Thinking Out Loud II: Too Loud finished

"...why would you do that? Do you think this is funny?"

The Hufflepuff opened her mouth, as if to say something, to say anything, but no sounds came out of her mouth. The American who always had something catty or snark to say was, for once in her life, dead silent. For the first time in a while, Ami was completely speechless, and it was not a good look on her. What was she supposed to say to that? The two of them had always laughed together about anything and everything, and as a result, Ami had never been lectured by Scott before. Really, the only people she'd been lectured by were her parents and her professors. Obviously, she hated this sensation, and for the very first time in the history of their friendship, she narrowed her eyes at Scott in something that almost resembled hate.

No... not hate. More like confusion. Ami was confused a lot, but she'd never felt confused about her friendship with Scott. Unconditional support, that was the unspoken rule between the two of them. Why did everything have to change so suddenly, and all because of a stupid girl! Everything was changing, against both of their wills and best efforts, and there was nothing that they could do to stop it. Their efforts were futile, especially when you considered that Ami's efforts were actually aiding these winds of change. If it was up to the powers that be, they'd even go as far as to whisper that an east wind was coming.

"She's mortified! Couldn't you tell?! You can't just do things like that to- it's not all right! And not true, or- well, it's.... it's..."

Mortified? Ami balked as she realized, with a sinking feeling in her stomach, that Scott actually cared about the idiotic Gryffindor brat. Oh dear god... no. They had had a deal, and Scott just broke that deal. She could see it now: Scott would leave her for this stinky, spoiled little princess, and their friendship would be toast. Little did she know, it would be toast either way, so I don't know why she's even trying.

For the record, Ami didn't cry easily. Even as a baby, it was mostly screaming and throwing things rather than outright crying, so it was truly significant when she burst into tears. And she wasn't a pretty crier, either- it was full-on snot-faced, flushed skin, along with the puffy red eyes and uncontrollable hiccuping. So obviously, when she felt the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes and her chest heaving up and down as she struggled to gain control of her breath, Ami panicked. She wasn't prone to panic attacks, but she could feel the overwhelming sense of spiraling out of control rising up through her body, and she hated it. She had always prided herself on her ability to stay in control of herself, whether it was her body or her emotions, but she could feel her iron grip on both slipping.

"I'm going. And I think Chad should do the same. He's embarrassing himself.”

Ami's hand went to her head at Scott's words, sweeping her fedora off her head into her hands. She wasn't Chad anymore, she didn't feel like Chad anymore- she hadn't, for the past few minutes. Not with all the emotion boiling up in her blood, she couldn't be the cool and level-headed Chad. As she rushed after Scott, her hand at the back of her head was hurriedly undoing all the pins that held her hair in place, dropping them to the ground as she followed closely behind her best friend (?). Shaking her head and letting her hair fall free, Ami cast her fedora to the side as she made her way through the sea of people.

“I didn’t ask you to come with. But you’re coming with anyway, aren’t you?”

"Of course I am," Ami retorted, feeling the words coming back into her throat. Her voice cracked halfway through, though, and she could feel the panic flooding back into her mind. Her words had the slightest hint of venom behind them, feeling defensive as she heard the anger and exasperation in Scott's voice. And her voice crack, that was just another thing that was changing- a painful reminder that she no longer had control of things like she used to.

"Why are you so upset?" Hah, he was upset? Why didn't she look in a mirror? She was getting better at picking up on these little emotional cues, but that didn't mean she was any better at knowing what to do with them. Her eyebrows were starting to creep closer together, resembling a facial expression she hadn't had to pull out for a while: a frown. "It's Ana's fault for being so... clingy, and over the top. It's disgusting."

They were... they were at the Great Lake. A year ago, they were here, too, although they were under different circumstances. Last year... it was because Ami had been freaking out over fire, wasn't it? She'd grown out of that now, of course, and learned to contain and compartmentalize her fears. But now... why were they here? It wasn't like Scott was afraid of something right now, was he? No, that would be impossible. There was nothing to be afraid of. After all, it was just her; and Ami was, in her humble opinion, the best best friend to ever be a friend.

"I imagine you're not finished, with whatever that was. Not done with the joke."

