1 Jul 2020, 01:14
Relaying Relations
"Get off me, you oaf," a voice from under Jack murmured, causing the corners of his mouth to perk up slightly with amusement in spite of himself. It ceased immediately when Flash screamed out, of course, and Jack turned to look, falling off Ruka with a small, "Oof," once the older boy finally shoved him off.
He tried to keep a straight face as Ruka accused him with those bright green, frustrated eyes, but as the smile threatened to overtake him once more, he rolled onto his side facing away from Ruka, mimicking his pose but in the opposite direction, as if to silently deny his involvement in the matter...or to give Ruka and Flash some privacy.
When Jack heard the Gryffindor get to his feet, he allowed himself a tiny peek backward over his shoulder, viewing the other two boys only out the corner of his eye. He continued to observe, silent and unmoving, as Ruka pulled Flash's shirt back down and the pair finally began to exchange words directly in a proper - if emotional - discussion.
As Ruka and Flash were both people that Jack had difficulty seeing upset when he was unable to help them, he returned his attention to the grass at his elbow, propping up his head.
"I took something valuable away from you and I had no right," he could hear Ruka's voice saying. "I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry. If I could undo it I would,"
There was something there that Jack wasn't quite sure he understood. Though he had been purposefully taunting them before by calling the kiss 'silly' and he knew that Ruka had been legitimately upset by the event, the redheaded Slytherin couldn't completely understand why.
When Flash had mentioned that he might have thought Ruka had...feelings for him...implied by that kiss, that was a little easier for Jack to grasp, but it still didn't make complete sense. A kiss was just a simple brush of one's lips against another's. Parents did it to their kids all the time.
Sure, they could probably mean a lot, like a hug, but...were they really such a big deal? Jack was fairly certain an accidental hug wouldn't have been made out to be as big a deal as these two were making an accidental kiss out to be...
Granted, he did realize that people put a great deal of emotional weight into the act of kissing - more than a hug, hence why he had used it to ward both Rafa and Gem away from him before. But how much different could a kiss to the cheek be than a kiss on the lips?
A vague feeling at the back of his mind reminded him how strange he felt after having kissed those other two boys, but he felt it wasn't the same. The first, he was sure, had been due to Rafa's having surprised him with the brief show of intelligence as well as the unexpected show of respect he'd displayed upon having been 'defeated' by Jack's 'attack'.
The second time, he figured, had mostly been due to the misery and regret he'd felt from having first pushed Opeila away and then Gem; two other students who had simply tried to befriend and be kind to him. He had deliberately hurt them to keep them away from him, and though it had been an act of desperation, he'd felt horrible for it all the same.
Perhaps...perhaps that was some of what Flash and Ruka were feeling. Flash might have been impressed with and admired Ruka like Jack had with Rafa briefly, only Flash must have mistaken those feelings for...something more.
As for Ruka, he might have simply felt threatened by Flash's closeness and kindness both literally and emotionally as Jack had by Gem and kissed him to lash out as an act of defiance and with an intention to push him away.
The difference there must have been that while Gem had reacted as Jack had expected, Flash had not, kissing Ruka back instead of turning against him in obvious anger. Unlike Gem, Flash had blamed himself and Ruka must have been annoyed that Flash hadn't even had the honesty, courage, or sense to blame Ruka for the act.
Jack could understand Ruka's exasperation with Flash on that account. However, something else Ruka said caught the Welsh boy's ear, causing him to turn his head to look back over his shoulder once more.
"You have every right to punish me," the Irish boy was saying. "But not like this."
Huh?
When the Gryffindor gestured in Jack's direction, the Slytherin quickly turned away again, frowning at the grass before him.
"This is all I have. All I have, do you understand?"
What is he talking about?
"And you’re taking him away from me."
...Shit.
He didn't need to look at Ruka's face to know it was red. That wasn't what concerned him most. The space between his eyebrows pinched with a mix of distress, concern, and a little frustration of his own as he stared, unseeing, at the ground.
No, Tân, he thought sadly. That's exactly why I told you to spend April away from me; to see that I'm not all you have. Nor that you need me. His chest rose and fell as he heaved a quiet sigh. That was why I was hoping you could befriend Flash, too. You both need more friends; people to genuinely care about you and strong enough to own up to it. I'm...not there yet.
