A Sickle For Your Thoughts PV Scott A Closed

They'd both found and settled to sit on a more obscured and private bench, with a cold stone table in front of it. Scott, even though he was also in quite the awkward state at the moment, had been the one to lead them there- right after Amadea's dazed eyes hadn't showed him any reluctance at the suggestion that they move. Yet she hadn't said anything... not until they sat down.

At this point, Lady, the sudden angel that she was, had curled herself up against the girl's feet- acting upon the very same instinct that Scott himself was fighting with every fibre of his being, that is, the instinct to try and soothe a person simply by being close to them. Because the boy knew that that was far more acceptable of a stranger to do to a person if you happened to be a cat... So for now, he only listened.

"It was all so sudden, I don't think anyone could have been less prepared for it,"

And lord, did he listen.

It would've been an understatement to say that Scott felt rude, what with the way he was listening so intently to her every word... And that must sound strange, after all, what could be rude about lending an ear to someone in need of it?, but it wasn't strange to him. Because Scott thought he knew why he was really listening:

This was exactly the conversation that the boy has always wanted to have, but had never ever been allowed to, with his brothers. Hiding within the Hufflepuff, he realised, were all the thoughts and all the feelings that Scott had grown up so desperately wanting to know and understand... The incomprehensible motives behind his brothers' fears and strengths- their nightmares.

Did they also wish, every day, that they'd hugged her one last time?
Were they also haunted by the what-ifs?
What were the what-ifs?

These were the sentiments, Scott bitterly decided, that he'd been kept so far away from all his life by everyone, since they "wouldn't do him any good anyway"...

Well he didn't want them to do him any good, did he? He wanted to do them good. That's all he'd ever wished for.

And that's part of why he felt slightly ashamed now, of the hunger with which he listened to her. Because while Scott was thinking of someone other than himself- he wasn't thinking of her. And that's what Amadea needed.

"I realize this must be really weird, telling you all of this..."

"No! It's not. It's not. Uh...

Tell you what, if there's anyone at this school that would strongly advocate in favour of sharing your inner turmoil with strangers- it's me. It's how Ami and I became friends in the first place, after all, and-"

His voice dying slightly at the last bit, Scott cursed himself as he shut his eyes discretely, grateful that Amadea still had more to say despite his inappropriate tone. He hadn't wanted to interrupt her, and certainly not with a subject that could so easily derail his focus.

He was supposed to be comforting her. And though he supposed this meant he'd also have to accept it should the Hufflepuff wish to end their conversation, his ache for the insight she was unknowingly providing him with was too great for him not to wish that wouldn't happen.

That is, until her point shifted. Because when Amadea went on to talk about her own place, and the friends she had and didn't want to let down, it was as if an even more impressive realisation settled in Scott's mind.

"[..] And I just feel like I've changed so much. And I don't even know who I am anymore. And it's- I feel like I just have to be myself. But I don't know who that is anymore."

With every word that she was uttering now, after having pet his cat once or twice where she lay purring, Scott felt a knot tie itself tighter in his stomach.

He'd really jumped at the possibility, hadn't he, that Amadea would be the help he'd always wanted in understanding his brothers? Because he'd always looked for that, everywhere... What he'd never looked for, on the other hand, and what he would occasionally even run from, were those instances when he in other people could easily see and read himself.

No. None of that. This wasn't supposed to be the point.

But that had been his problem, too, hadn't it? Because if he hadn't been so scared to show Ami how different or severed he was feeling, then Scott knew she'd still be around. If he hadn't insisted on remaining the "happy friend", then he knew she would've learned how to be the supportive one.

Regretfully, he knew it.

It was in any case this realisation that made sure Scott felt caught off-guard, when Amadea suddenly turned to him with a question.

"Anyway, enough about me. What about you? How are you doing? What troubles can I help you with?"

