Folded Feelings PV Flash Finished

@Flash Holmwood

For a moment Ruka thought he may have overstepped again, crossed the line between what was an acceptable question and what was just a bit too intense to fit into casual conversation, but then Flash answered, calmly albeit with less content than Ruka would have hoped in his response. He hadn't really thought about it; It was an instinctual response then, something he just did because so few others would. Most people had an easier time brushing blame off on others, rid themselves off the guilt and the consequences the second they saw a chance to do so.

Flash was the opposite, shouldering it like a backpack, ready to carry the burden around the world if he had to. It would have been admirable if it wasn't so ridiculously stupid.

The thought made him think of Jack for a moment, smiling as he admitted to drawing the short end of the stick in any situation without any regrets as he knew he could accept it with the most grace. Why did all these damaged people believe they were the rest of the world's garbage bags for unwanted emotions? Where was the self-worth, what happened to that arrogance they exuded with every word they said, every movement they made?

Ruka thought of himself to have a distinct lack of self-worth, but he didn't think he was prepared to relieve anybody of emotions they didn't want to feel by absorbing them himself.

"Do you ever think that maybe, by taking all the blame, you rob people of the chance to learn from their actions?" he asked thoughtfully, calmly and without any intention of chiding him for anything. "Not only are you hurting yourself but you're also giving other people the impression that they can't handle the consequences. When people don't have consequences to deal with they won't learn what not to do and in turn repeat their behaviour over and over again." He sighed quietly, gaze fixed on one of the origami instructions for a moment before darting back up to focus on Flash's face. "You can only take so much blame before you break," he said, a small, sad smile spreading on his face as he shrugged lightly, nibbling on his bottom lip for a moment. "And you're far too smart to let people who don't have half your brilliance break you like that. It'd be a bloody waste."

It would be, was the thing. Flash was by far one of the most intriguing people Ruka had met at Hogwarts so far, despite all the flaws he could see in him. Maybe the Gryffindor didn't approve of his methods, didn't really trust his intentions, but there was no denying the fact that Flash was clever, knew what he wanted and was willing to do what it took to get him there. Among a herd of sheep, Flash wasn't the wolf but the shepherd, leading the flock wherever he saw fit; Whether that was slaughter or a safe haven was another story.

Deciding to give Flash a moment to think about his words, Ruka averted his gaze again, busying his fingers with the fox origami as he spoke of Jack and his dad and his own view on trust and why there was no such thing in the world he had grown up in. It was cynical, really, he thought to himself as he spoke. Far too bitter for a boy his age, but that was the way of the streets when you had nobody to put your faith in. There was no safety net out there, nobody to catch you should you fall, only the rough concrete to scrape your palms and knees on, the dirt left by other people's footsteps to breath in.

Surviving meant to tirelessly adapt to the never-ending change of the world around you. There was no room for faith and trust and other ideals that people who were cushioned and comforted by their circumstances tended to cling to. Yet another luxury Ruka had never been able to afford.

Looking back up at Flash's face as he talked, Ruka found it twisted in confusion, a clear sign that the Slytherin was looking at things from a vastly different perspective, another crater between them that was difficult to bridge. "Point is, there's always been something or someone else more important than me," he elaborated in an attempt to make Flash see where he was coming from with his story. "That's just the way it goes. I should have been prepared for it, I should have known but I got too comfortable. I can't..." He stopped himself for a moment to take a deep breath. "I can't trust people to stay because... Because there's always something better and more important for them to turn to instead." He could feel the colour draining from his face as he said the words, the thought filling him with a sense of dread and nausea.

What kind of thing was that to admit to Flash, this deep-seated insecurity? Not good enough, not needed, useless, replaceable, disposable. Trash, really. Filth on the side of the street. Underneath this layer of self-awareness and critical thinking, he was but an insecure mess, unable to be part of the world.

Moving on, Ruka managed to put a small smile on his face as he listened to Flash's answer to the question of whether he trusted Jack. It wasn't very satisfactory, sounded more like an attempt at comfort, almost defensive in a way, as if he was trying to reassure Ruka rather than voicing his own feelings. To be expected, but still vaguely disappointing.

"A good person," Ruka repeated, a genuine laugh bubbling from his lungs, eyes sparking with a glint of amusement. "He wouldn't like to hear you saying that about him." He shook his head, expression darkening a little again as he leaned back slightly without losing his balance. "What's a good person anyway? At the end of the day we're all just people making choices we're not qualified to make and hoping for the best."

He had never been one to divide people into good and bad, black and white, friendly and mean. If you didn't mean any harm, did it hurt any less? Wasn't it the way to Hell that was paved with good intentions? Good and bad, eternally interwoven, a single threat stretching itself through the essence of the world, melting together, merging, to make up a soul to never be defined as one or the other. He didn't trust Jack to be a good person any more than he trusted himself to be one.

They were just people. Stupid, reckless, selfish children trying to figure out the ways of the world, tripping, falling, getting back up again. Fighters, survivors, cowards, millions of shades of grey forever trying to paint a rainbow.

Ruka shook his head off the thought to instead focus back on Flash. His eyes darted to the little origami frog made to jump away from the pressure of the Slytherin's finger, flipping through the air before landing back on the table. The action made Ruka chuckle fondly, features softening as he looked back up at Flash, for the first time seeing nothing but a lost, confused child.

Lonely and scared.

That seemed to be the thread binding them all together, the one thing they all had in common, no matter their backgrounds and upbringing. Ruka could work with that.

"It doesn't need to make sense," he pointed out as Flash fumbled with his words as if embarrassed to have said anything potentially nonsensically, like he thought all of his words needed to be pointed and with specific purpose. "In fact, emotions don't usually, do they? Trust in itself is a contradiction if you ask me. You need to place trust in things that are uncertain, but how can you trust anything that's predestined to disappoint you at some point? Trust is made to be broken, but why do we trust at all if we know that? It's either optimistic or stupid. Both, probably. Blind faith in things that will guide us to our own doom sooner or later." He sighed, shaking his head to himself. "I'm being cynical," he admitted quietly, a sad smile stretching to reach his eyes as he locked his gaze with Flash's. "I do admire people who can believe in something or someone that strongly, I just don't understand how they do it."

He watched the frog hop into the air a few more times, a fond smile tugging at the corners of his lips. There was something calming about it, so much so that Ruka almost felt disappointed when Flash placed his newest creation with the rest of their origami zoo.

With Ruka's pendant lying between them and a new question hovering in the air, however, there was no time to dwell on that anyway. The conversation moved on, there was no real calm in the waves of it.

For a second Ruka almost thought Flash wasn't going to answer, was going to go back on their deal and avoid telling him anything at all, but then he spoke. Words, that was all there was to his response. Detached from any real emotion, as if he was somehow scared - embarrassed? - to be showing it. Almost like reading out of a particularly boring text book, Flash started listing off his family's achievements, an explanation of how his parents had come to meet, how their love for each other and their business had accumulated the wealth they found themselves in.

His love for his father was proclaimed with fumbled words, an underlying insecurity.

What does someone like him have to say to a child like me...

A lot, Ruka wanted to say but didn't. Flash wasn't supposed to be anything but a child at this point, that didn't make him unworthy of his father's attention, didn't mean he shouldn't get to indulge in conversation with him. Ruka's own dad had made countless mistakes, but there was nothing they weren't able to talk about; Even the silliest, most childish of thoughts Ruka had never been afraid to share with his father, had never had to fear judgment, never had to work particularly hard for his attention.

Busy sounded like nothing but an excuse, and a bad one at that. Work and wealth, surely, couldn't be more important than family, could it? Then again, Ruka had never put much weight on the term family, not after what he had gone through, so who was he to judge Flash's father's priorities?

Before Ruka could really comment, Flash had moved on from the topic to instead talk about his mother and his sister, how they had both raised him, how he had two older brothers as well as a younger one, names listed off like an attendance list at the beginning of class; Marius, Darius, Valerius, Fabius. Ruka soaked them up like a sponge, storing them away with genuine interest. It was a big family, even if the eldest siblings didn't seem to be around as much. They all were quite close, according to Flash, had taught him a lot about the world, except his annoying little brother.

The words made him think of Jack, how he had claimed for them to practically be brothers. Ruka didn't think he'd ever been particularly annoyed by Jack; Frustrated maybe, aggravated even, but not annoyed. Most of the time he actually found himself impressed by his intellect and way with words, endeared by his mannerisms and proud of his achievements. Worried for his well-being.

Maybe annoyance was going to come over the summer.

"Does he like you?" Ruka asked, finding himself intrigued by the finer nuances of a brotherly relationship. Was Flash's dislike one-sided or was this a genuine rivalry? Did Flash's older siblings think of him as an annoying little brother the same way he did of Fabius?

It wasn't an important question, certainly not the most pressing one, so Ruka didn't expect a very detailed answer, but he waited for a moment anyway to give Flash as much room for a response as he wanted before moving on to the conclusion of his story; Praise for his family, admiration, maybe, followed by the beginnings of a quickly abandoned admission.

"You're just... What?" Ruka implored, eyebrows raised slightly as if challenging Flash to say something deprecative. "Clever? Dedicated? Ambitious, sensitive, hard-working?" He stopped himself, biting his lip as he studies Flash's expression for a moment. "Sad? You seem sad when you talk about them. Why is that?" Maybe it was a big assumption but Ruka couldn't help it, not with the way Flash seemed to be avoiding talking about anything truly going on inside him rather than just listing off facts about his family.

He hummed thoughtfully when Flash requested confirmation that that had been his only question, and shook his head plainly. "Not by far," he said honestly as he let the facts he had just received wander through his head, repeating the names in his mind as if to make sure not to forget them that way.

Marius, Darius, Valerius, Fabius and... Flash?

It was so out of place, didn't seem to make sense, like a piece that didn't fit into the puzzle it had come with. It had taken far too long for it to click, really, but the realisation finally dawned on Ruka as he let it all fall into place. Ruka was Tân and Flash was Flash because...

"Flash isn't your real name, is it?" he asked, vague surprise visible on his face. Of course, it made so much sense, how hadn't he realised it before? Hadn't he found himself thinking that Flash's name sounded as fake as his personality before? Why hadn't he questioned it?

Was that the reason Jack didn't seem to have issues not using Flash's last name when he talked to him? Because 'Flash' was nothing but a nickname anyway?

"Why Flash?" If you were going to choose a new name for yourself, a new identity, what had moved the Slytherin to take on that one? Surely he had had his reasons, and Ruka was curious to know them even more than he was interested in what his actual name might be. "Why go by a different name at all? What's so bad about yours?"

Ruka made a point-- that people who let him shoulder the blame might learn nothing at all from their actions. It was almost fair, if the world were as ideal as that. Most people didn’t learn from their mistakes when they took the blame. Most people just became more bitter and withdrew. Actually learning and growing was difficult, and more often than not it didn’t happen unless it was gifted to the person like it was something good. That was part of Flash’s purpose, making the harder things seem more easy. Tricking people into making better choices instead of what humans normally did… which was just making rash decisions and running away from their problems.

He didn’t expect Ruka to understand. He was different from those people. He might not even have enough experience with others to really understand just how different he was. Most people are too stupid to do it themselves. My way is… easier.

Still, why did he equate it to breaking him? Didn’t he not care whether Flash broke or not, and since when did he think Flash was smart? Ruka had said he didn’t hate Flash, but he certainly didn’t act like he respected him either. When he talked to Ruka, he felt like a piece of garbage. Gross, wrong, infinitesimal. Why was he suddenly hearing words like ‘brilliant’, saying that his breaking would be a ‘waste’? Maybe he was… making fun of him. Flash didn’t want to defend himself, lest Ruka just tell him he was wrong. He was learning more and more to keep things to himself around Ruka, despite what he apparently had been trying to do. He was getting too many mixed messages, he didn’t know how they were supposed to exist in the same person, or what conclusion to draw from them.

Then, once Ruka had elaborated on his feelings, about something better always being around, Flash felt lost again. He at least understood the feeling of wanting to be important to other people, one could argue that was the exact reason why Flash did anything at all, but he didn’t understand feeling entitled to it. The words mixed around with the others into a melting pot of confusion. Even when Ruka was opening up and being honest about everything, Flash was still having trouble understanding anything. It started giving him a headache.

Flash never expected to be special to anyone, but that was just him. He spent endless effort to be what people wanted him to be, but even then, the point was to encourage the other person along. Have them be indebted to him, or trust him. Those were more reliable than… actually caring about him. Even after Burnett had said as much, he doubted even he could find it in himself to prioritize Flash over Ruka, or Selim, or anyone else.

Or anyone, ever. Flash was resigned to a life of being unimportant. It didn’t make him sad, though. It was easier. Easier than the feeling Ruka had, where he had to be disappointed over and over again when people proved to be people. Perhaps Ruka was actually an idealist too.

Flash found it ironic when Ruka asked what a good person was. If people were all ‘making choices we're not qualified to make and hoping for the best’, then why was he so unforgiving? If he knew that much, why did he exile himself from society, instead of floating peacefully on top of the turbulent waves? Was it that he felt some sense of moral superiority for not accepting reality as it was? Or, well, perhaps he actually hadn’t thought it through all the way yet. There were certainly lots of things Flash was discovering as he learned and grew.

”I didn’t ask you to accept my definition. I don’t begrudge people for making mistakes. I think hoping for the best is a good thing. Better than wallowing in despair.” Flash’s eyes were cast aside as he talked. He didn’t want to accidentally raise Ruka’s ire when he was being generous with his time.

Then, Ruka went on a tirade about the unpredictability of trust, ending it by admitting how cynical he was being. The truth was, he had brought the mood very low. Flash would normally have controlled the conversation himself, made sure both of them stayed on topic and kept things both relevant and hopeful. Ruka didn’t like that though, for whatever reason. He had been keeping his hands off the reins out of respect for his preferences. Ironic, again, perhaps. It wasn’t the first time the dissonance had reared its head. Ruka didn’t want Flash to be accommodating, but in doing so, Flash only accommodated him by keeping his thoughts to himself. Ruka didn’t want Flash to be himself, either by acting like he normally would, nor by dropping the act completely.

