The Sheep's Breakdown PV Elena Finished

@Ross Stephens

As he held himself close curled up in a ball, he realized that the noise itself felt as if it was getting quieter. It was as if he was in his own little bubble where nobody could disturb it. He wanted nobody to pop his bubble, and perhaps maybe just maybe he could get some sleep. He was in the perfect position to simply lean into the warmth of the cold, prickly pine tree. He was in the perfect position to allow it to envelope him, and perhaps hide within the needles and thorns and allow himself to drift off into sleep. Thoughts that he needed to return to his room in order to sleep were brushed off, as the noises became fainter and fainter within his mind. He felt his muscles relax and his eyes flutter closed. This horrendous day would finally be over. Perhaps if he was lucky, someone would even be considerate enough to allow him to sleep within the Great Hall overnight. He began taking deep breaths.

...

...

...

"Hey there."

His eyes immediately snapped open as he felt a sudden pang within his head. It was so loud again, everything was so so so loud. He rubbed his eye as if he had truly been sleeping as he let her continue. Moment by moment he felt a boiling sensation within him that felt it was going to burst at any moment. Words passed through his brain as he hardly comprehended what she was saying, and only the volume it felt as if she was saying it. It may have been gentle, but the day was not over. All he wanted was for the day to be over. The heat was building up within him until she finally stopped

"Would ya SHUT UP already?" he snapped at the girl with a harshness of tone that certainly did not match his appearance. the words clearly having gone right over his head. "It's MY business, why dontcha stay out of it? he added, but this time a bit of distress leaked into his voice.

He was not even directing it at her at the end of the day, but yet his brain could not comprehend it. His amygdala was far more active than he would have liked it. Everything felt so loud. His brain felt so fuzzy. He groaned and put his head between his legs again, except this time he felt tears threaten to fall. Why was he upset? He was NOT upset, he was just.. angry was all. This was not HIS fault, it was the world's. They were the ones being so loud, not him.

As Ross processed the kind words, he was hit with an overwhelming pang of guilt. It felt as if someone had stabbed him in the chest with a knife and twisted it before taking it back out. She meant well- she was not the one making the noise. She was only trying to assist him. He just hurt a perfectly fine person, yet he could hardly keep his mind on not doing it again. It was only then that he felt the salty tears flow down his pale cheeks. It was not her fault the world was so loud, it was the world's fault. He sniffled into his knees before peaking out a bit to disrupt the flow of tears with his sleeves.

Just by peaking, he finally could get a good view of who she was. Just from her appearance he could tell she was either older or more mature than him, and both made him feel worse about the situation. He felt like a child who had done something wrong. There was a reason Ross avoided breaking the rules, and it was the horrendous scenarios such as these. He always would remember the overwhelming feeling of guilt within his body as he froze up and attempted to apologize for his actions when he broke a key rule at school. He would never be able to not recall how he was chastised for his actions. It burned, he could not stand the disapproval of others.

"O..O' course I do it's.. it's why i'm over here and such." he mumbled as he put his face back between his knees once more, desperately attempting to cover the tears that kept flowing.

The tone still sounded harsh, as if it was defensive. Ross hardly took note of it, all he was taking note of was how everybody else seemed to be acting. The girl had managed to isolate his attention on her. It seemed far more quiet; however, he felt as if he had no control over how he acted. It was like he was spectating from the other side of the room.

She continued to speak to him kindly, which Ross could hardly comprehend. Why was she being nice to him when he was in such a state? It only enforced the guilt more. Was the day his fault? He felt so out of control. He felt as if he was going crazy. As she finished her beginning, he allowed there to be a pause. He sniffled until he was certain the tears had stopped, in which he allowed himself to peak out of his knees and at her again. As touching as her words were, they frustrated him as well. He could not stay positive right now. All he wanted to do was merge with the tree beside him.

"T..the holidays aren't the time for that. Everyone's gone and... and you gotta be alone. and nothin' good comes of it!" he lashed out before feeling the familiar sensation of his eyes leaking once more. This time, he did not retreat inside of his little safe space he had claimed for himself. "There's nothin' good of it at all!" the words stumbled out, reinforcing his 'beliefs' once more.

He hugged his knees into himself tighter as if it was a comfort stuffed animal of sorts. He expected her to bring up how wonderful the Holidays were. Instead, she asked a question that caught him off guard. He loved when people caught him off guard; however, right now he would have adored everything to have been simply predictable and bland. Somewhere quiet and warm like the common room or.. under the Christmas tree perhaps. He once again felt the temptation to climb under it like some form of terrified cat. Even so, she kept the question simple. It forced him to think, to remind himself. He instinctively reached for the ring on his finger and started fidgeting with it.

"Ross... Ross Stephens, but it isn't really important. nothin' about me is really important..." he mumbled self deprecatingly.

It was blatant he was not fishing for compliments, because even he seemed mildly surprised it came out like that. His oversharing filter seemed completely turned off, but he seemed completely unaware that that was a thought he had to share in the first place. He had not even considered that being a problem of his, yet he could hardly pay attention to his own words and actions. It was everyone else's that mattered currently.

As she pushed a plate of pecan pie towards him, he cringed at the noise the plate made against the floor. It felt as if all of his senses were going off. Still, that was balanced out by the smell. Oh the smell of Hogwarts dessert could make anyone risk their life for a taste. His stomach growled, and it did seem... rather convenient. But what if she was trying to poison him? Of course she was not trying to poison him. His senses were going against himself. He wasn't hungry- of course he was hungry.

He looked to the side and let out a quiet "thanks..." making it rather unclear if he was accepting the food or not, yet at the end of the day he knew he would end up smuggling the plate to the Hufflepuff common room.