Scott stared at the girl for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. His brothers were suddenly farther back in his mind than they had been for quite some time, and back was Amadea's father, the girl, and himself.

If the moment hadn't been so somber, Scott would've given in to a nervous or gawky laugh- a natural response to being asked about ones trivial troubles, right after hearing about a child's recent loss of a parent. But he didn't laugh, of course... Only smiled and shook his head at her politeness. They'd get back to her life. They would.

"How am I doing? Well... I'm living quite the silly life at the moment. Which is marvellous, of course... Fantastic! Life should be silly, shouldn't it..? Especially this particular time a year." Scott lifted a finger in the air next to his shoulder. "Spring brings change! It comes with the wind, and isn't that the point? Because then, during the summers, we let it all bake. Like a cake. Wonderful!"

Scott wouldn't lie to himself, and suggest that he was making any sense whatsoever. Because that was always the case with him, the terrible liar that he was: instead of ever speaking poor untruths, the young boy would ramble on about something completely nonsensical for just a tad bit too long- allowing for whoever's listening to quickly distinguish it from his usual babble. And looking at Amadea now, Scott gave up what little hope he had of getting away with it. It was as if her transparency had rubbed off on him... her honesty demanded something.

"But then again, I suppose..." Scott started his confession very slowly, rubbing the back of his head and making sure not to leave her still quite sad eyes with his own as he spoke. "That the wind of change that spring brings, isn't always as appreciated... Not always."

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𝓐s Amadea talked, she watched Scott's face closely. She was in a haze, words spilling out of her mouth without her even registering that she was saying anything at all but nonetheless, the words kept coming. He seemed to be taking the information fairly well, and Amadea could sense there was some sort of unspoken pain in his eyes; maybe he had lost a parent as well and could understand the pain. Whatever it was, Amadea felt more at ease than she had previously. Getting the words off her chest and finally expressing how she felt was surprisingly refreshing; it was like she had finally let out a breath she had been holding since her father passed. She never realized how much simply talking could make her feel better.

As Scott mentioned Ami, Amadea noticed his voice fall in the middle of his sentence as he closed his eyes. She had been in the middle of her monologue as he had said this, and continued on. Now that she was finished talking, though, she wondered if something had happened between the two. Amadea had mentioned her redheaded friend earlier in their conversation but Scott had made no indication that her name bothered him then. Maybe Amadea had just been too caught up in her own drama to notice. This was why she hated sharing things like this; it made other people feel like they had to fix her problems when there was clearly nothing they could do except listen and feel bad. She would much rather be the one listening and trying to fix someone else's problems that were usually much easier to fix. After all, it would be impossible to bring someone back from the dead.

That was why she had asked him about his life. She sensed a sort of sadness within the boy and wanted to return the favor. If he trusted her enough to share whatever was on his mind, she wanted to listen. She wanted to help.

Scott began rambling about his silly life and the spring bringing change. Everything he was saying was horribly vague and Amadea's brows scrunched as she tried to untangle and make sense of what he was saying. Before she could ask him anything, though, he added on, mentioning how the wind of change isn't always appreciated.

Amadea stayed silent for a minute, taking in what he was saying. Clearly, whatever he had started off with, his life being silly like a cake, was just a cover. A change had occurred, and whatever it was, Amadea wanted to get to the bottom of it. She wouldn't pry, of course. She didn't want to upset him or pressure him into speaking to her. Just because she had shared the very intimate details of her life with Scott didn't mean that he had to do the same in return. Of course, it would be appreciated. But Amadea would understand if he didn't feel comfortable enough.

As much as she wanted to help, she knew she couldn't do a thing if he didn't want her help. And the last thing she wanted to do was pry or make him close up so much that he wouldn't talk to her at all. She understood where he was coming from with his reservations about change. Amadea herself hated change; she knew that most of the time change was good and inevitable, but the process of adjusting to the new changes was the part she didn't like. That was partly why she wasn't a fan of all of these new feelings she felt inside of her. They were new and different and forcing her to change. But this wasn't about her! This was about Scott. Scott had spent the last who knows how long listening to her vomit up all of the crazy nonsense that was her life at the moment and she didn't need to make this any more about herself than it already was.

