You Never Deserved Her!
- content warning: features depression; brief suicidal thoughts -
────────────────────────x❝i'm pathetic. i'm worthless. i'm undeserving. i'm a monster.❞
parselmouth. slytherin. the makings of a disgrace.x───────────────────────────────
| yada yada yada | 𝕷auren had only just gotten back from summer camp. Her whole body ached, but those thirty-one days had pretty much been the best in her life. She didn't have to worry about her family, the situation with Aunt Loratrix, and was even allowed the chance to take part in organising the summer camp and directing certain events. It was good, but shadows seemed to be lurking in front of her now. Everything seemed to change for the worse the moment she stepped foot into the Vanes manor. The voices were back; Lauren hadn't been quite used to them, as they stayed where Lauren wanted her to be in for the whole of August. Out of her mind. The blonde, in an attempt to get used to the environment of her house, breathed in the sweet scents of her room, gently stroking the black lilies that her aunt bought her a few weeks ago. They were tender and yielding, a source of comfort for her trembling hands. They bended under her hand's weight, but never once failed to soothe her tears ever before. Their presence alone made the young Slytherin more able to drown out the overwhelming voices in her head, but it didn't mean that they faltered completely. The faint echo of the nightmarish voices could still be heard, telling Lauren over and over again that she was worthless. And she believed that she was. You don't deserve anything! You're just a waste of resources, a waste of your loved ones' time, care and love! Your family was right to treat you like dirt! She tensed as she thought of her family yet again. She had long ago gotten over the fact that they would never come to like her, and that they hated her with every fiber of their beings. That she would only find pure joy and happiness in seeing her being tortured and witnessing her suffering. The voices in her mind had further confirmed this fact, telling her that she was undeserving, that she was worthless, and most of the time she had believed them. Lauren could only guess about the origins of the voices in her head. They had only appeared after she joined Hogwarts and was unable to be cared for, to be supported by, and to be guided by her aunt, Loratrix. However, after she had received the letter from her aunt that she and her were in the wrong and the majority of the Vanes family were in the right by treating them both like dust, like pieces of garbage to be thrown out, Lauren had refused any communication with her. And as a result the voices in her mind remained unbudging. To be honest, Lauren wasn't really sure if she'd rather have to listen to her aunt forcing her to apologise to her family or the dangerous voices. Her aunt, was, currently, the woman she most despised (after her mother, definitely, and the hated Arianna Sabrina Vanes.) She would not, in a thousand years, forgive her aunt for what she did. Unless... unless if she proved to Lauren that she knew she was in the wrong and had come to her to admit her mistakes. Or perhaps if she had helped her in attacking the members of the Vanes family. She didn't entirely loathe her aunt in any specific way, she realised. It was just the kind of one-time anger that caused her to convince herself that she did. If she had been a little less emotional, she doubted that it would take her so long to find out. She did owe her aunt an apology, she guessed, but not now. If she had apologised to her now, Aunt Loratrix would probably have dragged her over to apologise to her parents and siblings as well. No, it was much better to stay in her room and wait. It was, and always had been, Lauren's favourite place in the world, except perhaps Hogwarts. She didn't have to worry about her parents barging in and launching an attack on her (though that was probably just exaggeration. Her parents were the most despisable beings in the world, yes, but they weren't the most stupid ones.) She didn't have to worry about her aunt dragging her out to apologise because her door was more locked than it ever was. She knew that her parents could use the Opening Charm any day to open it, but she doubted that they'd have reason to. They hated having her, the so-called 'disgrace', in view. Then she tensed. Maybe I'm actually a disgrace and they were in the right all along -- SHUT IT! Another voice in her head boomed, drowning out the first. Lauren shook her head in exasperation. Her mind had long become the voices' battleground, and no matter how hard she tried to shut them out, the voices would always persist. She sighed. Some of the voices did more good than harm, though, she thought. Like the booming one, always shutting out those other voices that tell me I'm -- BUT WHAT IF YOU ARE? WHAT IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY WORTHLESS AND THE VOICES ARE RIGHT? Another voice had piped in, and Lauren almost destroyed the lilies in exasperation. She moved her hand away in fear of that happening. But this third voice had a point. Maybe it were actually true. Maybe she was actually worthless. Yet, she could never find the reason behind the voices telling her that she was pathetic and worthless and undeserving. Maybe they just hated her, but then Lauren couldn't see how the voices sometimes opposed those thoughts. She shook her head yet again. Why did everything have to be so hard? Why couldn't she just be a normal twelve year old kid, worrying about her school supplies and stuff? Did she really deserve that much torture, and what did she even do to deserve them? Everything, another voice thundered in her mind. You vandalised the portraits. You were evil. You were someone that had to be supressed. You don't deserve anybody. You're the worst thing to ever happen to this world. You started arguments. You made everyone... unhappy. You destroyed everything. Louder voices piped in, and continued the chant. Her mind was practically screaming with accusations now. YOU'RE A MONSTER! YOU MADE EVERYONE UNSAFE! YOU WERE SELFISH! YOU THOUGHT THAT THIS WORLD EVOLVED AROUND YOU! YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAD FEELINGS, AND EVERYONE ELSE DOESN'T! YOU EXPECTED PEOPLE TO STAY BY YOUR SIDE EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER DESERVED IT! YOU PRETENDED TO BE THE VICTIM BECAUSE OF HOW YOUR FAMILY TREATED YOU, BUT YOU ALWAYS FAILED TO SEE THE REASON BEHIND IT! YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO GAIN EVERYONE'S SYMPATHY, AND WHEN THEY SHOW THE FIRST HINTS OF TURNING AGAINST YOU, YOU ABANDON THEM! YOU ACCUSE THEM OF HATING YOU! YOU MAKE EVERYONE FEEL WORTHLESS! JUST BECAUSE YOU RECEIVED ALL THAT PAIN DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PROJECT IT INTO EVERYONE ELSE! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS WORLD! She tensed as she began thinking of her argument with Rosie two months ago in the Forbidden Forest, and that only led her to further project the accusations. YOU ALWAYS TOOK ROSIE FOR GRANTED! YOU HURT HER WHEN YOU FIRST MET HER! YET SHE ALWAYS STAYED, AND WHEN SHE REVEALED EVERYTHING TO YOU IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, YOU TOLD HER THAT YOU HATED HER! WHAT WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE HER? TO GIVE EVERYTHING FOR A FRIEND, ONLY FOR THEM TO TELL YOU THAT THEY HATE YOU? WHAT DID ROSIE FEEL? YOU'RE A VENOMOUS BEAST, AND YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYONE! YOU'RE UNDESERVING OF LIFE ITSELF, LOSER! She was so wrapped up in her self-loathing and the voices in her head that she didn't even notice it when an owl dropped a letter onto her lap. The owl was tanned, light brown, and merely the fluffiest being she had ever seen in her life. It stared at her with incredulous eyes, as if it was examining how such a monster could be friends with its owner, since she didn't recognise the owl. Then she remembered that it could have easily been from a stranger and not her friend. Maybe the owl was examining her because she looked monstrous, and it refused to believe that its owner would want to even communicate with someone like her. Yet there was a slight tinge of sadness in the owl's eyes, and Lauren wondered why. The owl's gaze was still fixed on her, watching her every move. Lauren didn't really like the feeling of being watched, but knew better than to get the owl out of her room. She glanced around nervously. It seemed to her as though the owl was trying to threaten her personal space, but she couldn't make it leave. If the owl was a pet of the Ministry of Magic or something, though Lauren would never know why he would bother sending an owl to her, then Lauren would be in big trouble. Perhaps he had sent the owl to examine her because she seemed to be dangeous? Unworthy! Dangerous! Undeserving! Pathetic! Worthless! Garbage! The insults flooded her mind once more, and Lauren was thrown back into her self-loathing once more. She didn't deserve anyone. She didn't deserve the company of the light-coloured little owl. She stared into its eyes once again, but she could only see... a hint of sympathy. SYMPATHY? How could anyone sympathise with me? Then she remembered. The letter. Maybe bad news was hidden behind the fine golden laces of the envelope, behind the white that surrounded it. Behind the golden words that was imprinted on it. As she saw the words, she could feel every single hair on her body standing upright, then sighed as she pictured how she would look if her billowing blonde hair stood up like her father's. She cringed. It would look... disgusting. She was surprised that the owl didn't fly away shrieking, but bowed its head towards her. The words imprinted on the letter were: from briar anderson, 28/8/26. The handwriting looked messy, almost illegible, and she could see that this Briar didn't even bother to capitalise the first letter of her name. She shuddered. Something really bad was happening -- but she didn't know why Briar, whoever she was, would choose to owl her when she was so depressed. Then she remembered that Briar was her best friend, and memories flooded her mind. She was so ashamed that she had forgotten who her best friend was that she slapped her forehead with the most strength she could muster. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to what she predicted Briar would feel if she found out that she had forgotten who her best friend was for a split second. YOU STUPID, DAMNED WOMAN, FORGETTING WHO YOUR BEST FRIEND IS! YOU'VE SPENT ABOUT A THOUSAND DAYS TOGETHER IN HOGWARTS, AND YOU CAN STILL FORGET! NO WONDER EVERYONE HATES YOU! YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING! YOU'RE EVEN MORE MONSTROUS THAN A TYPICAL EVERYDAY MONSTER! YOU'RE THE WORST OF THE WORST! YOUR BIRTH WAS THE WORST THING TO HAVE EVER HAPPENED TO EARTH! YOU DIDN'T DESERVE TO BE BORN! YOU'RE UNDESERVING OF LIFE ITSELF! The voices had come back again. But she was too overwhelmed by her guilt about forgetting her best friend that she didn't bother to care about them. At this moment, they just served as background noises that subconsciously ebbed away at Lauren's remaining specks of self-esteem. She had heard them for almost a million times during the past year, yet they still held effect, and the young Slytherin would never know why, and how. She threw herself onto her bed, and realised at once that its colour perfectly matched that of the envelope cover. Both were white as snow, without a tinge of any other colour on it. The only difference was that her bed was as silky as ever before, while the envelope was rough with numerous patterns. It was just exactly how a wealthy family would shape their envelopes. All of a sudden, Lauren remembered how Briar had told her that her parents kept expecting her to live up to their standards and had split up all of a sudden. She remembered how devastated she had been about all that splitting and how they had pretended that everything they did and all the memories they shared didn't exist, at all. She had felt a surge of anger towards Briar's so-called 'mother' for leaving her family behind and growing a family with someone else. She had given up everything, including her daughter. Then hope flared in her chest, and Lauren wondered if Briar had owled her this envelope to ask if she could stay with Lauren. Maybe live with her. Then she sighed as she remembered the restrictions that her family had implemented. Her family hated her more than anything. She would never be allowed to invite Briar to her house to live; the Vanes family members would probably kick them both out of the door and throw Lauren's wand in the trash in hope that they would both starve. Then they would probably imprison the little owl that perched before her. She shuddered, and patted the owl's head in fear that her prediction was going to come true. And Lauren knew that Briar knew that. But what if Briar had been too desperate for someone else that she didn't care? What would happen to the both of them? They would probably have to live together, homeless, in the streets! But at least they would have each other, and that was already paradise for Lauren. Heavenly paradise. Then with a pang she realised that she had been thinking this all out, not opening the envelope and seeing for herself instead. The owl's eyes were fixed on her, but there was a hint of impatience. Perhaps Lauren had kept it waiting too long. "Sorry," she muttered, and Briar's owl seemed to look content. Her fingers trembling, Lauren flicked the corner of the envelope opening, and glimpsed the corner of the letter. It seemed to be full of writing, but seemed to be a lot messier. She could see splots of tears mixed with the ink, creating gray stains. She shuddered. Whatever happened to Briar, it seemed to be severely horrible. She tensed, not wanting to look at what lay beyond the corner of the envelope, but she knew that she had to. She had to do this for the sake of her best friend. With a deep breath, Lauren tore out another corner of the envelope. She almost gagged at the watery grayish stains that could be visible now -- they looked like dried puddles after a particularly heavy rain. But then she guessed that it was a mixture of Briar's tears and the blackened ink, and felt guilty for gagging. Her bestie had to be in quite a severe state of mental depression to cry as much as that. Whatever was happening, Lauren felt as if she needed to know about it... now. But the selfish side of her kicked in. She didn't want to know. She wanted to spare herself from the horror of what had happened. She knew Briar to be the strongest person she ever knew -- that girl was a literal goddess. She was the bravest person Lauren ever knew. She wouldn't give up, cry, and seek other people's help that easily. WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING SELFISH? The voices had somehow crept into her mind again. YOU'RE THE MOST SELF-CENTERED PERSON IN THIS WORLD! YOUR BEST FRIEND NEEDS YOU, AND YOU JUST THINK THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT HER! SO YOU DON'T DESERVE HER! YOU NEVER DID, YOU DAMNED LOSER! YOU DON'T DESERVE HOW SHE LOVED YOU! SHE WOULD'VE GIVEN HERSELF FOR YOU! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT HER! YOU RANT ALL DAY TO HER, SHE OFFERS YOU HER SUPPORT, AND NOW WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU, YOU DON'T WANT TO OPEN THE ENVELOPE! WHAT TYPE OF FRIEND IS THAT? YOU DON'T DESERVE HER! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE IN THE TRASH CAN WITH THE GARBAGE, BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE! YOU'RE TOO COWARDLY TO BE A TRUE FRIEND, EVEN THOUGH YOU CALL HER A BEST FRIEND AND SHE CALLS YOU ONE! BUT YOU. ARE. NOT. RECROPRIATING. HER. KINDNESS. OPEN THE ENVELOPE AT THIS VERY INSTANT, YOU WORTHLESS, UNDESERVING, PATHETHIC LITTLE BITCH! She hated herself more than anything in that moment. Why was she so selfish, so self-centered all the time? Why wouldn't she be rushing to open the envelope and look at Briar's struggles? Why was she the worst person ever in this world? Why was she even born, if she was such a pathetic loser? Why was she always like that? Finally, a voice in her mind started to speak some sense. Why don't you just open the envelope now, at this very instant? Stop being a pathetic loser, and be the friend you're supposed to be! Briar's owl is probably going to spring at you any moment for not opening the envelope! Yes, your time can be wasted, but not Briar's or her owl's! Maybe she's in danger right now! Maybe she's about to die and these are her last words -- "NO!" she shouted out loud, interrupting her thoughts. She didn't even bother to stop and think about the reliability of the voices in her mind. It could've been just pushing her to read the envelope, but the prospect of Briar dying was too much for her. She scrambled over to the envelope, ignored the wastefulness she felt towards ripping it because it was just so damn pretty, and tore the sides of the envelope. Chunks of rough white card paper flew from the envelope towards the floor, and Lauren could hear the owl shrieking in annoyance. This time, though, Lauren was too anxious to even mutter an apology. Her hands were already trembling like a whirlwind, and sweat covered it. If the sweat had been sugary syrup and her hand had been a piece of fruit, there was no doubt that it would be the sweetest food ever in the universe, so sweet that cockroaches and beetles and all those sugar-addicted insects would scramble to eat despite the presence of beings who love killing them. They would probably sacrifice their life for it. That was exactly how anxious Lauren was. Perhaps she wasn't that bad of a friend after all, but she had no time to think about that. She wrenched the letter out, sending the envelope flying towards Briar's owl (though it was accidental, she would swear it on her life). Her hands had appeared to turn the letter wetter than it already was. If another drop of water managed to touch it, Lauren had no doubt that it would turn into mush. Her heart beating so fast that it was almost going to fly out of the chest and then out of the window, Lauren picked the letter up and read it: "NO! THIS COULDN'T BE HAPPENING! NO!" Right now, Lauren wanted nothing more than to jump out of the window and to never be seen again. She felt as if she could crumble into pieces and no one would notice anymore. She doubted that a single living soul would even care if she jumped out of the window and stabbed herself with one of the knives her mother always used in the kitchen. Now that the reality of Briar's disappearance had been confirmed, Lauren felt suffocated under the heat despite the cool wind in her room. The adrenaline of summer camp had disappeared completely, and Lauren had forgotten about how amazing life had been just hours earlier. Nobody was going to be hers now. She might as well die and disappear. She would never get to see Briar again, regardless of what she said in the letter. Her family never allowed Lauren to have any interactions with anyone, and would most certainly kick her out of the window if she dared suggest such a thing. She held the letter close to herself, not wanting anything to sweep away the memory of her best friend. She wouldn't have it. Even though she knew that Briar was very much alive in that moment, Lauren felt as if she lost her. Another one of her selfish thoughts. A tear rolled down her cheek and onto the center already wet paper. Her brain had barely registered it before the tear turned a large portion of Briar's letter to gray mush. She barely had the time to whisper 'no' before the water seeped into the other parts of the paper. Before her eyes, the last trace of Briar that she had in her hands turned into mush. More tears gushed out from her eyes, and she barely had the time to supress it before it turned bright red. Blood. She was crying blood. She blinked, then realised that it was an illusion. Her tears were clear now. But Lauren didn't care about her physical well-being. She was entirely focused on her regret. A few moments ago, Lauren, because of her inexcusable memory, had forgotten who her best friend was. And now, she had found that Briar was leaving, and she had chosen to owl her of all people to talk about it. Then another voice in her mind told her to stop dreaming and think of reality. Briar probably owled it to a lot of different people as well. But Lauren didn't care; she didn't think about how other people might also be sad about her disappearance, just what she felt. The sadness it caused. BRIAR PROBABLY SUFFERED MORE THAN YOU DID! A voice in her mind piped up. YET YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FELT LIKE YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON TO BE SAD BECAUSE OF THIS. LOOK AT BRIAR'S TEARS WHEN WRITING IT! YET SHE MANAGED TO ATTEMPT TO STAY POSITIVE IN THIS LETTER JUST FOR YOU! SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE TOO SAD. SHE TRIED TO TELL YOU THAT NOTHING COULD DRIVE YOU APART. SHE TRIED TO POINT OUT THAT MAYBE YOU BOTH CAN MEET AGAIN -- But no! We can't, because of my fucking family members! We can't meet again in the future! We're permanently seperated! All those memories -- all those times we have been together -- they were all unreal! The only real thing is that we're seperated now! Why did Briar's dad have to enforce such a thing? Why did he have to make life so difficult for both me and her? Why? Why did he have to do this? Nobody ever wanted this to happen! Why did her mother have to split up! So selfish! BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU? The voice said again. YOU'RE EVEN MORE SELFISH THAN SHE IS! FORGETTING WHO SHE WAS, FOR GOD'S SAKE! FORGETTING! LOSS OF MEMORY! EVERYBODY WILL HATE YOU FOR THIS, EVEN MORE THAN SHE IS HATED! YOU ARE THE WORST THING TO HAVE EVER HAPPENED TO THIS WORLD. WORST. WORST! YOU'RE EVEN MORE SELFISH! EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE, OR SO YOU THOUGHT, WAS ABOUT YOU! NO 'OTHER PEOPLE'! YOU THOUGHT THAT THE WORLD EVOLVED AROUND YOU, AND SO DID BRIAR'S MOTHER! YOU BOTH ARE THE SAME! YOU DON'T CARE! You don't care. That was the hardest part of it all. To have a voice in her mind, even if it was misleading, tell her that she didn't care about all this. That she was okay with all this happening. But she wasn't, and Lauren's tears alone could tell anyone that. Her pain was overwhelming; now, not only did she have to deal with her family, but also her best friend's departure. Did she always have to be the one to suffer? She hated all this. She just wanted to be... to be normal. But everyone else is probably also suffering, she told herself. NOT JUST YOU, YOU MANGY BEAST! She blinked. Yes, she was one. She was a beast. Always thinking about herself and never others. She was so god-damn self-centered. Yet Briar had accepted her. Briar had been her best friend all along. Briar was always there for her. But not now! she wailed in her mind. Never now! I'll never get to see her again! Did Lauren Loratrix Vanes really deserve so much suffering? Perhaps. But it wasn't all her fault that