Fear Doesn't Just Go Away PV Closed

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𝓓aily walks around the grounds or some other part of the Hogwarts campus was something that was ingrained in Amadea's schedule. From the beginning of her first year to now, she religiously took her walks. It wasn't only just good for her physical health but also quite good for her mental health as well. During her walks she was able to clear her head and process her thoughts; alone time was something she found to be sparse around the school and was something that she valued a lot. As an introvert, Amadea liked her time alone to recharge and just relax; with so many dormmates and friends constantly around she sometimes found it hard to get some time for herself which was another reason why she loved her daily walks so much.

She also loved them because of the amount of interesting things that she had encountered over the years. Anything from discovering weird creatures living in the Great Lake to forging some new friendships, Amadea had experienced it all during her walks. Even just this year alone, Amadea had returned a cat to its rightful owner and made two new friends while bumping into people on her walks. These walks had proved to be quite helpful to her growth as a person.

It was also nice to provide some sort of structure and routine to Amadea's day. She thrived off of having a set routine and stressed when things were not planned out. While she knew that a lot of the things that happened at Hogwarts were out of her control and things she couldn't possibly prepare herself for, she compromised with the fact that she could at least schedule a daily walk into her life. Not being in control was something Amadea didn't necessarily like and she enjoyed having at least this small activity to grasp onto to make her feel more in control of the driver's seat of her life.

Amadea followed the gravel path that led away from the castle and toward the Quidditch Pitch. She liked to vary the places where she walked and found herself gravitating toward the Pitch today and let her feet carry her there. As she approached, Amadea noticed a girl sitting in the grass and heard sounds of wheezing. While Amadea didn't know exactly what was going on, she could easily take a guess. Panic attacks were something that Amadea hadn't experienced until the death of her father and were new and terrifying to her. She knew what it was like, the fear, the panic, watching your body react in ways that you couldn't stop. Amadea rushed over to the girl, even though she didn't know who it was and carefully placed her hand on the girl's shoulder. "What can I do to help?" she asked.

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Katrina was used to panic attacks that were easier to deal with. Perhaps they only lasted a minute or two. Other times, all she had to do was move or talk and it went away. Sometimes all it took was someone to say something or ask if she was alright and it would fade away. But not this time. This time, it was longer and harder and bigger and scarier.

There was something different. She was afraid to loose control of herself. She was afraid she would turn into the monster who scared a first year Ravenclaw into a panic attack. She was afraid to turn into the spiteful monster who hexed people. She was afraid to turn into something she wasn’t something that was horrible and unfeeling.

Katrina was paler now and shuddering. Everything hurt. Her head, her stomach, her whole body. The tears had stopped, not that she really noticed. There was a pressure on her shoulder. Her eyes saw a figure standing there, not one she recognized, but her vision was tilting and blurry so she couldn’t make out much. “What can I do to help?”

Katrina squeaked something incomprehendable. “Pitch… bad,” There was some murmuring between those words but it wasn’t very clear. “They need to… the mosps… I can help!” Her mind was back in her memories, trapping her in her worst moments. “Flowers are fire… burning… my house… my parents are dead?” Katrina’s tears started up again, “Why am I not healing right… with me? Don’t go!” Katrina murmurs stopped as her memories faded to black.

“What is wrong with me?” The words were muffled in her hands. The panic attack was still full force and Katrina could feel her whole body shaking. Her heart was racing and jabs of pain were in her ear and her arm. But there was someone there? Right? Or was that just part of her nightmare?

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@Katrina Walker

𝓐madea's eyebrows creased as she tried to make sense of the words coming out of the girl's mouth. She caught something about the pitch being bad, which Amadea could assume meant the Quidditch Pitch. Maybe she was a Quidditch Player and had a bad fall or something? The question was soon answered as she muttered something about mosps; ah so this was about the secret Blossom Ball. While Amadea had not attended the event, she had heard of the horrors of it and was glad she had opted to stay in her dorm that night, peacefully reading a book.

She kept going on and Amadea did her best to listen and decipher. Her parents were dead? Amadea felt a huge pang of sympathy roll through her body. Only earlier this year had Amadea lost her father and it was the toughest thing she had ever experienced in her life. She still wasn't healed from it, and was unsure she ever would be, but she couldn't imagine losing both of her parents. Her mother had been her rock through this all, as well as her sister, and she couldn't imagine how painful it must have been to lose both of her parents. Amadea carefully reached out and placed a hand on the girl's shoulder.