As she made her way over to Scott on the beach, she was tempted to try and crack a joke. In fact, she was about to, with a smartass grin on her face and her mouth open and ready to let one loose, but the expression on her best friend's face stopped her right in her tracks. She... she couldn't quite place it, but she recognized it as the same expression her mother had worn when her dad had explained that he was going to reenlist. It... it made her sad, which was not supposed to be an emotion present tonight. If anything, she should've felt triumphant- after all, she had protected Scott from the evil, devious Anastasia Beckett.

And yet, with every word Scott said, Ami could feel her head dipping lower and lower, until she was hanging her head like a dog getting scolded by its owner. "It's not a joke," she said defiantly, the anger rising in her voice as she lifted her head and stared Scott in the eyes. Taking a deep breath, she tried to keep her voice level, and to stop it from cracking like it had earlier. "Why would this be a joke? Do you think I'm trying to be funny?" Exhaling sharply through her nose, she ran a hand through her hair, glancing at the lake for a moment before glancing back at Scott.

And this time, there was no stopping her voice from cracking.

"Scott, I thought we had a deal," she pleaded, her voice growing inexplicably hoarse. Okay, well maybe not inexplicably, but it was inexplicable to her. "A- and it sounds ridiculous, but-" Clenching her jaw and her fists, Ami shook her head slightly. "I... I can't lose you to a girl, Scott. It's supposed to be you, and me, until the world comes crashing down around us."

What the hell was she saying? She didn't even understand the words coming out of her own mouth, at this point.

"Scott, I'm trying to protect you, okay? You might be the Gryffindor, you might be older, you might be the man, but I need to protect you," she huffed, shuffling her feet back and forth. "From- from girls, from Ben- do you even get it?" Kicking the pebbles and sand aggressively with her gold shoe, Ami suddenly felt... ridiculous. Those words... she wouldn't ridiculous. But they were out in the open now, and she couldn't take them back.

That was the problem with words, wasn't it? Once you said them out loud, you couldn't undo it. You couldn't unsay things, especially when it was your whole heart and soul in those words. Clenching and unclenching her jaw again, Ami stared Scott dead in the eyes.

"It's for your own good."

"It's not a joke. Why would this be a joke? Do you think I'm trying to be funny?"

Sighing, Scott closed his eyes for a moment and let his eyelashes brush against his cheeks in fragile patience. He couldn't help but think of how easy it would've been for her then, to just apologise. To say that her joke had been "in bad taste", to tell him she'd go find Anastasia first thing in the morning and make up for it...

Of how easy it would've been for her to for once realise she'd gone too far, and admit he had a right to be upset.

Because Scott had been waiting for someone to reassure him of that for a painfully long time now. In fact, he'd long been sure that the person who'd finally do it would be her- the girl that had always encouraged him to speak his mind, and to not let people take advantage of his forgiving nature. She'd always validated his feelings, even when he didn't want to validate or even acknowledge them himself...

Why couldn't she do that now? Why was that so hard?

"Well. Since you weren't being polite, helpful or interesting, I didn't quite know what else you could be attempting." He snapped, and opened his eyes again. God. He was still embarrassed, wasn't he? That's where the defensiveness was coming from... But that would soon cease, he realised, because thankfully this was all about much more than the blossom ball: the emotions stirring up inside his chest weren't only a few moments young.

"Scott, I thought we had a deal."

And it must've been about much more to Ami, as well, because her voice sounded nothing like the way it had done on the pitch.

"A- and it sounds ridiculous, but- I... I can't lose you to a girl, Scott. It's supposed to be you, and me, until the world comes crashing down around us."

Really?

While her statement would, in all other cases, have filled Scott with an overwhelming sense of sympathy (after all, he shared her fear of change as well as her conviction that the two of them would stick together through thick and thin)... something about the realisation that his friend hadn't even been kidding that morning on the train, when she'd made him feel so unbelievably uncomfortable, infuriated him.

She'd known then, just like she knew now, that the subject would rattle the boy. She'd known that just by mentioning girls to him, she would trigger a fundamental instinct of his to end the conversation as soon as possible- and she'd used this to her advantage. She'd set him up only to hold him accountable now, when he'd done absolutely nothing wrong.

"We had a deal"...

Would she stop at nothing in order to make sure he felt like the worse friend tonight?

"Scott, I'm trying to protect you, okay? You might be the Gryffindor, you might be older, you might be the man, but I need to protect you. From- from girls,

Don't.

"-from Ben... do you even get it?"