Well, he supposed he should have known it wouldn't have been that easy. Once couldn't simply expect to cast someone else off in the hopes they would find someone else to make them happy. Ruka had kept himself afloat just fine, but it had probably mostly been with the promise that Jack would still be there for him after that he had been able to do so. That wasn't the same as not needing Jack at all.
It was ironic how, while watching others admit to their own weaknesses and flaws, Jack was reminded so vividly of his own. He didn't know how else to tell Ruka what he wanted for him for fear the other boy would misinterpret it as Jack simply not liking him or want him around; as him looking for a way to get rid of the affectionate second year. But that wasn't and would never be the case. If only there could have been some way to make sure Ruka was as certain of that as Jack was.
Regarding Flash...Jack wanted the other boy to know there were people he could lean on just as he allowed others to lean on him; people like he and Ruka who genuinely cared and wanted him to be comfortable around them; comfortable enough to maybe realize what the difference was between being 'himself' and wearing the mask he wore.
How was Flash supposed to understand that, though, if he had just tried to be himself and be vulnerable around Ruka only for the fire-dancer to burn him? Surely he wouldn't be letting his guard down so easily again. Even if Ruka and Flash may have just about forgiven each other for their past transgressions, that didn't undo them, nor the damage they had done.
If Flash had thought Ruka cared about him and Ruka hadn't, even if he apologized, that didn't make Flash's misunderstanding the truth. 'Once bitten, twice shy', as the saying went. Furthermore, if Ruka was telling Flash that Jack was 'all he had', that would doubtless make Flash all the more reluctant to get close to or rely on Jack. And if Ruka himself refused to get close to anyone but Jack, who did that leave Flash with...?
No, this wouldn't do. He would have to work on it; little by little, slowly but surely, just like he'd done with this fight, but over a longer period of time. Perhaps if he got closer to each of them individually, he'd be able to get his messages across and strengthen their fragile bridges of trust to the point that no one would have to worry about falling through if any one of them decided to test the other's.
He could start with Ruka over the summer; ingrain in him that, as his new brother, Jack would always be there for him whenever he needed it regardless of anyone else. He wouldn't have to worry about anyone taking Jack away from him if he thought of him as family because you couldn't get rid of family so easily; not even if you wanted to.
With Flash, they had their time alone as dorm mates and fellow housemates. Perhaps over the summer, he would be able to heal a little, maybe allowing him to chance opening up again once the new school year came. Jack just had to be patient.
The sound of more movement caught Jack's attention again and he looked back once more to see Flash encircle Ruka in a very light hug. Though he said no words, the incredulous smirk on Jack's face expressed to Flash that he thought his attempt was pathetic, perhaps urging him with an unspoken, 'You can do better than that.' and a, 'Hug him like you mean it, people-pleaser.' look.
At the brunet's communicated message that Jack should have joined the hug too, the Welsh boy sneered and looked away again, his back still against the pair. No way was he going to touch that; not while Flash needed to be the one to comfort Ruka. This was still their fight, not his. And heck if he was going to let Flash blame this resolution on Jack just like he had blamed Ruka's likely agreement to participating in the errand on the redheaded Slytherin.
Flash had just barely begun to learn how to keep from taking responsibility for the bad things that happened to him when others were to blame, as Jack and Ruka had both been trying to get him to do. His dorm mate wasn't about to allow him to keep from taking responsibility for the good things as well when he himself was the actual cause.
@Ruka Tân & @Flash Holmwood
PC: Jack Burnett | iNPC: Ginyami Midorimori
1 Jul 2020, 07:28
Relaying Relations
@Jack Burnett @Flash Holmwood
There was something in Flash's face, a confusion as he listened, that threw Ruka for yet another loop. What did the other boy have to be confused about when it was Ruka himself who was completely out of touch with what was happening, who had to try and keep up to have even the slightest idea what the other two wanted from him?
He wasn't sure why Flash's eyes were frantically moving back and forth as if to search Ruka's words out of the air to be able to connect them together, to make sense of what he was saying, but for a second the Gryffindor felt a relief flooding through him at the realisation that maybe it hadn't been a plan of hurting him after all, though... Wasn't that even worse? The thought that Flash had managed to be a much bigger priority in Jack's life than Ruka without even trying? Hadn't it been much easier to accept when he had been able to blame Flash for actively trying to punish Ruka like this, rather than just effortlessly worming his way into the spot he found himself in now? Hadn't it just been an excuse to shed himself off the blame of simply not being good enough?