"Can you try to take some deep breaths?" Amadea asked softly, taking a deep breath herself. It was one of the grounding techniques that she had been taught during her Muggle therapy sessions; focusing on breathing allowed you to relax, apparently, and while Amadea wasn't sure of the science behind it, it always seemed to work for her. The girl was shaking so badly that Amadea didn't know what she should do. Maybe she should try to get the girl to the hospital wing? Surely the nurses would know how to handle this much better than she could. The hospital wing was on the third floor, though, and Amadea didn't know if she could get the girl to walk all the way there while she was shaking like this. Amadea just hoped that the peak of the panic attack would end soon so she could try and figure out how to help more.

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Katrina felt the memories fading some. The shaking began to subside, but with it came a headache. Flashes of white-hot pain in her ear and arm continued to remind Katrina of what was going on. After a few moments, Katrina was able to move again, no longer trapped in her memories. But the fear that gripped her heart lingered, the monster within her refusing to release it's hold.

Katrina could hear a deep breath beside her and forced herself to raise her head. It took everything in her to listen to the words that the girl was saying. Deep breaths. Katrina was used to those, usually doing that and focusing on her surroundings made the panic attacks go away. For some reason, it was much harder than she remembered. It took actual effort to slow her breaths and even them out. She was gasping for air now, but the worst of the panic had run itself out.

Katrina swallowed a few times, everything going on making it hard to put words together. "It's a panic attack," Each word was hard to make clear enough to understand. Katrina took a deep breath before managing to get the rest out, "Worse than usual," Katrina assumed that that much was clear, but she didn't know.

The second-year felt herself fumbling with the sleeve of the Gryffindor sweatshirt. She was pulling the cuff up to the inside of her elbow. There was a white mark, even magic not able to heal it completely. She tucked her hair behind her right ear to display a similar color, lighter scar where the Mosp stinger had grazed her ear. There was a faint chance that the girl had heard the rumors of Katrina not healing well, or the rumor that she had died. Obviously she hadn't died, but she had taken a bit longer than others had to heal, she assumed it was because of the mild PTSD that seemed to follow her like an unshakable cloud.

Katrina realized that her thoughts had cleared and that she had calmed enough to breathe regularly. Something that people didn't realize is that the panic attack lasted for much longer than the worst part. A heaviness followed, as did the fear that refused to budge no matter how hard you tried. No matter how hard you push it to the side.

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@Katrina Walker

𝓐madea's hand was still resting on the girl's shoulder and she felt the shaking slowly subside as the peak of the panic attack ended. Still, Amadea didn't move at all, unsure if her hand was doing any good; she just knew that if she moved it then she was going to feel even more useless than she already was feeling. The girl was still weak and Amadea rubbed her back as she took gasping breaths of air.

Finally, she spoke again, but this time her voice was far less panicked. Amadea could tell that she was coming out of the worst of her panic attack. 'Worse than usual,' the girl had said. It made Amadea wonder how often this type of thing occurred for the girl. From Amadea's own experience, she had never struggled with her mental health until the passing of her father. While she knew that her sister Katerina had struggled with depression for a long time before her father's death, Amadea had been lucky enough not to experience any sort of depression or anxiety disorder until the beginning of this year. It was something that was so horrible and so hard to understand unless you had been through the same thing.

Amadea didn't know anything about this girl, but she knew that some of the people at Hogwarts had gone through things that Amadea couldn't even imagine. The events that occurred at Hogwarts were terrible enough; something always went wrong during the Blossom Balls and fire seemed to have a reoccurring appearance every time something happened. Amadea sensed that this girl had been through a lot and this was something she had been dealing with for a long time. She felt for the girl; anxiety disorders and panic attacks were tough to deal with and she knew that it took a very long time to recover, if one ever fully recovered at all.

Amadea continued to watch the girl, still unsure if she should say anything. As she pulled up the cuff of her sweatshirt, Amadea noticed the scar on the inside of her elbow and as she pushed back her hair, the other scar behind her ear. Amadea fought the urge to gasp; while she hadn't heard any of the gory details of what happened at the BlossomBall, she had heard about the mosps and how many students had been injured from the attack. The extent to which the injuries went though, Amadea had not known. Clearly, this had been a brutal attack leaving not only mental, but also physical scars on the poor Gryffindor. "I-I'm so sorry," Amadea said, knowing that her words were not enough but knowing that there wasn't anything else she could say. Amadea couldn't imagine what that experience must have been like and she felt so badly that the girl had gone through that.

"Do you want to go to the hospital wing for a bit?" Amadea asked. "Just to rest for a little while?" She shifted, unsure of what to do. "Um, if you want to talk about anything, though," she added, "I'm happy to listen." While Amadea knew that rehashing whatever had triggered her panic attack definitely wasn't on the top of the Gryffindor's list of things to do, Amadea felt bad not at least offering a listening ear. From her own experience, Amadea had learned that sometimes sharing things made everything seem a little better and it felt like the weight of carrying whatever it was that she was carrying seemed a little lighter.