Ruka just didn’t want Flash. Why was he even there? Even though Burnett didn’t tell him to sort things out this time, wasn’t that the only reason he was trying to? It wasn’t like Ruka craved harmony, that much was certain. He had no idea what Ruka wanted.

After Flash’s ‘descriptive’ answer, he learned to his dismay that Ruka had been listening. He wanted to know if Fabius liked him. Well, how could he know. He never assumed that sort of thing.

”He’s six-years-old, so I don’t think he cares about anything but himself.” That wasn’t only Flash’s self hatred talking, it was a scientific fact of nature. Small children were mostly unaware of their surroundings.

Then, Ruka snapped onto the sentence Flash had left unfinished, filling in the blank with… wh-what, compliments? Were they? Was he trying to get under Flash’s skin by attributing good things when Flash clearly meant to diminish himself? Make some kind of point, or what? What was Ruka’s continued problem with him? Why was he sticking around and listening to him talk about his life, out of necessity? Then, Ruka pointed out the expression clearly on Flash’s face, since he hadn’t been doing any attempt at hiding it.

”Sad… I suppose I am.” Flash looked at Ruka forlornly. ”Stop making fun of me. I know I’m none of those things. Not to any degree of noteworthiness. I’m nothing compared to them.”

Flash’s head dipped again, staring at the papers in front of him, taking one between his fingers and starting to slowly rip it in two.

”I’m nothing compared to anyone. I’m nothing at all.”

Then, Ruka asked one of his most reviled questions of all. His name, of course. He knew that picking such a name would make him stand out, make it obvious that it wasn’t real, but he liked it better when people just accepted it. What did it matter why anyway?

”It’s not. Maybe I wanted to be someone different. Someone amazing.” Flash knew none of this was going to sit well with Ruka. What choice did he have, he had asked for the truth. The truth was Flash was someone who didn’t sit well with Ruka. ”I wanted to see if I could pull it off, the way Val did. V-Valerius did."

Flash found himself surrounded by the darkness of despair. What was the point of anything? Of trying to be better, of making connections, or trying to mend broken relationships? Wait… why… had he become so dreary? Why was he feeling sorry for himself, wanting to disappear? Well, it wasn’t a new feeling around Ruka, in fact, even though the conversation had been engaging moments ago, suddenly it felt like all the other conversations they had. The very, very bad ones. What was causing it? Was it talking about himself? Was that the only thing, or… was it the way Ruka talked? Was the difference between them truly inconsolable? Was there nothing about their dynamic that would actually change anything? Flash was becoming exhausted.

”You know… when I asked you questions it was because I actually cared about the answers.” Flash’s eyes never diverted from the ripping sheet. ”It feels terrible… when you pretend to care about my life.”

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

It seemed like most of Ruka‘s words passed Flash by without too much of an effect. There was no verbal response and his expression was mostly unreadable, at least to the Gryffindor who seemed to be thoroughly unable to say what Flash considered to be the right thing. The more the conversation dragged on the more Ruka could see another severe difference between Jack and Flash; Where his redheaded counterpart rarely ever took a break from exercising his vocal cords, Flash rarely ever seemed to actually talk. It was infuriating to a whole new degree, needing to drag every syllable out of him with herculean effort. Why wouldn‘t he just respond? What made him so reluctant to engage in verbal battles with Ruka? What was he so scared of?

It was a question to be asked at a later point, maybe, should the conversation take that turn.

Only when Ruka talked about the semantics of good and bad did Flash voice his thoughts again, telling him about how making mistakes was not a bad thing, hoping for the best was better than despair. It made Ruka frown for a moment, brows knitted together in thought. "Hoping for the best leads to disappointment, if you ask me," he pointed out, shrugging his shoulders lightly. "But I suppose you're right; It may beat constant despair. Life's not supposed to just flatline, is it?" He could see how one may argue that there were ups and downs to be had on a day to day basis, how there was no genuine happiness without genuine sadness, how expectation and disappointment went hand in hand the same way indifference could be met with delighted surprise. People, he figured, needed to let themselves hope and be disappointed because at least it reassured them that they were still alive, still fighting.

Flash didn't seem to have much more to say to that, however, leaving Ruka with a want for something better to talk about but coming up blank. He'd officially managed to drag the mood down enough for the atmosphere to become slightly tense again, filling him with a sense of frustration for himself. Why couldn't he just make fun of his teachers and talk about the weather like everyone else seemed comfortable doing?

At least the conversation steered to Flash's family from there, giving Ruka a chance to just stay quiet and listen, hopefully make the other boy feel a bit better by giving him free reign of the conversation, but that didn't seem to be working very well either.

The one question Ruka asked as a response to Flash's story was met with a sentence that held about as much real information as the rest of what he'd been saying, sounding matter-of-fact but without any actual essence. "He must have some opinion of you," he pointed out with genuine curiosity stretched across his face. "I mean... Does he want to spend time with you? Ask you to play with him? Listen when you talk?" Even someone as young as Fabius apparently was had to display some sort of preference when it came to who to spend their time with, didn't they? Surely the younger kid didn't just lock himself away in his room to play with imaginary friends all day long, did he?

Once Ruka had finished Flash's sentence for him with what he had hoped to be taken as genuine compliments, the other boy was reaching for some paper and the Gryffindor watched, curious to see which animal he was attempting to make next, but instead of starting to fold, he simply tore the sheet apart. Ridiculously, Ruka found himself thinking about what a waste that seemed to be; People had cut down trees for that and now it was useless.

He didn't mention that.

"Flash," he started quietly, a hint of pain lacing his voice. The other boy's destructive behaviour seemed to be displaying some inner turmoil, maybe acting as a let-out to avoid tearing himself apart instead, but what did Ruka really know? He always seemed to go one step too far, make one assumption too much. "If I wanted to make fun of you, don't you think I'd have better ways of doing so than complimenting you?" His voice was steady but quiet as he spoke, not betraying any prominent emotion as he just kept observing Flash tearing the paper apart.

It was sad, was what it was. Things started to click more and more, despite the other boy saying as little as humanly possible. What he was saying, however, made Ruka's chest contract painfully, eyes darkening with a shadow of sympathy. Not good enough. It seemed Flash knew that feeling all too well, seemed like he felt inadequate within his own family, despite how great they all seemed to be.

"Just because they're all great and clever doesn't make you any less so, does it?" he pointed out with a little hum, placing his elbows on the table to rest his chin in the palms of his hands, observing the other boy curiously as he kept talking, insisting that he didn't compare to anybody at all, that he was nothing. It was ridiculous, considering the way Ruka had thought him to be such a threat ever since the race at least.

For a moment he said nothing at all in response, then, averting his gaze as if embarrassed, he took a deep breath. "I worry that you're better than me," he admitted, chest tightening as he voiced the fear that had been eating away at him ever since watching Jack laugh at Flash's antics back at the race. "In every aspect. Smarter, more likeable, better at conversation, more fun to be around. How can you say you're nothing when you terrify me to the bone? You really think I'd worry this much about... about..." About what, really? What exactly was it that Ruka felt so painfully threatened by when he looked at Flash?

"I don't care much for people, alright?" he said, shaking his head at himself. "I can't hold a conversation to save my life, I don't usually want to either. I told you, people bore me. You don't. You infuriate me, scare me sometimes even, but you definitely don't bore me. Do you really think I'd bother with you at all if you were nothing? When I could be doing absolutely anything else instead?"

A little voice inside Ruka told him that this wasn't going to ease Flash's insecurities at all, that he would probably nitpick at the negatives of what he had been saying instead of anything else, but he didn't think he had a better try than that in him. He'd never really known how to talk to Flash, even before the race, before he had unknowingly tickled at Ruka's own countless insecurities.

Listening as Flash confirmed that he was using a fake name, Ruka slumped in his seat, eyes still fixed on the other boy's seat as he felt a weight settling in his chest. Not pity, just... Sad. He had never been particularly empathetic but he could feel Flash's emotions coursing through his like liquid gasoline.

"Your older brother," Ruka said as if asking for confirmation that he had remembered right. Val. Valerius. Clarification for Ruka's part or had Flash been chastising himself for shortening his brother's name so casually? Either way, there was more to that. "What did he pull off then? What did he accomplish that makes you feel like you can't measure up?"

Was he trying to be someone else as well? Was Flash just trying to assimilate his older brother to feel relevant within his family? To himself? The more Ruka heard, the more he felt like he didn't really understand anything about Flash at all. The person in front of him was not at all the person he had met all those months ago during his attempt at getting into the Slytherin Commons.

"What is your name, then?" he asked curiously, leaning forward a little, as if preparing to be whispered a secret to. "Yours?" It wasn't like Ruka was going to use it if Flash preferred being called by his personal superhero name, but it felt like a piece of the puzzle that made up the other boy, part of the whole picture Ruka had such trouble identifying.

The other boy's next words hit him like a punch to the gut, made him just gape at Flash for a second before shaking his head in disbelief. "Why would I do that?" he asked, voice more gentle than he thought he could make it to be. "Why would I sit here, pretending to care, listening and asking questions? What do I get out of that? Do you think I came here because I got bored, or something?" Letting out a little chuckle at that thought, Ruka shuffled around in his seat, trying to find a more comfortable position. Under the table he managed to set aside his panic over physical touch long enough to teasingly nudge Flash's leg with is own foot, a barely there kick, delivered without any heat. "I'm trying to learn more about you, because I want to, because our paths keep crossing and we keep stepping on each other's toes and it shouldn't continue like that. I'm tired of that. I don't..." He took a deep breath and shrugged his shoulders, reaching out to place a trembling hand on top of one of Flash's, the contact burning through him almost painfully. He could feel his breathing rattling in his chest, but he couldn't keep watching the other boy ripping up the paper with such quiet desperation, needed to put an end to it.

"I'm not pretending," he said quietly, a small smile he hoped to be reassuring creeping onto his face, expression softening as he looked at Flash. His hand was still trembling but he didn't pull it away. This was more important. "At least for right now, can you believe that? That all I'm trying to do is learn and understand and make up for what I've put you through because I do care? If you want to, once I leave, you can go back to thinking I was just pretending, but at least for now, let's talk with the assumption that we do care for one another, alright?"

Ruka was unsatisfied with Flash’s answer about Fabius. It wasn’t entirely surprising, since he had been so generous with detail and yet Flash’s answer was lacking any personal touch whatsoever. It was the subject matter, though, and perhaps Flash himself, which made the answers so unrewarding. He tried to dig deeper, ask more specific questions, but the pit in Flash’s stomach only sank further.

”Why don’t you ask him. I don’t know.” Flash’s expression spoke of something like hurt, even though nothing had wounded him. He did realize after the words left his mouth that it was a bit too rude of an answer. Even if he was being ‘himself’, he didn’t want to let himself be mean just because he was talking about something he didn’t want to talk about. ”I… I try to avoid him. I spend most of my time outside, away from the house. Alone. I suppose he barely knows who I am.”

Fabius may have been a visiting guest for the amount of time and care he gave to his little brother. All he ever did was annoy him, so he never stuck around. The nanny took care of him anyway so it wasn’t like he needed Flash around either. He wasn’t necessarily being a bad brother by not being around, it wasn’t like his presence would have made his life any better. Probably worse, in fact.

”It’s a big house. Lots of land. It’s not hard to disappear.”

Afterwards, Ruka replied to Flash’s assertion by saying he would have better ways to insult him than complimenting him. Flash couldn’t think of anything worse. At least insulting him directly, or picking apart his flaws were honesty. Compliments were a reminder of things Flash didn’t want to think about. Things he kept reaching for but were always beyond his grasp. He wanted to crush them and throw them in the trash. Take each one and describe how wrong he was to call him those words. Better than that, make him admit that he was lying, or say that it was proof that he didn’t know anything about him if he believed such garbage. He didn’t say anything though. He didn’t want the situation to dissolve completely, he had to let a few things go or the line of communication that Ruka was trying to hold up would be severed.

Ruka continued by trying to placate him about his family. It was a standard line that most people used. Burnett had said something similar too. It meant nothing. Flash wasn’t brain dead, he knew that comparing oneself to others wasn’t very productive. Marius had told him so herself. If he was meant to not compare, it wouldn’t make any difference. He would still be in the same position, he would still have the same relationships. At least comparison gave him drive. They had all made it after all, so there was still a chance he could too. What Ruka couldn’t see was just how clever they were, though how could he. Was Flash supposed to just say ‘you don’t understand’ over and over again? Living in that house, there was no one else. His family was his whole world.

But, being given nothing in response, Ruka began to talk more. He said he worried Flash was better than him at everything. He listed a few concerns specifically, saying it terrified him. Infuriate, scare. Another one of those defenses that he used, that he wouldn’t be hanging around Flash if he had something better to do. Wasn’t that just an admission that Ruka had nothing better to do, and not really flattering at all? It gave Flash at least a bit more perspective. He continued tearing the paper remarkably slowly, barely cognisant of the act as it was happening, even though he was staring right at it.

Flash didn’t like being threatening, it always ended badly. He didn’t like cornered people, or scared people. It made more sense why their conversations had always gone so badly. Ruka had some sort of inferiority complex, and Flash triggered that in him. By being friendly and eloquent, it seemed. It wasn’t as if that was something Flash could just turn off. Ruka wouldn’t be the first to take offense to Flash’s politeness, it was also something Valerius had imparted to him about the nature of excellence. There was a balance that he had to strike to appear relatable and humble, or people would only just start to resent him. Flash could argue that he had constantly humbled himself before Ruka, but it seemed to have had no effect.

He was only trying to combat Flash’s outburst anyway. Flash was wrong to say something like ‘I am nothing’ out loud. Anyone would jump to defend the falseness of the claim. It was a cheap cry for pity, even if it was true. Patheticness was something he showed Ruka far too often. He needed to keep things like that in his head, where people couldn’t sling weak arguments about his own worth at him. Or like Ruka, debase themselves in order to lift him up.

