Easy Going Closed

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The winter break had been a mixed bag for Ana. She had embraced her role as head of the Beckett family as well as begun to truly grieve her mother, both of which were relatively positive. On the flip side, there had been a great deal of tension with her family, not to mention the train debacle on the way to school. She was mostly shutting out the latter, refusing to acknowledge what had happened until the event was far behind her.

Was that a healthy method of dealing with anything? Probably not. Did she have an alternative method? Also negative.

She'd opted to focus on the seemingly only constant in her life - family problems. While she stood by all of her actions, namely inviting Willow and others with impure blood to the gala, her aunt and uncle's attacks still hurt. She knew objectively speaking that she was technically a blood traitor, but to hear it from the only family she had left hurt more than it should have. They weren't her parents and she didn't even really like them all that much. So why did their treatment cut so deeply?

There was a new constant that was far more pleasant and less complicated - Flash. They'd been officially boyfriend/girlfriend for more than a month now, and with the exception of the time she'd been away for the break, had spoken nearly daily. While he wasn't someone she believed she could really confide in or trust, she had to admit it was nice to have a relationship where the entire goal was to spend time with one another. She knew it wasn't serious or based on anything more than a slight fondness and convenience, but it was comforting. Unlike people she trusted more, he didn't know much about the darkness and sadness she was dealing with and he didn't ask.

As she exited her last class of the day, she caught sight of him. Her heart didn't speed up when she saw him or leap to her throat as it did in songs, but she felt warmer, less alone. Her cleanly pressed and perfectly arranged uniform shifted as she reached him. Her hair was loose, as it often following the winter break when she had dyed it, but was still deliberately styled.

"Flash, hello," she said, returning his smile. "It's lovely to see you, how has your day been?"

@Flash Holmwood

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There were walls between them that allowed for their relationship to continue with very little conflict, but those same walls caused some sense of awkwardness and formality as well. Ana was certainly fond of Flash, but he wasn't someone she trusted half as much as others might claim to trust their significant other.

She never spoke about her parents or family beyond occasionally mentioning something about family difficulties and pressures. Never anything scary like the recurring nightmares or any real truths about her family. While a part of her might have liked to feel like she was able to relax around him, she tremendously appreciated the way that they were able to talk about light topics and never any danger of anything more difficult.

Ana was normally someone who would rush headfirst into things without giving them much thought. This had been different. Perhaps it was from years of watching her parents interact or how her mother died or how her uncle and aunt seemed like strangers, but Ana was incredibly wary of any kind of romantic relationship. If her beloved novels were to be believed, those relationships could cut more deeply than any spell or weapon if they went badly. Friendships and family had already caused her pain that she had barely begun to confront, she couldn't risk opening herself to worse.

And it wasn't as if she had no feelings for Flash. She was at the very least fond of him and enjoyed his company more than most. Perhaps that wasn't the basis for a relationship, but she'd be lying if she said that the time in which they had been officially been a couple hadn't been more pleasant than the time before. She desperately feared depending on anyone other than herself for much of anything, but Flash had become a steady source of comfort recently.

Ana nodded agreeably at his comment about the weather. She didn't spend much time outside beyond flying. She adored snow, but she wasn't overly fond of the cold. "Flying in the warm months is certainly vastly preferable," she mused. It was always colder in the air than on the ground and as much as she loved flying, the biting cold was less than comfortable.

"Lovely, actually. I'm most happy to be back at school. I missed spending time with you over the holiday," she said cheerfully. Her holiday had been less than pleasant, and not seeing Flash had been the least of it. Even the train ride back had been a literal flaming disaster. Still, her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, and if Flash cared to notice, he likely would.

@Flash Holmwood

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If Ana was being honest, she was afraid of actually sharing anything more than she did. The reason that she and Flash somewhat worked as a couple was because it was never anything heavy. Perhaps it was little more than small talk, but it was comforting. She'd managed to show the parts of herself and her family that she wanted him to see and hide the less pleasant bits. It wasn't honest, but it gave Ana a sense of control that she had lacked in the fall and was desperately searching for. As much as she might dislike it, she had a great deal of responsibility when it came to her family and that began with not conducting herself in the manner she had in the past. Flash was a part of her idea of control and a pretty picture.

And it was pleasant. For the girl who had so craved the positive attention of her parents and never received it, the consistent small talk and pleasant silences meant the world sometimes. There wasn't really anyone else in her life where the roles were as clearly defined, and at that confusing juncture, clarity was important to Ana.

Ana bit her lip when he apologized for not attending her gala. Truth be told, she hadn't terribly minded it. While it would have been lovely to see him, it had turned out that the role of the hostess was all-consuming. She had come to the conclusion that it was all for the best that he hadn't been present, since she would have likely not been able to pay much attention to him and their experience at the Masquerade was not something she was looking to repeat.

"Oh, think nothing of it," she mused at his apology. While she had invited friends, the majority of the event had felt like a work responsibility rather than a party. She had been focused on impressing pureblood society and not giving her vile uncle and airheaded aunt a chance to criticize her. The latter part had been pointless, since, despite the gala being a smashing success, they had still managed to find something to critique her on. She hadn't thought it was possible for things to be tenser than they had been over the summer with her parents prior to everything that had happened but was she wrong...

Somehow, the shouting argument that had culminated in Ana storming out and spitefully buying a yacht had been the most pleasant interaction she had had with her extended family all of the holiday. The fact that she had opted to spend the majority of Christmas week with another family had also made matters worse. "Truly, it's alright," she insisted. "Holidays are a bit overwhelming in and of themselves, and I certainly know that family doesn't exactly alleviate that burden."