Briar had to leave. It was her parents', and theirs alone. It was Briar's mother's fault for leaving her and her father. And Briar's father's fault for insisting that their family move away from her mother. Perhaps Lauren's view was just incredibly biased, but they always were and always had been. Then the voices came back. NO, it's YOUR fault, they seemed to say. Maybe Briar would never have left if you had met up with her earlier in the summer instead of Rosie! Maybe you could've stayed by her side and spend amazing moments together! It's all your stupid fault! If you had stuck to her like a beetle stuck to a leaf, she might never have left! And all this doesn't just cause pain for you -- it causes pain for everyone who knows Briar! You could've made a difference, but you didn't! Just imagine how much better it would be if you spent the summer with her instead of Rosie -- she wasn't even by your side the whole time! Yet Briar was! She never left you! She never told you that she hated you! She only supported, cared for, and loved you! She remembered the message Briar had hidden in her letter. Some of the letters were bolded and capitalised, and when she put the letters together, they spelt a sentence -- I will always love you. And she always did in the past. The sole knowledge that her best friend had loved her so much to hide that in her last letter to her made Lauren want to crumble to the ground with the guilt as she remembered how she had forgotten Briar over the time she spent with Rosie. Rosie hadn't even been a true friend, but it had been all Lauren's fault. But then again, if Lauren did the same thing to Briar (which she never would because she loved Briar too much for that), Briar would never have said the vile words that had come out of the other Slytherin's mouth. No, she would've felt defeated, decided that all hope was lost, and throw herself off the Astronomy Tower. She knew her bestie long enough to see that she wasn't someone who would do the same to Lauren, but would instead inflict her emotions on herself. She wasn't someone who would hurt anyone else. Lauren felt dizzy with guilt. She would. She would do both. Remembering the time she vandalised the portraits when she was overwhelmed by anger back in Hogwarts, Lauren could feel her heart clench. She was evil. Unlike Briar. Evil. EVIL! YOU NEVER DESERVED HER! YOU NEVER DESERVED BRIAR HAZEL ANDERSON AS YOUR BESTIE! SHE WAS ALWAYS TOO GOOD FOR YOU! SHE WAS SO HEAVENLY, AN ANGEL THAT COULDN'T BE DESCRIBED BY SHEER WORDS! YET YOU ARE A DEMON! YOU ARE A MONSTER! YOU ARE THE WORLD'S MOST SNIVELLING, WORTHLESS CREATURE WHEN YOU STAND NEXT TO HER! YOU NEVER DESERVED THIS FRIENDSHIP! MAYBE THIS IS FATE'S WAY OF TELLING YOU THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE IT, THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE HER, THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING! AND RIGHTFULLY SO! YOU NEVER DESERVED ANYTHING! YOU'RE A HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A PERSON! OR MAYBE... OR MAYBE SHE JUST COULDN'T STAND YOU! MAYBE SHE WAS TOO DISGUSTED BY YOUR EXISTENCE THAT SHE WOULD RATHER GIVE UP HER PAST JUST TO GET AWAY FROM YOU! THINK ABOUT HOW TERRIBLE OF A PERSON YOU ARE -- NO, 'TERRIBLE' ISN'T ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE YOU, BEAST! SHE MIGHT BE LEAVING BECAUSE SHE HATES YOU, BUT THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD WRECK HER LIFE IF YOU KNEW! REMEMBER, SHE KNOWS THAT YOU VANDALISED THE PORTRAITS, SHE KNOWS IT! SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE! AND THAT'S THE MOST JUSTIFIED THING A PERSON CAN EVER THINK OR SAY! LOOK AT HOW GREAT OF AN ANGEL SHE IS! DESPITE ALL THAT HATRED, SHE STILL DECIDED TO CONVINCE YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT THE WORTHLESS, UNDESERVING CREATURE YOU PROVED YOURSELF SO MANY TIMES TO BE! SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL ANY WORSE THAN YOU ALREADY DO BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO LEAVE YOU IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU AREN'T GOING TO HATE YOURSELF FOR THAT, BECAUSE SHE'S JUST KIND! AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL HER YOUR BEST FRIEND! YOU. DON'T. DESERVE. HER! YOU NEVER DID! Lauren froze as the realisation sunk in to her. The sheer possibility of her bestie leaving just so that Lauren wouldn't be in her life once more. She didn't want to admit it, but it was highly likely. With all her dislikability and unpredictable behaviors, everyone who she knew was bound to hate her some day. She just knew it, because she had seen how her aunt had switched sides and was now forcing her to apologise. As of right now, she was the only one in the family would could stand talking to Lauren and having her in her sight. Maybe she was right about Lauren having to apologise. She sighed. She really didn't like to admit it, but it felt to her as though everyone was distancing themselves from her. There really was something -- just something -- not right about her. Including how her thoughts and feelings switched so rapidly. She had sometimes -- no, most of the time -- thought that she, Lauren, was in the right and everyone who opposed her was in the wrong. Sometimes -- no, most of the time, she was just... just confident. Wanting to seek revenge. Acting like a true Slytherin and plotting behind her targets' backs. She had been a hurt sister who just wanted revenge and to inflict her pain on the people that had caused her to be hurt. She just wanted to make everyone suffer for what her siblings had done to her. She had spent most of her life thinking that, which was probably because of what her aunt had told her, a year ago. That she wasn't worthless. That she had potential. That she would make an excellent witch in the future. Maybe she had been lying to Lauren, or maybe she genuinely believed that at that time. Then again, when she was small, when the majority of her family started hating on her, Aunt Loratrix had always took her side. Because she wasn't a true monster back then -- just a little girl who was unrightfully tormented by her family. She didn't do anything inherently wrong. She was just born a Parselmouth, something she couldn't control, and had quite a dramatic first instance of magic. It was something the majority of people could forgive her for. The members of the Vanes family had just... overreacted. And that was all. She had been carrying all that bitterness for quite some time now. She had been plotting revenge wherever she went and openly shared it to anyone who bothered to listen. And most certainly the category of 'anyone who bothered to listen' had included Briar Hazel Anderson, but she had never once been mad or annoyed with her ever before. She had been supportive, the quickest to show her agreement in her plans and the first to help her in it. She managed a weak smile that didn't reach her eyes when she thought of the time she and Briar had pushed their respective siblings into the lake. That had been... the old times. And she would never get to see her best friend again. But maybe Briar didn't want to see Lauren again, and to Lauren, it was fair. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve the friendship of the most angelic person in the universe. She never did. She was just being tolerated for all that time. Nobody in this world would have liked her. She was probably hated by everyone who ever lived. Because she never deserved anyone's liking. She never deserved anyone's love. And she never deserved life. Nor did she deserve such a heartfelt letter from Briar. The doubts about her best friend hating her in secret began to falter as she remembered the message Briar had written on the letter. Heartfelt. The message in her letter, 'I will always love you.' She wouldn't have lied; she was always the angel who you believed her to be, regardless of what you were. She was never a demon, and anyone could be sure of that, a voice in her head told her, and Lauren didn't even try to resist it. The voices telling her that she was, in truth, hated by her best friend were lying. They were never real. Briar's love for her was real. That and only that. Guilt flooded her heart yet again as she remembered how she had accused her best friend of hating her (in her mind, of course, because she would never say it out loud because it would damage their connection). There could only have been one reason for that. Lauren wasn't thinking sense because she was too overwhelmed by sadness about Briar's leaving that her brain stopped functioning. She was the worst choice of best friend Briar could ever have made. She had let her emotions cloud her judgement and mislead her to think that Briar hated her when she never did. She opened her mouth to apologise as she always did, then with a sickly lurch she remembered that Briar wasn't there. She wouldn't be, anymore. She looked at Briar's owl for comfort, then found out that the owl had already fluttered away when she was deep in her thoughts and was now nowhere to be seen. The tiniest splinter of comfort was gone now. With the letter destroyed, there was nothing in Lauren's possessions that could ever give her a trace, a memory, of Briar Anderson. WHY? Was she so undeserving as to not even deserve to keep the slightest trace of the bestie that she would never see in her life again? Maybe she was. Then she shook her head and repeated the words clearly. Yes. I was. I never deserved anything. I never deserved her. I never deserved Briar. Never! She had to go. She was just too good for me. Somehow, repeating these thoughts in her head made Lauren more able to accept reality. That Briar and her were just... somehow, not destinied to be together because their worth didn't match. One was an angel, while the other was... a piece of trash that lingered around which wasn't thrown out yet. Then she remembered how she thought that her and Briar's fates were entertwined in the first day of school, when she had been naturally attracted to her despite her house and even followed her to the Ravenclaw table. She wouldn't have done that for anyone. For anyone but that goddess. For the one person that she, as of this moment, genuinely and truly looked up too. She felt her vision swimming again, blurry beneath the tears that had managed, against all odds, to get themselves out of Lauren's eye sockets. She tried not to care about them and pushed the thought away. She was going to give the memories of her first encounter with her bestie her full attention. FATE WAS LYING! Or maybe, it wasn't. Maybe the two of them were destinied to be together after all, and this had all been misleading. Maybe there would be a miracle sometime soon. Maybe. But Lauren, knowing her luck, dared not put her hopes up. Right now, even the blowing of wind could not be heard in her room. All was silent, and that meant Lauren Loratrix Vanes was utterly and truly alone. Even the voices that had so often inhabited her mind seemed to have left her at the thought of a miracle. Was that a full rejection of the prospect of a miracle? Lauren didn't know, but the answer was, most likely, a 'yes'. |
yada yada yada |
| interacting; @me |  |
lauren; parseltongue; others; thoughts |  |
date; 31.08.26 |  |
wc; 6,201/200 |
- permission granted to godmod briar anderson -
Last edited by Lauren Vanes on 22 Aug 2026, 15:52, edited 5 times in total.
| 𝓼𝓽𝓪 2 | 𝓮𝓿𝓪 3 | 𝓼𝓽𝓻 1 | 𝔀𝓲𝓼 8 | 𝓪𝓻𝓬 8 | 𝓪𝓬𝓬 8 | XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX | lauren vanes | parselmouth |
| ❝kill them with success and bury them with a smile.❞ |
You Never Deserved Her!