Rather than giving him any sense of comfort, this new realisation just furthered his need to crumble to the ground, knees pressed closely against his chest, face buried in his kneecaps for the moment as he trembled through the tirade of emotions coursing through him.
It felt like a long time when it was probably only a few seconds in which it was just him, tears streaming from his face and into the already damp material of his joggers, fingertips digging into his own legs to a painful degree, shoulders tensing with each shaky breath he took.
Despite how long it felt, the touch that followed came too soon, an imprisonment of unfamiliar arms, the breath of someone he barely knew washing over his hair, his own body pulled - however lightly - to rest against someone's chest as if to provide him with something to lean on, something he didn't trust to not just crumble away within the next seconds. He could feel his skin burning at the touch, his lungs filling with fire, fingers tapping a rapid rhythm against his legs, over and over and over again as if that was going to help him through the onslaught of panic that was threatening to overtake his body and mind.
He hadn't wanted them to touch him, he'd wanted to leave, had asked them to stay away, but they weren't, and now Flash was hugging him and Jack was acting like he had no part in this, no involvement in their lives, like a referee in a game he'd sent them into without their consent. It was messed up, all of it, a mess darkening and writhing inside Ruka's head, clawing its way through his entire being, blackening his insides. It was too much, all of it.
The words Flash spoke sounded almost clinical, an explanation without any emotional attachment, nothing else, just a reminder that Ruka was stupid to have thought himself important enough to warrant anybody planning some kind of punishment for him. What an idiot, silly, needy, pathetic, whiny child.
"Don't touch me," was the first thing he was able to croak out through the waves of panic flooding his lungs. He thought he was suffocating despite the breaths he took in, could feel the oxygen in his body being replaced with gasoline, ready to go up in flames if ignited by just a single touch or word. "Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me." He didn't want to, could feel his fingers snaking their way into his hair to pull them in frustration. "Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me." Always in threes, an ever toneless melody flooding his being, erasing his existence to nothing but numbers, a futile attempt at forcing things to make sense.
Why was his head such a mess?
Despite his words he felt himself pressing closer against Flash's chest, like he was trying to shove himself through it, break it apart, maybe. "Don't, don't, don't." He couldn't bring himself to form whole sentences anymore, didn't have enough air or strength left. What he really wanted to do was to push himself away but he didn't feel like he could, with his fingers still tugging at his hair, his body still trembling.
Instead of pushing himself away, he took a moment to force himself to still, stop whining, stop shaking, stop falling apart like that. He could do it, had been doing it all his life; Being alone wasn't something new to him, relying on himself was his default, so it couldn't be that difficult to just go back to it, right?
Keep going, keep dancing, keep smiling.
Slowly, his breathing calmed down, tears stilling as he willed them to, fingers releasing their grip on his hair. Whether Flash was still holding onto him or not, Ruka would lift his head to blankly stare at a spot on the ground, expression void of any of the agony he had felt just a second ago. The turmoil in his head wasn't going to seep into the outside anymore, those demons were going to stay caged in the shadows of his mind where they belonged. The silent tap of One, two, three against the grassy surface was the only sign of internal struggle he would allow from now on.
"That's alright then," he said quietly. He hated himself for the way his voice cracked despite all his efforts. "Good thing we cleared that up." A nervous chuckle escaped him, sounding nowhere near as confident as he would have liked for it to be.
His eyes found Jack's frame for a short second, moving on to a hill somewhere in the distance when he realised the Slytherin wasn't even looking their way, had turned his back like this was none of his business. That was alright then.
"I want to go now," he continued, loudly enough for both of them to hear. If Flash had let go of him by then he would gingerly remove himself from the physical proximity, stand on only slightly shaky legs. If he was still caught in an embrace he would struggle, push and wiggle until he had acquired the freedom he was looking for.
Once back on his feet he took a tentative step back, facing both of them as if expecting to be tackled again. Instinctively he reached for his wand, pulling it out of his pocket. Pointing it in the other two boy's direction was shaky, a clear sign that he didn't want to be motioning this kind of threat their way, but it was the only thing he thought would ensure that neither of them got any more ideas that would cause them to intrude into his personal space.
The smile on his face was hollow.