She'd said too much and she wanted to kick herself. Flash had thrown her off slightly by mentioning a subject that they hadn't discussed much before, and in her attempts to make certain that he didn't feel poorly for missing the gala, she'd brought up her own family difficulties. For the first time in the time she had known him, she was at a loss for what to say. The feeling was awkward and Ana didn't like it. She quickly, although uncharacteristically clumsily, changed the subject to something that was safe, that she knew both of them could easily discuss without any unexpected emotions or topics.

"Speaking of family, have you heard the next round of Quidditch matchups? We're to face Ravenclaw. They've got a few strong players, but if I remember correctly, nearly half the team is first years. I'll be interested to see Slytherin against Hufflepuff though. Slytherin was quite difficult to beat, but I know the Badgers have some rather intense beaters," she said pleasantly. While the girl did consider her Quidditch team to be something of a family, her transition from one topic to a safer one had been rather obvious. It had also been a stupid thing to focus on, since the Quidditch matchups weren't particularly interesting, considering that there was an incredibly limited number of possibilities. Still, she'd hopefully gotten things away from the talk of family and away from that unexpected pothole of awkwardness. Conversation between them had always come fairly easy and the idea that somehow it wouldn't because she had messed things up worried her.

@Flash Holmwood

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Ana wondered if flat out refusing to so much as consider going any deeper was a bad idea. As much as she disliked talking about her feelings and her family, even she would admit that trusting the right people with the information helped alleviate the weight that threatened to crush her. The fact of the matter was, she couldn't just refuse to talk about them. There was certainly a vast spectrum of options between telling Flash every excruciating detail and keeping all of it to herself. That was where the majority of her relationships with her peers fell. There were plenty that knew Ana had some level of tension with her parents and family, that Ana struggled to be the perfect daughter and heiress she was expected to be, that the golden Beckett family was perhaps gold plated. Surely, she could come up with some broad strokes of the matter that remained within the realm of normal, palatable family problems to share with her boyfriend.

Except they had an arrangement. A rather clear one that had worked reasonably well thus far. They were wells of false positivity around one another, never mentioned anything that bothered them more than a difficult assignment or an unexpected thunderstorm. If Ana was being honest, it was exhausting. She and Flash both had darkness in their lives that they didn't wish to discuss, but ignoring it in such a clumsy manner seemed to make it more overwhelming than speaking about it would. There was poetry that spoke of partners being the light of one another's life, but that certainly wasn't right.

Dark eyes flitted back to her companion as it occurred to her that she was expected to say something at this point in the conversation. "I'd imagine so," she mused, vaguely trying to think of something to say as a continuation. Only Flash seemed to have lost all interest in continuing to speak to her.

A cacophony of whispers filled her mind. The most obvious answer - that Flash was simply having an off day - was quickly dismissed. Instead, Ana leaped, rather flew, to the conclusion that he was becoming bored with her company. Bored with her rather. It shouldn't have shocked her the way that it did, and she certainly wouldn't have expected it to sting as much as it did. What was the bloody point of a relationship, of laying out that the pair was going to care about one another and spend time together if people simply lost interest?

Of course, if Ana had the self-awareness to further examine the matter, it would have been obvious that Flash was hardly the problem. It would have been painfully clear that this was related to her parents and their complete lack of interest in the person Ana was compared to the person they wished her to be. No one had ever called Ana self-aware...

"Oh, well, I apologize for having bored you," Ana said, an edge to her voice that hadn't been there a moment ago. The words weren't as biting as they might have been if she were speaking to someone else, but they weren't exactly kind either. Her frustration at her family and her entire life was spilling over, as it frequently did. She had gotten better at controlling herself and especially at not lashing out at people that didn't deserve her ire, but she was, despite what some might say, only human.

@Flash Holmwood

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Jaw tightening, Ana attempted to get a hold of her emotions. Truth be told, she wanted more than the relationship between her and Flash. It was pleasant, but neither of them would say that it was based on any mutual feelings of love or passion. Fondness, at most, and that was something of a stretch. She bore no dislike for Flash, but he was nearly a stranger to her and she to him. Their arrangement made it impossible for that to change. They were perfect polished versions of themselves, resulting in a perfect polished-looking couple. Still, apparently, the perfect version of her that was exhausting to maintain was still not enough.

Perhaps her accusation was more of an admission. She was, in fact, rather bored of this. There was also the matter of her feelings for someone else, but she was nowhere near ready to deal with that aspect of it. What was her other option though? Boredom was better than loneliness, right? Having someone, even if it was as shallow and nominal as this, was surely better than having nobody.

Still, as much as Ana tried to rein in her emotions, she was tired and irritated. Not lashing out at bystanders was a fantastic idea in theory and had certainly been the solution to many problems that Ana caused, but it left her with a great deal of pent-up energy and nothing to do about it.

She made no reply to his attempt to excuse it, just glanced away and pressed her lips together. She didn't want him to be sorry. She wasn't sure what she wanted of him but it certainly wasn't that. Maybe she wanted him to give her a sense of normalcy, to act as though things were fine.

"If only there were an entire world of other topics," she muttered, the words quiet but not enough so that Flash would be unable to discern them if he so chose. Her frustration with everything else was spilling through, which frustrated her even further. "You know what? Forget it, it's perfectly fine." It was, in fact, not perfectly fine, but Ana was irritated enough as it was.

@Flash Holmwood