- content warning: features anxiety; depression; brief suicidal thoughts -
────────────────────────x❝i'm pathetic. i'm worthless. i'm undeserving. i'm a monster.❞parselmouth. slytherin. the makings of a disgrace.x───────────────────────────────
| yada yada yada | 𝕸iracles didn't exist, and Lauren Loratrix Vanes had learnt it the hard way. It had been four hours since she received Briar's letter, and was in no progress of getting over the harsh truth. It stung her like swarming, angry wasps, a hundred stings per second, and the pain was as vivid as being sliced into a thousand -- no, million pieces. Everything still hurt, if not more than before. Briar's sudden departure was her fault. She had to experience the truth that she, Lauren Loratrix Vanes, had caused her best friend -- and everyone else -- this profound sadness. She couldn't bear it. Even though it had not been her fault in the first place, the young blonde still treated it like it was. But in truth, it wasn't in any way connected to her flaws, despite their overflowing numbers. Selfishness. Wrath. Envy. And that was when she realised that she had, very much, envied her best friend in everything. She was amazing. She was an angel. She was loved by everyone, and had a happy family until this day. She had managed to enjoy five more years of familial love than she, Lauren, did. But currently, Briar's familial situation was almost the same as hers, and she knew that. She knew that her best friend had endured the same amount of pain, if not more, than she, Lauren, did. She had to bear the weight of knowing that her father hated her mother and that the family would be permanently broken. That there would be nothing, absolutely nothing, that anyone could do to save Briar's family. Lauren would have loved to see her own family breaking down. It would be more of justice; the torture inflicted upon her put to light. She would no longer have to suffer under the prolonged wrath of her parents. And she would have given anything to see that they, too, had gone through suffering, hate each other, and went in their own seperate ways. Then they would be no one to torment Lauren any longer. She could enjoy her life like a normal person. That was, if the voices in her mind would just shut the fuck up, which was unlikely. They were louder than ever today, flooding her mind with words of self-hatred and hate towards both hers and Briar's family. Even though she was quite positive, at that moment, that Briar's dad had been completely in the wrong, her family was still to blame, for the way that they had treated her. They were in the wrong. And there had to be justice. It had never come to her. At least, she didn't think so in this moment. She would have loved nothing more than to slice Briar's father into pieces and make him endure the agony her inflicted onto others (mainly her). She knew that she was immensely selfish in her part by shifting all the blame to Briar's father, when perhaps the only thing he did wrong was to neglect the feelings of his daughter. He had thought that it was all just for the best of the Anderson family, regardless of how it probably affected Briar (and she, Lauren, most of all. She hated him). She knew, however, that she was just as much to blame. If it hadn't been for her selfishness and tendency to put blame on Briar's father, things might have come out... smoother for her. Briar tried to be optimistic. She knew how much of a dramatic reaction Lauren would have, and had tried her best in the letter to surpress her. Briar cared deeply about her; that was an undeniable truth. But she knew that she did not deserve it; no, not at all. She was worthless and self-centered, only thinking of her own pain. But she tried not to be. She tried to put her mind back to the other people; Briar, for instance, who would also have to deal with the harsh, unbearable truth that she most likely wouldn't see Lauren again. Then she reminded herself that she didn't deserve to be liked. The voices would erupt in that very moment, flooding her mind (and potentially would have caused an explosion). YOU NEVER DESERVED HER! SHE WAS ALWAYS TOO GOOD FOR YOU! SHE SHOULD HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A DAMN MONSTER! YOU DON'T DESERVE HER CARE! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE GENUINE FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN YOU AND BRIAR! BRIAR HAD ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE PUTTING HER ARMS AROUND YOU, WAY MORE THAN YOU DID FOR HER! EVERYTHING WAS YOUR WORLD; YOUR WORLD AND NOTHING ELSE! NOTHING ELSE, NOT EVEN BRIAR HAZEL ANDERSON, RIGHT? WHEN YOU'RE THE CENTER OF HERS, WHEN YOU'RE THE PERSON WHO LEAST DESERVES IT! YOU DON'T DESERVE FRIENDSHIP! YOU DON'T DESERVE LOVE! YOU DON'T DESERVE SUPPORT FROM ANYONE OR ANYTHING! YOU'RE A MONSTER THROUGH AND THROUGH! YOU'RE WORTHLESS! YOU FIND FAULT WITH EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE VANES FAMILY, WHEN YOU ALSO HAVE IT! YOU THINK THEY'RE STUPID BUT YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN THEY ARE! YOU DON'T DESERVE YOUR FRIENDS! YOU DON''T DESERVE ANYONE -- NO, NOT A SINGLE SOUL IN THIS UNIVERSE -- TO EVER LIKE OR RESPECT OR ADMIRE YOU! YOU. JUST. FUCKING. DON'T. DESERVE. IT. She knew all of it, and she didn't object with the voices in her mind. It was true, every bit of it, to her, anyways. She didn't deserve Briar as a best friend. She was worthless; a monster, and she didn't deserve such an angelic being to even notice her, let alone be friends with her, let alone be best friends with her. Best friends. Her thoughts drifted back to exactly four hours ago, when the memory of their first meeting flashed through her mind. Briar admired her. Respected her. It had been something that had never happened to her before in her past eleven years of life. And she had respected and idolised her back -- perhaps even more than what Briar did to her. But it was unlikely that she would never see Briar again -- no, it was certain that she would never. And miracles never happened to her. She was, quite plainly, the embodiment of bad luck. Do I deserve it, even? She started to question herself, and immediately, the voices in her mind piped up and chanted, OF COURSE YOU DID, DAMNED CREATURE! YOU DON'T DESERVE ANY GOOD THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO YOU! YOU DON'T DESERVE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP OR ANY MIRACLE! YOU DESERVE TORTURE, BITCH, YOU KNOW IT! YOU DESERVE TORTURE AND SUFFERING BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST SUCH A MONSTER! ONE THAT THE WORLD SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH! A typical reply from the voices in her mind. Lauren knew better than to expect something that would calm her, but she couldn't think clearly. The reality that she might never see her best friend, Briar, again had hit her with such force that no one else could ever imagine. But Lauren knew pain more than just about anything, and it was something that clung to her wherever she went. Even in her last moments, pain would always be with her. They were inseperable. WHY CAN'T I JUST STICK TO BRIAR LIKE THE - THE OVERWHELMING AGONY STICKS TO ME? Because you fucking don't deserve it, dumbass. By now, she had truly accept that reality, imposed by the venomous voices in her head, yet much as she despised the voices, she could not bring herself to think clearly. The voices in her head, the evil forces seeking to destroy her, were increasing in her head. And they attacked her when she was most vulnerable. Lauren had never felt more vulnerable than she was in her life before, except perhaps when her family started hating on her. But she had grown used to it now. No vulnerable feelings; just the harsh reality. It was normal. She just wished that Briar could be back with her again, but the hope was dimming in her mind every second like the sky. It turned darker than ever, blackness covering everything that lay above. For a second, she looked out at the window, then back at her silky white bed, and understood the contrast. Yet in the darkness, her bed seemed to jeer at her with the light emitting on it, mocking her for her suffering. She had never expected that even her own bed would turn against her, but it was hard to feel betrayed at the moment. It was just... a standardised emotion. Her silky bed looked like her aunt. Someone she admired at first, but switched sides as soon as the majority of the family offered her a better standing within the family if she hated her, too, and forced her into humiliation. She just wanted to look good. She just so simply cared more about her reputation than her niece's happiness and emotions. To her, Lauren didn't matter. She was just a tool when she needed her, tossed away when she didn't. No, she was, indeed, a tool for her family when she forced her to apologise to the family. But Lauren didn't want to be one. She knew better to ask herself if she truly deserved it this time. She was sure that the voices in her head would always agree to the fact that she, Lauren Loratrix Vanes, was undeserving of everything, including life itself, and was tired of it. She quickly pushed the thought away, hoping that the voices in her head wouldn't overload again. The last thing she needed in her life was extra trauma, and it looked like she was heading right towards it. Which was just, plainly, the greatest thing that could ever have happened to her. She just so despised the voices in her head, wishing that they weren't exist. If they were what she got to replace of Aunt Loratrix, who was as stupid as a doorbell, then she would've rathered that she got on by herself without some sort of 'guide'. She didn't need it, and she was independent. She knew how to do things by herself all two well, and both of them -- her aunt and the voices -- had caused nothing but trauma for the young blonde that year. Nothing but trauma. And sadness. She just hated everything. She just wished that the voices in her head didn't exist, that her aunt didn't exist, that her aunt didn't exist, that Briar would be back with her, that her dad didn't exist because it was he who dragged her into this mess, that... she just didn't exist because she never liked herself anyway and that she just hated her life. If someone dared her to jump out of the window, she would have done so without execution, perhaps even shouting a 'thank you'. She just wished that life was normal. That it was simple. A twelve year old didn't deserve this sort of torture, or did she? YOU DO DESERVE THIS TORTURE! YOU'RE A MONSTER, AND MONSTERS DESERVE TORTURE! YOU'RE SELFISH, YOU'RE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD, YOU'RE WORTHLESS, YOU'RE UNDESERVING! YES YOU DO DESERVE ALL THE TORTURE AND SUFFERING IN THE WORLD! YOU DESRVE IT, ALL OF THEM! Defeated, she sighed, silently pleading that the voices in her mind would just end and that everything would be done with. She looked at the remains of Briar's letter, turned to icky mush, but she really couldn't care less in this moment. It was the last memory she had of Briar, that was in her hands. Even though she was still alive, she felt like her best friend was gone, and would never return to her. It felt... it felt the same as Briar dying. She wouldn't have noticed the difference if she died instead of left- NO, OF COURSE YOU WILL! A voice in her mind responded with absolute horror, and at once Lauren knew that it was right. Briar dying was... unthinkable. No. She could not let this happen. She would rather die a hundred times than let Briar die once. She, Lauren's life was unimportant. It didn't matter one bit. No one would notice if she disappeared. She hated herself for thinking all that, and realised that it had all just been her selfishness at that moment. