Louder, Brighter Solo Fin

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17 October 2020
17:43

It was late afternoon when Dee slipped back into the Duelling Room, bordering on evening. The house-elves were probably putting the finishing touches on dinner, the hungriest among the students already headed to the Great Hall, eager for the feast on this exciting weekend.

Exciting, that was what it had been for Dee, too, in the past few weeks, right up until today when she'd stepped out onto one of the three stages set up in this room, head held high, smiling. The atmosphere had been different then - full of anticipation, students who had come to cheer on their friends and seniors clustered around the room, a thrill in the air that had crawled under Dee's skin and set her heart beating faster. She'd been proud, eager, and utterly, stupidly confident.

Now, she felt quite different as she walked over to the stage her duel had taken place on, her face unreadable. Not the one she'd moderated, no, that one had been fine. She'd even felt somewhat bad for the Hufflepuff team, but it hadn't really concerned her, firm in the belief that she would never fail like that. It seemed almost a little funny, looking back, but Dee wasn't laughing. There wasn't a trace of her usual expressiveness, the way thoughts and feelings seemed to spring from her eyes, brilliance dulled.

For a moment, Dee just placed her hand on the stage, the ground rough beneath her palms. They didn't want duellists slipping while dodging, after all - duels provided plenty of opportunity to get injured without adding that into the mix. She'd done a fine job dodging, too, earlier today, barely been hit by one spell from their opponents. And yet, she'd still managed to end up in the Hospital Wing. Nothing very bad, really - she'd been cured rather quickly, kept for a few hours for observation, and then been sent on her way with the advice to head to dinner, get some food into her stomach. Advice she'd promptly ignored.

Instead she was now here, staring into the semi-darkness of the Duelling Room because the sun was setting and she hadn't bothered lighting more than that one torch near the door, eyes unfocused. Odd. She wasn't quite sure why she was here, what had drawn her back. Dee was... well, if someone were to call her a coward she would bristle and do everything in her power to prove them wrong just to spite them, but truth be told, when things got difficult, Dee usually ran. Difficult conversations, difficult situations, reminders of her own weaknesses or failures, it was easier to avoid those than face them. Better to stay in denial than confront what might turn out to be unpleasant truths about herself. Proof of that lay hidden in her trunk, still unopened.

And yet... yet she was here.

She'd been still for almost a minute now, almost as if frozen in place, unblinking, but now movement returned to her body. First just a tremor of her finger, then she lowered her head. Placed her second hand on the stage, pushed herself up, ignoring the steps that led up to the stage just a few meters to her left. She got to her feet slowly, straightening up fully before she walked over to where she'd been standing earlier today. Where everything had gone wrong.

She could still remember the feeling, wand in hand, that sense of wrongness, of being betrayed by her own magic. Could taste the shock in her mouth, the surprise that had then turned to realisation, dry and bitter on her tongue. Forcing out a breath through her nose, Dee closed her eyes. She'd hoped it would help her pull herself back to the present, but instead, the rest of the sensations came flooding back in. The nausea, dizziness, the trouble breathing. The room swimming around her.

Her eyes blinking back open, Dee tried to focus on the far wall of the room, hoping to chase off the memory, remind herself that she was steady again. That it had been a fluke, nothing more. Except... the same thing had happened again, only the blink of an eye later, when the force of her own spell had sent her stumbling backwards.

She couldn't remember drawing her wand, but there it was, smooth between her fingers. Pointed across the stage.

"Flipendo." The first one was only a whisper, barely audible, the spell sputtering slightly at the tip of her wand before it went off, illuminating the darkening room in a flash of blue. It hadn't been a conscious decision to cast, had just slipped out. "Flipendo." Better. She wasn't sure what she was doing - trying to provoke the same thing again? Wanting to prove that it wouldn't? Part of her was expecting to be knocked back again, to feel the sick sensation of her own magic punching into her. "Flipendo." Louder. Brighter. Maybe she was even hoping it would, but it didn't. Where her wand had rebelled against her earlier, it was now choosing to cooperate, for reasons she couldn't fathom. It had failed her when she'd needed it, what use was its support now?

Her voice was echoing off the walls at this point, thrown back through the emptiness, her spells getting progressively stronger. They weren't aimed, just going straight forward. This room was able to take anything she could throw at it, had to. It was made to withstand magic stronger than hers.

"Flipendo." The last one came out calmer. Emptier, somehow. Whatever she'd been hoping for, some reason, explanation for her failure this afternoon, this hadn't provided it. The spell went out flawlessly, punching through empty air, a last flash of blue before the room went dark again, and Dee let her wand-arm sink.

For a moment, she stood there, watching the remnants of blue burned into her retina fade out, before she crouched down in an abrupt motion, a choked noise tearing itself from her throat. A whimper, almost, except Dee didn't whimper. She was stronger than that, wasn't she?

Pressing her hands against her temples, Dee squeezed her eyes shut, trying to fight through the frustration, the loathing, that was coming on in waves. Ever since she'd come to Hogwarts, she'd prided herself on being brilliant. Outstanding, a spark in the darkness, impossible to ignore. She'd worked hard on it, too - no matter what she pretended, not everything had come easy to her. She'd put in the hours, reading, practicing, excelling. She didn't have the connection to charms that she had to potions, not by far. But she'd always been right there, top grades, barely ever missing a mark. Had known she'd be able to show them this, make them regret before spitting on their feet and walking away. Excelling in duelling had only been supposed to be the next step, and in her arrogance, she hadn't even been surprised when she had been made captain of her team. It was only logical, only right.

And then, for the first time she could remember, she had well and truly failed when it had mattered the most.

It took a moment for her breathing to slow again, and when she opened her eyes, she was staring down at her knees, just centimeters from her face. She let her hands sink, slowly, her fingers loosening from where they had been clenched so tightly around her wand that she wondered idly how it hadn't snapped.

Well. She had a choice to make now, didn't she? Could declare this a failure, back down, look for her excellence somewhere else. Or she could stay here, flinging spells into the darkness until exhaustion hit, practice until she was too tired to raise her arm. Learn to work with her wand instead of just relying on it, to make damn well sure this didn't happen again. Fight for her success, prove she could do whatever she wanted, just because she wanted.

Dee had never been good at backing down.

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By SK

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