You're Alive In My Head SOLO

06/01/22
After Remembrance
TW: death

Dear Alexa,
Ebony suggested that I keep a diary. It helped her, apparently, for the first few months after River died. She still keeps one now, but hardly ever writes in it from what I can tell. I'm going to write this, not like a diary exactly, but as letters, letters to you.
It looks a little strange when it's written down like that. You'll never read these letters - you'll never even know they exist - but already I think I feel a little better writing this all down. A song came on the radio earlier which had these lyrics I thought captured this perfectly. I can't remember the rest of the song, but these lines have just been going round and round in my head. I'll write them down here.

"And if I didn't know better
I'd think you were listening to me now
If I didn't know better
I'd think you were still around
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, you're alive in my head
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, so alive"

Of course, that's the difference here. You're not alive. It hurt to right that. It's hard, Alexa, it's so hard even just to admit that you're dead, that you're dead and nothing will ever change it. No magic can bring back the dead. It's one of those rules that I just wish I could change, and you know that I don't usually try to change rules. They're there for a reason, but this one... I think I'd do almost anything to get you back, but I can't. There's nothing I can do. I wish there was, but there it is. I'll never see you again, and it hurts like someone's pushing pins into my heart every time I think about it.
Well, I guess I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I don't know if I believe in an afterlife. I have this feeling that there's something - death can't just mean you stop, right? - but I don't know what. But if there is, and you are actually reading this... I hope you know that I miss you. I miss you so much it makes my heart ache.
@Henry Knight misses you too. I talked to him earlier, at the courtyard. We talked about you, and we shared our memories, and it was strangely comforting. I never told you - I'd like to say I didn't have chance, but I did, I was just... scared, I guess - but we had a fight before the holidays, over halfbreeds. I ended up screaming at him until his ears bled. It was terrifying, and the horrible thing is that it came so naturally. I just- opened my mouth, and it came out, and I felt like a real Veela, and it scared me so much that I just ran away, leaving him bleeding at the side of the lake.
Speaking of Veela, and things I never told you.
I'm part-Veela. That's it. I've lied to everyone I've ever met, said I was a pureblood, and in reality I'm nothing better than a werewolf at the end of the day. In fact, I might be worse, because at least a werewolf is only dangerous once a month. I'm dangerous all the time, to everyone around me, and I've spent my life squashing that deep down inside me so I'd never hurt anyone, but the episode with Henry showed me... I don't know what. That I need to try harder? That whenever I get angry I'm practically a safety hazard? I'm just glad I never hurt you.
I'm tired, and I need to go to bed, but before I go there's just one more thing I want to say, Alexa. I almost told you, so many times. There were times when I'd open my mouth and nothing would come out, and there were times when I'd get to "I'm" and chicken out and start talking about the weather or something. I even wrote in to the Headliner - the advice column, do you remember? - and I can almost quote the response exactly. "You're better than that". They said that someone - Ebony, I guess - had entrusted me with this secret and therefore I should keep it secret. I guess that's what I was afraid of, all those times I almost let the words come out but choked them back down. At first, it was not knowing if you'd keep it secret, or wondering if you'd hate me because of it, but then I think it ended up being that it's Ebony and Briar and Willow's secret too, you know? I don't really know what I'm writing any more. I think this is my cue to go to sleep.
I'm going to keep these letters in a beautiful box that somebody left on my bed, with a note saying that I'm not alone. Writing this has made me feel less alone, I think.
Your best friend, forever and always,
Lucia

Lucia will write letters to Alexa throughout her time at Hogwarts and keep them in the green box, next to her bed. They will become one of her most treasured possessions.
In this thread will be the most important letters.