”You have nothing to fear. I’m an idiot like everyone else.” He wasn’t sure why that, of all the thoughts that crossed his mind, was the one he chose to voice. ”You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t find your words very comforting. I hope I at least amuse you.”

Everything he ended up saying was dripping with self-loathing. He should have kept it contained, or at least wrapped it in a prettier package, but it oozed out of him like sweat from his pores. Was this what Ruka wanted, to see the part of him that he kept hidden from other people? Was this ‘not boring’? Flash at least no longer felt the stinging trill of anxiety in saying such things out loud. It wasn’t as though he still feared Ruka would go around telling people how ridiculous he was. Ruka didn’t talk to other people, not really. As for Burnett, he already knew.

Then, another question. Clarification. He wanted to know about Val, and what Flash idolized about him. Finally, a question that was easy to answer.

”Valerius was always impressive, the things he can do with his words are… well, I don’t even know if I could impart the gravity of it by trying to explain. It always felt like he knew absolutely everything, like he had the whole world figured out, and everyone in it.” Speaking of Val, Flash’s face clearly brightened. He even looked up briefly, with a smile. ”He figured out exactly what he wanted to do, and did it. He got a job right out of school, pushed past the obstacles in front of him like they were nothing. He works as a politician towards social reform, actively trying to make the world a better place. I adore him.”

Oh, well that last part wasn’t strictly asked for. He couldn’t exactly take it back, so he let it hang in the air. Everyone adored Val, so it was hardly embarrassing. It was better than ‘worship’. ”Everyone adores him.” He thought he had better add that relevant information.

Then, his name. Flash wanted to get angry, though he knew better than to let it get to him. Many more people besides Ruka had asked him the same questions. Why did everyone want so badly to know, when clearly Flash didn’t want it to be said? When the answer wouldn’t really be giving them anything at all, besides Flash’s discomfort. They all had to know Flash real name, didn’t they? Did it make them feel like they had power over him? Now that they knew his real name, they could use it against him? It wasn’t like it mattered, Ruka would probably find out eventually anyway, so refusing at that point didn’t mean anything. He was supposed to be sharing, Ruka was leaned forward as if he expected the information to be exciting, to change anything. All that changed was Flash’s face adopting a fierce unhappiness.

”Demetrius.” He said it coldly, but clearly.

Flash's last admission, asking Ruka to stop pretending to care, seemed to change something. Perhaps it had been different all along and Flash hadn’t noticed. It was like he couldn’t believe that Flash would think that. Did he still not realize just how much Flash didn’t understand him? He seemed almost baffled, asking him why he thought he was sitting there asking questions. Boredom is a good one. Because Burnett wants you to. Pity. Guilt. There were a lot of reasons besides ‘care’, ones that made more sense.

Flash was thrown when Ruka gave his tangled legs a nudge. He was brought back, from wherever he had been, looking up. He was trying to get his attention. Did he… actually want to know? When he scanned Ruka’s face he saw earnestness. How could he…

Before Flash could scrutinize his intention any further, Ruka answered himself, saying he was tired of stepping on each others’ toes. That’s what I was trying to say before... Flash could almost feel bitter, having his own olive branch refused only for it to be picked up and shoved in his face when it was more convenient for him. Now he wanted harmony?

No, Flash really couldn’t throw stones. He had his own glass house he was trying to protect.

His resentment vanished anyway, with the introduction of Ruka’s hand on his. It was an awkward moment, Ruka hardly seeming to want to do it. Was he forcing himself? Why? He said that he cared, a smile on his face like he was trying to reassure him, to convince him. Flash couldn’t refuse when asked so nicely.

Still, Flash’s hand recoiled, dropping the shredded paper. He had to stop himself from grabbing Ruka’s hands in response. He wanted to jump over the table and grab all of Ruka and smother him in an embrace. He knew he couldn’t though, and tucked his hands between his knees like he was holding them prisoner. Maybe he would try to make another origami figure… looking around, he felt a bit disoriented.

”O-okay…” It wasn’t exactly easy to do, everything in him was telling him to fight it, but it wasn’t much to ask. He could believe it, at least for the content of the conversation. Even if it seemed unlikely. ”What do you want to know then?”

Picking up another piece of paper, he looked at it carefully as though there was anything at all to see on it. If he looked at Ruka he would probably make all kinds of weird faces.

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

The topic Ruka had chosen to dig deeper into didn't seem to be the right one, judging by Flash's expression, but then again it felt like there was no real aspect of his family life that the Slytherin would have enjoyed being questioned about, so maybe it was just as well.

Still, Ruka's own expression became apologetic at Flash's initial response, hanging his head for a moment like a scolded child prepared to accept whichever punishment was coming for them. Before he could utter an apology or change the subject, however, the other boy elaborated on his answer, explaining how he usually avoided his little brother, how easy it was to disappear in a house as big as the one they lived in. It made Ruka frown in something like confusion, eyes wide as they locked with Flash's again in a million unasked questions.

"That sounds..." He hummed thoughtfully, head tilting from side to side as he thought about it. "Lonely," he settled on after a moment, voice going quiet as he imagined what it would be like, to live with a family who seemed to spend that little time together. If Flash spent most of his time alone and avoided his brother, if his dad was working hard and rarely talked to him, if all his older siblings were mostly out of the house... Who did the Slytherin have to talk to when he needed or wanted to? It seemed like he had a good relationship with his mother at least, but she had to have her hands full with her business and her children as well.

Leaning back a little, Ruka folded his hands in his lap, staring at one of the origami instructions for a long while before talking again. "I'm not sure I understand," he eventually admitted, shaking his head to himself before locking eyes with Flash again. "If I had a family, I don't think I'd ever leave their side. I suppose that would make me the annoying one." He chuckled, a more genuinely lighthearted sound this time, but his face contorted with slight anxiety. If he had a family. He hadn't exactly wanted to express how incapable he was of looking at Jack and his parents as his family, how thoroughly terrified he was at the thought of having to try to incorporate himself into strangers' lives in hopes of being good enough to be allowed to stick around them.

As little as he usually allowed himself to think about it, having a family was something he had always envied people for, even when his dad had still been alive; A family who protected each other, cared for each other, loved each other unconditionally. "Why would you... want to disappear instead?" His voice wasn't judgmental when he asked, more curious, traces of sadness in the depths of it. "Even if he's annoying... Don't you think you could be to him what your older siblings are to you?" It had definitely sounded like Flash was quite fond of his other brothers and sister, that they had taught him much he was grateful for. "Maybe at some point you were to them what... Fabius?... is to you right now. You could be... a good influence, I guess?"

Maybe he was overstepping, meddling in something he wasn't supposed to stick his nose into, so he quickly averted his gaze. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. The way Flash had initially reacted to his question made him nervous to think that maybe he was guiding the conversation down the same path again that it usually went, and that was not something he wanted at all. "I don't mean to criticise, I just don't know... well, anything, it seems. About families. I just wonder." Perhaps that was another of their downfalls; Maybe the way Ruka questioned things sounded so much like judgment and criticism to Flash that he didn't even feel like arguing his opinions to him.

Maybe he just needed to find a way to let the Slytherin know that he was merely curious and happy to engage in discussion in a better way.

Letting Ruka talk, the Slytherin didn't seem particularly receptive to any of the Gryffindor's words, no matter how genuine. It was quite possible that Flash didn't particularly care for his opinion after all, or maybe he was just so used to it being a negative one that he didn't know what to do with the notion that there were good things about him as well.

Well, if being threatening and terrifying could be counted as a good thing. In Ruka's mind it was supposed to be a compliment; He rarely felt threatened by others, didn't usually think highly enough of anybody to assume they were in any sense better than he was himself, so the fact that Flash managed to terrify him so much without, it seemed, even trying, was surely something to be proud of.

Or not, apparently, because the other boy immediately declared himself an idiot of the non-threatening kind. It made Ruka swallow heavily and drop his gaze to his hands folded in his lap for a second. "I don't think that," he mumbled, unsure if Flash would even hear. "Sometimes I feel like you want to be an idiot like everyone else." He shook his head lightly before he looked up again with a small smile on his face. "I shouldn't assume that," he scolded himself quickly. More and more he felt like he needed to learn how to watch his words, install some kind of filter to avoid the kind of communication breakdown that usually happened between them. Maybe he and Flash would get along much better if he only knew how to communicate.

His social skills were truly sub-par.

"Is that what you think is amusing to me?" he asked carefully as he reached out to take his cat origami into his left hand to smooth out a slightly wonky edge with his thumb. "When someone is sad or hurt?" More than once he had already assumed that Flash saw him as some sort of monster, someone who took pleasure out of other people's discomfort, someone who talked to people merely to push them down and step on them as he left. It wasn't really an image he liked to think about.

"You not being happy doesn't amuse me," he clarified, nibbling lightly on his bottom lip as he tried to think of a way to communicate to Flash what was going through him without sounding fake somehow. "You putting yourself down like that doesn't amuse me either. I didn't expect my words to make much difference in how you view yourself, but... I guess I just want you to know that that's not how I view you, even if you don't want to believe that."

It was his own fault, most likely. He had never really shown Flash any appreciation for any of his traits, had constantly criticised the behaviours that had sprung out at him as fake and wrong and manipulative rather than regarding him for his intelligence, his sensitivity, his way with people and his caring nature. That deep seated self-loathing Flash was portraying had most likely only been fuelled by Ruka's cruel opinions of how he dealt with things.

Once the topic moved on to Valerius, Flash seemed to brighten up immediately, like everything else about their conversation was forgotten because he finally got to talk about this one person. Ridiculously it reminded him of himself each time the conversation revolved around Jack. There was clear adoration there even before Flash himself said as much. To Ruka Valerius just sounded like another actor, a politician, paid liars his dad used to call them, but Flash was clearly convinced that his brother was trying to make the world a better place. Despite his nature, Ruka decided not to argue on that, there was no point in trying to destroy the image Flash had of Valerius who was apparently adored by everyone.

Not that Ruka cared about everyone; In this moment he cared about Flash and his thoughts and opinions.

"Would you like to be like him?" he asked gently, tilting his head to the side in question. Adored by everyone. Making the world a better place. Having the world and the people in it figured out. It sounded like that was exactly what Flash was trying to strive for with his behaviour.

The little smile on the Slytherin's face as he looked up was met with one of Ruka's own, small but genuine. It was nice to see such genuine affection on Flash's face as he talked about his brother, especially as opposed to the way he had talked about Fabius.

The smile on both their faces faded quickly once the topic turned to Flash's name, his given name, the one he was hiding behind his personal superhero persona. There was clear discomfort and unhappiness there that Ruka didn't mean to elicit, but it was too late now, the question had been asked and Flash answered despite how little he seemed to want to utter the word.

"Demetrius," Ruka repeated softly, gently, trying to put a warmth into the name that had been missing completely when Flash had said it himself. It didn't seem like such a bad name, definitely fit more into the line of names his siblings wore, so what brought on that cold detachment? "Why can't he be amazing?" he asked, referring to when Flash had claimed to want to be someone different and amazing. Did changing a name really change a person themselves? Was Flash any different from Demetrius? If so, in which ways? Maybe that was a bit too intrusive a question to ask right away, so instead Ruka busied himself with reaching for his necklace and putting it back on again. It gave him some comfort.

Finding out Flash's given name may not have changed much of anything, but it was still a piece of the puzzle Ruka was trying to figure out, a part of the person in front of him, no matter how much he wanted it not to be.

"So where does Flash come from then?" he asked without lingering on the topic of Demetrius for too long. He didn't want to cause the other boy any unnecessary discomfort; Not more than he already had anyway.

Expecting Flash to comment on how Ruka had claimed to be tired of stepping on each other's toes, he found himself slightly disappointed when he got nothing in response. He was fully aware that he had been offering the same explanation for reaching out that Flash had on the day he'd asked him to join the race, and that had been his intention. Maybe the Slytherin didn't comment on it because he thought Ruka was trying to mock him, but all he had wanted to do was to show that, finally, he had come to the same conclusion, that he understood now what Flash had meant, even if it had taken him a little longer.

He decided to let it go anyway, focused instead on keeping the tremble of his hand under control as he had placed it on Flash's in an attempt to keep him from ripping the paper he was holding even more. It had been too painful to watch, Ruka hadn't been able to stand it any longer.

When Flash's hands pulled away, dropping the paper, Ruka felt simultaneously disappointed and relieved. While he was glad that the other boy had ceased his act of quiet desperation, a part of him had hoped for him to not withdraw from the touch this quickly, not when Ruka had tried so hard to put his aversion behind him to give the other boy some comfort. He watched as Flash moved his hands under the table as if to make sure he would keep them to himself, a sad smile spreading on Ruka's own face as he awkwardly dropped his own hand to lie between them. He just hoped that it hadn't been a reaction of discomfort.

There was a beat of silence before Flash voiced his Okay to Ruka's request for them to assume that they cared for each other at least for the duration of the conversation, and it made the Gryffindor light up significantly, a smile spreading on his face, green irises darkening with new found hope and enthusiasm. Being able to base their talk on the same foundation was hopefully going to avoid unnecessary and severe misunderstandings, so even if neither of them truly believed that they cared for one another, if they were at least able to pretend for the time being...

"Great, okay, yeah," Ruka said, stumbling over his own words as he tried to get the conversation back on track in his head at least. Flash was asking him what he wanted to know as if that was a question he could answer so simply. There were countless questions he wanted to ask and he had no idea which ones were appropriate, which ones were too intimate, or which ones he wanted to know the answers to most.

"I, uh, I'm... I'm sorry, heh," he said as he lifted his hand to sheepishly rub at the back of his neck. "There's just... a lot I want to know." The admission felt embarrassing and he could feel his cheeks heating up as his eyes tried to focus on a spot to the right of Flash's head as if scared to lock eyes with the Slytherin again should he look up from the new paper he had taken for himself.

