Perfect Solo

[font=times new roman] Christmas time, back home with her granny, Del didn't know if she loved it or hated it. Her birthday was on Christmas eve, getting showered in love by her Grandmother who hadn't seen her in months, she did love that. But when she was back home in their tiny little cottage with her Granny and their cat that just showed up one day last year and her granny fed it so he kept coming back, Delilah Stewart never felt more alone.

For the past couple of years in particular she struggled with her own thoughts, but over time she got better at covering it up. Panic attacks in the abandoned bathroom, lying in her bed crying silently so her dormmates wouldn't hear and worry about her. She cared too much about everybody else to care enough about herself. Forcing herself into her studies more and more to try and find a distraction. All while her brain was telling her she was a failure, she was useless, repeating past mistakes, when they lost the duel to Dmitri and Ruby, when she was close to getting an E in one of her exams, she had to be perfect.

It was 1 am or so, lying in her bed, significantly less comfortable than her usual bed in the castle, curled up in a ball, crying into her pillow silently, even though there wasn't a single chance her granny in the next room would hear, the cottage was old, there was a thick layer of bricks between them.

Delilah Stewart, the perfect student, the perfect grandaughter the perfect heir to the Stewart line. Sure the Stewart line wasn't particularly prestigious, but her granny liked to believe they were. Delilah was perfect, never slipping up, Straight Os since the day she started, when she found out she couldn't fly she was so disappointed in herself that she couldn't even bring herself to tell her granny that flying was a thing. Delilah came to resent that word, Perfect. She was no longer applauded for being perfect, it was expected that she was.

Wringing the bottom of her shirt in her hands as she couldn't stop her mind from racing, the more she panicked the more insane she felt. She was stupid, she was a disappointment, she has to be perfect, she isn't good enough, she will never be good enough, nothing is good enough. Things going around and around and around in her head, wanting to rip her skin off as she lay there, not even knowing what to do, almost feeling like she was dying even though she rationally knew she was fine. But she couldn't calm herself down.

She ended up sitting up, curling up that way and crying into her knees, thinking maybe being sat up would help pull more oxygen into her lungs as she tried her best to drag it in. Her hands going into her hair to pull at it, not enough to pull any out, just to be able to feel something, trying badly to ground herself as her entire body shook.

She was the only person her Granny had left, she had to be the best, she felt selfish for wanting her parents to still be alive because she barely even knew them, her Granny was the real one who lost something. She would always say, "Deli, darlin', am so proud of you." And while it was sweet, and she loved it when she said that, she couldn't help but think about how quickly that pride could go away. Caitlin told all of her friends about how brilliant her Grandaughter Delilah was, how she was away at a brilliant boarding school getting top grades and making the dwindling Stewart line proud, saying how her dad would be so proud, how her mam would be so proud, how she was making everybody proud. But instead of being happy she just felt alone, like she couldn't ask for help, she had to be the best at everything she did.

Delilah sat there for what felt like hours, gently rocking herself as her hands kept trying to find different things to do, from pulling her hair to gripping her clothes or her bedsheets, anything.

She was struggling to take it anymore.
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