As he stared to the side, the kind words came once again. Every part of him was tearing him apart. Was he hungry or was he not? Was it too loud or was it too quiet? Was he happy or was he not? He could not find a single answer, yet he still found himself appreciating her company. It frustrated him to no end, but he also found relief in it.

"I dunno..." he mumbled, still looking off to the side. He allowed there to be silence for a moment, until he finally felt a jumble of words flow out. "I just.. I dunno if i'm important and all that and i keep gettin' replaced and i dunno I keep lyin'... and i'm supposed to be a detective i'm supposed to know but i dunno... and i feel sorta annoying and i just dunnoifwhati'mdoingisright" He managed to get out.

Tears began to flow again through the jumble of words. It was blatant he only had formed the concept of the sentence beforehand by the way he spoke. It sounded frustrated- angry even. yet there was something pathetic about it. It was feelings based and only that. Ross could not even list specific examples from where he got the ideas.

@Ross Stephens

Ross used his sleeve to wipe the tears that seemed to never stop flowing. He felt increasingly aware of how disgusting he was going to feel as he attempted to sleep that night an dhow much he would love to change into far more dry, comfortable clothes once more. He could still feel his heart pounding in his chest, but only just then did it occur to him it was beating far faster than it was supposed to be. He was panicking. To any outside source that would have been obvious, but it was an eye-opening moment. He was drunk on emotions, and he was just now beginning to sober up. It was as if her words were a cold glass of water down his throat, clearing his head of gibberish. Luckily for him, he was still drunk enough to not consider the hangover that came next.

Her words were touching, enough to almost bring him back to earth. Almost. She was right about everything but one- he was alone. Well, he knew he was not technically alone. His head was screaming LIAR as he listened to his own tangent come out of his mouth. He was a drifter. Nobody to spend Christmas with ,but enough people to be able to enjoy classes as he drifted back and fourth between people. Still, the sudden guilt he felt from his rant and the warmth in his heart informed him he appreciated it.

"T..thank you, bein' lonely sucks... he hiccupped, looking straight at her. It was direct, he was acknowledging her feelings too. "but i... it's different! I'm all alone with nothin' but myself. Dunno anyone who... has reached out to me or anythin' within the last couple months." he mumbly rushed, looking off to the side once more.

Part of him was aware how it was on him for not reaching out to his friends. He was aware that he just needed to put fourth the effort, but he struggled. It was no fair. It felt as if people should just come to HIM. Before he could put much thought into it, she began addressing the second part of his 'problem'. Was it a problem? He could hardly comprehend anything. It felt fuzzy. Still, he managed to comprehend her words, which still touched him. He noted she was rather mature earlier, but she still gave off the energy just by the way she spoke. It was quite the juxtaposition between how much of a mess he was at the current moment. It was not as if he himself was aware of it, but he would realize in the morning. An apology letter was to be expected if he could recall her name.

"I.. but... but I.... he struggled to think of a rebuttal before sighing and looking at his knees "... I guess ya got some sense there" he muttered.

It felt as if he was just disproven in an argument about his own self worth, and yet despite the fact she won he won as well. It was only when she began to use ethos that the guilt really started setting in. She had been in the shoes, yet she was handling it better than him. In fact, she was in his shoes. There was somewhat a comfort and a pain in knowing someone else had the same feelings as him. He was at a loss for words. Every word she said described how he felt. Instead of thanking her or changing his perspective, he could only get one phrase out.

"... How do ya... do it? how do ya keep it together?" he sniffled out

@Ross Stephens

He was aware she was correct and it only hurt him more. Hogwarts had been a new start for him. In fact, he hardly talked to anyone in his home town. He remained in the shadows and he enjoyed it, but he forced himself to change that at Hogwarts. He recalled his first time sitting at the Hufflpuff table attempting to bring up conversation with a girl. While it did not lead to much, he felt small sense of pride within himself. He was so used to constantly being caught up within himself that finally getting out of his own business and into someone else's felt wonderful. It had been a change for sure. He had met so many wonderful, intriguing people the year prior that he had gotten into the business of and 'solved.' People were like free mysteries with friendship as the reward, after all.

Yet over Summer, he had contacted not a single one of them. In fact, he had not even said hi to one of them in the hallways. He had left himself alone. He even celebrated his own birthday alone. He had not been spiteful- more of, he planned to spend it alone. Yet he did not like being alone in that way. It was as if he enjoyed torturing himself, but at the same time he was perfectly content with his parent's birthday gift and nothing more.

He only could find himself sighing and nodding in response, hoping it spoke for itself. The words simply failed when it came to it. She had nailed his exact feelings, and it made him uncomfortable. He was tired, he was hungry, and he felt hopeless. She knew exactly what was happening. He found solving people a fun game, but he had never been solved himself. In fact, he never considered himself interesting enough to look into in that way. He never really thought about himself much at all, but how could he? There was so much external stimulus there was no reason to look at the internal stimulus.

He was snapped out of his confusion as she began to inform him of how she did it. He NEEDED the answer. Perhaps it was how tired he was, but he felt like it could unlock the secret to the universe. If he could figure this out, maybe he could figure the rest of his life out. Of course, that's what mattered when one could not even process too much noise, right?

Her answer, to be frank, disappointed him. That was so difficult. He searched EVERYWHERE, yet he struggled to find anyone who bothered with him. It was always a one time encounter, but it at least let him wander between people. He faced friendly smiles all around the school, yet he could always feel so alone. With her recent response, it came across his mind that possibly everyone felt like that at his age.

He felt lost until she called him important. Until she pointed out there was hope. Was there hope? Of course there was hope. There had to be. If everyone felt like this then there was no way he could be the only one alone, right? He blatantly lit up.

"... ya really think so?" he inquired, only now feeling tears threaten to pour once more.

@Ross Stephens