"Change," she repeated. "Did something happen?" She hoped that the question wasn't prying too much; it was general enough that he could just say something vague and move on if he wanted to. Amadea sat back, ready to provide a listening ear if he needed one.

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"Change? Did something happen?"

Scott, hopefully not startling the girl as he went from a slow and quiet voice to a sudden loud and nervous laugh- felt a guilty pang in his chest yet again.

"Did something happen..." Well his father hadn't died, so he had that going for him. Jesus, why had he even said that? The mere suggestion that whatever he was going through could even count as a problem in comparison to what the girl to his left had experienced seemed infinitely rude at best.

But at the same time, he couldn't very well return to his previous attempt at playing it all off as if nothing was the matter at all... She'd seen right through that, Scott had felt it. And yet:

"Well. Happened and happened... Stuff always happens, doesn't it? It's never-ending. Like the universe. I only meant that-"

Aye, no, that wasn't fair. As bad as he felt about it, pretending like he wasn't feeling the least bit sorry for himself would've made him a liar- and Amadea had just been quite the opposite of a liar with him. He realised, sadly, that there must've been a reason as to why she asked about him in the first place. If she wanted to get her mind off of her own problems, then who was he to keep that away from her? After all, if he hadn't yet anything comforting enough to say to her, than he at least owed her the conversation she was so tentatively fishing for.

"I'm sorry. I am. It's just that I don't normally... Well, you know, this. I've gotten my fair share of experience only on the other end of this conversation, if we put it like that! That's where my skill lies. Not that you got to see much of that before, for which I apologise... And I assume that now's the time to admit it was, as you might already suspect, due to some problems of my own. A few, teeny tiny problems of my own."

Scott swallowed and looked back at the Hufflepuff again, trying to keep his eyes from ruining the light-heartedness with which he was still trying to speak. But in doing so, the boy had expected to be once again overwhelmed by his feelings of silliness- and he'd been wrong. Behind her blue eyes, Scott found legitimate sympathetic curiosity... There always was something about Hufflepuffs, wasn't there? Something free of judgement.

Well, he shouldn't generalise. That's never a good thing. Especially since the sentiment had only brought Ami back in his mind almost immediately.

Amadea had mentioned her friend before, but it had been so quick and hastily followed by something so impactful, that Scott had been lucky enough so not to process it. But now, well... He couldn't do anything but process it. There was something that felt rotten in him, and it was complaining that he wasn't having this conversation with her, instead.

But he couldn't do that, could he? That was the first of his teeny tiny problems.

"I suppose I'm a bit scared, like you. Like most of us, I have to assume, but still... I think I used to rely quite heavily on some things, that I don't really have anymore. Does that make sense? And I'm starting to wish I hadn't relied so much on them, which scares me, since I don't have anything else in my life quite so important to me as friends and family.

That's who I'm supposed to be."

Scott swallowed and lowered his gaze as he realised the amount he'd just revealed. Couldn't he have stopped at quite so important? Well, it was too late now. Besides, Scott would once again be a liar if he said the feeling of telling Amadea all of this was anything but incredible... Oh, to talk with someone who isn't a cat. Surprisingly underrated, and surprisingly addictive.

"And I prefer the person I'm supposed to be, too. Because he wouldn't ever feel like this... He'd be excited, this time of year, about soon coming home to his brothers! And he'd have written home, at least once this past month.

He'd still be Ami's friend."

