Tall Trees PV Flash Finished

@Flash Holmwood

Flash's response to the question about animal books was to be expected, so Ruka responded with a nod and a little smile. The Holmwood library was quite certainly too large for Flash to know it inside and out and Ruka's request had been a very specific one. Still, the other boy's words made it sound like he was going to look for something that might be of interest to Ruka. Apparently he even hoped for there to be something. It made Ruka's eyes widen with gratitude.

The fact that Flash was willing to look into his family's library for Ruka's sake made him even more determined to bake him something he would like, but Flash expectedly didn't seem to want to cause any inconveniences. "Nonsense," Ruka said lightly, nudging his shoulder gently against Flash's arm. "It'd be good practice for me to try something new." A grin would tell Flash exactly how excited Ruka was at the thought of trying to bake something, anything really. "But if you give me free reign then I guess raspberry lemon cookies it is!" He chuckled, then straightened up, eyes focused on Flash with genuine interest as he talked about his retainer's grandmother's recipe he had tried to follow for the baking errand.

"Seh-quee-loh," he repeated clumsily, humming thoughtfully. "What is it? It sounds really fancy." Ruka himself was already awed by cupcakes and croissants, so whatever it was Flash had tried to make, it was probably too complex for his first time baking anyway. Had the Holmwood Family no appreciation for simple Chocolate Chip Cookies?

Nodding enthusiastically in answer to Flash's question, Ruka's smile brightened. "Yeah," he exclaimed. "Well, I did. Jack..." He gesticulated a little awkwardly to bring across that he wasn't quite sure what his brother had tried to do. "Let's say when it comes to culinary arts we should keep him away from the culinary and make him stick to the arts." An amused puff of air escaped his lips at the thought. At least Jack's little project had been visually pleasing, so what did it really matter?

Calming down from the amusement, Ruka let his gaze drift across the lake again for a moment, giving Flash some time to gather his thoughts before he was hit with the one question Ruka knew he would have trouble answering. The stuttered answer was expected and somehow still cut him like a knife. For a moment Ruka considered pulling away, give Flash some space. Had he overstepped by getting this close after they had barely seen each other for almost a year? Was he making the other boy uncomfortable with his close proximity?

However, Flash proclaimed that it wasn't anything Ruka had done, so he stayed with his arm around the other boy's shoulder, their hands clasped together, his foot hooked around Flash's ankle. Flash's voice was quiet as he talked but it was easy to make out his words anyway. They washed across Ruka's skin along with his breath. "Why is it so hard to believe that I just care about you?" he asked, voice equally quiet as he let his eyelids flutter shut, long lashes brushing against the skin of Flash's cheek.

With Flash's apology came the gentle shake of Ruka's head that was most likely more felt than seen. "Stop apologising, please," he said gently, offering Flash's hand a squeeze. "You can tell me if I'm being too much. I can back off." He loosened the grip on Flash's hand just a bit to show that he wouldn't hold on if the other boy genuinely wanted distance. "I'm sorry" he added, a trace of guilt tinting his voice. "I said I'd try to learn how to talk to you and then we just... didn't talk anymore." He bit his lip as he lifted his head again to seek eye contact with Flash once more. "I should've reached out. I don't blame you for implying whatever you didn't mean to imply." He chuckled lightly and shrugged the shoulder that wasn't pressed against Flash's side. "If you wanted to give me a chance, I think I could do better, though." He curled his fingers around Flash's biceps, dropped his gaze to where their hands were resting on his lap. "I mean, this isn't so bad, right?" he asked quietly, rubbing the pad of his thumb across Flash's knuckles. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

It was nice that Ruka was in such a good mood, grinning while he talked about making Flash his aforementioned 'cookies'. That was something to look forward to, at least. He might usually be worried about the outcome if he ended up not liking them, but with Ruka he figured he could handle the disappointment. It was nice to be around someone he didn't feel he had to constantly protect from the harsh truth. Of course, he did recognize it was a self-assigned task to begin with. In this case though, Ruka's enthusiasm just made Flash happy.

