Existence in the Stacks PV Anastasia ReOpen

Interacting with @Anastasia Beckett

Tears were something that were a hard thing to stop. It seemed with Ana, every move, every word, brought her back to the edge of a breakdown. If tears started to dissipate from clouding her eyes they would be back just moments later begging to spill over her lash line. There was something in her, still holding back, holding off from breaking. The Gryffindor in front of her was more brave than she knew, and more bold than she believed. Most people would've just run out of the library by now, avoid the prying librarian as much as she could. But Ana stayed, for what reasons Robyn didn't know. The older Gryffindor just hoped that she could pull Ana closer to the edge of making the dive and asking for assistance.

Her hand didn't move from Ana's, rather it stayed there as an anchor for her. Robyn didn't feel like the moment for a hug was totally warranted, not like Robyn was a big fan of hugs anyway. Ever since she was a child she tried to avoid them at all costs. It meant a lot of avoidance of the Hufflepuff house when she was in school. She let the other lion ramble, words tumbling out as if they had been waiting to spill out of her heart for awhile. It wasn't hard to believe that they had. Robyn made a small humming noise as she considered the question. How does one make the move to begin asking for help? It took her six years to do it. What had changed for her?

"Mm, I hate to admit that I don't think you get the stomach for it until the moment after you ask. Even the moment before can feel terrifying and like you should tuck tail and run. It's the moment after that feels like the breath of relief, when you've already done the hardest thing you can think of. It's easier after that." She couldn't help but chuckle at the idea of books that were dedicated to specific interpersonal problems. "I think we both expect a lot of books. These lessons can be found in various tales. They're not exactly written out exactly how you think they would. It's weaved in between the lines, between tales of friendship and foe. Battles fought internally amidst a raging war between nations. You have to search for those meanings, and interpret them for yourself. Which does sound like a lot more work than a simple answer being presented for you." Robyn leaned back slightly into her chair, a soft smile rested upon warm features.

The library was always a place that she retreated to, to escape people. To escape prying eyes, and questions that she'd rather not answer. She wanted to be the one with the questions and to discover the answers for herself. "Books can make more sense, yes. But they cannot bring you the same joy than a loyal friend by your side. And there's no one telling you that you have to put the burden on your friends. There's myself, your Head of House, a professor that you trust. There are many people that you can go to that might even be more equipped to help you out than someone your age." Teenagers were not the best judges of decision making, as much as they thought that they were. But if Ana ended up going to literally anyone, Robyn would be proud.

The librarian might never know what difference her kindness meant. While Ana didn't exactly have negative relationships with any of her professors or head of house, they weren't much deeper than encouragement for an assignment well done. Prior to this year, she had seemed well adjusted, at least to adults anyways.

Her family, even before that summer, had never been any kind of support or warmth she could remotely depend on. The closest she'd had growing up had been her aunt and her cousin. The former had died and the latter had vanished. As much as Ana treasured her friends, there wasn't an adequate substitution for the wisdom that came with age. What Ana needed to hear - that her adolescent problems were not the end of the world and that things would work out - couldn't come from peers. They had to come from someone who was past that stage.

There was also a part of Ana that wouldn't have truly heeded the advice Robyn offered, had it come from another teenager. As much as she had yearned for her parents' love and approval, she had never depended on them for help or anything serious. It hadn't been so much a choice on her part as it was the fact that such dependence seemed to be regarded as weakness, something that was utterly and completely unforgivable in her parents' eyes.

Ana laughed slightly at Robyn's words, although it sounded suspiciously like a sob. "That's rather inconvenient, isn't it?" Ana mused. "Considering it's quite probably the scariest thing I've ever contemplated doing, I think I'd rather prefer to have the stomach for it prior to actually doing it." That wasn't an understatement on Ana's part. It would be a lie to say she was completely fearless, but she couldn't think of anything that came as close to the fear that froze her very blood when she considered actually telling anyone what she was dealing with and reaching out for help. If the reaching out for help wasn't terrifying in and of itself, the dread that her plea for help would be met with rejection made things seem even worse. Pushing her friends away hurt, but it was her choice. She didn't think she could handle opening up to someone and having them reject her.

She listened intently to Robyn's commentary on books. "No, I suppose not. They're a great deal safer though. You know who's in the right and who the villains are. I can't very well read ahead and know who I can really rely upon or start a new story altogether if I don't like how this one is going," Ana said as a treacherous tear spilled over and she quickly dabbed it away. "But how do we really know that the people we think are trustworthy are?"

Anyone who knew Ana, in this year or any, would be rather shocked by her vulnerability. She wasn't someone to ever act like she didn't have all the answers, and she certainly wasn't someone to go ask others for them. She wasn't someone who opened up and truly asked questions without sarcasm or any defense mechanism.