Wanting to give Flash a bit of a break from having to talk about his home life, Ruka decided to try and gently approach something he had asked the other boy before but hadn't really received an answer. Emotions had run too high, circumstances hadn't been great. Maybe this time he could try and understand Flash's mind a bit better, be a bit gentler in the way he posed his questions. "I guess I keep wondering..." he started, turning the hand still lying between them on the table palm up as if expecting Flash to give him something. He didn't, wasn't sure what the gesture was really supposed to signify, but for the moment it felt comfortable to offer the palm of his hand to the other boy like this. The anticipation of touch didn't terrify him quite as much anymore now that he had already crossed a hurdle.

"I keep wondering why... Uhm..." It felt so difficult to try and form his sentences in a way that wasn't just brutally throwing out his thoughts, that was gentle and conversational and without any judgment, but he was determined to keep the conversation without any hostility or aggravation. "You said... At the race, you said you never meant to hurt me but I... I don't understand why... Why you would want me around if not to hurt me. Heaven knows I'd deserve it." He balled the hand on the table into a fist for a second before letting it go slack again, little crescent marks reddened where his nails had dug in. If looked at closer it would be obvious that the indents weren't only from this one instance, but a leftover from countless times of aggressively digging his nails into the palms of his hands out of frustration and desperation. "Like I said before, I've never... I've never been particularly nice to you. I'm sorry about that." The apology was not part of what he had said before, he was aware of that, but he thought it was necessary. As much as Ruka believed he had reason to distrust Flash, he shouldn't have taken it as a free pass to dig away at the other boy's psyche the way he had.

"You'd have so much reason to just... Avoid me. It's a big castle, you'd never have to talk to me if you didn't want to but... But you still do and I don't understand..." His voice grew quiet, insecure. The last time he had asked the question Flash had simply shut off, turned into something that terrified him even more than the ability to charm people the way the Slytherin was able to, and it left Ruka with a fear of what answer he would receive to daring to ask the question again. He just wanted to understand why Flash kept coming back, why he let himself be treated the way Ruka constantly insisted on doing. "I think if I were in your shoes I would hate me," he admitted shakily as he cast the other boy a small smile. "But you're so resilient, I don't know where you get the strength. Most of all I don't understand why you would use that strength on me." Thinking of his words, Ruka's eyes widened in something like shocked realisation.

"Not to say that it's wasted or useless," he corrected himself quickly, waving the hand not lying on the table through the air as if to chase away the possibility of that thought. "Just that... I'm not sure I'm worth the effort." He sighed to himself as he shook his head and lightly shrugged his shoulders. "And at this point I'm concerned you'll just be disappointed at what you'll find if I do let you in." An admission he should have probably made back when Flash had asked him to come to the race already, but there was nothing Ruka could change anymore about the way he had talked back then, the way he had chosen to express himself.

Laying all of his insecurities bare for Flash to see now was hopefully better late than never. Maybe it would give the other boy some better insight into why he said some of the things he said and maybe Flash would see it as a sign of the beginnings of the trust Ruka had such a difficult time extending to anybody.

That was why he had come, wasn't it? Because he had told himself he needed more people to trust, more good experiences, more pleasant surprises. Maybe, this time, they would be able to pleasantly surprise each other.

Flash almost wanted to laugh when Ruka called his situation ‘lonely’. Not because it was off base, but the cold irony of it. A house full of people who love each other, good relationships all around, and Flash was running away from it, complaining about it. He didn’t want to react too strongly to anything Ruka said, as from the corner of his sight he could see he was already having a bit of a hard time. Just like at home, it was Flash that was the problem, wasn’t it?

There was a short silence, Flash not wanting to affirm the obvious truth, and Ruka looking at a piece of paper, perhaps not sure what to say. When he did speak again, he looked back up at Flash, drawing his eyes back up to his again. If he had a family… he would never leave their side. Right. Stuck in his gaze, Flash winced. He could do little else, it hurt. A small ‘joke’, a chuckle. Flash looked back at the paper in his hands, the microscopic fibers barely visible from the split sides.

There was more to his questioning though, asking why, and how Flash could be a role model to him, how Flash used to be like him. Flash’s grip on the folded paper tightened. He wanted to rip it into tiny pieces, crumple it, something. Instead, he had to answer, in detail.

”I’m not… patient enough. I just don’t want to be around him. He’s always yelling and being a nuisance.” Flash’s voice was low and quiet. Bitter. ”And I already know that… I annoyed my brothers when I was young. I’m just not as patient as they were. I can’t stand it.”

He didn’t want to say things like that about Fabius… or himself. He knew it was wrong to feel that way, and that he should feel bad about having those feelings. He didn’t want to be responsible for Fabius too. He never asked to have another brother. Why did his parents keep having children anyway? Was he just supposed to raise Fabius the way Marius raised him? Should he expect them to keep having more and more children up until the day they died?

Without knowing it, the feeling had been planted inside him-- he felt bitter about Fabius being born. They had all placated him with stories of their own experiences having new babies in the house, but it had only made him feel worse. He was six when Fabius was born, the same age he was now. At that time, Flash was still throwing tantrums himself, causing trouble for everyone with no regard for his surroundings. Once the baby was born, his punishment started to change. He had to grow up, stop being a child.

Ruka suddenly apologized, saying he was only wondering about families. Lost in his thoughts again, he had neglected to share any of them with Ruka, keeping him in the dark. It wasn’t like there was any reason to hide it from him, he professed to care.

”I don’t mind. Not really. Every family is different, so you can’t expect to understand no matter where you came from. Spend a long time with anybody and your feelings start to bleed together and become more complex.” Flash had abandoned the fear that was holding him back, expressing his thoughts without any filter. ”Family is just people you spend a lot of time with. You become so familiar that they feel like they’re a part of who you are. That’s why Willow is my family too.”

Even only mentioning Willow’s name brought a smile to his face.

”I have complicated feelings about Fabius… but it’s not his fault. I’m just being… petty. I should just get over it and be a proper brother…” Flash said what he ‘should’ do with perhaps the most unconvincing face imaginable-- completely defeated-looking, heaving a sigh. He really didn’t want to.

After Flash’s next self-effacing comment, Ruka protested, at least to say that he didn’t agree. Flash could kick himself for how often he let himself slip into comments like that. A waste of time. Despite it being true that he was a pathetic sad sack, he still didn’t want anyone’s pity. He knew his problems were small, that his emotions were too frail. He had plenty of other Holmswoods to compare himself to. He had seen the suffering in the world, he knew the vastness of the universe. He was nothing… but still, he didn’t want pity.

”No… you’re right. Sometimes… I wonder when it’s supposed to pay off. When all of this is supposed to be worth it.” His eyes were distant, the paper in his hand getting as destroyed as possible. If he ripped it up into small enough pieces, perhaps it couldn't even be called paper any more. ”Being born.”

Ruka defended himself against Flash’s assertion that he was being made fun of. It wasn’t the first time Ruka had to tell him he wasn’t attacking him, Flash’s own truth was blinding him to Ruka’s lack of venom. It was, of course, put there by himself. An instinct to protect himself from being disappointed-- to just assume the worst and work up from there. He felt bad that because of that, he had made Ruka have to spell it out for him. Well, when he thought about it, he had to spell it out for Ruka too. Somehow they had both terrified each other.

”Alright.” Was all Flash said in reply.

After he went on about Val, Ruka waited until after he’d said his piece to add a question. Whether Flash wanted to be like him. Well… Who wouldn’t... But that was just a matter of perspective again. He couldn’t pretend to understand Val completely with how little time he actually got to spend with him. He knew that it wasn’t always easy for him either, that it was harder than he had made it seem. Still, it was hard to look at what he had and not see the appeal.

”Like him? I’m not sure what part about him you mean.” The question was too broad, he didn’t know what kind of answer he was looking for, what was the point of that question? ”I agree with his virtues and support his goals. Someone… If you mean to ask me if I want to be adored by everyone, then… yes.”

There was no point in hiding behind the glossy sheen that his image evoked, Ruka already knew he was petty and desperate for affection. He had been at the receiving end of both of those parts of him already, so it was hardly new information.

”Within reason.” Flash added, smiling derisively. Sadly.

After giving Ruka the name his mother gave him, he repeated it himself. The sound felt like pins running down his arms and up to the back of his skull. It was like a trail of buckshot had been lit on fire and burst his head into flames. It felt wrong.

At least after the initial explosion, the feeling was mostly gone, leaving only the memory. That was, until Ruka followed it up. ’Why can’t he be amazing’, a sentence that grabbed Flash’s attention. Him? Demetrius? That is… him, there, sitting on the other side of the table from Ruka, looking at him. That one… I’m Demetrius… and Flash… they aren’t different people.

He would be lying if he said it didn’t give him a moment of internal crisis. He had become so used to being called and known completely by Flash for the entire school year. Even people that knew his real name didn’t call him it, nor did they ask about Demetrius. It felt so wrong he didn’t even know what to do with the feeling but squirm in his seat uncomfortably, wringing his hands together. He didn’t know how to answer, so he simply said what was in his gut.

”I don’t know what you mean. Should I want a name I didn’t choose, am I dishonoring my family?” It was a bit of a deflection, but he didn’t know how to answer anyway. The question made no sense. ”I like ‘Flash’ better.”

Ruka had returned his necklace to its place around his neck, asking about ‘Flash’ this time instead. Where it came from. This was really one he didn’t want to have to explain. It was one thing to show his baggage, another to show his actual passions. Those were things that could be mocked, things that might change how he was seen. Well, even if he tried to barter his freedom from having to answer, it would only be a matter of time once again. Burnett had shocked him upon their first meeting by revealing knowledge of the old comic book character. An outdated reference that Flash didn’t assume he would have to be explaining to more than one person. How did he continually end up in these situations where he was coerced into sharing things about himself? Surely none of the things he was saying were worth the trouble they were going through to get it.

”Flash Gordon, he was the protagonist of a comic book I liked.” Once again, he shared the barest of information. This was the part where he would gauge Ruka’s reaction. It was just one of those things where you could never tell. Some people found it to be the height of comedy, while others seemed to think nothing of it at all. Regardless, it wasn’t a topic that needed any more detail than that. That pretty much explained it completely.

After the hand touching incident, Ruka floundered in his attempts to draw another question to the forefront. Flash watched him cautiously, befuddled and perhaps a bit frightened. Ruka blushed, rubbing his neck, avoiding eye contact. Flash was focused on the paper, folding it in half as though he had any plans at all for it. He could clearly see Ruka placing his hand back on the table, as if waiting for something. He stumbled over his words, trying to say something. Another awkward moment. He ended up just folding the paper in half again.

It wasn’t too bad. Ruka was trying. Flash would normally cover for awkward situations by changing the narrative, but he was in no position to pick apart the conversation they were currently stewing in. Instead he just waited quietly for Ruka to figure out what he wanted to say, occasionally glancing at his hand, wondering what the right thing to give him was.

He started talking about the relay, about how Flash wasn’t trying to hurt him, even though he may have ‘deserved it’. Balling his fist quickly before letting go, it seemed he had hurt himself in the process. That was the cue that Flash needed to drop the paper and place his hand on the newly opened palm, wanting to soothe the pain the fingernail had left behind. His fingers pressed gentle pressure where the marks had been left, Flash huffing indignantly with the action. Ruka knew he didn’t like his self harming behavior. He had said as much, right before they…

Then, it was Flash’s turn to blush madly. The reason he didn’t hate Ruka, the reason he didn’t avoid him. Right… he never really said... 'I like you.' There were… better ways to put it. Ways that wouldn’t get… misunderstood.

”Well… for one, you know now that I don’t really blame you either… for how you treated me.” Flash’s hand stopped messaging the abrasion, and stayed laying draped across Ruka’s. ”But I had trouble staying away from you. I’m too interested in your mind.”

The wording was a bit robotic, but it seemed the most concise way to say it. It likely needed a bit more explanation than that though.

”The worth of that to me… I don’t know if I can explain it. I…” Flash was having his own trouble communicating. ”How am I supposed to explain being interested in someone?”

Flash would try to rightly hold Ruka’s hand, more firmly, though he would recoil again if Ruka's reaction seemed off.

”I want to know what you think about everything.” Flash’s eyes were set on their hands, rather than his face. ”I’m sorry, I can’t think of how else to put it.”

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

Ruka could see the way Flash's grip on the paper tightened but he said nothing, remained still as he listened to the other boy talking about his own impatience, about how he couldn't stand his little brother being as annoying as he was. There was a bitterness to his words that surprised Ruka but made him feel strangely at ease as well; It made it much easier to see Flash as a whole person, someone who didn't limitlessly indulge everyone he met, who had a deeper personality than this endless well of politeness, friendliness, who was struggling with a storm beneath that calm exterior.

It wasn't like he wanted Flash to struggle with his feelings, but it surely made him seem much more human, much more relatable, much more like someone Ruka would be interested in spending time with.

"You've always seemed endlessly patient to me," he pointed out quietly, averting his eyes for a moment as he reached to the side to lift his goblet to his lips for a sip of pumpkin juice. He didn't think he'd ever met anybody who had as much patience to display as Flash, who tirelessly repaired his masks no matter how often they broke, who kept coming back to fight a battle Ruka had sabotaged from the start, who seemed not to hold grudges even when he should be.

How was it possible that his patience ended with his brother of all people?

For the moment he said nothing, just stared at a plate of bacon to his left as he waited for Flash to continue talking. The Slytherin was quick to disregard Ruka's apology, proclaiming not to mind before elaborating on his own view of what family was. Instead of clearing up Ruka's confusion he found himself even more unsure of how families worked than before, but at least there had been a small smile on Flash's face as he talked, mentioning Willow's name so easily, connecting her to the term family with so much conviction that Ruka almost felt reason to be envious.