"Sorry, do I get it?"

Scott looked at her in disbelief, and started brushing his sides hard with the palms of his hands as he did so.

Of course he got it. He'd been forced to get it for as long as he could remember, and by everyone he'd ever known: that he "wouldn't understand, anyway..." Because that was it, wasn't it? That he was either too young, too naive, or too dumb to even begin hearing about all the things that others were more than welcome to discuss- be it family, death, or girls... Somewhere along the line, they had just decided that Scott wasn't to be included. That he'd be "better off" not knowing what it said in his grandmother's letters, where his father sometimes took Ben, or what it meant when someone nudged you in the side and pointed with a grin.

He'd always known he'd get it from his brothers, because they were older.
He'd always known he'd get it from his parents, because they were parents.

But to get it from her...? To feel as put-down by his best friend as he did by the rest?

"It's for your own good."

"No, it's not! It's not!"

One last trace for the night, of whom he'd been before it all went wrong, could be seen in his face just then. Because for a short moment, genuine fear flashed past it at the sound of his own, suddenly very loud and unfamiliar voice. His yell. And this expression lasted for all of those two and a half seconds it took for the words to die out somewhere between the trees, after having bounced from stone to stone a couple of times across the beach.

There it went. The last drop.

Swallowing, and trying desperately to lower his voice again (though only managing to sound like he had something stuck in his throat), Scott stared at her with his mouth and nose scrunched up in abhorrence- speaking his next words very quickly, in order to get to the end of his thought before his voice got a chance to break:

"It's not. You know it isn't, and you shouldn't ever say that it is. Because that's what he says, what she says, and what they all say even though it's never true! Only I know when it's true!"

Right in time. Scott closed his mouth quickly as he felt the emotions overwhelm him, and swallowed hard. Yet he was surprised to find that his eyes, fixed as they were coldly on his friend, remained dry... He didn't often cry, Scott, but he would've thought this was exactly the kind of confrontation that would do the trick. Why wasn't he crying?

Oh, because he was mad.

His yell might've died out, but her voice still echoed from ear to ear within him. It was humiliating to imagine how she must see him now, and how she must've always seen him... because which one was it? Young, naive or dumb?

"It's simple, Ami: you wanted to be mean, so you were mean. Because if you were truly scared of something, like you say you were, then you would've told me that. In private, and wearing your own clothes. But instead you decided to dress up, and try to make a friend of mine cry in front of the whole student body. And for what? For being there? For being a girl? I never asked for protecting, and I certainly don't need it."

Scott forced himself to stop moving his hands rhythmically along his sides, aiming for at least he illusion of emotional control, and placed them harshly inside his wide pockets.

"Not your kind, anyway."

"No, it's not! It's not!"

Ami flinched at Scott's sudden yelling, her eyes widening as she stared at the boy across from her in shock. She... she couldn't remember the last time she'd heard Scott yell at her, especially in anger. She was frozen in shock, staring helplessly at her... unrecognizable best friend standing across from her. What... what was happening? He didn't yell. She was always the one running down the hallways screaming, the one yelling at the sky anytime they went outside... Scott talked a lot, sure, but Ami was the one who was always yelling and making noise. So many things were happening and changing tonight, and the pair would just have to hold on and weather the storm.

And if they couldn't hold on? What then? Well... Ami could only hope that it wouldn't come to that.

"Scott, I-"

"It's not. You know it isn't, and you shouldn't ever say that it is. Because that's what he says, what she says, and what they all say even though it's never true! Only I know when it's true!"

She was... speechless. And truly, there were very few times where Ami was truly speechless, and this was one of them. She had no idea what the hell was happening, and she didn't want everything to be going down this way. He was supposed to have sighed, to take her side, to have apologized... but none of that had happened, and instead, she was being yelled at, like she was a little girl who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "Don't-" she started, before stopping herself. She couldn't, not right now, because even she recognized that if she tried to talk back to him, it would only end disastrously. Instead, she clenched her jaw and her fists, blinking angrily as she could feel the tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

Oh, he was mad, alright... even someone as dense as Ami could recognize that, and to be honest, Ami had never seen him this angry before. She didn't even know if she'd been this angry before, and for the first time, Ami was... scared of Scott. This felt worse than getting scolded by her father, or lectured by her mother, because she knew that at the end of the day, they would still love her. They had to, because they were her parents, and they were her family. But the cold, hard fact that Scott could just get up and walk away, and walk out of her life, scared Ami to her very core.