"They were simple, actually. They were cornstarch biscuits, it only took some eggs, milk, and butter besides that." Flash's brow furrowed, knowing there was more, but struggling with how long it had been at that point. He hadn't exactly thought to memorize the recipe. "And... baking powder? Luis said that they were cheap and easy to make a lot of. Good for big families. He used to live with his grandmother and the rest of his family in Brazil, and the recipe was something he asked her for in parting."

Flash liked people, and stories, as Ruka well knew. He had asked Luis all kinds of information about the recipe and his family. Of all the people that could have ended up as his retainer, he was glad it was someone as reserved and kind as Luis. He was the whole family's retainer though, so it wasn't like they spent a lot of time together. Naturally, he also liked to call on him only when he absolutely had to. Sometimes not even then.

In regards to Ruka's description of Burnett's role in the errand, he earned another laugh from Flash. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed so much in such a short time. He knew he liked Ruka, perhaps even more than was proper, but he didn't realize how funny he was. It felt good to laugh, even though his condition as Ruka got closer made it harder to breathe. He wished he could see this 'art' that Ruka was talking about. Imagining the two of them making a mess in the kitchen was a pleasant diversion.

That was before he started to fall apart, of course, and stammer out all of his words. Ruka implored him to stop apologizing, but he felt like such a nuisance. Certainly Ruka meant to be nice to him, to be friendly or helpful, but Flash's body was rejecting it. He didn't want Ruka's good will to be turned away, didn't want to cause an issue where one shouldn't exist, but he couldn't keep working in ideals. He was slowly coming to grips with the idea that his feelings mattered, and his feelings were that of a delicate little boy.

I'm sorry..." Flash grimaced, apologizing immediately after being told to stop, but continued on, "It's too much."

When Ruka loosened his grip, Flash would make the effort to distance himself, at least a bit. He was overwhelmed, overstimulated. He was so used to ignoring it, but when offered a way out, he realized just how bad it was. He liked hugs, but he couldn't just be in anyone's arms any time. He still didn't trust Ruka not to hurt him. It was too quick. The acceptance of this, and the distancing, removed a heavy weight on his chest that was building inside him unknowingly.

Ruka continued, talking about the baby elephant in the tree. He was surprised Ruka felt culpable when neither of them attempted to reach out. In fact, Flash had been watching Ruka from afar and making sure to not be in the same places at the same time. Though he insisted on more distance than before, Flash would still want to at least hold hands.

"Don't take the blame. I was avoiding you." Flash said, still quiet. "I thought I should only talk to you when I was emotionally prepared but... I don't know if that will ever happen."

Somehow, the words were coming out so much easier. "This year has been... terrible. I try to do what I think is right and it always blows up in my face. Even when I try to relax, I do it wrong."

He barely resisted the urge to apologize again, for bringing the mood down so low. It had been quite a delightful reunion until he ruined it. Without the ability to apologize for his existence, he didn't even know what to say. There had been no light at the end of the tunnel, only brief moments of joy intermittently fed to him long enough to make it seem like life was worth living, when he had no idea where that dark tunnel led.

"I feel hopeless. Frail."

@Flash Holmwood

It didn't seem like Flash remembered much about the cookies he'd tried to make aside from their basic ingredients, but it wasn't like that was important anyway. While Ruka had a genuine interest in baking, it seemed the part that Flash had liked the most about it was getting to spend time with his retainer. It made sense too; Ruka knew that Flash liked people, was interested in their stories, so it was no surprise that his favourite part of an activity would have been the company he got to spend it with.

"Why did he leave Brazil?" Ruka asked curiously. He was becoming increasingly aware of the amount of people who had left their home to go elsewhere for various reasons. It made him feel less alone, in a way. Not returning to Ireland last summer had felt wrong, like a kind of betrayal somehow, but knowing that so many other people out there were much farther from their home and were still okay made him feel infinitely better.