"You like her a lot," he pointed out. It wasn't a question; There had been a few occasions in which Ruka had been witness to the deep bond running between Flash and Willow. After all, he had been one of there first to try and sever it with his ruthless words of warning for which he had paid with a punch to the face. "What is it that makes her so special to you?" His voice was laced with genuine curiosity for what traits Flash considered so valuable that he would throw himself into danger for them as stupidly as he had done at the ball.

From where Ruka stood, it seemed to him that the Slytherin would throw himself into danger for pretty much anybody as he didn't appear to value his own life enough to preserve it over others', but there was something about Willow that Flash seemed to abandon all rational thought for. Best friends, Willow had called them, and Ruka distinctly remembered telling Jack that he didn't know much about friends, but how he didn't exactly feel like he wanted any of them if Willow and Flash were the leading example. It seemed far too self-sacrificing.

Then again...

Shaking his head to himself, Ruka let Flash's words run through his mind again, humming thoughtfully as he considered which question to ask next. It felt like everything the other boy said just made Ruka want to find out even more.

"It doesn't sound like you spend all that much time with your family, but you still call them that," he pointed out to Flash's explanation that family was just people you spent a lot of time with. Did that mean Ruka's own mum was not to be considered family? "What exactly is the difference then between family and friends if neither of them is strictly used for blood relation or the like? If we can just choose whom to give which title?" His voice was soft and confused, forehead creased in a frown. He wanted Flash's words to be some kind of comfort to him, a kind of motivation to make his own family rather than resigning to the fact that he didn't have one, but it only served to make him feel more terrified.

So family still meant nothing then. Anybody could gain the title and anybody could lose it again, it was just as unstable as the rest of the world.

Deciding not to voice those thoughts lest he bring the mood down even further than he had already managed to do so far, Ruka just leaned forward a little, steadying his elbows on the edge of the table as he looked at Flash with ever growing curiosity.

The last thing the Slytherin had to say about his little brother made Ruka wince a little in sympathy. Despite his words it didn't seem like Flash really had any longing to get over it and be a proper brother.

"I guess it's not your job to live by example for him," Ruka pointed out, shaking his head with a little smile. Maybe it was a bit much of him to expect Flash to teach his brother about life when he was only just trying to figure it out himself. "You just... You seem like a leader to me." The shepherd, not the wolf, as he had thought before already. "I just thought... Having an impact on his life might be something you wanted. If it isn't then I don't think you're under any obligation to get over it." After all, if family was only such a loose title anyway, then what did it even mean to be a proper brother?

"Is there a right way to be a brother anyway?" he questioned, thoughts drifting to Jack again, his proclamation for them to be practically brothers. Ruka didn't have any clue what it meant to be a proper brother, or any brother at all. "I don't think I'll be able to learn how to be one myself," he admitted sadly, rubbing a hand across his face as he tried to swallow down the dread inside him. "If patience is a requirement for being a good brother I assume I'll be absolutely rotten at it." A small laugh escaped his suffocating lungs, not more than a strangled sound, a vague attempt at making light of his own emotions.

If Flash, who had so many siblings and years of practice, wasn't really able to be a proper brother, then how was Ruka supposed to be?

Well, maybe they could at least be terrible at being brothers together. There was something vaguely comforting about that thought.

Keeping his eyes focused on the table for a moment, Ruka only looked up when Flash spoke again, his words so painfully reminiscent of something the Gryffindor had said to Jack in empty desperation, all those months back on the Astronomy tower, sitting on the ground and longingly staring up at the stars like he could be one of them if he just wished for it hard enough.

Do you ever feel like it‘s just not worth it?

"I know what you mean," he dared to say with a little nod. It was something he'd felt the beginnings of back at Alan and Willow's birthday party, when they had both stumbled away from the crowd, lonely, confused and in search of something to cling to. How ironic that they had ended up trying to cling to each other just to drift apart even further than they had been before. Maybe it wasn't too late to gap that rift between them again after all.

There wasn't really much more to say to that. He remembered Jack's face and voice so clearly as he had pleaded with him not to talk like that, had tried to instil some will to live within him by talking about how his dad would surely want him to stay a part of the world, how there were people, whether he had met them yet or not, that wanted him there. They had been lovely sentiments, but not enough to still the constant struggle inside him, that fear that, at the end of everything his own life had been for nothing after all.

How was anybody supposed to quiet the voice that kept telling you that none of your efforts made any difference?

Instead of dwelling on it, Ruka offered Flash a small smile, not of sympathy or pity but of understanding, trying to convey a sense of companionship. Maybe neither of their struggles was going to be worth it in the end, but at least they weren't struggling alone. Maybe that could be a comfort to both of them.

Ruka's question about Valerius and whether Flash wanted to be like him seemed to have been too vague, encompassing too many possibilities of what he may have meant, because Flash's answer was unsure, just as vague, but honest enough for Ruka to appreciate him trying. He did want to be adored by everyone, but it wasn't like that hadn't been obvious anyway.

"I suppose I should have been more specific," Ruka pointed out with a little hum as he nodded appreciatively at Flash's answer. "I wanted to ask a few questions at once. Let me think." Taking a deep breath, the Gryffindor took a moment to try and untangle all the questions he had squeezed into just a few words beforehand , attempting to make sense of all the things he was wondering.

"Is it... Is it because of him that you want to be adored by everyone? It sounds like you look up to him, so..." He let out a sheepish chuckle, shrugging his shoulders lightly to show that he wasn't trying to judge it if the reason Flash was trying so hard to be well liked was because he saw how much people liked his brother. "And... being a politician, making the world a better place... is that what you might want to do eventually?" A big question to be asked at their age maybe, but with how much adoration there had been displayed in Flash's face, Ruka thought it would make sense for the Slytherin to try and follow his aspiration.

"Will you get to spend some time with him over the summer?" he added to his line of questioning. Since it sounded like the eldest Holmwood children weren't around a lot, Ruka wondered if Flash was going to be able to at least get to see the brother he clearly adored so much during the holidays.

The small smile on Flash's face made Ruka's shoulders slump a little, his own lips tugging into a sad smile to match the other boy's, a wave of sympathy cursing through him.

"What's so great about being adored by everyone?" he wondered idly, shaking his head to himself. "It sounds exhausting. Impossible even. People are too different, value too many different things for any one person to ever meet everyone's standards." A quick reflection of his words made Ruka aware of how he may have just indirectly told Flash that his efforts were fruitless, how he would never accomplish what he had set out to do, and he quickly bit the tip of his tongue in self-punishment. "Isn't it enough to only have the loyalty and adoration of the people who truly care for you like you care for them?"

It was probably the one thing Ruka had the biggest problem with when it came to Flash; The fact that he seemed to want everyone's approval so much, appeared to care for people whether they deserved and reciprocated it or not. It was self destructive, stupid even, possibly even a little insulting to the people who did deserve his care and affection over others. Did it not lessen the worth of Flash's affections if he was so willing to give them to everyone who asked nicely enough?

"What I'm trying to say," he started, tilting his head to the side as he tried to find the best way to voice his concerns in a way that wouldn't end up sounding like an attack on Flash's personality again. "is... That most people who's adoration and approval you're looking for won't care half as much about yours and... And isn't it unfair to you to make yourself work so hard to get them to like you when they wouldn't be willing to put in the same effort for you?"

An equal give and take, wasn't that what any worthwhile relationship was supposed to be? Wasn't Flash tearing himself off every fibre of his being when other people would be hard-pressed to hand him a filthy rag?

A worried expression crossed Ruka's face for a moment but he wasn't sure if Flash was even looking at him or if he would be able to connect it to the fact that Ruka was worried for him rather than anything else.

Ruka's lack of social skills made itself be known once more when he asked about Flash's name, singling Demetrius out as a separate being and seemingly implying that the Slytherin may be dishonouring his family by choosing not to accept the name as his own.

"I didn't..." he mumbled, shaking his head at the insinuation, a small sigh escaping his lips as he made some unintelligible sounds while trying to figure out what he wanted to communicate to the other boy. "You said you wanted to be someone different. Someone amazing," he explained slowly as he nervously started to pick at a scab between his knuckles. The last thing he had wanted to do was to insult Flash's intentions. Not on this. "It sounded like you weren't just changing your name, it sounded... It sounded like you wanted to change... Everything. I'm wondering why you felt like you needed to change your name in order to be that person. If it's just a matter of preference though, then maybe I just didn't understand right." He offered the other boy a shy, apologetic smile, lifting both hands for a moment to show that he had meant no harm.

"I only meant to say that," he said, a look in his eyes that he hoped would come across as appreciative and encouraging as he meant for it to be. "I think you could be amazing regardless of what name you go by. If you... If you prefer Flash then that's what I'll call you but... But if Demetrius is a part of you you're trying to hide then I just want you to know that I'm just as interested in him. In you." Maybe it was Ruka's attempt at returning Flash's own sentiment of trying to learn to love his scars; It seemed to him like Flash was more than just a nickname, had sounded like it was a person reinvented to hide who he was before, and if that was the case then Ruka wanted him to know that he didn't need to banish that person completely, didn't need to be completely reborn in order to be special and amazing. For all the mistakes they had made between them, all the holes they had torn into the fragile cloth of their relationship, Ruka was willing to learn about every part of the boy in front of him, even the ones that made him fidget uncomfortably in his seat.

Flash's explanation as to where his name came from was met by a wondrous gaze and a curious head tilt. Ruka had absolutely no idea who Flash Gordon was, had never touched a comic book in his life. He had seen some, in shop windows or the hands of children at the bus stop on their way to school, but the life he had lived had never allowed for indulging in more than a few stories from his dad's old books before going to sleep.

"Liked?" was the first thing he asked, brows raised in question. "Does that mean you don't enjoy it anymore?" Probably not, after all, Flash wouldn't still go by that name if his appreciation for the comic had come to an end, would he? Still, his wording made Ruka wonder so he wanted to make sure.

"I've never read a comic," he admitted, cheeks flushing lightly. "What's that one about then? Who's Flash Gordon, what does he do?" Realising that the pace of his words sped up in curious excitement, Ruka stopped himself before he could ask even more questions. It wasn't necessarily even the thought of learning more about comic books that filled him with enthusiasm but the feeling that, for the first time, their conversation had actually led to something that gave Ruka insight into what Flash enjoyed and was interested in, aside from other people.

Back at the ball, Flash had said he liked stories, so...

"Do you like to read then?" he asked, thoughts drifting back to the present he had brought Alan for his and Willow's birthday party, a stack of books for someone who was seemingly scared of the library. It was probably safe to assume that Flash liked reading, was fond of stories of all sorts, but that didn't mean Ruka wasn't interested in actually hearing him talk about it.

With his own hand lying on the table palm up the way it had been, the touch that followed clenching it into a fist shouldn't have been unexpected, but the first brush of skin on skin still made Ruka's breath hitch in his throat, eyes squeezing shut as if expecting to be struck. It took a second before he realised that Flash was simply massaging the crescent marks on his palm as if to soothe them away, as if a gentle touch could make the pain go away.

Almost instinctively, Ruka's fingers curled inwards to keep Flash's hand in place, stop him from pulling away if the Gryffindor's initial reaction had made him want to do so.

He hadn't known exactly what he wanted to be given when he had extended his hand to Flash that way, but now that he could feel fingertips gently rubbing at the self-inflicted wounds on his palm, he thought he realised the need for comfort he constantly tried to swallow down, that longing for warmth and safety that terrified him so much at the same time. He could still remember begging Flash not to touch him while simultaneously trying to push closer to him, the way his lungs had felt like they could never get enough oxygen, the painful sting in his chest, the desperation flooding his mind until it seemed to break into a million little pieces.

It wasn't quite like that in this moment; He had been able to see the touch coming and it wasn't restrictive the way the hug had felt back at the race. He would have been able to pull back his hand and leave immediately had he wanted to, but instead he moved his fingers until they loosely intertwined with Flash's, squeezing them together as if to make sure the touch was real and wouldn't just vanish if he looked away for too long.

"My mind," he repeated quietly, focusing his eyes on their hands lying on the table between them like a symbol for a newly formed connection. "It's messy. Even I want to stay out of it most of the time." He smiled weakly before looking back into Flash's face, a tired expression crossing his face. He didn't quite understand why the other boy would be interested in his mind and his thoughts when they were nothing but messy and painful, but maybe that was exactly what Flash liked. Maybe he enjoyed a puzzle as much as Ruka did.

Feeling Flash's own grip on his hand tightening a little, Ruka felt a wave of encouragement washing over him and he took a deep breath before squeezing the other boy's hand in return and letting go again. Straightening his back, Ruka took a moment to shake the ever-present crawling of his skin before he slid off his seat and ducked under the table only to emerge again next to Flash rather than opposite him, making himself a seat to the Slytherin's left and lightly nudging his shoulder against the other boy's arm.

Their height difference didn't allow for him to actually bump Flash's shoulder so the attempt may have been awkward but their entire encounter was laced with awkwardness so what was one more act of it?

"You're interested in me," he repeated with a playful tease in his voice, a small smirk on his face as he leaned against Flash's side for a moment as if to try out how much physical contact he was comfortable with for the time being. "That's a good enough answer, I guess." A small, childlike giggle escaped him as he bumped his elbow against Flash's ribs. Since his shirt was short sleeved it was easy to see the goosebumps across his arms, brought on by the touch he had been avoiding completely for near to two weeks, but at least it didn't make his breath speed up uncontrollably. Progress.

The blush that had risen up in Flash's cheeks hadn't gone unnoticed by Ruka, and the Gryffindor could feel his own face heating up to match the other boy's shade as they sat next to each other. "I'm interested in your mind too," he said softly, repeating Flash's words back to him even if he himself would have never quite worded it like that. Maybe this way at least he wasn't going to be misunderstood. Ruka was sick of misunderstandings between them, there were too many, so many that it was difficult to tell by now what had been one and what hadn't.