No. Unacceptable. She would just have to fight to make him see reason, to make him see why she was not in the wrong.

"It's simple, Ami: you wanted to be mean, so you were mean. Because if you were truly scared of something, like you say you were, then you would've told me that. In private, and wearing your own clothes. But instead you decided to dress up, and try to make a friend of mine cry in front of the whole student body. And for what? For being there? For being a girl?"

Ami was ready to say something, anything, to combat whatever it was that Scott would throw at her, whatever guilt trips, logical reasoning, white lies... and yet, he had presented her the cold, hard truth, laid out on a silver platter, complete with an apple in its mouth. That was her problem, wasn't it? That she couldn't handle all of these feelings of- of jealousy, of fear, of anger, of need... And instead, all she wanted to do was spontaneously combust. Or to cry. Or maybe both.

"So she's your friend, then," Ami said quietly, her voice wavering slightly as she tried to keep the tears from trickling down her face, even if she was doing a pretty awful job of it. She could already feel the constricting grip creeping around her through and lungs, feeling the panic set in as her voice got louder and louder. "And you think that the fact that I like to do drag is awful. That I shouldn't do drag. And you think I'm mean." Clenching and unclenching her fists, Ami looked at the ground, then at Scott, then towards the Lake. "So if I'm so mean, and so- so insensitive for doing that, then-"

"I never asked for protecting, and I certainly don't need it. Not your kind, anyway."

"-then I'm a shit friend then, is that it?" she spat at him, her voice turning malicious and cruel, her tone suddenly having a bite to it. Maybe she was more like her mother, more of a Slytherin, than she thought... "Because even though I'm fucking trying, Scott, I'm still a bad friend. Because it was never well-intentioned. Fine. And you're gonna chew me out for it. Fine!" Chest heaving as she struggled to find words to put her thoughts out into the air, her feet ground into the sand beneath them. "Fine!"

Narrowing her eyes at Scott, her expression turned stony, even if she felt like she was about to explode inside. "So I'm a mean, insensitive bitch whose friendship you don't need. Is that it, or am I missing something? Maybe I should throw in useless, or dumb, or annoying... Because I guess I can just go. Because I was trying to help. I really was, Scott. And okay, I'm not great at it. But I don't know why you're even bothering to stay friends with me if you just hate me so much."

"So she's your friend, then..."

Scott groaned in exasperation and rubbed his temple frantically. Had he not been so angry, then the boy would've probably taken this moment to reflect over how neither of them sounded the least like themselves. He was being exceptionally loud, in everything he did: in his words, his movements, his breaths... And Ami had gone quiet. She was still uttering attempts at comments here and there, and her face was still as expressive as ever, but her voice contained none of the power it usually did... Enough power to drain a room, that is.

"And you think that the fact that I like to do drag is awful. That I shouldn't do drag. And you think I'm mean."

Scott groaned yet again. This time because of how, regardless of the low regard in which he held his friend at the moment, she knew that wasn't true. Not the first parts, at least... Drag? She thought drag was his problem? No, she wasn't that daft. She'd latched onto that part only because she knew all too well that everything else he'd said, had been true. Too true for her liking, apparently, and Scott hoped that the dark glare he gave the girl was enough for her to realise that that trick wouldn't work on him- because he was not about to verbally explain to her that:

"No, the fact that you came to the ball in a suit is actually not the reason why I'm upset. Try again."

But he wouldn't have gotten to chance to, anyway, even if he'd wanted it. Because now, finally (not that he'd really longed for it) Ami had started talking back to him. And suddenly it was as if she just couldn't stop.

Scott wasn't at all inclined to believe it was as unpleasant to hear him ramble, as it was to listen to her doing it now.

"So if I'm so mean, and so- so insensitive for doing that, then... then I'm a shit friend, is that it? Because even though I'm fucking trying, Scott, I'm still a bad friend. Because it was never well-intentioned. Fine. And you're gonna chew me out for it. Fine! Fine!"

Well, wasn't she hitting the nail right on the head? Could do this all on her own.

Scott's thoughts were purposely mean-spirited enough to convince the boy that her words, which were suddenly so full of venom and spite, hadn't bothered him at all... Hadn't bothered that still so significant part of him, that only wanted to throw his arms around his best friend and make sure both of them forgot about everything. The part of him that wasn't yelling at all.

