Things I Cannot Say PV Clifton closed

22 Sep 2020, 02:59

September 1, 2020

I told myself not to write here in this journal. After all, what is the point? I can try and lie to myself and think somehow you'll hear these words that I've written but I know it's not true. You might have told me goodbye and yet somehow I can't seem to let you go. I hope you're doing well and that you're safe, as are your parents and little Clover.

Today begins another year at Hogwarts. Remember last year how hard we fought so that we'd both be returning? We did pretty good...just not good enough.

I still haven't seen my father; still haven't heard from him. I miss him. Then again, seems I miss everyone anymore. I try not to be this pathetic mess of a person. No one wants someone who's mopey around and yet it's hard to find the happiness.

I gave James and Margie a hug before I left and sat by myself in an empty compartment on the Hogwarts Express. It was more difficult than I thought walking to Platform 9 3/4 where everyone seemed to be saying goodbyes to their family or greeting friends hello.

Two friends did join me though on the ride, Alex and Henry. It was nice to see them and maybe I shouldn't be trying to seclude myself. Maybe friends is what I need to get through the year.

I'm going to try and stay hopeful of this upcoming year. First year started off pretty rocky and then ended up being the best. Maybe that'll be a reoccurring theme for me on my journey here at Hogwarts.

I know you won't see it but I left one of our token trademark origami badgers in the Common Room with a note inside. It said "Miss you already!" just as yours had that you left on my desk before you left on your visit.

Last edited by Alina Rosier on 22 Sep 2020, 17:01, edited 1 time in total.

Let your confidence shine, pretty girl.

22 Sep 2020, 03:08

September 2, 2020

I don't know what the dorms were like in the boys' area but for us, we had various options to choose from. Last year I was in a section called Wenlock Lodge and it was divided up into rooms where only two girls were in a room together. This was the perfect option then for a girl who was mad at the world for being put in Hufflepuff. I tolerated my dorm mate, Kaylie Lovens, but she left shortly after the school year began and I ended up having that space to myself.

Still, as you know, that mad at the world girl didn't stay and I soon made friends within Hogwarts. No longer does Wenlock Lodge feel like a refuge, rather an escape and just adds to the loneliness right now. I didn't want that so I asked permission to switch and now I'm in the section known as Badger Bungalow, located right near my friends Lucia Fox and once again, Alexa Mackenzie.

Remember when I used to be jealous of Alexa for thinking she liked you? Crazy how close of friends we now are. I'm glad of it.

I attached a photograph of my dorm space for reference which is a little crazy since you'll never see it. Still, if you were here, I'd be proud of it and want to show it to you.

Let your confidence shine, pretty girl.

22 Sep 2020, 03:22

September 4, 2020

After Supper this evening many went to do their usual - either go off to the Common Rooms or stay out on the Grounds to socialize. I decided to work some on my map that I started last year. It still stands that I think somehow this castle changes and evolves. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but find it absolutely fascinating.

This evening I was walking up one of the normal staircases and turned east down a corridor when I walked right into a first year Gryffindor. He may have been first year but he's pretty tall and you know how terribly short I am. I really should have been watching where I was going more closely.

After I apologized, he introduced himself as Aemadall Zarcovich. I've never heard that name and I doubt I could pronounce it correctly but luckily he goes by Logan. That's MUCH easier! I showed him my map and he talked a little about mythology. He seems to know quite a lot about that and I find it interesting.

I agreed to be his unofficial tour guide to Hogwarts and we're going to start with the Quidditch Pitch. I know what you're thinking...my quidditch knowledge is limited, at least in the technical playing aspect. You're absolutely right but I can still show him a good introduction. I am the daughter of the owner of Puddlemere United after all. Turns out, he's pretty new to the wizarding world so anything that I tell him will be new information for him.

We have some in common. He's got siblings far away and his mother is also no longer alive. It was nice meeting him. He's easy to talk to and helps keep my mind off you things.

Let your confidence shine, pretty girl.

22 Sep 2020, 03:46

September 10, 2020

Today I decided to try my hand at new friendships. That First Year Gryffindor that I mentioned, Logan Zarcovich, we decided to meet up at the Quidditch Practice Pitch so I could teach him what limited knowledge I have of quidditch. I must admit that I did go to the library the night before hand and brush up on some quick reading, just in case. If one is to be an instructor, they at least have to know their content, right?

