The Search For Answers PV Howard White Finished

@Serena Towers

Howard had quickly fallen into a routine during his time at camp. At first he thought he would spend most of the days sleeping in, after all it was his best defense against the harsh summer sun. There were no classes to worry about or annoying Prefects making sure everyone was adhering to the Hogwarts schedule. Not to mention his nocturnal tendencies kept him up into the late hours of the night. All these factors lead him to believe that he would spend most of his days sleeping, but as time went on the opposite had gone into effect. His surroundings were too noisy and being cooped up in the tents with his peers was hardly his idea of a good time.

So, he had found himself rising rather early. A hike or jog around the lake was the usually start. Howard really wasn't one to worry about physical fitness. Ever since his change it had just kind of come naturally to him, but now he had Quidditch to worry about and that was something worth staying in shape for. From there it be time for some breakfast before he set about camp to visit with friends or to relax by the swimming area. Some might have seen him at the waters edge with his toes submerged and red eyes scanning the water with curiosity. Howard still wasn't sure if anybody knew the truth or not, but he still hadn't learned to swim. Not that he was likely to admit that anytime soon. After some relaxation it was time for some practice on the broom before lunch and that was just the event he was returning from when a familiar voice caught his ear.

"Oh!...Hey Serena." Howard was caught a little off guard as his voice rose just a little too high. There was always this funny feeling he got in his gut when she was around. The crush from last summer had dissipated over the year, especially after he had met Falentra, but there was something about Serena that made him skip a beat. There was no denying her beauty however she was just so damn...something. Having her approval meant a lot to him. "Umm, sure." Howard agreed to speak with her privately, his stomach flipping again as she grabbed him by the hand and lead him off into the nearby trees. As they came to a pause his hand would awkwardly separate from her as his red eyes began to shift about. "Uh...so...what's up?"

Interacting with @Howard White

"Oh- Sorry-" She mumbled as she quickly let go of his hand after realising that she had just grabbed it. That was likely unnecessary but in the specific moment, she did not think about it and had just tried to get him there as fast as possible. But now that they were alone, she did not really know what to say. It was such an awkward topic of conversation - how was she meant to bring such a thing up?

Pressing her hands together, she squeezed her fingers in them trying to figure out what she should say. There was not really a right way of doing this. Well, perhaps there was but she did not know what it was if there was. "R-right, uh well," She mumbled before clearing her throat. She looked down at the floor before looking around, as though to make sure that she was alone, "Okay so urm, I- I need to talk to you about something and uh, I don't really know- I have to ask you something-" She said hesitantly and awkwardly, trying to just get some words out but this was definitely not going well. This was definitely not an easy conversation. She was waving her hands around the entire time she spoke in gestures. Her arm movements did not really make any sense or contribute to the conversation at all but she was just trying to figure out how to say this.

It felt awkward but honestly, she was mostly just worried for her friends. Serena sighed, leaning against a tree and stopping there, "Okay, breathe." She muttered to herself as she buried her face in her hand for a moment. Clapping her hands together suddenly, she muttered a "Alright, I'm just going to just say this," before looking at him as she tried to hide her awkwardness.

"I just- don't take this the wrong way, please, okay? This isn't easy and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. I'm just really worried," She said softly, not wanting him to get mad or take it personally or anything. Though, perhaps it was personal. She had no idea but she hated this whole thing. She considered both of them friends and the whole thing could just be a misunderstanding but it just did not feel right to her. A part of her was worried about him getting annoyed at Jake but she mostly just did not want to hurt him and if he did not know then this might upset him. "I am probably misunderstanding it but I noticed something and- maybe I'm just imagining this, I probably am to be honest, like I am sure I'm just over-worrying but-" She started off with a calm tone but it quickly derailed into her rambling way too fast.

Sighing, she would continue after taking another deep breath, "I noticed that uh Jake - you know, uh the guy from Hufflepuff, he's in our cabin and stuff -" She started, quickly realising that he might not specifically know who she was talking about, "This is probably just stupid but I think he's a little uh... scared or something? And I just wondered if uh something happened?" She added, not sure what else to say on the matter. She was thinking his Dhampir-ness was intimidating but the intensity of Jake's reaction made her unsure if it was just that or if there was something more than that. Did they get into a disagreement or something? She had no idea. She was just concerned.

