Lookin’ Glum PV Alan Fin

@Alan Vanes

Howard would be surprised by the sound that left his lips. A laugh. Not a chuckle or a form of sarcasm, but a genuine laugh as Alan seemed delighted by his fangs. It had been a long time since he had had a nice interaction with another student. If he was being honest, that was mostly of his own doing, but something just clicked with Alan. His presence was able to put Howard at ease and break through his tough exterior. Not only that, but he actually seemed interested in who and what Howard was, where as most just immediately judged him or scurried away in fear.

Like anyone else, Howard was not just one thing. There was definitely a part of him that matched his scary appearance. He could be intimidating, angry and sometimes quick to violence, but that was only part of what he was. The other was still just a fourteen year old boy that wanted companionship and to find a community. It was actually that rough exterior that he used to protect that softer side. Every time he felt judged or ostracized for who and what he was the exterior would grow just that much thicker as his anger grew, but fortunately for Howard there was evenings like this. A touch of light to pierce the darkness that would see him through another day.

Then there it was. The question that Howard usually dreaded from people. Most wouldn’t dare ask, but the few that did were often seeking shock value or a tale to tell their friends. Few would actually take the time to consider the needs and wants of a Dhampir. The question would draw a look of concern at first from Howard, but as he met Alan’s eyes his expression would relax. As golden flecks danced around his green irises, there was something about his gaze that told Howard that his question came from a place of genuine interest and concern. The joy that flickered in Howard’s eyes would dull as he thought on it. The subject was one he was still processing. On one hand, he had only done what nature had made him do, but on the other his humanity still felt guilt.

“It was hard at first.” His tone would soften. “After I was turned I fed on animals at first. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I knew I needed blood to survive. It was just instinct, ya know? But...uh...I had an accident with another student sometime after. She was bleeding and I...couldn’t stop myself. I bit her.” Howard paused to look back at Alan, half expecting him to run off, but he continued anyways. “It’s hard to explain. Part of me felt guilty for hurting her, but it also felt completely natural, does that make sense?” Howard would finish with a sigh. It felt good to talk about this complicated subject, but he often felt like he lacked the words to describe himself properly.

“What ‘bout you?” He blurted out quickly before Alan could run away or tell him off. “Was it weird the first time...ya know...changed?” Howard asked with an unsure expression as he had no idea what Metamorphs called their ability.

Alan kind of understood what he meant, so he would lightly nod along those words the boy spoke, finding it interesting to hear Howard's perspective. He was not sure what had made him ask the boy, but he kind of just had felt comfortable enough to ask. He was also fascinated by the fact that the other boy did not always used to be a dhampir, he had never known that one could be changed within the middle of their life. It was probably a little like being werewolf both was somewhat a curse in a way, but it was also different because he was affected his whole life and not just once per month. Alan wondered if it scared many people to know that someone around them was a dhampir, he just knew that he himself did not get scared by the knowledge alone. Alan was a strong believer of looking past someones heritage and judge them by their actions instead because this is exactly how he too wanted to be treated by people.

"Well, I was kind of born one so the first time it happened was when I was still a baby," he would explain to the dhampir with a tilt of his head as he thought about the first time he consciously changed his appearance. "It happened a lot more when I was a kid, it is somewhat linked to my emotions and thoughts so with age and more control it usually gets easier, you know? Probably like being in control over thirst and stuff," he tried to link it together with a light shrug. He did remember that his parents struggled a lot with it and he also remembered struggling a lot with it as well. "As a kid I basically never could keep a secret, not even my own emotions! And obviously I couldn't leave the house because if a Muggle would have seen me it could have been disastrous," a painful memory tried to force itself into his thoughts, but Alan forced himself to keep it at bay, not wanting to think of it.