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING SELFISH? For once, there was no reply, but she could feel as if the voices in her head were thinking, 'she just is, no one can help her with that'. And she knew that she was just... selfish. It was the definition of 'Lauren Loratrix Vanes'. She hated it, but she knew that she had to accept the harsh truth, agonising it might be. But the pain was like a slap -- a minor one -- when compared to the fact that she had told herself that she wouldn't notice the difference if Briar died or not. She just loathed herself and wished that she could just disappear. Why did she only think of herself all the time? She was so fucking worthless, and had no doubt that everyone in the world would know that by now. She bit her lip as hard as she could in frustration and hatred, not knowing that she had accidentally created a wound in her bottom lip. It stung like crazy, and a metallic taste filled her mouth. For some reason, though, it didn't taste... as bad as she would have imagined, which was quite concerning. No, her bodily issues weren't important. Nothing about her was ever important. She was always worthless. Undeserving. And a monster. It was just so simply the definition of her, regardless how much she hated it. She bit further into her lip, quite forgetting that she had wounded it a split second ago before she had gotten lost in her self-deprecating thoughts. It always seemed to distract her, and she knew that she had no escape from it. How could a person escape from something that was in their head? Lauren didn't know. She simply felt trapped under all the voices in her head, holding her in the torture she despised so much. Yet somehow she knew that they were right; always right. They told her that she was worthless, undeserving, pathetic, a monster, and god knows what else, yet she knew that they were true, and never doubted it the slightest. She was quite used to that fact. The voices had thought the worst of her, and so did she. It was just, however, manipulation she would never get out of. A drop of blood dropped to the ground of her room, dark red against the pure white. She hissed in annoyance and threw a tissue down on it. It hurt, and her mouth was overflowing with the metallic taste already. It started to taste bad, then worse, until she couldn't bear it anymore. She thought of going to the bathroom to wash her mouth, but that was when she caught sight of the clock. Eleven in the evening. She had already skipped dinner without realising it, but she wasn't hungry. She thought of sneaking into the toilet and to spit all the blood out, but she didn't want to risk any chance of anyone seeing her in the corridors in this condition. Dried tears were all over her cheek, and she had only just realised that she had not wiped it. She cursed, remembering that she had not brought her mirror. Then she took out and examined it, almost dropping the mirror in fright. Even the voices in her mind were too stunned by her appearance. The girl was far too used to her billowing blonde hair, her icy, piercing blue gaze, and rosy cheeks. Despite all the blood, Lauren's cheeks were a pale white, with transparent, dried tears on it that looked like ice. Her lips were blood-red and puffy from all that she had been through, but her eyes were... just... hollow. As if Briar had just died -- REPEAT. AFTER. ME. BRIAR. HAZEL. ANDERSON. IS. ALIVE. AND. YOU. ARE. NOT. GOING. TO. MAKE. THIS. STATEMENT. FALSE. She hated thinking of it and of her earlier mistake, so she decided to aim her focus back at her appearance. She looked like a true monster now -- puffy eyes and lips, white cheeks, transparent tape-like tears on cheeks and blue eyes that lacked the blazing determination it always possessed. She hated every bit about how she looked in that moment. In the moments of thought, apparently, Lauren had managed to swallow the blood that had gushed into her mouth, not needing to spit it out. She was dizzier than ever after the day's happenings, and grabbed what remained of Briar's letter. The last memory of her the Slytherin would have left. Her best friend would always be in her spirit, whether she was present beside her or not. She held it close to her, and despite the discomfort she felt as she held the mush, she managed to feel some warmth as she clutched it, not letting go. She sank onto her silky bed, and attempted to close her eyes. She managed to get one glance at the clock. Twelve now, and she knew she would have to sleep. She had enough of herself and the voices in her mind for a day. The metallic taste in her mouth was emphasised further. She didn't feel comfortable having the taste in her mouth when she slept, so she decided to go to the bathroom if she wanted to keep herself hygenic. She hated looking like an absolute freak, but in that moment, a voice in her mind decided to speak up, and for once it actually spoke sense. It won't look better in the morning just because you ignored it for a day, it said. You'll just look worse, and you'll have to get out of this white room eventually. It's better to do it at night; the chances of bumping into any member of the family is smaller than in the daytime. She knew the voice was right (for once). She didn't know how the voices in her mind became so sensible, but even in this state, she knew enough that they were never going to let her go. They simply despised her, and the young Slytherin knew it. They were intent on making her miserable, and they had always succeeded. It would be unthinkable of the voices in her head to give up on that and start making her life better by suggesting ways to not embarrass her. No, it's just because they can't think properly, much like me, at this time of the day. But if they can't think properly, why should you do what it says? It might be dangerous -- very, indeed! You could be led into danger with the official members of the Vanes family! It might have been lying! Somehow, even though the voices practically lived in her mind, Lauren could not see what they were thinking, and were unable to read their thoughts. It felt as if the voices were seperate beings altogether, ones that despised her more than anything, yet she could never run from their wrath, because wherever she went, they would always be there. Always. She felt as trapped as the fly buzzing around the ceiling, black against white. She hardly took any notice of it, however. She circled back to her initial thoughts, and pursed her lips. It might have been lying, but the voice in her head, regardless of its state, had told her what would have improved her near future (that meant tomorrow). She knew, wholeheartedly, that she needed the toilet, to rinse her mouth, to brush her teeth, and... everything. Besides, what could have been worse than receiving that letter from Briar? She didn't think that anything else could ruin her life or make it worse, not even the members of the Vanes family. It wouldn't have been possible. Hoping that she was right and nothing could make her feel worse than what had just happened a thousand hours ago (even though it still felt like it was a second ago), the young blonde opened the door of her room. She flinched as the white light of her somewhat pleasant room mixed with the darkness of outside. She fought the urge to close the door again, forget everything, even the metallic taste, and hop right back into bed. No, 'hop' wasn't the right word. At this condition, Lauren would never know how to hop again. She was the definition of 'depressed and traumatised' at the moment. Annoyance with the urge to close the door only made her quicker to push it fully open. The white light of her room had lightened the darkness, though she could only see the silhouette of what seemed to be the bathroom. She yanked her door shut, letting out her intense emotions, and only then did she remember that she wasn't supposed to wake her family. Then she remembered that nothing worse than the knowledge of Briar's leaving could happen to her that day. Fortunately (which was not a word in Lauren's dictionary), her family was too stupid to even think that Lauren, of all people, would be roaming around the toilet at this hour. The Slytherin ran into it, almost colliding headfirst at the door, and felt sickly as her eyes drifted to the toilet bowl. Then she spat out blood. It flowed into the toilet, and Lauren managed not to bite her lip in disgust. She did not need to lose any more blood. She grabbed her toothbrush, brushed her teeth without even looking at the mirror once, and rinsed her mouth in crystal-clear water, which, quite naturally, turned red when she spit it out. Yet she couldn't help biting her lip in frustration, which only led to the red turning darker. Not long after, she gave up on it, and convinced herself (with indirect help from the voices in her head) that whatever happened to her lip wasn't important. Then she put back everything in its right place, nothing a nanometer away from where it was supposed to go, and shut the bathroom door behind her. The metallic taste in her mouth was more bearable, but she still had to eat some mints to be able to close her eyes. As she did, thoughts of Briar re-entered her mind, but it didn't leave her emotional like it would normally. Instead, it mentally drained her, for reasons she did not know why. Before she realised it, sleep came, and stayed a full minute in a dreamless state. It was the best minute of sleep she ever had. But good things never lasted long, and Lauren found herself pulled into... the worst nightmare she ever had, and that was talking Lauren Loratrix Vanes. One would think that Briar's disappearance would have to do with it, and they were certainly right. ═══════════════ A cool breeze gently made its way to Lauren's face, and she woke up, startled, on a... cliff. The atmosphere, to her surprise, was peaceful. Waves lapped beyond her, sending steady ripples across the blue-green water. Beneath the sunlight, they looked like the surface of a large diamond, glinting underneath the light-blue sky that stretched across the horizon. Not a cloud was in sight; only blue, the same blue, stretched across the universe above her. There was no darkness; only light. The Slytherin didn't spot anyone in sight. No trace of the messy, unnatural movement of humans or animals were seen nor heard, and all that was left was the tranquil. The wind that blew gently across Lauren's cheek; the waves that lapped at pebbles on the cliffshore beyond; the glint of the sun directing itself on the water, turning the cliff into a place that not one being, human or animal, couldn't recognise. Paradise. Lauren breathed in the salty scents of the cliff, and was the best thing she experienced in years. She had forgotten what even a tinge of happiness felt like, what it felt to be loved, to be cherished. She forgot all the positivity in the world, until she reached this heavenly paradise. It was Eden, with scents of nature; the ocean, the rocks, the trees that provided a shade, promising comfort to all who trusted it. They would lie under an embodiment of protection, all the sadness, guilt, self-loathing vanishing quicker than light. The voices in her head were of no more. They could not cope with such beauty when they are the definition of evil, bad will, and negativity. They could not stand a moment of paradise when they were so deeply rooted in hate, in anger, towards a mere twelve-year-old who had done nothing wrong, deserved nothing less than love and care, yet none of them both were provided for her; not, after committing mistakes which she could not even control, such as being able to communicate with snakes, getting sorted into the house her family so despised, and singing her bedside table and nearly killing her family cat even when he had started it all. This paradise had shown to her that it had never been her fault; that she had never been in the wrong. Rather, it had been her family's misjudgement, their lack of intellect, that caused Lauren such sadness and trauma. She had not caused it, not even participated in the act of causing her sadness. She was, just so simply, the victim. The twelve-year-old who had to pay for her family's mistakes because of her sheer luck. It was the worst in the world, and paradise was sorry for her. They provided her with beauty, the best things ever in the world, for a change. They provided her with warmth, with love, with positivity. And she loved every bit of it. Lauren managed to mouth a 'thank you' towards the wind which provided her with yet another gust of coolness. It slapped at her cheek, but was the best thing that had ever happened to her undeserving face. Cooled by wind, forever devoted to serve you and only you... it was the best thing a person could ever experience, and for once, Lauren smiled. Genuinely. A ray of sunshine had escaped the turbulent and dark Slytherin she was, and had turned her into... an angel. Like Briar. She... she was proud of herself for earning her way here, and truly believed that she were to reunite with her best friend, Briar. She wanted that more than anything else in the world, and would have gladly given up more than half of the years in her life to be able to see Briar again. Believing that she would be around the cliff somewhere, Lauren made up her mind to search the area for Briar later, wishing to enjoy herself under the tree first. She loved her view of the ocean below, diamond-coloured tides rushing one after another at a steady speed. Not one came too fast or too slow, and everything was rhythmic. Perfectly rhythmic, as she liked it. The young blonde had an immense liking for tidiness and liked everything being put in their right place, and that nothing was out of where they should be. She recalled the time in her dormitory when her sleep was delayed by three whole hours because she needed everything in the right place. But she really couldn't stand it otherwise, and fortunately for her, the paradise had thought of that too. The waves were not rushed and were exactly where they were supposed to be. It was just too bad that her belongings, such as her wand, books and trunk, did not have the exact same logic of which she and the paradise cliff possessed. It had changed her into believing that she was deserving after all. That she did deserve love and care and friendship, as it were the one place when the voices in her mind did not dare attack her. She had control over them now. Nothing, nothing in this cliff, would ever disappoint her or show her that the old ways were right. They weren't, and Lauren knew it now. She doubted, however, that the voices would believe the same. Yet the cliff was not without downsides, despite its heavenly offerings to Lauren. They had changed her, yes, in a positive way, but all the things that had made her her were gone. She was, by definition, an overthinker, a self-loather, and a disgraceful daughter, according to the members of the Vanes family, but she had long left the fact behind her. Despite not having to do anything to get into the cliff, which she, after enjoying the luxury for a feel moments, decided to nickname 'Cliff of Paradise', she