@Serena Towers

"Uh, don't be sorry." Howard replied with a shrug. What would she need to apologize for? His red eyes would shift about before searching hers. There was something that seemed a bit off about her as she jumbled her words and nervously played with her hands. It was a bit uncharacteristic of her, at least in his mind anyways. Although they did not hang out often he was used to her being completely comfortable around him. This was something that meant more to Howard than she might know as there were plenty of others that acted weird around him. His mind raced a bit to think of what could be the matter.

As she continued to speak her comfort level only seemed to worsen as her arms began to flail about. Whatever she had to say must have some weight behind. Howard would reach out to gently grab hold of her arms to bring them back to a rest before releasing them as she sighed. "Yeah, just take a breath." He encouraged her own advice. "Just say what you need to. I won't get mad or nothin'." What on earth she was so nervous about still had him stumped, but his statement was a bit of a stretch as he began to worry. Of course he could not think of a single thing she might do to upset him, but he knew there was plenty he had done that would offend her. This was the girl that quit Quidditch over too much fouling. "Serena, just...just tell me ok." This statement much less confident than the last as he continued discomfort began to make him nervous.

Oh how he would eat his words. As soon as the name Jake left her mouth he would visibly recoil and his body language would shift completely. Howard would take a step back as if physical distance would somehow save him from the pang of guilt that ripped through his belly. The look of terror on the young boy's face along with the loss of control was still something that haunted his dreams. However, it was not only his actions that day that he felt terrible about, but the true horror of that day was the dark part of him that had enjoyed the sense of domination as he held the younger Huffle down and used his presence to frighten him. "Huh? What?" Howard blathered. His voice shaky as his thoughts popped off like fire crackers. What did she know? How did she know? Had he said something? An unnatural urge to lie hit his chest as he opened his mouth, but out of all the things he was, liar was not one of them.

"Serena." There would almost be a plea that carried on his voice as his eyes fell and his shoulders slumped. How was he to explain himself? How could he explain the very part of him that wasn't even human? How could someone ever understand? Maybe they shouldn't. "I...I...We..." Howard let out a sigh before his eyes bright with emotion lifted to meet hers. "I bullied him." He admitted. Although that was hardly the complete truth. Terrorized was more accurate but he lacked the proper words to explain himself fully.

Interacting with @Howard White

In her awkward nervousness, she did not really even notice Howard's attempts at calming her down. She heard the words he was saying but did not panic at the fact that he was touching her arms or anything silly. Her mind - for once - was distracted by far more important matters. Serena squeezed her fingers together in her hands tightly. Not because it was felt comfortable or fun but rather just out of nerves. She nodded as she listened to his words about telling him. Right. He was right. He wouldn't get mad. He said that. So, she just had to tell him. Whilst the words had managed to finally leave her mouth, she looked down at the ground awkwardly. But she noticed him step back.

Shit. Did she offend him? Was he upset? Was he mad?

Hesitantly, she looked up as she heard his shaky voice. The way he said her name almost broke her heart, "Howard, it's okay-" She started whispering as she stepped closer to him, reaching out for him. Her hand would touch his upper arm if he did not move, pausing as she heard more words. Words that claimed that he had bullied the younger badger. What? No. No. That was. No, of course not. Howard wasn't a bully. Did he mean banter? Was it a misunderstanding? Did he say something else? Right, she must have just heard it wrong. She had to have. He obviously would not.

"Sorry, what did you just say?" She asked him bluntly, she must have misheard or something, surely? Misunderstood what he meant, perhaps? She must have. Serena should have said 'Sorry, I think I misheard you' or something but, deep down, she likely knew what he said. Her heart was just refusing to accept it. Howard wouldn't have. He just wouldn't, "What do you mean... you-" She paused, unable to really say the word. There was no way he would have intentionally bullied someone, especially not someone as innocent as Jake. After a second's pause, "As in, you... teased him?" She asked, a hint of hope running through her tone of voice.