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Katrina found her thoughts spiraling down, the monster she was trying to hide away clawing its way through her thoughts and dragging her down. It was the same monster that made her violent and hateful, the monster that disregarded the compassionate caring girl she was and flipped her around until she was awful and heartless. Finally, Katrina realized she was spiraling and looked up to the girl with her hand on Katrina's shoulder.

She seemed surprised to see the scars Katrina bore. It was justified fright, anything that leaves a mark magic can't erase is pretty bad after all. The girl apologized and Katrina shrugged, still trying to find the right words. Katrina was so used to being under control and not showing her emotions or her scars that she didn't know what to do once she did.

"Um, I don't need the Hospital Wing," Katrina sort of laughed, realizing that she was likely frightening the girl, "I- Just... I don't know. Can we, uh, walk somewhere away from--" Katrina tossed her head in the vague direction of the pitch.

Katrina stood up, dusting imaginary dirt off of herself. Her movements were a bit shaky, but as long as she was moving, it wasn't obvious. She was thankful that the girl had come, it would have been a much longer session without the presence of someone else, "So, uh, I'm Katrina Walker,"

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@Katrina Walker

𝓐madea watched in concern as the girl began calming down. She hoped that her presence was helping and not hurting; Amadea listened as she started coming back to earth. She assured Amadea that she didn't need to go to the hospital wing, which Amadea wanted to argue but she also didn't want to upset the girl even more than she already was. If she didn't want to go to the hospital wing, Amadea was just going to have to take her word for it and trust that she really was okay.

A walk. Amadea could walk. She actually had been on her daily walk before she had seen the girl and walked over. It seemed like the Quidditch Pitch was what had triggered her panic attack, so maybe walking away would help calm the girl down. "Yes, we can definitely take a walk," Amadea said, keeping her hands ready in case the girl fell over as she stood up. She seemed a bit shaky but definitely more calm and strong than she had been when Amadea had first seen her.

"Nice to meet you Katrina," Amadea said. "I'm Amadea Campbell. Hufflepuff. Fourth year." She started slowly walking back away from the Quidditch Pitch and toward the castle. She wracked her brain for something to say to continue the conversation; small talk was not Amadea's strong suit. "Uh, so what do you like to do?" Amadea cringed. Worst question in the history of all questions; but hopefully conversation would flow easier from here and would distract Katrina from her panic.

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Katrina took a breath as the girl stood up too. It seemed her shakiness did not go unnoticed. The other girl made a motion to ensure she didn't fall over. It was just like that and Katrina appeared to be fine. She hid her shaky hands in the pockets of her school robes and forced her breaths to slow until they sounded normal. She hid her emotion behind the carefully constructed mask. Her mouth almost hinted a smile and her eyes were pretending to be bright and alert.

However, inside the memories still flashed and a headache still throbbed. Her arm and side felt light they were burning through her cloak. Her heart still raced, however that wasn't something she could hide.

The girl introduced herself as Amadea. She was a fourth-year, a year older than Katrina. Hufflepuff too, Katrina didn't know too many Hufflepuffs. What did she do? "Um, I draw a lot. And am a part of SWAG club. What else do I do? Oh, I am making a club. Scavenger Hunt Club. Yeah, I do a lot of school I guess..." Katrina laughed a bit uncomfortably, she really didn't do much did she? "What about you?"

As Katrina talked, she began to walk. Away from the Pitch. Away from the memories.

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@Katrina Walker

𝓐madea watched the girl as she got to her feet and the two girls began walking. She was hoping that talking would allow Kat to calm down more and she hoped that Kat knew that if she wanted to talk about anything that Amadea would happily lend an ear. She listened as Kat explained all that she did around Hogwarts, listing off a lot of different things.

"Oh wow, you're doing a lot!" Amadea said. Of course, it seemed like everyone at Hogwarts was booked to the maximum with their curriculum as well as extracurricular activities. There wasn't much else to do though; Amadea would much rather be busy than spend hours sitting in the common room with nothing to do. "I like taking walks every day," Amadea said. "It really helps me stay grounded and it also keeps me in shape. I run the Gobstones Club," she added. "SWAG sounds really interesting; I definitely am going to join next year." Amadea would have joined the club this year if she hadn't been gone for most of the year. Unfortunately, she was realizing, there wasn't much that she did around school lately. After all, she really had been gone for a lot of the year and she was focusing on just catching up on her work and catching up with her friends. Hopefully next year things would change, though and she would slowly get back into the routine of doing more activities.

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