Cautiously, Ruka reached over to take the hand that had previously been laying in his palm into his own again, resting them back on the table unless Flash would recoil from the touch. His gaze would be focused on their hands, expression only slightly anxious should the other boy try to gauche it. "And I want to, uh..." He chuckled a bit helplessly as if struggling to find the right words. "I want to try to be better at this. Talking. With you, that is. You'd said that... You think we could learn from each other, right?" At least if he recalled the day Flash had asked him to the race correctly. It had been one of the reasons the Slytherin had named for wanting them to participate in the race together, but back then Ruka hadn't seen much point in sticking around to learn something from Flash, hadn't thought there was much to be learned from himself either, so he had rejected the notion before giving it much thought.

"Maybe this is something... Something I can learn to be better at. I definitely want to try at least."

Flash let Ruka’s comment about patience go without comment. He seemed to think that he was such an imposition, rather than someone Flash was specifically seeking out and interacting with. He personally would never compare an annoying, thoughtless child to someone with a brain as fascinating as Ruka’s. Then again, it was doubtful Ruka would have any reason to find his own mind all that interesting. When Flash thought about it, it could hardly imagine the kind of person who would look at their own thoughts and consider them brilliant. After all, while living with them, one became comfortable with them. Sort of like how Flash didn’t find wealth to be all that enchanting, even though plenty would kill to be in his position.

Then again, it seemed the less people knew, the more likely they were to find themselves smart or interesting. At least Flash actually worked at it, learning and adapting. It was people who thought they knew everything that were the easiest to fool. Ruka, on the other hand, only ever seemed to get fooled by himself.

The next question that Ruka posed seemed almost out of nowhere. Flash had mentioned Willow in reference to her family-like status with him. He knew Ruka had a fair amount of interaction with her. After all, Willow told him everything. He had told Willow not to trust him, getting a punch in the face for his efforts, then he helped her with a panic attack she had at Opeila’s party while the two of them were not talking. From there, they had tried to make amends and even were going to the Blossom Ball together for some reason. Despite that, Ruka had mostly ignored Willow in favor of getting himself involved in Flash’s own machination for the evening. Willow had not been very happy about it, he received her playful scolding and her sad puppy dog disappointment already.

Flash hadn’t actually given a great deal of thought to why he loved Willow so much, it was just such an inalienable fact. He could feel it so strongly whenever he was with her, like they were supposed to be side by side, that everything was better when they were together. With something as rare and strong as that, he didn’t see the point in questioning it too much or putting it into words. Willow understood, which was all that really mattered. Normally he would brush off the question by saying how diminishing it was to try to put a value on his friendship by giving it attributes, but he was still bound by the agreement he had set up himself to answer fully. Ruka hadn’t shied away from complicated topics involving his feelings.

”She’s nice.” That was the only answer that fit. Flash looked around the room in an attempt to fish out a more detailed answer. ”She makes me laugh, she wants me around… she thinks I’m…”

While he had started almost confident, Flash’s words started to fall apart as he said them. He didn’t like saying things that were unprepared. How unflattering to simply say she was ‘nice’. What had Miss Astrea said… ‘A very wholesome young lady, with an admirable appreciation for the natural world.’ and ‘the nearest to angelic that I've ever encountered.’ To think she had come up with it on the spot… even though she said very little, the ones she spoke were quite effective. He couldn’t plagiarize though, that was hardly being genuine.

”It’s hard to pinpoint why exactly. It’s mostly a gut feeling, to be honest.” Why struggle when the answer was to admit he didn’t know. ”From the very first time I met her, she made me feel lighter, happier. I had never met anyone who I liked spending time with as much as her. She makes it so easy.”

Flash sighed, and shrugged. That was about the best that Ruka was going to get out of him. Perhaps he had hoped for something more telling, or specific, but he just felt good when he was around her. Better than he felt around pretty much everyone else. At peace.

It didn’t help with Ruka’s confusion over Flash’s definition of family, with Willow having been included. He hadn’t meant to imply ‘family’ was some kind of threshold that got passed when a certain amount of hours were spent together. Familiarity with someone didn’t always mean talking or getting to know one another. Living in the mansion for eleven years had bred plenty of familiarity, regardless of how often he might have run off into the forest. Not to mention Willow and Flash’s declaration of familial love for one another had not necessarily been predicated on a large duration of time either-- they had become familiar simply by agreeing to let it happen without stopping it.

”Well… don’t take what I say too literally. I only meant to say time is one way that you can become familiar. Being around them is another. If I’m being literal, blood relation is the only technically correct definition for family, but…” Flash paused briefly to take a deep breath. He so rarely had to explain things that simply just made sense in his head. It was so much easier to just say what people wanted him to say. ”I don’t know… I think it would be a shame to only accept such a strict definition. I think family means whatever you want it to mean, I think it means more if you get to define it yourself. I’m probably not the right person to ask if you really want to know.”

Flash scoffed when Ruka said he seemed like a leader. He would have liked to not scoff, but he wasn’t in the right mindset to control his face and reactions so carefully. He only realized then how much easier it had become with practice. When Ruka had told him to drop the pretense back in April, it had been a struggle-- painful, even. Now, in no little part due to the many, MANY layers Ruka had chipped away at, he was behaving much like he would if he were alone. He still didn’t know if there was any use to it. Did he feel more relaxed? No, he felt like the conversation fell apart easily without his careful guidance. Did he feel like he was gaining anything by it? It was hard to tell. He wanted Ruka’s attention and insight, but his own position in their relationship was one he didn’t particularly enjoy. Whether it would be worth it was likely going to be questionable for years to come.

Ruka’s insinuation that Flash might want to be a good influence, or lead his brother to greatness only made him feel worse. He punctuated it by asking what a proper brother was anyway. That one was easy to answer, since it was stuck in the front of his mind like being reprimanded by an angry teacher.

”You could say there’s no wrong way to be a brother… though I think the failure is less on my patience and…” Flash didn’t want to continue, but he had already committed to the sentence. Stopping short would only have Ruka asking him to continue. Burnett was the same way. ”... and more because… I don’t like him. At all.”

He didn’t actually know he felt so strongly about it. It was unsettling. How would he like to hear that Darius and Valerius didn’t like him? He already felt paranoid enough without asking.

”Unless you think you're going to suddenly not like Burnett, I think you’ll be fine.” The comparison seemed useless to Flash. It was like with Willow, choosing your family guaranteed that you liked them. It was a much nicer process than just being born.

On the topic of Valerius, Ruka began to explain the thought process of his original question, at least to the best of his ability. In fact, this was getting to be far too many questions in general. It wasn’t like there was an easy way to track it, but Flash was starting to feel like he was being interrogated. What kinds of questions were these anyway, what was the point to knowing the answer? They weren’t honed enough of subjects of importance to really give an accurate representation of who Flash was. Really, he wasn’t sure whether Ruka actually wanted to know any of these things or was just filling time to compensate for what Flash had asked about him. Well, he had agreed to just assume Ruka cared. He listened to the answers with enthusiasm for the most part, but Flash wasn’t able to see what joy he was finding there.

”A lot of people enjoy attention regardless of who their brothers are.” It was a bit of a biting response, Flash didn’t like this line of questioning. He was giving Ruka the benefit of the doubt as far as his interest went, but he was barking up the wrong trees. ”As far as ‘what I want to do’, I have no idea. Being a politician doesn’t seem particularly enticing. If I had to put up with what Val puts up with…”

Flash stopped abruptly. It seemed in letting go of pretenses, he kept messing up and calling Val by his nickname. Really only people very close to him said it, it seemed unfair to normalize it around someone who didn’t even know him.

”What… Valerius… puts up with…” It was stilted, obvious. ”I would go insane.”

At least the last question about Val was a more positive one, though once again Flash had no clue what Ruka planned to do with the information he learned. Nothing, likely.

”Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing him again. He’s the highlight of every trip. Before you ask ‘why’, it’s just because I enjoy his company. Lots of people do, he’s someone who is a joy to be around. He makes the world a better place just by existing.”

Perhaps a bit hyperbolic, but Flash had a tendency to aggrandize Val whenever asked about him. It was almost as though he couldn’t stop himself.

Ruka mentioned his own inability to understand why Flash behaved the way he did. What was so great about being adored by everyone, when a few strong loyalties were better. Well, he didn’t put it that way. He said ‘care for you like you care for them’. It wasn’t a talking point, just disbelief. Couldn’t Ruka imagine easily enough that other people’s lives were just beyond his understanding from his own experience? How hard did he ever try to understand other people, except to point out what was wrong about them.?

”Just because you can’t see its value doesn’t mean it’s not there. In fact, it almost seems like you refuse to try to see.” The words were a bit cold, but they were delivered with his unaffected monotone. He didn’t really want to fight the issue, the conversation was already draining without having to defend something that was such a big part of who he was. ”It’s not as though I don’t focus on certain people more than others. You could say I’m pretty particular with who I spend most of my time with.”

It might not have seemed that way to Ruka, but who was he to presume so much about Flash’s life anyway? It wasn’t as though he was keeping tabs on him. Most of the things Ruka knew about Flash was either second hand or assumed, where did he get the boldness to talk about it as though it were fact? Especially after Ruka had so drastically misinterpreted his intentions at the relay race, one would think he wouldn’t continue to work off of half-baked observations.

Burnett didn’t understand either. They both acted like Flash was so put-upon. Being walked all over. Felt sorry for him, didn’t know how he could stomach it. He didn’t know how they could be happy having as little power as they did. They came to such conclusions through selfish pathways, but just telling him so wasn’t going to be productive. A topic for another time.

”I don’t know why it bothers you so much, but I’d prefer not to be lectured about it. Thanks.” Flash hoped he could stop that line of thought before it went any further. With any luck, the more Ruka saw of Flash and his influence, the more he would come to understand it implicitly.

Ruka fumbled with trying to explain why he talked about Flash’s name like he had. Flash just let him fumble. He deserved it for dragging his name out of him. Perhaps a bit unfair, since Ruka clearly didn’t know any better, and had no reason to think the name triggered such animosity in Flash, but for the moment he didn’t want to talk any more than he had to. He didn’t want to have to placate Ruka for making him feel bad. He hated every word that he was saying, about Demetrius being someone he was trying to hide, changing his name to be another person. He was apologetic, using kind words, so he knew he wasn’t trying to be malicious. Still, the only response he would get for trying to recover from it would be a grumpy frown and a shrug.

In response to mentioning the comic, Ruka’s reaction seemed more like excitement than derision. It relaxed Flash a bit, though he didn’t really want to talk about what it was about. He might not have realized what it meant to be a serialized comic book, but it meant that there were a LOT of stories, and they covered a massive swath of time, developments, and even writer changes and side books. It wasn’t as straightforward as a novel.

”He’s a space explorer, he’s taken to an alien planet and has to find a way to survive in an unknown world.” It was a basic summation that covered the overall premise. ”There is actually a lot that happens, it was a newspaper comic for over 50 years, I think. There were different adaptations and books… it’s hard to say what exactly it was about. About not giving up, about surviving impossible odds, about the strength of humanity.”

Flash’s eyes studied the ceiling as he tried to think of how to describe the series. It was mostly an action comic, with most of the entertainment coming from all the different cultures on Mongo and how Flash learned how to work alongside them. He dethroned an evil emperor, brought peace to warring kingdoms, saved prisoners… there was a lot. With Flash’s pause, Ruka had asked a clear follow-up. It seemed he had finally found the stride in the conversation and was landing on a topic that most people felt good discussing-- how he liked to spend his freetime.

”Yes, I love reading. I read a lot.” What more could he say. Well… ”I have my own section of the library at home. I dont keep track, but there are hundreds of books. All kinds of books, there’s not really a specific genre that I like most of all. Except well...”

Flash smiled a bit out of embarrassment, a shy smile. ”I don’t really like history books. I find them rather boring…” Flash admitted.

At first, when Flash put his hand in Ruka’s there seemed to be resistance, but before Flash could pull his hand away, Ruka’s fingers clasped together with his to keep them bound. He didn’t resist any further, taking the action at face value. Assume he cared… right? After that, he went even further to intertwine them. Flash was already blushing at that point, so he couldn’t become any more flustered than he already was. Instead, he started to get used to it, like it was normal, almost.

Not much longer after Flash had shared his feelings about Ruka did he suddenly back off and disappear under the table. Flash might have become concerned, even extremely alarmed, if he had much time to consider the action, but Ruka promptly appeared right next to him, suddenly very close. It was with that, that Flash realized he actually could become more flustered. Ruka nudged him as if to impart some sense of jovial playfulness or camaraderie. Was it because of what he said? Was this a good thing? Even though becoming closer to Ruka had long been something Flash wanted to do, his closeness now caused an intense visceral reaction. It was almost like pain, like his body was telling him to flee. It wasn’t as though Flash didn’t want closeness and touch, so what was causing him to react so violently? Though, on the outside he would simply seem to have frozen in place for the moment.

He wanted to relax, wanted the feeling to go away, as Ruka was clearly fighting his own battle of trying to make this less horrible for both of them. It was, but he could always tell his body what to do. Especially not in intense moments like that. Was it intense? Wasn’t Ruka smiling and laughing, like he had always hoped? ‘I’m interested in your mind too’ he had said, taking Flash’s hand again. What exactly… wasn’t this very sudden? Well, perhaps Flash’s words had reached Ruka for the first time. It wasn’t veiled in suspicion and fear, just the honest words of interest in one another. In talking more, in getting to know each other more. Barely able to move, Flash’s frozen state seemed permanent. He was worried that even breathing might be too much. He could do something rash… something wrong.

”I would like that.” Flash’s voice came out with an exhale. He didn’t want to sound as conflicted as he did. It was true what he said, but he doubted Ruka’s actions were any kind of signal for the desire for even more intimacy. At least not the kind Flash was thinking about.