She was really hopeful that he just meant teasing or bantering and was just using the word 'bully' loosely. He had to be, right? Of course. His posture, tone of voice and expression on his face was not helping to keep that hope alive but she was hoping. If her hand had managed to touch his arm, she would squeeze it slightly as the tension surged through her.

It could not be that bad. He probably like... threw a water balloon or something at Jake as a joke and it was taken badly. That would make sense! Yes, yes, it must have been that. She bit her lip, just staring at him as she stared at him, clearly waiting for a better explanation.

@Serena Towers

Howard couldn't bring himself to look Serena in the eye as she approached him. He would let her hands stay on his forearms for just a moment. Like if he could only hold onto that that touch everything would be ok. A barrier from the impending doom that was her realization. A moment to remember her by before she looked at him just how he had acted. Like a monster. Suddenly his pale flesh would look heinous through his own blood red eyes. The elongated and discolored nails that extended from his fingers felt disgusting as he clenched his hands into fists. These differences that he held in high regard, that he prided himself on now felt monstrous. For the first time he would see himself like those close-minded fools did as the guilt ripped through his belly. Howard would pull away from Serena, his voice lost but his mouth wording "No" as she claimed it was all going to be ok.

With a long exhale he would let the emotion pour through him as Serena began to understand his admission. There was no point in trying to hide himself from the guilt any longer. It was time to accept what he had done, to face the part of him that was intoxicated by the power and strength he felt when dominating another. It was time for the part of him that was revolted by it to step forth and make a stand. The natures that had long fought within him, the victor of the battles tallying up on either side, but it was time for the war to come to an end. Serena may be the next relationship casualty in this long running conflict, but he vowed it would be his last.

"No, Serena." The emotion that brought blood stained tears to the rims of his eyes would not carry to his voice as his tone was oddly calm. Although the guilt turned his stomach there was a sense of relief as he was finally being honest about his demons. The words would flow uninterrupted. "I didn't tease him, I bullied him. No...more than that. Knocked him down, scared him as he laid there helpless. He heard one of my secrets and used it as an excuse. I don't know why Serena. There's just a part of me that's...wrong." The calm tone would break at the very end of his admission. Recognizing the truth about himself left a sinking feeling in his gut, a sharp pain in his chest. The tears that welled in his eye spilled over and stained his pale cheeks red. All he could do was simply stare at Serena and await the inevitable. Like all the others she would leave him. Like all the others it would be his fault.

Interacting with @Howard White

Her heart started to crack. She saw his eyes tear up. A sting of pain hit her chest as she listened to his confession. The calmness of his voice starkly contrasted the chaos in her heart. The words he was saying brought up too many questions but not enough answers. Serena's mind and heart raced. Her fist closed into a tight ball, a look of pained anger crossing her expression as she stared at him. He was telling her that he scared a helpless child - one who was smaller than her and perhaps one of the sweetest, most innocent ones she knew. What the heck was so important that he would do that to Jake of all people?!

Serena's eyes welled up, she raised her fist to hit him but couldn't bring herself to do it. Her closed fist just shook in the air before she brought it down onto his chest if he did not move. It was not hard. It was meant to be but she just could not bring herself to hit him - that and the fact that her noodle arms would not have done much damage to him anyway. "You- You-" Her teary voice angrily spat out but she had no idea what to say. What was she supposed to say? Howard was her friend... right? She cared for him, she thought she knew him. But he was nice. They were not all that close but from what she had seen, he was always nice. He stood up to protect people. He fought those Durmstrang guys when they hurt Frost. Every time Hufflepuff got in danger, she would always feel comforted if she saw him around. There was something about him that made her feel safe.

And yet... This was the same person who was willing to scare the living daylights out of someone who was smaller than she was - and she was a frickin' part-goblin. Weakly, her closed fist would repeatedly try to hit his chest, tears streaming down her face as she tried to process her feelings and the conflict happening in her heart.