had felt that she earned the reward. When all that she had done the night before was to cry. She had hated herself. She had loved Briar (in the way best friends would love and care for each other), only for her to be snatched away from her. She had believed that she had done something wrong for this to have happen. Yet here she was, forgetting everything that had happened quicker than ever. In her mind, she was deserving. She was important. She was heavenly enough to be accepted into the 'Cliff of Paradise'. She was good enough. She was appreciated. At last. Unbeknownst to her, many other people who weren't Briar had admired her greatly, but she had always assumed that they hated her and accused everyone, even Briar, of hating her, in her mind. Even though Briar had so openly told her that she was loved, that she was cared for, by none other than her, with the secret 'I will always love you' message on top of all that, Lauren had failed to believe it. She had still believed that it was some sort of lie to make her feel better. No. Briar was her best friend. She'd known her for a year now; she was the person that she would least expect a lie from. Stop hallucinating, she told herself, and the voices in her mind didn't even bother to chime in. That brightened her spirits, and was enough to put the accusations of Briar hating her out of her mind. She looked up to immerse herself in the beauty of the Cliff of Paradise, to enjoy it. She knew that something so amazing would not last long, and decided to make the most of it. Based on her experience, everything she liked or loved had been taken away from her. It was just her luck. She had learnt enough that amazing things would not last long from Briar's letter. She had told her that she was leaving Hogwarts and London behind, to another, faraway place. She was the one thing in her life that kept her anchored to her mental health. Without her, she would have been fully absorbed in the hatred of her family and the hatred she had for herself. There would not be anyone to pull her out. Her time with Briar had been one of the happiest in her life, and it was all taken away from her. The best things (or people) had to go. The bad ones stayed. She thought of her family, mentally labelling her as the 'bad ones'. She would have continued to express her hatred for them in her mind, and tell herself that they deserved more, much more, than to be labelled as the 'bad ones'. They deserved suffering. They deserved pain -- the pain that she had experienced because of them. They deserved-- Why are you thinking of the Vanes family in the Cliff of Paradise? You don't need them making their way into things you love, do you? Don't pay so much attention to them! They're hateful! They don't deserve this precious space in your mind! They don't deserve to occupy it! It could have been filled with happy thoughts of the sea sounds instead! Yes, that was a voice in her mind -- but a voice with concern and love for her. No, that couldn't be possible. Or maybe they changed. This could also be a disguise, but she didn't want to think that they were intending to hurt her, now. Not when she was trying to enjoy the gifts of the Cliff of Paradise and learning what it really was. It was... it was just amazing. Her precious time spent enjoying its calming features could not be wasted because of the thoughts in her head. She had to enjoy herself. She tried to turn her full attention back to the Cliff of Paradise, and her thoughts let her. She smiled for a second, then it turned upside down. Despite what had been going on in her mind, she never let go of her smile in this place. No, not ever. She was the exact antonym of smiling in her home, but it had always been on her lips in the Cliff of Paradise. Never had it once left her, yet here it was now, her lips curled into utmost disgust and horror -- no, more horror than disgust. She could not imagine what had happened to the place she loved so much. She shook her head, thinking that it was a hallucination, but the harsh truth stared back at her, piercing. The cool wind stopped offering her comfort. She waited for things to turn normal again, for the wind to go back to its usual speed, for the waves to calm again. The girl had loved tidiness from the very start, and seeing the waves crashing without any sense of rhythm and hurtling at each other in different speeds had made her wrinkle her nose. She hated exactly how the Cliff looked like -- almost designed exactly to annoy her and make her hate it in return, too. It was the opposite of what she liked -- and thus the opposite of what the Cliff of Paradise was, originally. She didn't know why this had happened. One moment she was deep in her thoughts, and the other the change had occurred. It was... just in a millisecond. When she looked up, everything was fine, but just for a millisecond. Then everything had went wrong, and it was the exact reason why she could feel hot, unbearable smoke pushing its way into her nose and suffocating her. She gasped for breath, but the merciless smoke did not relent. It felt as if the smoke squeezed her neck and knocked the breath out of her, but she couldn't try and get any more. If she had to jump into the unorderly waves to be able to breathe normal air for once, she would, in a heartbeat. But unfortunately for her, there was no such promise, and the waves only stared all the more menacingly above towards her. They seemed to have eyes and minds of their own, with uncontrollable hatred directed at her, and solely her. The sun, warm, comforting and welcoming before, was baking her on the cliff. It burned her neck, making her wince in pain. As she looked up, it glared at her with unmistakable hatred... and a kind of longing to tackle her itself. She decided that if the sun could jump down and burn her to the death, it would, without hesitation. Why did everything have to turn against her in a heartbeat? Why couldn't everything just be... normal? Why did everything and everyone hate her so much? Was the Cliff of Paradise angry to her about something? If so, then what could that 'something' be? Despite the amount of times she repeated those questions to herself, some quicker than others, she never got answers from the voices in her mind. They had somehow chosen to remain perfectly silent and had apparently decided not to jeer at her and mock her for how the Cliff of Paradise was treating her as in this moment. Besides, she had enough to worry about without the voices in her head, and was not exactly excited for them to reappear in her mind again. No, she would have thought it paradise if it were willing to leave her to herself for the rest of her life. She just so despised having them in her mind, disturbing her every thought. She despised how the Cliff of Paradise seemed to turn against her all of a sudden, too. If there was one thing that Lauren hated thoroughly, it was betrayal. She hated being treated so nicely by the Cliff, only to be faced with such perils. She glanced at the smoke, which was still continuing its very obvious attempt at suffocating her; the waves, which were splashing everywhere and seemed to threaten to kill her if she put the idea of enjoying herself in the water in her mind. Why did everything turn against her in a sudden? She looked up, and wasn't surprised to see clouds forming words on the sky. It turned dark gray all of a sudden, far from the cheerful light blue that it had once been. The sky itself glared at her from above, as if it were itching to throw itself downwards and destroy her. The young Slytherin, despite the amount of experience she had with being treated like dust right after being treated like a queen, could not figure out why. Everything was... so sudden, without any warning. She hadn't done anything wrong to deserve being hated by the Cliff of Paradise, did she? The voices in her mind spoke at once. They were deep and growling, as if daring Lauren to undermine their authority. Because you don't deserve it, puny little arrogant girl who thinks she's the best and deserves all their special treatment. You're wrong. You're just plain wrong. Because you aren't special, and you were never supposed to be greeted with such a welcome. You were never destined for such luxury. You were born to suffer, to undergo torture, and I shall bring you back to where you belong. Say bye to paradise, and forever too, it sneered. She jumped back, almost down the cliff. Sure, the voices in her mind had, many times over, told her that she didn't deserve anything, not even life. She was used to it. But they never sneered; they always, and only, shouted and screamed at her. They had never acted like predators lying in wait, speaking to her as though she were their prey. Why did their treatment of her suddenly change, too? She really didn't know, and looked around the supposed Cliff of Paradise nervously. Hostile eyes seemed to be fixated on her, though she could never see it nor prove that it was true. It just... it just felt like it. Like she, Lauren, was being watched, all the time. Stop imagining things, puny child, a voice in her mind told her, its voice rasping like earlier. Though it's true that you always were watched, but don't you dare mistake it for being important. You never were. You were always the opposite of importance, it growled. Too bad that you didn't see it earlier. You always were hated. You always were unloved. You never deserved it, though! You never deserved love, or anything good! You always deserved negativity! Its voice was rising, and Lauren suspected that it were to raise its voice to a shout, like the old times. She didn't know whether to feel relieved or not, because she hated both versions of the voices in her head. No, she hated the sneering voice more; much more. She would much rather be slapped. Yes, that's what you deserve, a voice sneered in her mind. As if it had read her mind, it deliberately lowered the tone and had turned back to the mockery she so despised. She sighed. The voices in her mind was always determined to make her the most miserable person in the universe. She would normally have believed them and decide that the voices in her mind were right in that, but having enjoyed real paradise, even if it was only for a short period, Lauren felt... less turbulent. Slower to think that she was in the wrong, that she was undeserving. Yet there had to be something that caused the Cliff of Paradise to despite her so greatly and to so openly state their hatred. What had she done wrong, what had she done to provoke them? She glanced nervously at the sky, hoping for an answer, but it only stared back, darker than ever before. Nothing was right. It was undoubtedly true that the Cliff of Paradise had hated her more than just about anything in this world. The voices in her mind seemed to laugh with evil satisfaction at her loss. She knew paradise would hate her. It was always too good for her. Everything was always too good for her. Briar. She had to leave because she was too good for Lauren. The paradise had started hating her because it was too good for her. She was never destined for everything good. Nothing ever changed between her and her family. Did fate decide where a person should end up and if they deserved happiness or sadness, luxury or suffering? Did it alter the way of things, turning paradise upside-down just to teach her, Lauren, that she wasn't important, that everything she loved or like will be taken away from her? Did it decide where her life was going to lead, and even when she faced miracles, such as this cliff, fate would always find a way to stop her from... just being happy? Everyone else was cheerful in every day of the summer holidays in her family. Yet she couldn't be. She could never be. She had to accept that paradise and her just didn't match. They would never be found together, ever. And the voices in her head or her family, no matter who her tormentors were, would always find a way to make her miserable. She didn't know why everything and everyone just hated her so much and just wanted to ruin her life and everything she held dear, but that was reality, and Lauren could never escape it. If she tried, the next thing she could see was probably it blocking her path. She was trapped, almost like a criminal in Azkaban. But she hadn't done anything wrong, had she? How could a twelve-year-old commit such a dreadful crime as to deserve all the treatment she was receiving? No, she hadn't. She didn't commit any crime. It was just a lack of luck. But something told her that it was more, much more, than just that. Something evil seemed to be lurking in her; something she could not see nor sense herself, but everyone else could, and hated her for it. She was dying to know what the evil was, but she would never know. Only others could tell her, and she knew that they would never. That they hated her. That everyone hated her. The paradise was willing to turn itself into hell just to spite her. Was she really that worth hating? Yes, of course, stupid fucker, said the voice in her mind. It was soft and sneering, exactly like that of before, with a deep hatred tinged in every syllable. No one likes you. Nothing is about you. You're not important enough, but the Cliff didn't turn itself into hell because of you. Stop thinking you're so great and that you're a queen. You're not. Accept it. You've done too many wrong things by being selfish, the cliff is just punishing you for it, but there must be