I never realized just how heavy quidditch supplies were! I couldn't even lift the trunk that carries the needed balls for play - not to mention all the padding and whatnot! Luckily Logan was a gentleman and helped lift and carry the large trunk or else our lesson might never have begun and I'd still be out there trying to move that thing around a week from now!

We talked a bit about how things in the wizarding world have weird names but then again I think a lot of things in English have funny names. Maybe that's what happens when you're not a native speaker of a place.

Anyways, when we got to the practice pitch we worked on a few basics. Turns out Logan would want to be a beater if he got on a team and I could see that from his size - he's taller and has an athletic build.

From there we headed to the Lake and he told me a bit more about his family and himself. I could tell he missed his family and a lot in his life before Hogwarts - life in the muggle world. I told him that was the great thing about Hogwarts - that you get a family you never knew you had. I also told him though that the trick is to not let one person become too important though - because when they take themselves from you, you're left with a void.

He asked me to go to the upcoming dance with him and caught me off guard. I mean, it's not like I can go with you so...

It's better than not going.

It's better than going alone.

No, correction. I WANT to go with him. YOU certainly aren't here to go with me and I can't just wallow in that forever. I said yes. Not only did I say yes but I lifted myself up and rested a gentle kiss on his cheek. Again, it isn't as if you asked me to wait around for you. There's this dance and a boy asked me and I'm rather fond of him, okay? Deal with it.

Let your confidence shine, pretty girl.

22 Sep 2020, 04:24

September 12, 2020

I officially don't know what I'm doing anymore. You know I like to make it seem like I have my life together but you know what? I don't. You also knew that. But now I've really gone and messed things up. I don't understand it really. I'm trying to write about the day's events and yet it seems like a blur.

I woke up early, like I always do anymore. If you want a hot shower in the morning, you wake up before everyone else. The only problem with that is instead of easily going back to sleep, I find myself up for the day. Still, watching the sunrise isn't such a bad way of starting the day and today I thought it would be nice to share that experience.

I thought wrong.

I went to the Fifth Floor and up to the Gryffindor Tower and asked one of the boys if he would wake up Logan. The morning started out nicely enough. He said that I couldn't stay away and I replied that maybe I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to back out of the dance since I already ordered my dress. It's beautiful, by the way, white and sparkling, just like a princess would wear. A pretty big contrast to what I wore to our Secret Secret Blossom Ball last year.

Anyway, I had also brought some doughnuts with me that morning to share. He said I could keep the doughnuts though because he had a strange craving for lemon drops. I told him he found himself the right girl because I was never without them and fed him one. I think that's where it all began to fall downhill.

I was flirting. I was flirting with him. How on earth could I be doing such a thing? One moment I'm making a new friend and the next I'm eager to see his face, to stare into his blue eyes and try to sweep away his fallen dark hair from his face?

I think I sensed what was going on and distracted myself by taking his hand and leading him from the Grounds up to the Covered Bridge where we could finish watching the sunrise over the horizon of the Scottish Highlands. It was a beautiful sunrise and I ended up resting my head upon his shoulder. I think that feeling fell over me again.

I asked if he wanted another lemon drop and told him if he wanted that one, he would have to take it. I placed it into my mouth and baited him to kiss me. KISS me! And guess what? He did! His lips touched mine and it was a nice kiss. I liked it. I liked it too much.

I wasn't supposed to initiate it, let alone enjoy it! I felt nervous and uncomfortable and I apologized. I became a blubbering idiot He then asked why I baited him and I didn't have an answer. I told him it was best that I go and I darted off.

What is he going to think of me now? I don't even know how to mend this! This is all YOUR fault! Stop making me feel guilty!

Let your confidence shine, pretty girl.

22 Sep 2020, 04:40

September 14, 2020

I'm sorry.

Your friend, the one in Gryffindor - Alec Mason? I snapped at him. I was in the Library and trying NOT to let it take me down the path of memories of me reading while you bounced a ball or sneaking in a private dance in the corner near the window. So far I had been able to avoid this place like the plague but now I needed to do some research for History of Magic.