Closing his eyes for a second, Ruka felt himself smiling contently at the sound of Flash's laugh. He couldn't really remember any of their encounters having led to much genuine laughter before; awkward, nervous, uncomfortable chuckles, but never this easy, bright amusement. Ruka decided he liked this, liked he way he could elicit that kind of sound from Flash despite the complicated history they shared. Laughter had always been one of Ruka's favourite sounds.

Of course, things may have been a bit too easy for too long so maybe he should have expected the moment when the mood dropped again, should have realised that he was trying for too much too soon. When Flash shuffled to distance himself, Ruka carefully moved his arm away from the other boy's back, loosened the hold on his hand, just in case. Flash's new apology was forgiven wordlessly, and Ruka just nodded. It was too much and that was alright. Things hadn't completely fallen apart yet as they usually did before they could ever reach this point, so he still counted it as a win.

With a small smile, Ruka acknowledged the fact that Flash hadn't pulled his hand away, and he gave it a gentle squeeze. "You were?" he asked quietly at Flash's admittance that he had been avoiding him. It felt like a punch in the gut to realise that he hadn't even been aware of that. If he had tried to reach out, pay more attention to the other boy... He should have noticed. Why hadn't he noticed?

Swallowing heavily, Ruka let his gaze drop to his lap, using his free hand to pick at a small stain on his trousers. "If you don't think that'll ever happen... Does that mean you'll keep trying to avoid me after today?" It was a jarring thought but Ruka felt like he needed to know. If he knew then maybe he could do something, could fix things.

Looking back up as Flash continued talking, Ruka tilted his head to the side, listening intently. He wanted to say something supportive, offer words of wisdom, promise that things were going to get better but all of it seemed hollow. He doubted Flash needed to hear empty condolences and promises that were bound to get broken. Instead, Ruka squeezed Flash's hand again, gently traced his knuckles with the pad of his thumb in an attempt to offer comfort. He was surprised at the ease Flash seemed to reveal his own despair, but not unpleasantly so. It was raw, genuine, everything Ruka had wanted from the other boy from the start.

"I know how that feels," he said quietly, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment. He could hear his own voice echoed in Flash's words over and over again.

Do you ever feel like it's just not worth it?

Without thinking, Ruka reached his free hand out to tug a strand of hair away from Flash's face, eyes thoughtful, lips pursed. His hand withdrew immediately, not wanting to make the other boy feel crowded, but he kept looking. "Let's go," he decided after a moment, giving Flash's hand a gentle tug to show that he was going to start getting out of the tree. His free hand untied his kite, pulled it close to his chest again before starting to test branches to aid him in his descend. The hand holding Flash's would only let go once the other boy started to climb as well to make sure he would be able to balance himself. "C'mon we're gonna go do something, and if we do it wrong nobody's gonna care because we'll be the only ones who'll know about it." He grinned, genuine excitement attempting to chase away the dark pit threatening to swallow their pleasant encounter.

Making sure Flash was close behind him, Ruka jumped off the lowest tree branch, landed gracefully on the balls of his feet and reached his hand out to help the other boy back to the ground.

If Flash chose to take it, Ruka wouldn't let go until they had reached their new destination

Leaving to another thread if Flash chooses to follow

At first, Flash paused a second when Ruka continued to ask about Luis, but he quickly let go of the temporarily held breath. He toyed with the idea of delving back into paranoia, but it wasn't as simple as it was with others. He was suspicious of anyone who wanted to know more about his life, why they wanted to know it, but he had broken through that insecurity with Ruka. He was just a curious person, who liked to ask questions.