@Alan Vanes

Howard’s expression of concern would relax slightly as Alan didn’t run away or look at him in disgust. The Gryffindor was one of the few people he had admitted his accident too, in fact, he might have been the only one not directly involved that now knew this truth. Howard wasn’t sure why he had felt so comfortable divulging this information to him, but it just felt natural. It also felt like a ton of bricks was lifted off his shoulder, even if it was only a temporary. To speak the truth about what he had done and express his shame was a release from the heavy burden of his guilt. Alan’s expression seemed to be one of guarded understanding, but it was a vast difference from what Howard had made up in his mind as he pictured the boy looking at him in horror before scurrying off the get help. He might feel some unease towards the subject, but at least he was willing to listen. Fortunately the topic would shift away from such a heavy subject and Howard was grateful.

“Oh yeah..” Howard had totally overlooked the fact that Alan was born that way, or that all Metamorphs were. “Didn’t think ‘o that.” A silly smile would creep across his lips and wipe any concern from his expression as he had a mental image of an infant shape shifting. Throwing a fit had so much comedic potential. It was interesting that the ability was linked to his emotional and mental status. Comparing it to controlling thirst was not that far off. The calmer Howard was the easier it was to control the blood lust. “That makes sense. Just a moment ago yer eyes got all speckled when ya seemed excited. Yeah, you ain’t passin’ a lie detector anytime soon, eh?” He said with a joking wink.

However, Alan’s next statement would sadden Howard a little. He never would have thought that Alan would have to be hidden away as a child. Much like himself these days. No way was the Dhampir ever going to step foot in the Muggle world again. A pain that he too shared. “Yeah. Ain’t makin’ my way back to the real world anytime soon either.” That was Howard’s name for the Muggle society. Then a thought would strike him. “So, you didn’t come up in the magic world. You was brought up with Muggles?” He asked, curious of Alan’s upbringing.

Alan had been too unaware of himself to notice the change of his eyes that Howard had mentioned, but he knew that Howard hadn't imagined the change. Alan knew of the signs and they fit the situation. "Yeah, it happens when I get excited or happy," he explained with a shy grin. "I don't usually pay much attention to controlling it anymore, I spend most my life shoving it away from myself that it makes it feel like a relief to just let go, you know?" Perhaps Alan did sound a little silly saying all this but he was not sure how else to describe this sensation. He was still unsure about this but at least he wouldn't face a catastrophe if people around him noticed, the were all part of the magical world and no muggles in sight. He could just... be himself in a weird way. By just getting rid off plaguing himself with immense self control. He was often not able to do anything at all when at home, so bothered by putting all his attention into hiding what made him who he was. Here in Hogwarts he did not have to hide.

"Well its somewhat complicated... My parents are both purebloods yet we live in a Muggle town though we live further away from all the trouble. I think it has something to do with my dad's family but he doesn't like talking about it much; they weren't great people you see," he explained, slowly fighting his way through an explanation in an attempt to make sense of the little he actually knew and felt like he could say. He didn't know much but he knew that his father had very different opinions on the past wizarding war than his family did and that his father was like a hero, at least to Alan and his mom. Alan had never met any family from his fathers side though he knew they were a noble pureblood family. His mothers family wasn't even from the United Kingdom originally but she fell in love with his dad anyway because they met on a school trip or something. "What about your family?"

@Alan Vanes

Howard would nod along as Alan spoke, gesturing that he understood where the other boy was coming from even if he couldn't quite relate. Coming to Hogwarts must have been such a relief for Alan. A sanctuary for one of his kind and the freedom to just be what he was. It was a bit different for Howard though. The school represented many things for the teenager. It was a constant reminder that he could no longer be apart of his previous life. The magic that flowed through his blood was the first separation and now that he had been transformed there was no possibility of returning. Labels are apart of human life and society. Howard would carry many, but two would carry the most weight. Muggleborn and Dhampir. The first was a common term to describe how he came to be. It was harmless mostly unless you asked the wrong people. Many things had changed in the magical world, but it was hard do deny that it still marked you different. The second was given to describe his nature and physical state. Both human and undead sharing the same body. Yet again it placed him outside the norm. These labels would be seen as equal in the eyes of some, but less than in the eyes of others. It was incredibly difficult for Howard to process at times. Born a Muggle and told he must leave that life for being different. Then told again in this new world that he still was not normal. That's what Hogwarts represented most. That Howard was unwanted. However, it was moments like this that broke through such as bleak outlook. When he could just sit and talk with one of his peers. It made him feel normal. It made him accepted. It helped him forget.