I thought maybe if I just got in and out quick enough that it wouldn't matter - that maybe I could be out before you crept into my mind but of course that wouldn't work. That's when I saw him and I couldn't help but feel angry inside.

I walked right up to him and wasn't friendly at all. Instead, I snapped at him with an "Oh, it's you... Tell me, do you ever wonder if you were something other than your pathetic self that your 'friend' Clifton might have decided it worth coming back to school this year?" Instead of actually asking him though I was really asking myself.

I still would never have you choose your family over me but I can't help but wonder if maybe I was somehow better that maybe it would have made your choice a little more difficult, or that maybe you could have somehow hung onto us, even if only slightly.

I'll try and be more kind in the future.

And I'll try to not hang onto you so tightly so that it's causing such harm. Maybe it's time that I allow myself to breathe, even if just slightly.

Let your confidence shine, pretty girl.

22 Sep 2020, 05:03

September 15, 2020

I approached Logan the other day to talk to him, trying to establish back a bond and save our relationship after making such a fool of myself with the kiss on the Covered Bridge. He agreed that we'd still go the dance together but was a little hesitant only because he didn't know the classic wizarding types of dances so I agreed to help him with that.

Today we met at the Ballroom for some dance lessons. I usually avoid the Ballroom, but again, it's time for some changes. No more overthinking EVERYTHING. No more being upset at myself for the things I'm doing. No more dwelling on the past.

This was about teaching Logan how to dance so he felt more confident about the upcoming Ball. I knew he'd do great. He was a natural at quidditch and surely he'd be a natural dancer as well.

I told him that dancing was really just a way for two people to enjoy themselves, express themselves, to share time together, and to communicate without words. No stress needed to be felt. No pressure.

I took his hands and began to lead him through some of the steps of the more simple formal dances. Just as I thought, he was a natural and it wasn't long before I stopped leading him and let him take control. I was glad he didn't outcast me and I was glad he didn't decide to drop me as his date to the dance.

Now, the next words here would be quite difficult to write if I ever thought you'd actually read them. We finished with our dance lesson and I thought the large Ballroom would be the perfect place for a game of hide and seek because one is never too old for such things...even if they think they are. I covered my eyes and began to count when the unexpected happened. He kissed me.

Before, I spent time building my knowledge of him, my trust of him, and my bond with him, but was too afraid to actually let it take me anywhere. I still held onto you as if you'd come back any day but that's not the case, now is it? No, you left. You're gone. You ended things and didn't ask me to wait.

Before, I didn't expect it and I certainly hadn't thought it through. I complicated things and found a quick escape, apologized and darted off. This however was my second chance and I'm sorry if it hurts but I didn't stammer, I didn't step away, I didn't run and I didn't question. You know what I did? I kissed him back.

This doesn't mean that you're out of my thoughts or out of my mind but it's time for me to move on.

Let your confidence shine, pretty girl.

22 Sep 2020, 16:55

September 22, 2020

I've been pretty harsh with you lately, haven't I? I suppose, while I may understand why you left, I realize that I'm still angry that you left. This wasn't how things were supposed to be for us. I KNOW that. You know that. It isn't fair.

I spent a great deal of time tossing and turning last night and thinking of you. I hope that you're safe. I hope Josh and Esme are safe and I hope little Clover is safe. Is she still attached to her pixie? I always thought about making a little girl one with a pink bow so that Pete could have himself a friend, who knows, maybe even a girlfriend.

I wonder often what you're doing. Do you go to classes? Are you off living a normal muggle existence like you did in Rye before coming to Hogwarts? Are you playing football and liking it? Can you visit a beach and find sand dollars and make shell necklaces? Do you get to learn about your stars? I hope so.

Everything is harder without you. I don't mean to place pressure on you but it's true. Everything, especially being here at Hogwarts. So many memories of so many moments. We had the times we danced, studied, and researched in the Library. We had the Hufflepuff Table in the Great Hall for every meal, the Hufflepuff Common Room to hang out. We had the Lake, the Grounds, the Astronomy Tower, the Secret Passage, the Trophy Room, the escapes on the moving staircase. We had it it all.

We had it all.

I miss you.

Let your confidence shine, pretty girl.