"Why?! WHY?" She screamed at him, even know she did not expect an answer. He had already told her he did not know why but she still wanted to know why. She needed to know, "Howard, he's - why? What was this secret of yours that you needed to protect so badly? If anyone else found out, would you have done the same? What if I found out?" She sobbed out the words, weakly hitting him if he did not stop her or move. Her questions were rhetorical. A part of her did not really want to know what happened if she had found out. The thought that he had bullied Jake made her feel sick. She also figured he would not tell her, because why would he when it was something he clearly wanted to protect so much?

But at the same time, watching him cry was breaking her heart. The feeling of pain stung her chest. His cheeks were stained with his tears. How was she supposed to ignore that? Before she could stop herself, Serena's fists opened and her arms moved around his neck, pulling him in for a hug if he did stop her. If he accepted the hug - or at least, did not stop her - she would cry into his chest as she hugged him. It was an attempt to comfort him but she could not stop herself from sobbing. If he pulled away or didn't allow the hug, she would try to hold his arm or hand or anything she could.

During this time, she opened her mouth several times to try and say something comforting but she had no idea what to say. The words were not coming to her. Opening and closing her mouth without saying anything, she just shook her head trying to understand everything. This was not the Howard she knew, right?

If she managed to hug or hold him in any way, it would have been for only a few moments before she pushed him away. "You- You jerk- Jake did not deserve that. What the hell did you-" Serena snapped at him angrily, her cheeks wet from the tears as she roughly wiped the back of her hand over them to just try and stop herself from crying. Her actions were as chaotic as the feeling in her heart. Howard had so calmly confessed and... it broke her. With a softer voice, "This... isn't you..." This was not the Howard that she knew. The one she knew - or at least, thought she knew - was not a bully. If he let her, she would step forward whilst tugging on her sleeve and reach up to his face and gently wipe his cheek with her sleeve. Howard was not a bully, right? She did not understand why he did it but she trusted him and a part of her was just holding onto that trust. Seeing him breaking down made her chest hurt.

But... Jake... Serena could not express how she felt because she did not know. Her feelings were so conflicted and chaotic. Jake was probably in so much pain and she had no idea how to make that better. "Was... this the only time?" She hesitantly asked, wondering if he had bullied Jake only once and if Jake was the only one that he had bullied... or if this was a reoccurring thing that she had just somehow overlooked. Did he go around bullying all of the tiny badgers?

@Serena Towers

You...You...

You bastard, you piece of shit, you monster! All things Howard was ready to hear spill from Serena's mouth and he would deserve every bit of it. His teary, red eyes would remain locked with hers as he awaited his verbal punishment. A part of him almost wanted it. To be punished by someone he held in such high regard. To be torn down just like he had to Jake, but no further words would come. A pained confliction would splash across her face as a moment passed, but when she spoke again it would be enough to make Howard jump.

Why? She screamed at him as her tiny fists banged against his chest. Although it was hardly enough force to physically hurt him the gesture would bring a fresh wave of tears to his eyes. Why? He didn't have an answer. There was a beast within him that he struggled to control. "I don't know." His voice this with pain and regret. "I wouldn't have hurt you..." He could barely convince himself of that statement. It might have been true, but how could he know for sure. In that moment he had slid into that mindset so easily. Would it have made a difference who it was. The idea made him shudder. The mental image of Serena with that look of terror on her face was too much for him to handle. "No." He muttered as he shook his head. Speaking more to himself than her. Even as his mind came to grasp what he had done there would be a part of him that would break through the shadow and attempt to deny that monster inside. If only it had been strong enough that evening with Jake, but it had lost.

Serena's next action would cause him to take in a sharp breath of air. Before he knew it her arms were around his neck as she hugged him tight and sobbed against his chest. Howard would weakly squeeze her back and tears slid off his nose. How could she hug him at a time like this? He didn't deserve it. He should be punished, not comforted, but this was what made Serena stand out above the rest. This was the very reason he yearned for her approval so badly. The light that shined through her helped light the one within him. A blazing torch to light the way through the darkness. Her words rang true. Jake did not deserve any of it. His only mistake was being himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. Easy prey for the monster within Howard. However, Serena's next statement would be wrong.