She thinks she's a shit friend. Tell her the truth.

No. Instead he stared blankly back at her, as she stared blankly at him. Ami had narrowed her eyes now, and looked like she was trying quite desperately to contain herself again... She was failing, Scott thought, because though most emotion had successfully drained from her face, and her breathing had steadied- it was still as if he could see her every thought rush through her head behind her eyes.

He couldn't read them, per se, but he'd never needed to.

She was probably thinking quite nasty things herself.

"So I'm a mean, insensitive bitch whose friendship you don't need. Is that it, or am I missing something? Maybe I should throw in useless, or dumb, or annoying... Because I guess I can just go. Because I was trying to help. I really was, Scott. And okay, I'm not great at it. But I don't know why you're even bothering to stay friends with me if you just hate me so much."

Scott didn't say anything for a little while. Had he been in his usual mood, or at least his usual mannerisms, then he would've appeared stunned. His eyes would've gone wide, his breath would've caught him in his throat, and his whole body would've tensed up as his mind tried to process everything his friend had just spat his way.

But Scott wasn't his usual self. No matter how shocking her sentiment still was, the boy's shaking hands, his frantically growing and sinking chest, as well as his hard frown- it all as if stopped those signs of amazement from showing, and from even reaching Scott himself.

Should he be scared of the numbness he was experiencing towards her? The way her words bounced off him as he dismissed them all as nonsensical attacks...

The part of him that'd been moved by her words earlier was terrified of it.

She's trying to talk to you. Tell her the truth.

But he wasn't.

So, Scott reasoned, she'd gone from purposely twisting his words, to finally settling for what he laid out for her- only to snap angrily about it in an attempt to make him feel bad? Well that wouldn't work on him. She was calling herself all of those things, after all... Ami could put on the best Northern Irish accent in the world and it still wouldn't change that fact.

It does make you feel bad. Tell her the truth.

Suddenly feeling his throat close up around something, Scott tried to clear it with a cough and turned his face away from her. He felt nauseated, and his head filled quickly with a rush of minutes-old thoughts that were apparently only now catching up with him.

What was he doing? What was he saying?

I don't know why you're even bothering to stay friends with me if you just hate me so much.

This was all so, so wrong.

"Why I'm BOTHERING?" He yelled, turning his head back to face her again.

How did he look? He couldn't decide if his face was displaying the anger he'd felt towards her tonight, the sadness he'd felt for so horribly long, or the fear she'd inspired in him only a few seconds ago. If it were all three at once, then he had to assume he looked positively deranged.

Bother... That was the word. Why did he bother...

She'd said it with such snide way, too, and with such ease that it had sounded like she was talking about some trivial chore his mother had asked him to do or... or a homework that wouldn't ever get marked anyway. Their friendship should matter as little to him, she thought. Because it mattered as little to her.

She spoke about it like she would've given up and left by now, if she were in Scott's position. Like she would've thought it was easy, unlike him- who would apparently rather stand around and yell about nothing for five minutes like an idiot. How funny.

"I'm bothering, Ami, because that's always been my job. It's not like you would do it, would you? No, that'd be terrible... It's no fun thinking of others. No fun making an effort in trying to support or understand them, when you could easily be picking fights instead! Be it with a friend or with a brother... No fun in trying to be nice even when you feel like hell. My apologies. I should've realised I know nothing of what that must feel like."

They were standing so far apart still. Why were they doing that? Scott couldn't find a reason not to step much closer to the Hufflepuff, and so he did. One, two, then three steps. The wind was blowing much harder this close to the lake, and his hair and coat must've gone just about everywhere by now. He didn't mind that. He knew for a fact it made him look bigger, in that useless yet primal way, to the girl in front of him.

"But surely," His voice now almost low and close to breaking, but he'd be damned before he let it. "surely you've convinced yourself that that was an attempt, back there? And surely you think that in telling me how much I should despise my own brother, you've made another honest try...

And that has been fun, hasn't it? You've proven me wrong."

Stop this. Tell her the truth.

"Perhaps I ought to have tried that approach myself, already from the beginning!

Tell me, Ami, because I've wondered about this. When I visited you in the hospital wing, two years ago, and you told me what those other kids had done to you- were you expecting me to fight them, the way you said you were ready to fight Ben? The way you nearly did fight Anastasia, tonight?