”Are you… really alright with… touching this much?” Flash didn’t know how to ask, besides not remembering to breathe. ”Maybe we’ve made enough progress for one day…”

Flash had learned more about Ruka in that short folding session than he knew about most people. He didn’t usually ask about people’s lives, he tended to care a lot more about what they intended to do going forward. With Ruka it was impossible to go forward without first addressing the past. His questions to Flash though seemed almost scattershot. He wondered if Ruka felt the same intellectual satisfaction that he did, or if he would insist on drilling him further. The hand he was holding gripped, as if to reinforce what his body language was failing to do-- that this was a good thing.

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

There was something about the way Flash talked about Willow that made Ruka smile, the corners of his lips trembling a little as he listened to the messy explanation of what it was that made her so dear and special to the Slytherin. Emotions and feelings often didn't make sense, but Ruka could understand what Flash was saying; It sounded similar to how he felt whenever he was around Jack. Like life was just a little easier as long as this one person was around.

"She thinks you're...?" he asked, a gentle prodding of Flash's unfinished sentence. What was it that Willow thought of him that he felt nobody else would think?

He nodded along with the rest of Flash's words, expression smoothing out into something relaxed. "Like a piece of yourself you hadn't realised was missing until you'd found it?" he wondered. He could relate to that, though he thought his own desperation to cling to that piece and make sure it wasn't going to fit into anybody else's puzzle far outweighed Flash's. The Slytherin seemed perfectly comfortable within his relationship to Willow, didn't display the feeling of threat that was eating Ruka up inside. He wondered how Flash was able to feel this strongly and yet be so casual about the possibility of loss that he wouldn't even bring it up.

Willow made things easy, that was that. There seemed to be no fear, no insecurity, no inadequacy. They were family.

Was it supposed to be that simple?

"Well, she certainly adores you," he pointed out, lifting a hand to rub at his left cheek as if he could still feel the impact of her fist there. "It must be lovely, having someone adore you as much as you adore them." A flicker of melancholy crossed Ruka's eyes but the smile stayed in place as he talked, his voice speaking of genuine fondness for the concept. He had assumed that Willow had just fallen prey to Flash's manipulative ways, but the more he saw of the two of them together, the more he could feel the pure affection they held for one another. "You do deserve that." He did. Everyone did, one way or another. Ruka hoped to someday feel that way himself, but until that time had come he would content himself by watching it happen to other people.

Flash's continued explanation of the term family made Ruka slump a little, forehead creasing in a pensive frown. There was a conflict within him that made it difficult to accept the other boy's view of the word; On one hand he felt wrong to strip it off its given meaning, on the other he liked the thought of defining it himself. Still, didn't defining it yourself make it even more unstable than it already was? Didn't that mean that the person you were giving the title to may have a completely different view on it than you did?

Social concepts were exhausting.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Ruka pressed the heels of his palms against them, taking a deep breath before dropping his hands again and nodding as though he understood. He didn't, really, but he also didn't think he'd get any closer to understanding it than this so maybe it was time to drop the topic and just give himself time to work things out within his head.

Offering Flash a grateful smile, Ruka felt his expression wavering slightly when the other boy scoffed. It was so unashamed and honest that it almost made him want to laugh, but at the same time it almost hurt that Flash could disregard Ruka's view of him as a leader with a sound like that. Still, the Gryffindor was able to appreciate the unabashed reaction to his words, and he rewarded them with a small shrug supposed to dismiss his own statement like it had been a foolish thought to begin with.

His question about whether there was a right way to be a brother was met with a verbal response at least, and Ruka could see the hesitation with which it was spoken like a spiderweb created between them mid air. He didn't like Fabius, that was the simple explanation to why it was so difficult for him to be a good brother. He didn't like him at all.

Still, there was no real explanation for why Flash held such resentment for his little brother while he seemed to adore his older siblings so much. "Just because he's annoying?", he questioned gently before shaking his head as if to relieve Flash of the burden of having to answer. "I mean, I guess you can't like everyone." That was a simple fact, though he couldn't help but feel like there was more to Flash's distaste for his brother than he was revealing. Maybe, however, that was a mystery to be solved at a later time. For now he would just store away the information given to him and content himself with it.

"I'd know all about disliking people," he pointed out anyway with a playful undertone that didn't quite infect his eyes or the rest of his expression. "So I guess if you ever wanted to... talk about that, I'll listen. And I won't judge you for it, I swear. I hear it can be good to talk about stuff." Not that he himself ever made much use of talking about anything to anybody, but he still wanted to keep that door open for Flash.

I am here if you want to talk.

What a cliche sentiment. Flash probably had dozens of people at his beck and call, willing to listen to every syllable he was willing to give them. Why would he want to talk to Ruka instead, the boy who had never hesitated to take him apart at the seams in any conversation they had thus far had? Well, the offer was out there now and he wasn't able to take it back, so he could only hope that Flash would treat it as the fragile gift it was. Ruka didn't just offer his time and patience to anybody.

Flash's suggestion that Ruka should be fine at being a brother unless he suddenly decided to dislike Jack brought a little smile to his face that grew with each passing second he thought about the possibility. There was nothing, he was convinced, that Jack could possibly do that would make Ruka dislike him. They were too connected, intertwined souls, attached at the seams. No matter how hurtful, frustrating or annoying Jack would manage to be, Ruka knew he wouldn't be able to keep himself away from him anyway. Even now, not having talked to him in close to two weeks and feeling as frustrated with him as he did, the thought of getting to talk to Jack again made him smile brighter than anything else.

Adoration was clear to see on his face, in his eyes, but there was no point in hiding it. Why would he? There was no shame in it as far as he was concerned, and it wasn't like he hadn't shown Flash his loyalties from the start.

"I'm probably fine then," he said softly, cheeks tinting a faint red as he averted his eyes for a moment.

Only when the subject turned to Flash's older brother did Ruka's expression smooth out into something more neutral again, blank enough to show that the Slytherin's biting response caused enough pain to make him flinch a little.

"They do," he agreed, swallowing the hurt down before straightening his shoulders a bit. "But I'm not asking about a lot of people. I'm not asking about any other people at all, I'm only asking about you." So what if other people liked attention despite not having brothers? They probably had a myriad of other reasons for why they enjoyed being the centre of attention but Ruka wasn't interested in their reasonings.

Despite feeling slightly apologetic for having made Flash react so coldly to his questions, Ruka didn't actually apologise. "I don't think you like attention because you have a brother," he clarified with a shake of his head. "I was wondering if seeing your brother being adored by everyone made you feel like you wanted that too." A small shrug followed that explanation. "But you don't have to answer that if I'm overstepping. I just don't know how to understand without asking questions, even if they're the wrong ones." Hanging his head in something like shame for a moment, Ruka took a deep breath before looking up to lock eyes with Flash again. "I'm still new to this. Conversation. I don't mean to frustrate you."

That was really all he could offer in his defence, and he hoped that Flash would be able to tell that he was trying so hard because he cared rather than just because he was bored and had nothing else to do.

Letting the conversation move on to what Flash wanted to do, Ruka frowned a little at the way the other boy corrected his shortening of his brother's name in an awkward fashion, It was worlds more intriguing than the actual answer to his question.

"Why do you do that?" he asked, tilting his head to the side in question. "Correcting yourself like that? I'm aware who you're talking about even if you're using a nickname." But maybe that was not the point. Maybe Flash thought it improper somehow to be talking of Valerius to someone else while using an affectionate name for him. Maybe it just felt wrong to him to speak of his brother as just a casual guy when he seemed to be such a well-liked, smart, successful politician.

"I don't know much about politics," Ruka admitted quietly, shrugging his shoulders lightly as if to sheepishly apologise for his ignorance. "My dad didn't like politicians very much so he didn't talk about them often." Maybe that wasn't what Flash wanted to hear, not when he seemed to love his brother so much and Ruka saying this could be seen as an attack on Valerius' profession, but all the Gryffindor was trying to bring across with it was how little he really knew or understood about the topic. "What kind of things does he need to put up with?" If Valerius was adored by everyone and was as in tune with the world and its inhabitants as Flash had made it sound like, then what was it that he had to struggle with in his profession, to a point that Flash proclaimed that it would make him, personally, insane?

Humming thoughtfully at Flash's answer about whether he was going to see Valerius over the summer, Ruka responded with a slight smile and a little sigh. "Would you please stop telling me about what other people enjoy?", he asked, a pleading expression on his face as he shook his head. "It makes it sound like you're trying to justify enjoying things yourself. I'm not interested in what other people like or are or do, I'm interested in you. If you tell me that you are looking forward to spending time with Valerius because you enjoy his company then that's more than good enough. It's all I really care about." Biting his lip, Ruka averted his eyes for a moment. Maybe this was one of those moments where he should have rather said nothing, but he was tired of Flash talking about other people when Ruka's focus was on the Slytherin himself.

If he wanted to know about other people, then that's who he would have been talking to.

Deciding to not press that subject any further lest he say more wrong things, Ruka gnawed on his bottom lip for a little while as he listened to Flash lecturing him on how it seemed like he wasn't really trying to see the value in how the Slytherin was handling people. "You're right," Ruka answered almost immediately, nodding in confirmation. "I have a hard time seeing things from other people's perspective, it's probably why I'm so bad at connecting with them." He was aware of those flaws in his own personality, but he had also never really met anybody he thought interesting enough to try and put himself into their shoes, had never had anybody teaching him how to be more open to other people's way of life.

All he had known, growing up, was to be sure of who he was, to not let it get to him when people treated him like filth on the side of the street, to develop a thick skin to protect himself from others' prejudiced perception of him. Over time he had learned to be so sure of his own truth that anything that differed from it simply seemed wrong.

"But I am trying. If I didn't want to understand I wouldn't be asking about it." There it was again, however. Flash didn't think he was asking questions, he thought Ruka was simply trying to lecture and criticise. It was a tough difference to overcome, a point where they just didn't seem to see eye to eye on, no matter what.

Making assumptions and throwing them at other people was how Ruka learned. He would form an opinion out of observation and then evaluate the argument it was met with; If it was weak or non-existent, Ruka would take it as confirmation of his opinion, but if there was a solid argument he would eventually accept defeat and relent to having been wrong. This approach, however, seemed to be completely wasted on Flash because the Slytherin simply didn't appear willing to argue for himself. Everything Ruka threw at him he usually accepted, surrendering to the accusations like it didn't really matter anyway.

It was frustrating on a whole new level; If you couldn't even stand for yourself, what kind of things were you prone to fall for?

"I don't want to lecture," he mumbled, green eyes searching blue almost desperately as he tried to convey his intentions. "I worry."

Hadn't that much been obvious? Was it not clear to see that Ruka was trying to address these things out of concern? With how unhappy Flash appeared to be, how broken he had seemed back at Alan and Willow's birthday party, could Ruka really be blamed for trying to pinpoint what exactly could be changed to make things better and easier to deal with?

"Nevermind," he said, a sadness lacing itself through his voice that was almost overwhelming. "You don't want to hear about my concern. I don't blame you for thinking it's not genuine." After all, he had clearly done a very bad job at making Flash feel like he was interested in him at all, much less concerned or worried for him. It didn't need to be discussed any further if the Slytherin didn't want it to, so Ruka decided not to add anything else. He would just have to prove his concern over time.

In response to Ruka's words about Flash's name, there was nothing but a sound of displeasure, a shrug that communicated next to nothing. Maybe he deserved that for prying in something the other boy clearly didn't want to go into, but it still left him feeling heavy and defeated. So much for trying to make Flash accepted in his entirety; This had clearly not been the right approach.

Dropping the subject, Ruka felt himself relax a little again once the topic turned to the comic Flash's new name had come from, a smile making itself shown on his face as he listened to the short summary of the story. Fifty years sounded like a long time for a story to be told across, and Ruka could barely imagine the amount of content there had to be, so he couldn't really fault Flash for struggling with explaining what the comic was about. If Ruka had known exactly how much there was to just this one character and his story, he would have never asked such a broad question about it.

Still, he smiled and nodded in gratitude for Flash's efforts before letting the conversation fan out into the broader topic of reading in general, a small laugh bubbling from his lungs when the other boy mentioned having his own section of the library at home, hundreds of books of various topics. "Sorry," he said, lifting a hand to hide his amusement behind. "Just... You have a library at home. I can't even imagine that." With another sheepish laugh, Ruka dropped his hand again, straightening his back a bit as his expression returned to one of genuine interest again. "I would like to see that," he admitted. Of course, the library in Hogwarts was impressive, but it mostly consisted of text books, books to help with research for topics covered in their various classes. The random novels Ruka had found were usually still at least somewhat related to their curriculum. He wondered if Flash's library housed books that just told stories, told of far away adventures and different worlds to explore. "I love books too."

Well, maybe that wasn't something he could say to the same extend as someone who had his own section of a library at their home since Ruka had never actually owned his own book aside from the text books he needed at Hogwarts, but he had always adored the stories his dad used to read him from his books and was always happy to explore the Hogwarts library for something interesting. He did love them, loved the written word, the way they could teach so much, convey so much information, provided an escape from the rest of the world the second their pages were exposed.

"Do you have a favourite?" he wondered. Maybe with the amount of books Flash had at his disposal it was difficult to choose one that he was particularly fond of, but Ruka himself had his favourite story, so maybe Flash did too.

The notion that History books were boring made Ruka laugh lightly before he nodded along with the statement. He had never quite mustered the same fascination for History that Jack held, though he wasn't entirely sure the topics were the problem. "I'm not too fond of History either," he told Flash, pulling a grimace at the thought. "But it's less that I think it's boring and more... Dates." It sounded stupid, saying it out loud, and he could feel his own face flushing his embarrassment. "There's always a lot of dates. Years. Eras. Big numbers confuse me." This had always been an issue for him; Numbers, dates, math. It took him twice as much time to figure out whether the year 1786 came before or after the year 1867 as it did anybody else, and after a while reading through History books just turned frustrating.