"He moved when he was fairly young, right out of school. He said he wanted to travel, had learned quite good English at that point, so became an au pair in several places around Europe. One time it was for the Holmwood family, and he just stuck around. Marius helped him get extra training and citizenship since then." The end of Flash's sentence drew on slowly, as he realized it was more an explanation of how than why. "To be honest, I'm not sure why he stayed. I figured he simply liked England. I should ask him."

Flash would only be lost in thought momentarily, suddenly wanting to know, but not having a cellphone to text him with. Well, it wasn't like he would pull out his cellphone in the middle of a conversation just to sate his curiosity... probably.

The way Ruka immediately started parting from him without any complaint was a relief, it felt wrong to tell someone not to just do whatever they wanted, but also felt good to alleviate the thrumming anxiety it had caused him. This was something both Burnetts had been trying to instruct him to do, to advocate for himself every once in a while... but it still felt wrong. That was partially because he still found it hard to believe that was what they really wanted. What he wanted. That wasn't what he read, that wasn't even what he did.

Usually, he asked about people because he was digging for information. He was kind to people to get them on his side. That was how his family operated. Everyone had a certain amount of power in every relationship, and he always tried to have the most of it. All of the people who would come to his defense, who would do whatever he told them to, or ask for his opinions to make major decisions... the Burnetts mocked them. They weren't real friends, they'd say. Flash still couldn't agree completely, but something was starting to become more clear, at least. He didn't trust most of them, and they knew next to nothing about him. All because he didn't want them to have any power over him. Some good that did.

It was almost amusing that Ruka hadn't noticed his avoidance, almost. Flash had been caught twice that year spying on other people, he figured he wasn't very good at it. Ruka knew he was capable of tracking people down, knowing their schedules, and appearing at the right place at the right time. Perhaps he hadn't given much of a thought to what Flash was doing at all, though he wouldn't blame him. He had his own life, and massive changes taking place in it. It wasn't until the hockey game that Flash dared to show his face, and even then it was because he knew there wouldn't be any time for talking.

Ruka looked almost nervous when he asked about whether the trend would continue. "No." Flash said tersely, surprised that Ruka acted like he would regret not spending time with him. He was getting used to it though, little by little.

When he talked, Ruka rubbed his hand, sending some kind of signal to his brain to untense. It felt so good to be paid attention to, even while he teetered on the edge of despair. The simple, gentle touch made him want to melt. It was less intense, more concentrated. He liked it. He liked Ruka. A lot. Which made it all the more heartbreaking when he could relate to his hopelessness. Flash wouldn't start to argue that his life wasn't as difficult as Ruka's, as true as that was, because the acknowledgement felt like a breath of fresh air. It wasn't like he was the first person to be hurt for no good reason, to be taken advantage of or used. Bad things happened, life moved on. Perhaps Ruka's attentiveness had given him just a tiny sliver of hope, as well, that there was something to look forward to.

Abruptly, Ruka's hand touched Flash's face, a strand of hair. He hadn't fixed himself in the mirror yet. He would normally stop by the dorm and shower before going to breakfast, but at this point he was completely off this schedule. It was Sunday, anyway. All he had ahead of him was cleaning and study. He could be dirty for a short while longer, though it did make him self-conscious when they were in such close proximity. Ruka's hair was far messier anyway, he was the one who needed fixing, as useless as the act might prove to be. Not that Flash would dare try to fix his hair again.

Ruka suggested they go, tugging on his hand and moving to leave. Though needing to snap out of his trance, Flash definitely agreed. As nice as the view might have been, a bough was not exactly soft and comfortable. He imagined once he got back on the ground, he'd need to take it easy getting used to the ground again. Little did he know, as they started to climb down, he was actually suggesting they go do something together. Flash wasn't generally very spontaneous, but with how the morning was going so far, it didn't seem like much of a stretch. One thing simply led to another.

"S-sure. I need to eat though." Flash's voice was still soft, he worried he wouldn't be heard through the rustling of leaves and scraping of bark.

At the bottom, Ruka reached up to him, though at his height it was mostly a formality. He'd still take it, of course.