── ❋ ──

𝓗er eyebrows knit together as Amadea listened to Scott ramble, trying to make sense of the words. He clearly was evading whatever it was that was really bothering him, whatever change had occurred that was affecting him, but Amadea knew she couldn't pry into what was going on. She suddenly felt exposed and stupid. Who was she, rambling on about her problems to a person she barely even knew, spilling all of her deepest and darkest secrets? Just because she had a lapse in control of her emotions didn't mean that Scott had to share his feelings too.

She was about to open her mouth and profusely apologize for even bringing anything up at all when he continued. Amadea snapped her mouth shut, ready to listen. No matter how teeny his problems were, Amadea would listen to the best of her ability. She understood where he was probably coming from; she also often felt like she shouldn't talk to people about her problems because they were minuscule compared to what other people were going through and she didn't want to burden anyone. As her eyes locked on his, Amadea could tell there was something bothering him, something that didn't seem like just a teensy problem, something that was really bothering him.

Amadea nodded as he talked, completely understanding everything he was saying. Family and friends were the most important thing in her life, and protecting them was number one on her agenda all of the time. That was part of the reason why she had not vented about anything to anyone...she didn't want to worry them and she wanted to keep them all safe. But this wasn't about her, this was about Scott and his family and friends. As Amadea listened, she tried to wrack her brain about anything she knew about Scott. Since they had just met, Amadea didn't really know anything about his family, so if he was referring to his family members that were unreliable, she wouldn't know who. However, she did know that Scott was best friends with her own best friend, Ami Procoppio. Did this have something to do with her?

It certainly would make sense, Amadea thought to herself, remembering the way Scott's expression had flickered during her own monologue when she had mentioned the redheaded Hufflepuff. Even though it seemed like the situations that had triggered Scott and Amadea's feelings were quite different, the feelings they were going through seemed to be quite similar. Amadea felt for Scott as he talked about the person he was supposed to be. She understood losing yourself and the struggle of trying to be the person everyone thinks you should be or the person that you think you're supposed to be but also realizing that you aren't the same person you always were. It was a horrible feeling; how could you know anything about anyone if you don't even know how to be yourself?

"He'd still be Ami's friend." Ah so this was about Ami. Amadea felt like she was now slightly at an impass. On the one hand, she was one of Ami's closest friends and she didn't want to anger her by talking with Scott or making it seem like she was on Scott's side of anything. She knew that she could try to explain it to Ami, but knowing how towheaded the girl could be sometimes she might not believe Amadea. On the other hand, she wasn't about to abandon the poor boy now that he had spilled all of his feelings.

Amadea looked at Scott, now feeling more unsure that she was on the other side of the situation. She wanted to say the perfect words that would fix everything for him, but she didn't know if there were words that could do so. "I'm certainly no expert," Amadea said, "But I'm slowly beginning to realize that sometimes the person you think you're supposed to be isn't the person you are," she spoke slowly. "And I know it really, really sucks," she added. She wished she had some more words of advice or help for him, but she was going through the same identity struggle and would happily take some advice of her own.

"Wh-," she added on, wondering if she should ask more or if it was too intrusive. "What happened with Ami?" Even though Amadea had been back to school for a little while now, she still wasn't caught up with everything that was going on at the school. She hadn't heard Ami tell her anything about an argument with Scott.

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"I'm certainly no expert, but I'm slowly beginning to realise that sometimes the person you think you're supposed to be isn't the person you are. And I know it really, really sucks."

No expert my ass.

-is what Scott would have said, had the emotional atmosphere been somewhat different, and had he considered the vocabulary even the least acceptable... But alas, another nervous chuckle would have to do. He was actually beginning to fear that'd be something Amadea would think he does often: laugh nervously. He doesn't, he wanted her to know this, but forced himself to assume that she, too, had been caught in quite an unusual mood. She'd know.

