. Things that were deeper than other people's problems. He never seemed to have the words to place it into a sentence. His own negative thoughts, the anxiety that felt like it was too much to let other people help him handle. Fears and insecurities, he could express none of it. Maybe that was why he'd avoided Wyatt. He didn't want to feel helpless and vulnerable. He didn't want to end up frustrated because he couldn't talk about it. He didn't want to put too much onto other people. Alec was a lot, people could not deal with that. Alec listened to Wyatt speak. He didn't know what Wyatt was trying to do. But he was willing to spell out what was going on his head for Alec, and the third-year needed a few minutes to process it. When he looked like he understood, he attempted to speak, but stopped himself moving his mouth he didn't let a word out. Alec felt selfish. He was making this about himself if he said what he was going to say. This was about Wyatt. And it was about Wyatt and Alec didn't even know if the about Wyatt thing was working, none of Alec's talking from that point seemed to helped. He couldn't make up something to get his way through this one anyway. He may as well accept defeat, and sit staying defeated in it. Alec supposed using his original sentence worked then. “The feeling is mutual.”

Saying that out loud made Alec realize just how bad his personal issues had gotten. He'd never worked on any of it. He was an anxious mess before his parent's divorce, but the event heightened it. Alec spent so much time distracting himself, he didn't want to have the time to go over any of it. He didn't want to feel any worse. It all hurt, it hurt a lot. Alec felt like Jackie whenever he let himself recognize it existence. The feeling was helpless and miserable. He wanted to in that moment make himself small and disappear. Alec didn't want to have the chance to be questioned on such a statement, as if he couldn't really understand. Or give Wyatt the chance to let the words seep in enough to do or say anything on it. “I don't know what I'm trying to do. I say all these things, and I believe them for you, it's different when their applied to me. I'm so hypocritical...”Speaking at all was a mistake. Alec just should have kept quiet and sat with Wyatt.



“I've hurt people this school year, so many people. I don't know why... I just- it makes-” Alec removed his hands from the ground and buried his face into his arms. “I ruined a kid's birthday and I-I made Henry so mad he punched me. I shoved someone into the lake, it was after curfew and dangerous. And the duel- augh-” The highlight roll. Alec felt guilty, he knew it was wrong. Alec almost felt like there was no making anything better after the damage had been done. And now he was making everything about himself, again. “I don't know how to fix it. I can't. I didn't want to tell you because I am scared of losing you,” 'You were bullied and I'm the same, just like them, no different' Alec never wanted to have to say that to Wyatt. Alec was able to keep his composure for the most part, keeping his gaze focused anywhere other than Wyatt. “-hurting you.” Confession time, fun. Alec didn't know how to keep going on like this. Wyatt seemed to think Alec could do nothing wrong, and Alec kept feeling more and more guilty about every little thing each second that passed.

“It's so stupid. I am incredibly dumb.” Alec being dumb wasn't new news, who sets up a prank without checking about safety first and not stopping to think someone could get a broken nose from it? Grades were such mean little liars. Because even though Alec could get o's apparently that wasn't enough to function and prove useful anywhere else. “Then I hear you and I know I don't deserve anything, may as well get it all over with. And rumors are by the way the last of my worries. Feel better about that.” This was bad Alec was going nowhere with this, a confession helping nothing. All it did was make Alec feel like he wasn't lying to Wyatt. In turn making him feel worse for not straight up bringing it up in the first place. Wyatt did deserve to know who he was associating himself with. “According to the rumors, I got into a full-fledged fight with Henry. My first duel of the year is somewhere in there too... It was bad. The rumors aren't really rumors as much as slightly dramatic re-tellings. Of course there's also what happened at summer camp, that one keeps resurfacing.” Every little thing he kept from Wyatt. How had Wyatt not heard? Alec had no idea. It was better to directly hear it from the source.

“I'm sorry.” Dumping this on Wyatt at a time like this was bad. It slipped from Alec's lips. He had to continue down the rabbit hole once he'd started. It wasn't what the sorry was for... Maybe it was letting Wyatt down.

@Wyatt Starkey | Mentioning(very briefly): Henry Knight

wearing: slytherin uniform

hex: #3a5948

When Alec had confessed that Wyatt’s feeling of confusion was mutual, everything went cold. The blood in Wyatt’s veins was instantaneously transfigured into cool water and it would have sent a shiver down his spine if he hadn’t stilled with fear at the thought of being the cause of any of Alec’s emotional turmoil. Or the source of some confusion. Or prolonged consideration in general. The idea sickened him and made him tense.