Howard's expression would shift back to one of curiosity as Alan began to speak of his family life. Learning of people's upbringings was always interesting. Life in this new world always seemed so odd as it came with its own customs and societal norms, but it would seem that Alan's family lived amongst Muggles. Howard silently wondered what they must have been like. To have such power yet be forced to keep their gift a secret, but maybe worth it if it kept them away from the toxic Pureblood society that he had heard of. "Better to struggle and be free than to live with those kinds of people." He only had a small amount of detail to go off of, but Howard would sympathize. It was similar to how he was growing to feel about his Dhampirism. Perhaps there would always be those that would look down on hm for what he was, but that wouldn't stop him from living life the way he saw fit. Even if he had to claw his way down that path there would be no stopping him.

Howard's shoulders would slump at the mention of his family. "They're Muggles, from Manchester." He began after a long sigh. "All of this." He gestured to their surroundings with a swirl of his finger. "Really took a toll on us. No one could ever remember anyone from the family having magic and it was really hard for them to accept it. Still not sure they've got their heads around it. Having to leave was really hard on all of us...we don't talk much." It was only a few times a year that they would communicate through letters. "But before things were alright. We didn't have much and I was always getting in trouble running the streets, but it was a decent life." Talking of the good times would brighten Howard's expression. Most of his thought towards his family tended to turn negative as the rejection was always the dominant factor, but it actually felt good for him to remember that that wasn't all there was. However, as his eyes feel to the elongated and discolored nails on his hand his expression would sour again. "They still don't know about my turning. It was already so hard on them to accept that I was a wizard. Don't know how I'll ever tell them." He finished with a shrug and a sigh. "I'll figure it out one of these days."

It was tough for Howard to discuss his family, but in a way the burden was slightly lifted in doing so. He would offer Alan a small smile before his eyes drifted. The sun had long fallen and curfew was was soon approaching. He would stand a stretch for a moment before turning to Alan, his hand extended for a friendly shake. "Looks like it's about time for lights out. Thanks for the chat Alan." If Alan accepted his shake he would reach out with his free hand and give a quick squeeze on Alan's shoulder. "I'll catch ya around, buddy."

Howard exits the thread.

Alan nodded slowly, somewhat agreeing. He was not all too sure if he lived a free live at home as he had to be very careful in order to stay hidden. Whenever he was outside, even in the garden, he had to keep in control of his abilities or make sure that there were no curious neighbors peeking through or over the fence. Alan sighed slightly, remembering he had struggled with this most when he had just been very little. But ultimately he agreed as he wondered how much higher the expectations for him would have been if they had lived in a magical community, as he knew that they would have expected him to be a proper pureblood. Alan preferred the life that he had lived over a life in which he had to be prim and proper at all times. He wondered if that was why his family had moved away, because he had heard stories and knew that his father at least had grown up in a magical community. But he did not know too much since his father did not like to speak of his childhood much, except for the time after he had met Alan's mother.

Alan could not even begin to imagine how hard it must be for a muggle families life to be turned upside down because one of their children turned out to be magical. Alan frowned slightly as he wondered why this thought had never occurred this apparent to him before. Perhaps because no one had ever spoken so openly about the troubles at home after such a discovery. And Howard had to keep a even bigger secret from them now, Alan couldn't even imagine how weird that must be. He of course kept his secrets from his parents as well and he did not like to speak to them of his abilities despite the fact that they knew about them as well, but for Howard to keep his whole existence a secret? Alan did not even know how he managed to do this. He would nod slightly, before also saying his goodbyes to the Hufflepuff, turning to leave to where he would find his own house and dorm, plagued by some thoughts about their conversation but happy about having made a new friend as well.

Thread Finished