Because he did believe he was right in thinking she shared his feelings. She'd expressed something very similar earlier, hadn't she? In fact, that had been what had urged him to tell her in the first place. And there was just something about her words and eyes now, that told him she understood more than she could explain... Many people, Scott found, and that included himself, often understood more than they could explain. Although he and Amadea were apparently graced with a very fortunate ability to get at least halfway there most of the time, Scott knew that there were people who weren't half as lucky in that regard. Some people could try their absolute best to express their sympathy or love, only to fail in the most harmful ways... Some people, like-

"Wh- what happened with Ami?"

At first, Scott was caught a bit off-guard by the wariness in his new friend's voice. Sure, she'd been tentative, shy and careful not to intrude during all of their conversation (perhaps excluding her own sudden revelation), but she'd never spoken as if she didn't really want to know the answer. Suddenly feeling very guilty, Scott wondered whether he really had revealed too much- and now she felt obligated to ask more only because she was a nice person.

But then, looking at her, he understood.

Ami was Amadea's friend. Good friend, even, and that was a problem. Not to him, of course: Scott had never been the jealous nor the political type. It had for instance never bothered him to see the two of them together, back when he and Ami were as close as can be. And it didn't bother him to imagine them together now, when he was sure many would've considered it distasteful to open up so much to someone still close with... well he didn't know what to call her.

But no. Jealousy and politics had always been her thing, not his. Scott only felt sorry.

"Oh, uh.."

Cringing away from her uncomfortable expression, Scott fought hard with the urge he had to just tell this girl everything. Every detail.

But it wouldn't be fair, Scott had to remind himself. Ami has done nothing to her.

Absolutely hating the realisation that it was Ami, and not Amadea, that Scott was thinking of in refraining from his longed for rant, as well as the fact that he was forced to remember what being such good friends with her had actually felt like in order to relate to his new friend, Scott swallowed. It was an uncomfortable thing to put such sadness and anger aside in order to stay objective about something so personal... Not that Amadea had asked him to. In fact, she'd done the opposite.

Her eyes had asked for honesty.

"We... fought..."

Ugh, they were ugly words. Ugly, meaningless words. Scott grimaced as soon as he said them, as if his tongue just wasn't used to such simple and superficial sentences... He was really beginning to wish he hadn't mentioned her name, at all. It all had brought what to him seemed like a completely unnecessary coating of the personal for Amadea, as well.

He could've said Ben. Hell, he could've lied and said "Alan" if he was so inclined. Why had he said Ami?

"Well, not fought, maybe... I mean we did but... but there was more than that..."

He swallowed again. Staring at the ground, Scott could see Lady rise to her feet and take to lay in between the two student's left and right shoe, instead of across' only Amadea's.

"It was a long time coming, is what I'm saying. And I guess I just couldn't pretend like it wasn't anymore. Even though I'd gotten quite good at it."

Struggling hard with the words, something even a stranger like Amadea must've realised by now was a rarity for the boy, Scott started scratching the back of his head almost frantically, his expression growing more and more concerned with the situation.

"I know you're friends!" He added apologetically, and with some vigour. "And that's... that's amazing! And you shouldn't- you shouldn't think-"

Suddenly moving his hand away from his neck and towards his cheek, wiping it instinctively off even though it was still dry, Scott felt his voice catch in the middle of his throat as he covered his lips with one or two slightly shaky fingers.

"I'm not dumb..." he whispered. "And not alone." Honestly, he was barely convincing himself at this point.

"But she can really make me feel like I am. She did. Do you get that?"

He looked pitifully to Amadea again, trying his best not to reveal too much about her good friend again whilst still giving in to his need to tell her.

"And the person I'm supposed to be wouldn't have thought much of it. He's used to it, to put it lightly... But I couldn't help it. She was my best friend, Amadea: I listened to her, and I believed her, in everything she said. And she knew just what to say...

I've never been this scared."

── ❋ ──

𝓣his was a very odd situation for Amadea, and not because of the person sitting across from her but only because she was the one who was making it this way. She was now hyperaware of the fact that she had basically just spilled her soul to someone she barely knew and was expecting the same back. Amadea always had been known as a very empathetic person; if someone needed advice or just a listening ear, Amadea was the first to volunteer to be that person. She had a knack for being able to help comfort people and make them feel better. For some reason, she was at a complete loss of words now, though.