Shaking his head to himself, another thought crossed his mind, a question he was genuinely curious about without having realised that he was up until now. "Did you go to school?" he asked carefully. "Before Hogwarts, I mean." He knew that Muggle kids went to Primary School very early on in life already, another luxury Ruka had been denied growing up, but he wondered how these things were handled for kids from at least partly magical families, especially ones as wealthy as Flash's seemed to be. Certainly Flash had received a good education before going to Hogwarts, but had he gone to a school? Had he been homeschooled? Had his siblings taught him, was that what he had meant when he had said they had taught him a lot?

Once Ruka had relocated himself to sit next to Flash, it was easy to see the way the other boy had simply frozen up at the sudden closeness. That was not a good thing, could have only been a sign of discomfort. Even the way Flash talked appeared to be tense and breathless. It was the same problem again that Ruka constantly seemed to struggle with, wasn't it? Either not enough or too much, he simply knew no in-between, twirled from one extreme to the next without giving people the time to adjust. Flash had to be so tired of it.

Asking if Ruka really was alright with touching this much was almost a little awkward and Ruka couldn't tell if it was a genuine question or a polite way of asking him to stop being this physically close. Either way it made him shuffle around a bit until he wasn't leaning against Flash's side anymore, though he didn't let go of the other boy's hand as if though scared that letting go meant Flash would just run away from him. "I'm alright... As long as I'm... in control of it, I guess," he answered, whether Flash's question had been rhetorical or not. "I don't... hate touch. I just don't like feeling... Caged. Or cornered. I'm... I'm all I have, I don't... I've never liked feeling like I can't control who touches me or how." He shrugged his shoulders lightly, a small smile tugging at his lips as he felt Flash's hand gripping his own a little tighter, like a form of reassurance.

"I'll get over that," he said, like a promise.

Once Flash had pointed out that maybe they had made enough progress for a day, Ruka nodded, a little sadly. "Yeah," he agreed before reaching his free hand out to take a slice of bacon, biting off about half and taking his time chewing it before swallowing it down, as if he needed the time to come to terms with the progress they had made. "Thank you. For indulging me. Maybe... Maybe we could do something like this again. With less... Maybe we can manage to just do something fun next time." He chuckled lightly before finishing his bacon. Despite the fact that they had made a lot more progress in this one encounter than they had during their last few meetings together, it had still been somewhat straining, tiring and emotional. Maybe there was a chance for them to just do something without any of that sometime.

"Not that this wasn't mostly enjoyable." Wiping his hand on a napkin, Ruka reached for the origami frog Flash had made earlier on, placing it in front of the other boy and making it jump into the air and against the Slytherin's chest with a little giggle.

"Care to have breakfast with me now?" he wondered, tilting his head up a little to be able to lock eyes with Flash as he smiled a bit teasingly. "We don't need to talk more either if you don't want to. We can just... Have breakfast, next to each other, before we get on with our respective days. I don't know about you but I'm starving by now."

Ruka asked him to finish his incomplete sentence, of course. Needing to speak off the cuff and also needing to finish incomplete or unwanted thoughts felt unfair somehow. Not every syllable that came out of his mouth was important. More likely, nothing that he said was of any use at all.

”... someone special.” No smile.

When he asked for clarification, Flash shook his head. There were things that felt like puzzle pieces-- information being learned. The world around him was the puzzle, he was never trying to fit things onto himself. ”She isn’t a piece of me that was missing. She just brightens the world around her, so I stand close, to be in the light.”

Ruka seemed to conclude that it was nice that the two adored each other mutually. Flash couldn’t disagree, his relationship with Willow was something he treasured. He couldn’t agree as heartily with Ruka’s assertion that he ‘deserved’ it however, he was just lucky they had met the way they did. Most of the early parts of their relationship had been Flash fighting with the feeling of not deserving of her love and attention, but after their fight he had let that anxiety go. He knew their relationship was mutually beneficial, and that he brought just as much joy to her as she did to him. Perhaps it was the way she was that made him able to accept that as truth. It was likely only a matter of time before he would disappoint her, but he didn’t want to operate as though it was inevitable that he would let everyone down. It was too depressing, he had to hold on to some hope.

Flash felt a stinging stab of guilt when Ruka asked whether his dislike of Fabius was ‘just because he was annoying’. He tried to cover up the sting by generalizing it, but the words had still been said. Flash didn’t want to elaborate on why he didn’t like Fabius-- he didn’t want to not like Fabius. Everything would be better for everyone if he just got over it. Ruka tried to say he would listen if Flash wanted to talk about it, but he didn’t. What was the point in talking about it, it would just make him feel worse. It was a dreary topic and he wasn’t even sure he completely understood it himself. It was petty. He already didn’t like sharing things about himself, let alone the worst parts. So, he shook his head at Ruka’s offer. At this point, he felt he had been detailed enough to not be admonished.

”Thanks for the offer. I’ll remember it.”

Deeper into the conversation, Ruka once again had tried to clarify his question, after Flash had felt the need to snap at him. He regretted it afterwards, trying to recognize what Ruka continued to try to explain. He wasn’t good at talking, he said that he was trying to figure it out. Flash was so used to dissecting the things that people said, that he stumbled with someone who didn’t know how to talk. Ruka wasn’t always able to find the right words, or know what was hurtful, and just did the best he could. Flash tried to internalize this instead of acting so defensive. Expect mistakes, expect unintentional harm.

”I’m sorry…” Flash replied sadly. ”I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. It seemed natural to me, it seemed like everyone wanted to be liked. Maybe it was my old school, or my family, I don’t know. I thought everyone was born wanting to be liked.”

To Ruka catching his obvious floundering around with Val’s name, Flash felt the need to explain, given that he assumed Ruka honestly didn’t understand, rather than trying to poke fun at his inability to talk about his brother properly. ”You must know how important names are to people by now, if not just because of Burnett and me. Calling someone by the wrong name can be catastrophic, given the setting and who you’re talking to.”

Flash looked off, wondering if there was a better way to explain it. ”In this case, it doesn’t really matter if I say ‘Val’ to you, technically, but what if you called him Val to his face, or to someone else? Or if I got so used to saying it that I started calling him Val everywhere…”

Even just saying it openly over and over felt wrong. Flash’s mouth pulled into a guilty frown, a bit like the way he felt when his family called him ‘Demetrius’.

”It’s better to practice good habits even when they aren’t actively necessary. It hones them, avoids learning bad habits instead.” He hoped that was better, though it was hard to tell what exactly Ruka would understand. Proper names and titles was something that could go as far as life or death in noble society, though it likely seemed negligible on the streets.

Ruka went on to explain his ignorance of politics, which came as no surprise to Flash. He didn’t expect him to understand or be invested in it, though he seemed to want to know what it was that made the job so hard, and made it unattractive to Flash. He didn’t actually know the full scope of Val’s responsibilities, it was far beyond his understanding. It just seemed never ending, stressful, impossible. It wasn’t the things themselves that worried Flash, but seeing the small cracks in Val’s otherwise flawless composure.

”Death threats, red tape, paperwork…” Flash began by listing off the few things he did know for sure. They were basically buzz words from the multitudes of things he heard Val and Mari complaining about. ”As a politician you’re expected to be fair and calm, while the people are under no such restrictions. They can abuse him all they like, and he just has to take what he gets and try to turn it into something positive. Try not to take anything personally, or let it exhaust him to the point that he gives up.”

Another somewhat depressing topic. Of course, it was part of what Flash admired about Val’s ability, but he also didn’t want him to be suffering either. Even though he was, wasn’t it better than someone in the same position who didn’t care about improving the world? One of those politicians who only wanted the paycheck and just accomplished the bare minimum? Sacrifices like that were only unfair because the world was unfair. Being a demanding, just person was always going to come up against the tide of worldwide apathy. Against the ease of not caring what happens to anyone but oneself. Flash just didn’t know how to explain it, how was Ruka supposed to relate? He hoped that explanation had given enough reasons for Ruka so see what there was to dread about such a career path.

Ruka shared his exasperation with Flash’s insistence in talking about Val’s extended influence beyond himself. He hadn’t realized he was doing it, was he really trying to ‘justify enjoying things’ like Ruka said? It bothered him, but he didn’t know why. He would have to watch more closely how he talked about things he enjoyed doing. Was it just about Val, or did it extend to other things? As a response, Flash would only shrug, a bit of worry painted on his face. ”I enjoy his company.”

Flash was still an active member of the conversation, though through the duration he became quieter and more tired-looking. He accepted most of Ruka’s replies and additions silently, such as when he said he was trying to get better at seeing other perspectives, or how he wasn’t trying to lecture. Whatever worry the two of them had for him was hard to parce anyway. Ruka seemed to agree, waving it off himself. Though in his case, he seemed to think Flash thought his concern was ungenuine. No, just misguided… wasted...

There was a small moment of laughter from Ruka at the mention of the library, though Flash didn’t understand his need to hide it. A bit hypocritical, if anything, though he was likely just hoping to not make Flash get defensive again. He had learned a great deal of fear of Ruka that he needed to slowly discard as he came to understand him better. Ruka had much to learn about Flash too, he wasn’t offended at the natural ridiculousness elicited from his exorbitant wealth. He knew most children didn’t have libraries in their house. He was a bit surprised to hear that Ruka wanted to see it. Flash said nothing, but he wondered just what exactly he meant. Would he want to see any library he heard about, or was there something about it being Flash’s that made him curious. Flash didn’t see what his library had that was much different than a bookstore or another library, it was basically a random assortment, since Flash had such a wide range of taste.

Ruka asked a question then, branching from the topic of reading. Another one he had no answer to, like most of the ones he asked. This time, instead of simply saying he didn’t know, Flash decided to explain his thought process instead, in hopes it would help with Ruka’s confusion about why some questions were easier to answer than others.

”I… suppose you are just trying to get an idea for things that I like in books, but… to be honest, I don’t like picking favorites of anything. In fact, I hate it.” Flash certainly had preferences, and could even be said to be very particular and picky about certain things, but favorites were something else. Perhaps it was only semantics, something Ruka wouldn’t have ever had to bother with wading through before. ”Once you choose a favorite, it makes a statement. Everything else is below this. I don’t like that, I would rather just enjoy things freely without making one thing out to be the best. It’s really… just a personal preference though. It’s the same with animals, I don’t have a favorite.”

Still, he felt he knew Ruka’s basic intention. He was also learning. ”I tend to enjoy books when they focus on character. I suppose it’s why I find people so interesting. I like to see how different people handle different situations. Drama and mystery, those kinds of things.” Flash knew at least this much about his preferences. He picked his own books after all. ”If a character is interesting enough, I could almost read about them doing anything. That’s why I like things like comics or mystery series. You get to know the hero or the detective so well…”

Flash’s explanation trailed off, feeling a bit self-conscious. It was a trend he was starting to notice, with it being pointed out enough. He didn’t want to give any sort of impression of himself at all, because once he expressed it, it was an invitation to be judged. He would prefer to know what any given person thought about something before he admitted to his own, that way he would know their reaction before they made it. That way he couldn’t be rejected.

Ruka at least seemed to agree with him about history books, though for different reasons. He would have to remember that Ruka struggled with big numbers. From the topic of academia though, Ruka was inspired to ask about Flash’s schooling. Another topic that Flash could not see Ruka’s possible reason for having curiosity about. Most schools were rather similar, he found, even private schools. You went in, were taught by a teacher, and sometimes there were extra-curriculars. Then again, more likely than not, Ruka didn’t go to school at all. Even though Flash had no real love for his early education, the thought was a deeply depressing one.

”Yes, I went to Durham School. It’s an independent…” Flash wondered how much he wanted to say. Did the words 'independent co-educational school’ mean anything to Ruka? ”Let me think of how to say it… it was really a lot like Hogwarts. I had boarding school from age three to eleven, it was in a converted cathedral. It was independent, which only means that the students had to be accepted and pay for their education, unlike state schools which are paid for by taxes.”


For Flash, coming to Hogwarts itself had not been a jarring experience at all. He had always had to wear a uniform, always been surrounded by high stone walls and taught individually. Always knew magic was real, despite living his life like a muggle. When he went home, he could still fly around on a broom or see his mother make something float through the air into her hand. The only thing that had been different for him were the people.

”So... basically, a bunch of rich kids being told they are the future leaders of the world… makes sense, right?” Flash tone had become a bit drab. He liked the professors at Hogwarts much better. The people too. More vibrant, more interesting.

Towards the end of the conversation, after they had started sitting side-by-side and holding hands again, Ruka explained his revulsion to Flash’s hug at the relay race. Flash could do little else but pay attention and try to internalize it. Ruka didn’t say it outright, but it had likely caused him a great deal of discomfort when Flash had started to put his hands all over him while trying to straighten up his appearance. Before, he had asked Ruka if it was alright to fix his tie. After a time or two of doing that, Flash had assumed that more was also alright. He didn’t think about the control he was taking away, he had been trying to help. Of course, actual intention rarely mattered when consequences had already come and gone.

Was he feeling caged when he kissed me? The thought couldn’t dwell in Flash’s mind for long, especially not with Ruka right next to him holding his hand. He almost felt faint. Weakly trying to fight off the reviled thoughts that had been plaguing him ever since that day, that he wanted to be kissed. Next time, he wanted the person kissing him to want it just as much as he did.

Well, uh, that was besides the point. In fact, erase that. Really… pointless diversion aside… Ruka seemed to agree to let the questioning go. Even though Ruka seemed a little sullen, Flash breathed a sigh of relief, some of the hidden tenseness in his shoulder blades relaxing. Ruka even seemed to want to do something like that again. Flash smiled timidly at the hope that was being provided to him.

”Yes, I’d like… more fun, less questions.” With the smile on his face, it could be taken either seriously or as a joke. It would be hard to tell, but he meant it. It was the closest he could come to saying I didn’t enjoy talking about myself at all without putting a damper on Ruka’s efforts. Having breakfast together, for instance, was much preferable. ”Sure. Of course.”

Flash wanted to say he was glad that Ruka was eating, but he didn’t want to talk anymore, or bring up past regrets. It was better to just enjoy the moment for what it was.

@Ruka Tân