How disappointed were you in your friend, when I instead took you for a walk? How annoyed were you, when I instead offered you a dance? Must've thought I was a real coward then, too.

Unless of course you enjoyed being cheered up! Unless it felt nice, on some level, to know that you had a friend who tried his best to understand? And that stayed with you, without inserting himself in every corner of your life...

But no, that can't be it. Because if it was, then surely you would've done the same for me. Since I needed you to."

"Why I'm BOTHERING?"

Ami flinched slightly as Scott raised his voice, staring at him defiantly with a sneer. Why was she stoking a fire that would ultimately burn her, too? And yet, she just couldn't stop, her big fat feet tripping over her ego and pride as she stumbled through the conversation. Or, at this point, she wasn't sure if you could even call it that- it was just her screaming and yelling and throwing a big, fat temper tantrum. And yet, she shrunk before the boy who stood across from her, her eyes reflecting genuine fear at his reaction. Somehow, she still couldn't grasp just why Scott was so upset, and her prickly, defensive walls flew up.

She wasn't the most eloquent of people, nor did she have the expansive vocabulary that many at Hogwarts seemed to have. Her way of speaking, however many jokes seemed to be littered in, was usually straight to the point and quite blunt. But while it was usually efficient and effective, there were times when Ami needed a little bit of padding, a little bit of stalling to give herself time to think... give herself room before she said the wrong thing. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that this was definitely one of those times.

"No, that'd be terrible... It's no fun thinking of others."

Ami's mouth opened and closed repeatedly, like a fish, as she tried to say anything at all. Did he... did he really mean these words? She couldn't remember the last time Scott had been so biting, so cruel... Of course, he wasn't really being cruel (rather, he was quite accurate), but Ami was a drama queen. But the words hurt, far more than she cared to admit, because she couldn't help but feel like they were true. At least, partially true, because if it hadn't been true... then she wouldn't have felt so crappy about it all.

"I think of others!" she yelled once he was done with his bit, geared up and ready to start screaming her head off. "I-"

"But surely, surely you've convinced yourself that that was an attempt, back there? And surely you think that in telling me how much I should despise my own brother, you've made another honest try... Since I needed you to."

By some miracle, Ami managed to hold her tongue as Scott tore her apart, bit by bit. The persistent tears in the corners of her eyes that had just started to go away had returned with full force, threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. By the end of it, she was shaking rather violently, and her vision was blurred from her tears. It was... it was true. All of it. Devastatingly true, and it was more than enough to drive her to tears and screaming. She should've apologized by now, but she refused to sit down and seek reconciliation. She should've, she knew she should've, but she didn't want to give into the voice that had consumed so much of her first year. Of course, she wouldn't have been giving into that voice, but Scott's words and the angry thrum in the back of her mind were slowly, but surely, combining into one.

It wasn't like Scott was her subconscious, but his words felt too personal. His comments had already been internalized in her mind because she knew, without a doubt, that they were true. She was a terrible friend, wasn't she? Her pride and ego constantly battled her fears and self-loathing, and lately, the former had been winning. But with these last 10 minutes, it was gone. 2 years of actively changing her mindset had been swept away with one single argument, and Ami knew that it was entirely her fault.

But she was on a roll, and she wasn't going to stop now, was she?

"I don't need you to fight for me, Scott," she said quietly, her voice strangely steady for all of the signs that she was losing control. If it wasn't Scott... if it was anyone but Scott, she would've hit them by now. It had taken far less for her to completely snap at Dorian and yet, she had kept her hands balled into fists at her side, which was no insignificant feat. "You know I'd never ask you to fight for me. That's... that's not fair." Right, like she knew what fair was.

"Besides," she continued, turning her gaze towards the lake. She couldn't trust herself to not cry if she looked at Scott, so she kept her head firmly angled towards the waterline. "You know what? I was there for you, okay? But just because I don't show my love the same way you do, or the same way that everyone else does, doesn't mean that I don't love you, Scott. Because I do. I really do. And funnily enough, I guess I kind of thought that maybe that was the reason why you stayed friends with me. Why you were best friends with me."

That same searing pain that pierced through her heart and mind, the same overwhelming helplessness that had occupied so much of her first year came flooding back in that instant, a single tear rolling down her cheek. She made no move to wipe it away, although she closed her eyes in an attempt to prevent any other tears from falling.