"No, Serena. It is me." An admission to her, but also to himself. If there was any hope of him finding some balance within his chaotic soul it would take honesty. For to continue the lie would only keep his natures pitted against each other in a battle that could not be won. He would continue to sway between the dark and the light. Split at the crossroad when the answer was to forge a new path all together. Howard's eyes would close for a moment as she wiped his cheeks. When they reopened there would be a newfound calmness as the pain ebbed away slightly. This truth brought with it clarity and although he may lose Serena like so many before him, Howard could see what must be done.

"That was the only time with Jake, but hardly the first time I've lost control. The fights, the attack, all the times I've let myself get lost." Howard had more to answer for than just a bout of bullying and some fist fights, but that was for another time. "It's hard to explain. There's this part of me...that's dark. It all started when they sent me here. I was really scared, you know?" His voice would tremble with the question. Being torn away from his Muggle life and sent to another world was traumatic to say the least. Instead of leaning on others who might sympathize he would hide away within himself. The fear lead to resentment, the resentment turned to rage. Releasing it protected him from the feelings of inadequacy and rejection. It allowed him to feel control in a life he felt he had none. "And I dunno, I just get...so angry about it all. Then it just takes me over. It's a part of me, but I just...just...I need help."

Warning: Post contains swears, kids!

Interacting with @Howard White

She frowned at him as he claimed it was him. She wanted to disagree, argue that he was not a bully. But she could not. It was hard to defend it when she honestly had no idea. Swallowing, Serena stared at him, grinding her teeth together to prevent herself from screaming at him. The tension in her jaw suggested she was angry, the tears streaming down her face suggested she was sad, the way she stood there silently suggested that she was conflicted. Nonetheless, she listened - trying to calm herself down.

As he spoke, her jaw unclenched over time as her anger started to dissipate. He seemed so broken and she hated it. Comforting him was not really something she could do right now, though. Serena wanted to but she had no idea how to even begin. A part of her was still trying to understand everything, whilst another part was so upset that this happened or angry on Jake's behalf.

In a way, though, she understood his words. Perhaps not in the same way or for the same reason. But there was a darkness within her, one born out of fear. It was something she had felt every since the campout in their first year - when the shadow had trapped her in a void. That darkness had made her feel alone when she was not. It had made her act irrationally at times. Out of fear. His was different, of course. She could not relate to his but she related to the best of her ability.

She wiped her own face with the back of her hands. "Then let me help you..." She said softly, after a moment of silence. She let him finish talking before she spoke up. Honestly, Serena had no idea how she could help him. At this point, they were empty words. But she meant them and she had every intention of trying to figure out how to help him. The tears running down his cheeks and her stained damp sleeves convinced her that she needed to help him somehow. "I- I mean, I don't really know how but like, maybe we can find someone to help. Professor Browne or someone else you trust might be able to help, I guess?" She offered, not really sure what advice to give or how to help.

Serena reached out to hold his hand before stopping. She had no idea what to do. Should she offer him a hug? Though, she was not sure if that would help. "Howard," She said softly, "You know... sometimes, it's okay to get angry. And fear can cause you to react in crazy ways, trust me, I know," Alright, Serena had no idea where she was going with this. Her fear of the darkness made her carry a candle around or stay close to fires for years. It made also - irrationally - made her think it was okay to set everything on fire. Not that she had but there had been at least one time where she had considered it.

"Look, I'll be honest. I have no idea what fights you're talking about. And what you did with Jake was not okay, by any standards. And I swear to Merlin, if you do it again, I'll-" Okay, she had no idea where she was going with this rant, "I'll hit you! And not forgive you!" Right, her hitting him was soooo scary. Her noodle arms were definitely threatening. He was clearly going to be so frightened.