something else. You can't be the only reason. Because you're pathetic, you can't even qualify for evil. Some see it as a title of honour, even if you don't. You don't deserve that title, pathetic little being. She didn't even deserve being called evil. She didn't even deserve being called a monster. Even such harsh names were above her. She was alone, utterly alone, in the category of 'a mixture of evil and pathetic, an ugly creature'. She hated being the pathetic twelve-year-old she was, hating being so unimportant yet treated so badly as if she were a monster, but not monstrous enough to deserve the title of being called one. She didn't know if the voices in her mind were right, but she had the feeling that they were. The positivity she had felt because of experiencing the paradise had left her completely. All that was left was her old self, with the voices in her mind controlling her as always. But they had grown to learn how to attack her at her weakest spots and leave her more vulnerable than they ever did before. They had grown stronger, while she, Lauren, had grown weaker, believing that the paradise did indeed accept her and that she was important enough. That she was deserving of happiness, that she was just a victim of others' mistakes that she did not ask for. That she was just a victim of rotten luck and that she was an angel at heart; innocent. She knew that she was none of these things now. There would be no misguiding in her thoughts. Even the Cliff of Paradise, which had accepted her for quite a short period of time, recognised the ugliness in her that lay beyond her striking appearance; her billowing blonde hair, her icy gaze and her rosy cheeks. She was never what she seemed to be. The Cliff of Paradise hated her now, and rejected her with all they could. She could almost hear the rocks crashing with each other on purpose, as though gossiping about her being undeserving of the paradise. She agreed, finding herself nodding her head absently. She hated herself, she hated the voices in her mind, she just wished that she could go back to her room. There, she wouldn't be surrounded by the Cliff of Paradise, which hated her with every fiber of its being. She wouldn't have to hear the jeering conversation from cloud fo cloud, loudly criticising her and sending her a glare that spelt 'I want to shred you to bits. I know you deserve it more than anyone can possibly say, but I'm restrained right now so I can't and I don't want to risk my dignity'. She knew how much trouble she had caused for the Cliff of Paradise, even though she hadn't done anything wrong in this place specifically, like littering in the ocean, and wanted to leave it. But of course, she would never be allowed to. She had to stay and watch the sand shoot dirty looks at her and experience the humiliation. Okay, so she knew she deserved it, with the help of the voices in her head taking control of her mind. Repeating the 'you don't deserve it' line in her mind every second, well aware that she, Lauren, could hear it. She hated the feeling of being hated, but she too hated herself and what she had brought to the Cliff. It had nearly destroyed itself just to... bring her down with it, it seemed. In her mind, this meant that it was all her fault, because if she had never appeared in the Cliff, this would never have happened. It would have continued to be an embodiment of beauty and luxury. Hot shame prickled at her when she repeated that to herself over and over. If it weren't for her, this would never have happened. If it weren't for her, this place would still live up to its name. If it weren't for her, this place would have continued being unpolluted. She felt guilty for all that was happening beside her, and inside she longed for something to find out and sympathise with her. But nothing did, and continued to express their hate for her. It wasn't like they could see what was going on in her mind, even if she did truly feel bad for all that had happened. The voices in her head didn't shout at her anymore. Instead, they continued to criticise her, finding the most biting remarks and shouting them as loud as they could. It was torture being able to hear every word that they said, but she knew that she deserved it. She was selfish. She was self-centered. And she had caused all this. What the girl didn't know, though, was that none of this was actually her fault. The voices in her mind had merely misguided her into thinking that it was. They had been put in to serve as a guiding figure for Lauren when she was seperated from Aunt Loratrix, or when she hated her now more than anything (except for the other members of the Vanes family), but they had been the worst possible at the job. They had provided negativity instead of positivity, making the twelve-year-old utterly dislike herself. A thought popped into Lauren's mind. If I disappeared, if I died, then this wouldn't have happened! I simply cause pain and hardship for everyone! I'm selfish! I'm self-centered! The voices in my mind were right -- I don't deserve anything! I'm worthless -- no, even worse than worthless! No one would fucking care if I just disappeared! It would probably be for the better! It was hard to resist the urge to jump down from the cliff and let the waves kill her in excitement, which wouldn't be too hard for them considering their immense hatred for her. She just wished that she could vanish through the ground. The voices in her mind seemed to agree with her thought. Yes, of course no one would care, one would snarl. You're unimportant. You don't deserve life. No one would even notice if you died or disappeared. No one would even know if you ceased to exist. No, actually, everyone would be celebrating. Even Briar, who allegedly loves you as according to her letter, but does she really? Does she? A sane person won't, and she's an angel! Do you expect there to be any exceptions, Lauren Loratrix Vanes? No, of course not! She's just saying that to make you happy. And this is not an accusation. She should be praised for hating you! Privately, Lauren agreed. How would Briar even like her? It was unthinkable that she would have any friends, ever. How did Briar even set an eye on her at first? Why did she even look up to her? Those were questions that Lauren would never know the answer to. Briar had told her that she liked her. There couldn't be any mistake in her judgement, could there? Maybe if Briar liked her, then she was important! Maybe, just maybe... Fool, another voice in her mind snarled. She thought that it would have shouted by now and possibly sprang at her throat and try to end her life if it had the ability to. Unfortunately for the voices, they didn't, but it didn't stop them from giving Lauren a thorough shaking-up. She doesn't like her. Accept it. Nothing is ever about you. No one even likes you. You don't know if Briar even does. She probably hates her. Go ahead, call it an accusation, but it's most likely true. It's most likely true that she hates you more than she can ever say, just praying for a chance to get rid of you. And now she's got her chance, she's probably happier than ever. This paradise is meant for her, not for you, you stupid! Lauren looked around the Cliff again, picturing Briar in it, and then she saw her. She blinked, expecting the picture of Briar to fade, but she was there, solid as ever before. Her legs were aching to run towards her, to wrap herself around her. She was never more pleased to see her best friend. The voices in her mind were screaming at her to stay away, telling her that she was unworthy of Briar. You don't deserve her! The tone of the voices rose, and Lauren was torn between relief and dread yet again. Relief because she hated the sneering voices more than anything. And dread because she knew that she would listen to the voices in her head, no matter her willpower. It was always too weak. And there the voices were, its volume amplifying with every second, repeating the same phrase. You don't deserve her. You don't deserve her! YOU DON'T DESERVE HER! As she stared more intently at Briar, she knew that the voices were right. Briar Hazel Anderson was, and will always be, too good for her. Lauren never deserved her. Her shoulders slumped, and she sat down on the bare floor of the Cliff. Only then did she realise that she had not sat on it ever before, and the pain was searing. Immediately, she gasped and pulled herself up. Everywhere hurt, and she gritted her teeth. The Cliff of 'Paradise' was really trying to hurt her with everything it had. She was undeserving. She had caused all the hated chaos in a place that was supposed to be a symbol of paradise, and there she was, making the Cliff sacrifice what it stood for just to harm her. She felt wretched, and before her eyes, Briar sat down on the Cliff. She wanted to yowl to her, to tell her that the floor of the Cliff was like a frying pan that would cause pain, and nothing but pain. She didn't want Briar to have to suffer because of this. Briar didn't deserve it! This was the direct consequence of her mistakes, her actions, and none of it had to do with Briar. She stared up at the sky, but it only glared back at her mercilessly. I know I deserve all this, but Briar doesn't. It stayed indifferent. Her eyes widened in disbelief as she saw Briar sitting down with no difficulty. She seemed... relaxed. Unbothered by all that was happening to her. It seemed that the Cliff had provided paradise for her after all. Maybe Briar could see the Cliff as what she had seen it as moments ago -- a true symbol of luxury. If only she could look through her lenses and see what her best friend could actually see... Which you don't deserve, worthless. She knew that the voice was right, and looked back at Briar as she wanted to focus on something that wasn't the voices in her head. But as she looked at her, seemingly enjoying herself and having the time of her life, a wave soared up and engulfed Briar into its depths. As she watched in utter horror, Briar didn't even seem to notice. And there was no time to wonder if this was just a trick played on her. Surely the Cliff couldn't hate her that much as to drown Briar, too? Why didn't they drown her instead? You're not important! Go save her! There came the instructions of the voices in her head. She nodded. It was her best friend that was falling into the sea below; it was dark as the void in Lauren's eyes. And she couldn't let that happen. Briar didn't deserve it. It should be you drowning down there, not her! You, who doesn't deserve anything! You, selfish, the reason why this Cliff of Paradise isn't a paradise any longer! You're not important! She is! Just focus on saving her! You're not important -- she's worth a billion of you! Go and jump in and save her, will you? So she jumped down, her arms flailing as she reached for Briar. The voices whirled in her mind, repeating sentence after sentence, which only made the young Slytherin all the more anxious. Briar was falling down into the void, and she was the only thing that could stop her. The air was suffocating; she felt as if smoke filled her lungs, and she gasped, barely able to breath. Briar didn't even seem to notice that she was falling into the dark waves. She looked perfectly content and untroubled. Yet she, Lauren, was the exact opposite. The wind stung her ears as it plunged towards her. It hit her face as if it were ice, a contrast with the hot, frying pan-like cliff floor she had just sat on. Everything still hurt from it. And there was the ice, trying to inflict more pain to her. They wanted to break her spirit. And she... she deserved it. It was true that none of the things Lauren was thinking was logical -- the voices had completely corrupted her mind. What with falling a thousand feet a minute in a desperate attempt to save her best friend, there was no time, nor space, for logic or any calculations. You're not important! Briar was always a few feet beneath her. She felt like she could grasp her and haul her to safety, but whenever she tried to reach towards her, a gust of wind would blow her backwards, almost making her hit the cliff wall on her head. Wincing in pain, she looked back down at the struggling Briar, still feet beneath her. She struggled, but knew that it all was hopeless. Briar had told her that she would have to leave her and move somewhere else. Could this cliff be the somewhere else, and now she was... she closed her eyes, wishing to spare herself the pain of having to see her fall. It was all too much. When she opened them again, Briar was gone, though that was expected. She felt as if she were lingering in the air forever, and hated it. She tried to call out to Briar, but she knew that she had already disappeared beneath the surface. Was she dead? Y- no. No. No. She wasn't dead. She could still find a way to help her. She wasn't important. Briar was. Even though she had already accepted the fact that she would never see Briar again, it was a whole nother thing to lose her... like this. In such a brutal way. She shuddered as she remembered how Briar didn't even glance back at her when she fell. Yet as she thought it, she saw an utterly black being turning towards her. She realised with a pang that it held Briar's gaze as it stared -- no, turned towards her. They, unlike her usual self, looked hollow -- more hollow than she would ever have believed possible. It was impossible to imagine Briar looking like that. Briar was beautiful. She was a goddess. A