Maybe it was because Ami was one of her best friends. Loyalty ran through Amadea's core...maybe it was guilt that she was feeling because she knew Ami would be angry at her for talking to Scott. But Amadea couldn't just sit there and do nothing. Her heart broke for him as he looked so helpless, relaying clearly painful memories. Whatever had happened between the two of them, it had clearly hurt him deeply and Amadea couldn't use her friendship with Ami to justify whatever hesitations she had. Plus, he had been so kind to her only a few moments earlier; she would be the most horrible person in the world if she refused to help him in return.

Amadea listened as Scott rehashed the details of their fight, how Ami had made him feel dumb and alone. "I'm sorry she made you feel that way," Amadea said, hoping that she sounded as sincere as she felt. As much as Amadea loved Ami, no one should ever make anyone else feel dumb or alone. Unfortunately, Amadea wasn't sure what else she could say to this. Fighting with a friend was a subject that she didn't have much expertise in. Before coming to Hogwarts, Amadea hadn't had many friends. The only real fight she had been in was with her sister before coming to Hogwarts and she had solved that problem by not talking to Kat for an entire year. She wasn't sure that shutting someone out for a year was the best way to deal with overcoming differences.

After three years of spending hours with her Hufflepuff housemate, Amadea had learned a lot about Ami. She knew that the girl, while they looked quite similar in appearance, couldn't be more of opposites personality-wise. As much as Amadea shrunk into her shell, Ami was outgoing and crazy; as much as Amadea tried to follow the rules, Ami tried to bend them as much as possible. Despite their differences, the two girls had managed to become close friends over the years, but Amadea knew how stubborn Ami could be sometimes. This wasn't about Amadea and Ami's differences though; this was about Scott and Ami.

Amadea sat for a minute, just thinking and processing. "You're not alone," she said finally. "I'm here for you." She paused. "And even though you guys aren't on good terms, I know that Ami is there for you too." Amadea shifted, trying to formulate her words correctly. "People say things when they're angry...things that they don't mean," Amadea said. "I'm sure that she didn't truly mean everything she said to you. And I'm not trying to justify that she said those things," Amadea added quickly, hoping that Scott would understand that she wasn't trying to make excuses, "It's horrible and she shouldn't have said mean things to you. But in the heat of the moment, people can say things that they regret."

The way he had said things were a long time coming made Amadea intrigued. She could sense that it seemed like things had been unsettled for a while but had come to a breaking point whenever Scott and Ami had their fight. "I know you probably don't want to hear this," Amadea said, "But I would talk to her. You've let things cool off a little bit so you're not caught in the haze of anger and you can talk to her about how you're feeling." Amadea paused, wondering if she should even be giving advice at all. "You said...it was a long time coming..." she said. "Lack of communication...a lot of the times can mess up relationships," Amadea felt like she was rambling at this point, but she hoped even a sliver of what she would saying could help, "I...maybe if you can clearly communicate how you're feeling. You guys can work past things?"

Inwardly, Amadea was cringing. She was definitely not qualified to be giving advice on this subject; conflict of any sort was one of the things that Amadea tried to stay away from as much as possible. Arguments were her least favorite thing and whenever tensions rose she always tried her best to diffuse the situation before it could go any further. Maybe this could work to her advantage in this situation, though. Maybe she could help Scott fix his friendship with Ami. Her level-headedness could help both of them see the other side of the situation...though to be fair, Amadea only knew one side of the situation right now, and it seemed like Ami was clearly in the wrong. With a profuse and sincere apology, though, Amadea was sure that the two could reunite. She looked up at Scott, trying to read his expression and see if anything she was saying was helping or if she was just making everything worse.

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