With a sigh, she continued, "But. For what it's worth, you've also helped. I don't know if you realise this but sometimes, you fighting might have actually been the best solution?" She offered, recalling a specific event as she spoke, "Do you remember that day after the quidditch match? When Durmstrang was here? Some kids from the team wanted to find Quinn. Frost got hurt and you ended up in a fight. You got in trouble - and honestly, I regret the fact that I didn't step up to defend you then because I should have. You should not have been in trouble that day. It... could have been so much worse," She tucked a piece of her hair behind her slightly pointed ear, feeling a bit awkward. She normally hid her ears but for some reason, she did not really care right now. She was busy recalling what happened prior to that event and why she thought it could have been so much worse, "I don't know if you know... but the last time we met that kid from Durmstrang- well- let's just say that the kid had his leg broken. And it was bad, Howard, like... really fucking bad. I thought someone was going to get expelled," When she said someone, she meant Quinn but she did not really want to out him as the one who did it.

Howard might have been there that day, she honestly could not remember. She was so focused on the chaos that was happening. With a sigh, she continued, "My point is that, sometimes, these fights you end up in might actually be better than the alternative? Like that day, you fought to defend Frost. I don't think that's a bad thing. I dunno, when you're around, things feel... I dunno, I guess just... safer? Or more comfortable? Or like, better?" She did not really know how to phrase what she was trying to say. But there was something about him. His presence was comforting in a way. She had seen him protect people, fellow Hufflepuffs, on multiple occasions. He was someone she felt she could depend on, someone she trusted. They were not all that close in reality. In fairness, they had not spoken all that much but regardless, there was something about him that made her feel safer. At least... until all of this with Jake had happened. Right now, she was not sure how she felt anymore.

Perhaps she did not know him at all. Serena had no idea what she was saying, It was ok for him to be angry or scared sometimes but when it got to the point of bullying an innocent, harmless, child? That was not ok. "But if you ever, and I mean ever fucking hurt Jake again-" She threatened suddenly, jabbing her pointed finger into his chest as though she would hit him in the chest again. How the bloody hell was she going to make Jake feel any better? She had no idea. The guy was terrified.

Warning: Howard is gonna add to the swear jar too. Please avoid if swearing offends you.

@Serena Towers

Howard would nod as Serena offered to help him. He was so grateful to her that she would allow him a seance chance. That she wouldn't abandon him even if he may deserve it. Howard should have done more to show his appreciation, but his face would only show fatigue as his eyes drifted back to hers. She may understand him more than she thought. How that fear can fester inside you and drive you towards irrational behavior. Fear is always behind those that commit the most heinous of acts. For Howard it was very much heading that way as the fear only served as a fuel for his rage. For Serena it affected her much the same, but she was still able to control it. She was so much stronger than she gave herself credit for. This was the direction and influence that Howard so desperately needed. To be shown how you can overcome it all and still maintain your morality.

"Yeah, maybe." Howard said just above a mumble. There was no doubt that Professor Browne would give his all in helping one of his students, but trust was a thing Howard struggled with so dearly. To trust was to be betrayed. At least that's how it had felt for so long. If his parents would send him away, shun him for being born a certain way, who else would ever be able to be trusted? This question had left Howard feeling alone ever since he came to Hogwarts, but it was also the key to any future that wasn't doomed to the shadows. If he were ever to resist evil it would take a community to support him. Friends, lovers and peers that he could lean on during times of trouble. Those to remind him what the light had to offer. Those to remind him what could be lost when the darkness consumed him. "I can try."

His red eyes would shut again as she reached out for his hand, the last of his tears leaking down his cheeks. Long fingers would offer a tight squeeze before he held her small hand gently within his own. Serena's threat would have made him laugh under any other circumstance, but today he would nod and open his eyes to show he took it seriously. "I won't." It was a promise. Howard would listen closely as she explained how his strength could be used for good. There had been glimpses of it before. How he was willing to sacrifice his own safety to help those in need. If he was able to walk the right path someday he might be called guardian. Like a true Huffle his loyalty could be turned towards a whole community and his passions used to benefit others. The only issue was that the same strength he used to protect also stoked the dark flames within. "I know I can help. I want to. It's just...I dunno. Whenever I try, there's still a part of me that's...fucked up. Like, I wanted to help Frost from that dick, but when I hit him..." Howard's shoulders would slump as the admission left his lips. "I liked it...and I don't know how to fix that."

Howard would nod again as Serena threatened him again. "I won't hurt him. I would try to make it better, but I'd only fuck it up." He concluded with a shrug.