goddess that Lauren looked up to. No. This wasn't Briar. This was a monster that just wanted her gone. She could live with that being a stranger -- or even being her mother or father or Felix or Arianna -- or even Aunt Loratrix. But no, she could not live with this being, an embodiment of fury and hatred, being Briar. She stared back in bewilderment and horror. No. This wasn't Briar. She couldn't ever think her to be. This was someone -- or something -- else. No. It just couldn't be. Then she lunged at her. Her arms were larger than anything she'd ever seen, reaching towards her throat and suffocating her. The last thing she could feel was its hand on her throat. She gasped, spluttered, but the creature -- no, it was Briar, she reminded herself -- was unrelenting. She was going to die. That's what you deserve, and with a pang she realised that it wasn't the voices in her mind. It was the elements of the Cliff of Paradise, all glaring at her with utmost hatred. That's what you deserve. You deserve to see your best friend hate you. You deserve to see her attempt to kill you. You deserve suffering and torture, little girl. We sacrificed our pureness to see you gone. That's all we want. We all hate you. We all hate you more than anything in this world. We will never rest until we see you killed. You tried to save her. Right, you think that's the right thing to do, oh, the voices in your mind? Pawns compared to us. You think they're so powerful, you think they're the monsters who are best at corrupting, oh, but they're no match for us. Remember how they stayed silent, utterly silent, when they faced our power? That wasn't paradise. We just wanted you to bear the pain of the contrast, ha. The voices could still be audible when everything in front of her faded into darkness. Nothingness, as if she really were dying. ═══════════════ Then she woke up, drenched in sweat. Adapting to the sheer whiteness of her room, she blinked. It had been -- it was all so different from the Cliff of Paradise. Her room didn't feel like it was actively trying to kill her or to torture her. It just acted like -- well, a room. It was by far the most normal thing in Lauren's life, and she hoped that it wouldn't be it for long. Completely white walls and silk beds were not quite what Lauren was used to, but she guessed that she must have adored that colour back when she was two or three and choosing the colour of her room. She had just been submerged in utter darkness a moment ago as she drowned in the Cliff. She thought that she was actually going to die, drowning in the black waters. That the Cliff would be the last thing she had ever seen in her life. But it seemed, now, that it all had been a dream. A fucking dream, by the looks of it. Nothing special, except that Briar had also died in her dream (though she was positive that she was alive in real life). She couldn't be dead. She was just moving to another place. But the nagging thought would always find its way back into Lauren's head, regardless how how many times she repeated that to herself. It's just a dream, a fucking dream. Yet she could never let go of the possibility of her best friend dying and her not knowing anything about it. No. She would not let Briar die. Yet in her dream, that was exactly what had happened, even though she had consciously jumped into the black, voidlike waters to try and save her life. She would have, without hesitation, sacrificed her very essence for Briar. Yet Briar wasn't even aware of her existence in her dream. No, she's aware, she's your best friend. She repeated the same thing to herself again and again, yet the suspicions were unfaltering. What if she forgot her? What if it was a sign that Briar would never be the same to her ever again? What if it was proof that she and Briar were never meant to each other, that her admirance and liking for her was never recropriated? What if it was proof that they would never meet again? You deserve it! Somehow, despite all that had happened in the past moments, the voices in her mind had still managed to find their tongues (which she doubted that they even had). They had started piping up again, telling Lauren that she was undeserving, that she was worthless, that she was a monster. The things that she had heard all too many times, the things that she knew all too well, the things that had already been imprinted in her mind. You don't deserve her. You're a monster. She didn't feel much when the voices in her head said that because it was all so standardised, yet she couldn't help listening to it. She tried to block them out, and ignore them. But they would always come back. They were inside her. They could attempt to harm her any time they wanted, and there would be no limitations or restrictions. Whenever they felt like Lauren wasn't miserable enough, they would chime in. Always. She despised those voices more than anything, it was true. But most of the time, she would always feel that they were right, and in emergencies, such as when Briar was falling into the dark waters, they would completely control her. If they told her to jump, she would -- and she did. If they told her to kill herself, she probably would, too. She felt powerless and fragile as she sat up on her bed, her knees still shaking. She hated this. She hated everything. Sweat was still dripping onto her bed, and she bent down to take a tissue since she didn't want to bother with her wand, nor did she know any spell for removing stains. No... maybe she did, but she wasn't in the mood to apply the knowledge she got from Hogwarts in her home. Besides, she knew very well that she wasn't allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts, and had enough things to worry about in her life without getting expelled as well. She sighed. Why couldn't she just be normal? She gasped when she saw the stain of blood from her lips the night before -- there was dark red on the far corner of her bedsheets. Cursing under her breath, she tried to remove the stains with tissues again, but they didn't work. Throwing them across the room in frustration, she sat on the red spot, deciding that she wouldn't care if anyone saw the blood anymore. Her dream had told her that her family was the least of her troubles, at least for now. Soon enough, they would go up in her 'things to worry about' list. Ugh. She sometimes wished that the list could vanish altogether. Other twelve-year-olds her age were happily chatting about their Hogwarts life with their families, or attending thousands of balls, or even getting ready for Hogwarts in Diagon Alley. Sure, she'd had enough of schoolwork, but it was like heaven when compared to her reality and life outside of that place. Some of her classmates didn't like Hogwarts because of the homework. She would have gladly done them twenty-four hours a day if it meant the other issues in her life could be taken care of by magic. She didn't know what the use of learning magic was when she couldn't even fix her own life with it, but it was just something that she had to learn. Her future was an absolute mess, and not even a billion 'O's could chance that. Her life was ruined from the day she turned six. Everything had been different. She still remembered the days when she was loved by every member of the family and treated as the 'golden child', but those days were over. It would never be the same. She folded her bedsheets, keeping them more organised than they ever was. The sight of the tissue on the far side of the room bothered her more than ever. She finally gave in to her temptation and bent to pick it up, deciding that at least what lay in front of her wouldn't bother her as much as what was inside her. Seriously, if there was an award for being the most troubled person in the world, she would bet her life that she would win it. Her life wasn't that important, anyway. Unlike others, she didn't hold it in high regard. Life was just something that had been messed up, like everything else that concerned her. She hated her own life, and everything and everyone in it, too. Except Briar, Lily, Rosie, and... who else? She knew that some other people at Hogwarts hade made a positive influence in her life, but she didn't know what other people had helped her. Ungrateful. Selfish. Thinking only of yourself. The voices in her mind chanted her sins out loud, another reason why she hated herself and her life and didn't hold life in high regard. Her life, just so plainly, was a nightmare, and it was worse when she knew that the voices in her mind were right. To her, they always were, no matter how much she hated to admit it. She was ungrateful. She was selfish. She was worthless. She was undeserving. She was easily a monster, and the worst person in the universe. She would leave it to the other people she knew to judge whether those statements were accurate, but she was sure that even though they didn't say it out loud, they still hated her more than anything. She was selfish, and no one liked hanging about a selfish person. Rosie had seen through everything, seen that she was worthless and undeserving and that her family was right to hate her. She then remembered how she felt prideful of Rosie for seeing through her. That girl, no doubt, was smart. Intelligent. She was probably a straight 'O' student, and with a pang Lauren realised that, having known her for a year, she still didn't know. She then made a mental note to ask her when she went back to Hogwarts. She was sure that she would forget, however. It was just another one of her many faults -- she was prone to forgetting things, except if they were academically-related because her mind had much space taken up by the voices. The voices that were supposed to act as a guide to Lauren in replacement of Aunt Loratrix, but had failed to do so, miserably too. The girl had hated her aunt more than anything due to the aftermath of their recent encounter, and she didn't think that their relationship would ever heal. She glanced at the clock, and with a pang she realised that it was eleven, in the morning. It was most unusual for her, because she, Lauren, had slept at twelve the night before; not one, not two, not three, not four. She usually slept only for four or five hours each night, namely due to the nightmares that had frequently shaken her to reality. She hated them. Even when she was sleeping, she would still have to endure torture. It was never-ending. It was eternal. She had long learned that eternality is the worst thing that could ever happen. Her sister, Arianna, had long dreamed of living forever, for her life was like that of a princess on the other side of the Vanes manor. She was loved. She had... decent grades, though Lauren was privately sure that she didn't get as many 'O's as she, Lauren did, but she didn't get any stupid 'A's, either. It was one of the reasons why Arianna looked down on Lauren so much -- she had once gotten an 'A'. The Vanes manor felt less like home than Hogwarts ever did. In her school, she was loved. Not necessarily loved, but liked, by some of the people. Like Briar, even though Lauren knew that she deserved to be hated, as reminded by the voices in her mind. They were always influencing what she thought, turning them to the opposite direction. The voices in her mind just hated her more than anything, which, again, was something that Lauren was more used to than just about anything else. Desperate to put herself off the voices, she began to drift her mind to a different topic altogether -- whether or not she should skip breakfast. She didn't want to appear in front of the Vanes family in such a state, nor did she want anyone to find out about the blood. Hopefully, she would not have left a stain of it on the toilet the night before, but Lauren wasn't sure. Judging by how everything seemed to be going on nicely outside of Lauren's room, she thought that she had managed to get everything in its place last night, even in the dark. No, everything was in its place. Lauren could not have it otherwise, and she doubted that her mother or father could, either. She opened the door to her room, peeking to see if her assumption was correct, but of course nothing was visible. She therefore decided to shut the door behind her, and creep up to the toilet to see if any blood was there. Not a sign of it remained. A smile crept into her face, but she brushed it off. Nothing was worth smiling about, ever, in her life. She went towards the breakfast table, but saw nothing on it. Arianna smiled, and she knew that her sister had eaten her portion. Defeated, she could only go back into her room, knowing that this, along with the one in her mind, were battles that were difficult, if not impossible, to win. For a start, they would take much determination -- perhaps more, much more, than Lauren could ever muster. But out of the corner of her eye, Lauren spotted Arianna wearing a black robe with a tinge of blue. And that was when it occurred to her that it was September first, and school was starting. The familiar tint of determination surged through her now, more fiercely than it had been in two months. |
yada yada yada |
| interacting; @me | |
lauren; parseltongue; others; thoughts | |
date; 31.08.26 - 01.09.26 | |
wc; 12,182/200 |
- permission granted to godmod briar anderson -
| 𝓼𝓽𝓪 2 | 𝓮𝓿𝓪 3 | 𝓼𝓽𝓻 1 | 𝔀𝓲𝓼 8 | 𝓪𝓻𝓬 8 | 𝓪𝓬𝓬 8 | XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX | lauren vanes | parselmouth |
| ❝kill them with success and bury them with a smile.❞ |