"I'm gonna go," he continued, taking another step back and towards the castle. "Thanks for sorting out the misunderstanding, Flash. I'm sorry I didn't realise it from the start." Taking a deep breath, Ruka let his gaze wander between the two boys for a second, blinking away any more stray tears threatening to escape him. No more of that. Life could go back to the way it had been last December and his head would get better again.
At least now he knew where he stood.
"Good race, you guys," he added, overly cheery as he kept moving further and further away. "I hope we didn't place too badly. You two did great."
With that he turned around, finally, wand still gripped tightly in his hand as he attempted once again to make his way back to the castle.
Attempts to leave Thread
~Hell is other people~ - Jean Paul Sartre
Stamina: 7 ~ Evasion: 10 ~ Strength: 4 ~ Wisdom: 14 ~ Arcane Power: 6 ~ Accuracy: 9
3 Jul 2020, 19:46
Relaying Relations
It didn’t take long to see that Burnett had no plans of joining them. In fact, it wasn’t long before Ruka also started to protest. Flash knew the embrace wasn’t likely to be wholly accepted, but he was unnerved when Ruka started refusing it repeatedly, pulling at his hair as though it had set off some kind of automatic panicked action. Had Flash done something… horribly wrong again? If that was true, why was Ruka pushing into him? Flash was motionless, neither holding him closer or letting him go. He didn’t know what was the right thing to do. Of course, logic would say ‘if someone is asking you not to touch them, don’t touch them’. It went beyond courtesy, one could say it was utterly reprehensible. Still, after what had been said and how it made him feel, Flash didn’t want to just let go. At least until he moved away, Flash would stay put.
It was not long before Ruka seemed to visibly calm down. His breaths weren’t as shallow, and he stopped shaking. It was an action Flash himself was well acquainted with-- following out, removing the difficult emotion that he couldn’t cope with. Distancing. At least he wasn’t threatening to pull his hair out anymore, he simply stared off at nothing. Ruka’s voice creakily spoke in false platitudes, about how everything was ‘cleared up’. Flash could scoff at the tone he took, but despite Ruka’s weak laugh, there was actually not anything funny about the situation. If anything, Ruka was retreating further and further away with every word he spoke.
With forced clarity, Ruka stated that he wanted to leave, and removed himself from Flash’s arms. He certainly wasn’t going to force a grip at that point, Flash’s strength gave way compliantly. What was surprising, was how after taking a few shaky steps away, Ruka grabbed for his wand, noncommittally threatening both of them with it. Flash would have liked to have been appalled, but the act simply didn’t surprise him. Not only was Burnett somewhat likely to continue to enforce the conversation, but Ruka was always likely to ensure things went the way he wanted them to, even if it came to force. Even though Flash was generally a person of pacifism, he was still treading through territory he was unfamiliar with. Perhaps it was fair that Ruka felt the need to defend himself by any means. Still, he didn’t have to wear such a freakish smile. For all the judgement Ruka doled out to others about their behavior, how often had Ruka turned the mirror inwards and seen himself?
Flash said nothing as Ruka turned to leave, though his parting words left an incredibly bad taste in his mouth. He had a lot he wanted to say, but in the state Ruka was in, none of it was salient. He couldn’t have some kind of Socratic discussion of why Ruka was being hurtful and caustic, perhaps Ruka needed time to think. Had anything that they did that day brought any of them closer together? Was it even possible, or were they all a lost cause? Well, either way, nothing said on that afternoon would do much more than further agitation. Flash himself was also feeling a bit agitated, like he needed time to think. Perhaps he could go for a run, he was already properly dressed.
So long as Burnett didn’t try to do something, Flash would offer a simple goodbye and be off himself. They could talk about what happened later. The feelings were too raw, Flash hardly knew what to think of it all. If Burnett let him go, he would take the opportunity to give his legs some real exercise, and give his head some space.
It was not long before Ruka seemed to visibly calm down. His breaths weren’t as shallow, and he stopped shaking. It was an action Flash himself was well acquainted with-- following out, removing the difficult emotion that he couldn’t cope with. Distancing. At least he wasn’t threatening to pull his hair out anymore, he simply stared off at nothing. Ruka’s voice creakily spoke in false platitudes, about how everything was ‘cleared up’. Flash could scoff at the tone he took, but despite Ruka’s weak laugh, there was actually not anything funny about the situation. If anything, Ruka was retreating further and further away with every word he spoke.