The way Alec’s words were immediately interpreted was that they were a confession, and this was Alec finally saying he didn’t know why he stayed either, and this was when he would leave. But he didn’t, even though Wyatt internally willed him to. Still, the gesture wasn’t enough to convince Wyatt that Alec wasn’t actually coming to the realization that he hated his guts all along. Yes, Wyatt’s initial reaction to Alec’s response was that Alec agreed with what Wyatt said. That he deserved better and should run along before he was seen.

Good, Wyatt concluded to himself. It is just. But he didn’t feel that way. He felt like he wanted to sink into the stone below and rest trapped under the corridor for eternity. The current weight on (in?) his chest felt like practice for the real thing, but this wait for the ground to suck him up was beginning to make him a bit irritated. Hogwarts had proven itself sentient enough to realize such things before. Why did the castle ignore him now? A small glance upward would reveal that even the portraits had been abandoned.

Wyatt was quick to bury his face in his arms again. He wasn’t able to control is expression, and didn’t want Alec to have to see him struggle. If he’d eaten yet that day, no doubt it would have come back up by now. A few more seconds passed. And then a couple more. Then a dozen. And then Wyatt lost track. But through all of those seconds, Alec had remained seated. To Wyatt’s confusion and slight horror, of course. A small groan.

It had no right to rattle his throat, to make him sound like a whining child. Shockingly, however, Wyatt did not notice it. He, himself, had produced the pained noise, but did not process the sound at all. While the sound had not been quite understood, Wyatt knew he must have looked pathetic. He thought briefly that it wasn’t supposed to end this way, but if this was the day that Alec finally saw Wyatt for who he actually was, it would have been worth the trouble. A part of Wyatt hated himself for “befriending” Alec. For lying to a good person for the sake of his own happiness or fulfillment. It wasn’t fair to Alec, who Wyatt felt as though had taken advantage of.

But when Alec elaborated, Wyatt realized that in Alec’s words, there was another meaning. Alec had not meant that he agreed with Wyatt’s statement. In actuality, his opinion seemed to be quite the opposite. He didn’t agree with Wyatt, he shared the exact same feeling. It was frankly migraine-inducing to find that Alec had feared to lose him. And after Alec admitted that he feared to hurt him, Wyatt would later be shocked to realize his initial reaction wasn’t to be insulted by the insinuation he was some sort of damsel in distress.

Alec wasn’t perfect, and he was desperately trying to get Wyatt to understand this. Much in the same way Wyatt was hoping Alec would recognize that there wasn’t any good in him at all. He thought it would be easier. It had always proven to be that way, too. Still, it was undeniable how wrong it felt to try and convince Alec of his negative character. It was almost painful, because around Alec, Wyatt felt truly safe and cared for.

When Alec apologized, Wyatt sighed. It wasn’t his place to say sorry for anything. He hadn’t done anything to Wyatt, after all. Why did he feel the need to say sorry? Wyatt had apologized profusely for many things: Wasting Alec’s time and testing his patience definitely had their spots on the list. But Alec had only been kind. To Wyatt. Though it sounded like when it came to others, not so much. How frighteningly familiar.

But there was a comfort that came with this: If neither of them qualified to be good, there was no one to corrupt.

“Don’t be sorry,” Wyatt affirmed. He attempted a comforting tone, but even he could recognize he just sounded sad. With a sniff he lifted his head to stare at the wall before him and extending his legs. His right arm found itself lying lazily on his lap, while his left arm had fallen to his side, its hand meeting chilled stone. His pinky landed above Alec’s, but he made no effort to alter his position. Wyatt was barely in touch with his senses anymore. There was too much confusion clouding his brain, and too many tears clouding his vision.

Wyatt’s face, in expression, was not that of someone who was crying, though. It was stone, and this time, unintentionally. The many thoughts and feelings racing in his head would not be properly expressed through the limitations of the average human facial structure. Because of this, he had resorted to his default.

“You may not be perfectly good, but you’re good to me, and that’s scary enough. I do wish you would look after yourself better, but I similarly recognize the hypocrisy of those words coming from me,” he smirked. “Your, erm, confession doesn’t make me feel any comfort but it also doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Nor do I think any less of you because you have some enemies and some rumors. You don’t need my approval, I know, but if it helps at all to know you’re still the same to me after sharing some flaws, then… good.

“It’s odd: A piece of me that’s bigger than I’d like to admit wants you to hate me to make things easier and I don’t know what that means. I don’t know why I’m telling you, either. I still believe you deserve everything I can give you and everything I cannot and I hate to admit I haven’t got an answer as to why I think that either. Being confused is so… I just feel lost and erm… a bit scared. For so many reasons.

“Sorry. There’s nothing you can do, so I don’t want to worry you too much, but,” Wyatt’s voice fizzled out. Slowly, but more out of exhaustion than caution, he leaned and rested his head on Alec’s shoulder.

“Never let me talk this much again. Please.”

Interacting: @Alec Mason
Mentioning: N/A