With forced clarity, Ruka stated that he wanted to leave, and removed himself from Flash’s arms. He certainly wasn’t going to force a grip at that point, Flash’s strength gave way compliantly. What was surprising, was how after taking a few shaky steps away, Ruka grabbed for his wand, noncommittally threatening both of them with it. Flash would have liked to have been appalled, but the act simply didn’t surprise him. Not only was Burnett somewhat likely to continue to enforce the conversation, but Ruka was always likely to ensure things went the way he wanted them to, even if it came to force. Even though Flash was generally a person of pacifism, he was still treading through territory he was unfamiliar with. Perhaps it was fair that Ruka felt the need to defend himself by any means. Still, he didn’t have to wear such a freakish smile. For all the judgement Ruka doled out to others about their behavior, how often had Ruka turned the mirror inwards and seen himself?
Flash said nothing as Ruka turned to leave, though his parting words left an incredibly bad taste in his mouth. He had a lot he wanted to say, but in the state Ruka was in, none of it was salient. He couldn’t have some kind of Socratic discussion of why Ruka was being hurtful and caustic, perhaps Ruka needed time to think. Had anything that they did that day brought any of them closer together? Was it even possible, or were they all a lost cause? Well, either way, nothing said on that afternoon would do much more than further agitation. Flash himself was also feeling a bit agitated, like he needed time to think. Perhaps he could go for a run, he was already properly dressed.
So long as Burnett didn’t try to do something, Flash would offer a simple goodbye and be off himself. They could talk about what happened later. The feelings were too raw, Flash hardly knew what to think of it all. If Burnett let him go, he would take the opportunity to give his legs some real exercise, and give his head some space.
@Ruka Tân @Jack BurnettAttempting to leave the thread too~
For we dreamed a lot//And we schemed a lot//And we tried to sing of love before the stage fell apart
Sta: 9 ★Eva: 5 ★Str: 7 ★Wis: 15 ★AP: 3 ★Acc: 15
6 Jul 2020, 23:49
Relaying Relations
When Ruka began to demand that he not be touched, repeating the chant like a cranky toddler, Jack glanced back once more with a puzzled, furrowed brow, unsure of what had gotten into the older student. Why was he sending such mixed messages, saying one thing with his words but behaving in a contradictory fashion with his actions? Was it because he wanted to be confusing, or because he himself was confused? Hadn't there been enough misunderstandings for one day?
Just as he was getting tempted to push himself back up onto his feet to pull Ruka off Flash, the Gryffindor ceased his strange tantrum. He appeared to forcibly calm himself, but Jack didn't like it. It reminded him of when someone pressed down on overly-full bag of garbage. Sure, it might have been shoved down deep inside for a little while longer, but sooner or later, the pressure would build and it would end up overflowing again. Why wouldn't Ruka just accept the garbage and let them help him sort it out rather than attempting to deny it existed? Well...not that Jack could talk, he supposed, since there were plenty of things he thought were better denied and shoved down than acknoweldged, addressed, or accepted.
It was for that reason that the redheaded Slytherin decided not to try stopping Ruka a second time. Though there was little more he would have liked to do than to hit Ruka with a Freezing Charm once the copper-haired student tried to walk away again, Jack knew better than to think it would do more good than harm this time. He got the sense that they had already reached the peak of progress they would be making for the day between the three of them, so to attempt to force any more would have only been foolish. The sight of Ruka's wand seemed to taunt Jack as if daring him to try something, but eventually he simply averted his gaze from the fire-dancer's retreating back with another sigh.
Getting up to brush the grass and dirt off his clothes, Jack studied Flash next. The brunet seemed to feel even less like talking than Ruka, already turning to head off in a direction of his own. His dorm mate followed suit, his heavy footfalls somewhat betraying his irritation, as he tried to catch up to his peer's side before the English boy took off like Jack could see he was itching to do.
"...He's wrong, you know," he told his blue-eyed peer seriously. "I'm not all he has. And you're not 'taking me away from him'." The Welsh boy frowned in the direction Ruka had taken. "That's just his insecurity talking. He'll get over it so long as we don't baby him too much."
Jack briefly and gently placed a hand on Flash's shoulder, as if to reassure him, before breaking off onto his own path so as to let the other Slytherin clear his head in the way he seemed to prefer most.
@Ruka Tân & @Flash Holmwood
Jack leaves the thread.
Thread finished.
PC: Jack Burnett | iNPC: Ginyami Midorimori