"I love you, I did. I do. I don't know," she said, her voice nearly a whisper at this point, "I loved you when everyone else did, and I loved you when no one did, too. Where was Ben this year? Is he doing alright, knowing that his brother's best friend loves him more than he does? Isn't that sad? That some stupid redhead loves you more than your own brother?" That had to be too far. Ami couldn't really believe the words that were flying out of her mouth, but she couldn't stop them.

And honestly... she didn't know if she would've wanted to.

"I love you more than everyone else on this planet, but just because I don't love like everyone else, that means I don't love you. Is that right?" Clearing her throat uncomfortably, Ami took a deep breath and opened her eyes, before turning her entire body towards the lake. She knew she was just making excuses for herself, and that her words no longer made any sense, but she just couldn't back down.

"You're so ungrateful."

Scott stared at her, eyes wide. And then he stared at her some more, eyes narrowed.

The wind couldn't possibly have been this dramatic earlier that night, could it? Or else he would've noticed... Would've mentioned it, surely. Made a big deal out of the whole thing, even, before both of the girls at the ball, as if it were all something the least bit interesting- as per.

Perhaps even he was imagining it, like the young storyteller he'd always ended up being anyway.

Real or not, it was howling past the boy's ears at a volume so ferocious now, it was nearly drowning out her every word. Nearly, being the key word there- because of course nature wouldn't spare him as much as a syllable of what she was saying. Tonight would beat every last bit of energy out of him like a whip would, or so help it.

Which part was it even, that echoed through his head now? You know something is wrong when the wind you're not even sure is there or not, is drowning out your own thoughts.

Was it the part about Ben? It very well could be, because as soon as she'd mentioned his name ice and then fire had as if filled the boy from within.

"Where was Ben this year?
Is he doing alright, knowing that his brother's best friend loves him more than he does?"

How could she talk like that? How could she find the intent, ever, to be so cruel? She knew precisely how all of this was playing out in Scott's life, because he had told her. And he had told her, because he trusted her. And now she was using that against him. Trying to, at least, because as soon as Scott understood where she was going, he took a quick and painful breath of air in and reminded himself immediately of this:

She does not know him. And no one ever will, the way I do.

No. That was not it. The words were engraved in him, of course they were, but they weren't responsible for the deafening tempest taking place within his cranium at this very moment.

"You don't know him! You've never even met him! So don't you talk about my family, because none of them have ever made me feel worse than you."

Was it the part about her loving him, then? About how she loved him more than anyone else, and that he should hurry up and realise this despite of how awful she was making him feel? Could be.

"I love you more than everyone else on this planet, but just because I don't love like everyone else, that means I don't love you. Is that right?"

Because they'd resonated with him, those words, hadn't they? In some laughably ironic way... because loving people in spite of the low regard in which they held him was Scott's specialty. And appreciating the love he got back from them, no matter how meagre nor how strong, with the same blazing passion in every case was, too. It was a specialty that had come to be after years of being Ben's brother, as well as (and Scott had no idea how she couldn't realise this) Ami's friend.

The love they had could be a hard time. One was a held back, immature-older-brother-type of love, and the other a protective, almost suffocating one. But he still knew that they loved him. She didn't need to tell him that. Not even now, when they were both digging as best they could after whatever words to spit back at the other that would hurt the absolute most... not even now did he doubt it. This wasn't the ringing in his ears.

"Oh I know." He spat. "I know that you love me. And guess what? I love you, as well! Just like best friends are supposed to. It's easy, isn't it? Love is easy! It comes to you, and then you have it! But you don't have me."

No. Scott knew what the ringing was now.

I loved you when no one did.

No one.

"You're so ungrateful."

"SHUT UP!"

Before he knew what he was doing, Scott had taken that last step there remained between them at speed he didn't know he had, and found himself nearly chest to chest with his best friend. But that wasn't the worst part. Stopping himself like his life depended on it, because in some ways he truly believed it did, Scott looked down to see how his elbow had instinctively jerked back and up- and how his hand had clenched itself into a whitening fist.

He did not hit people.

Gasping loudly for air instead, Scott twisted his body quickly around to place his left forearm against her shoulder, and pushed Ami back over the pebbles more than a few steps before stopping. He let his other arm relax slowly at his side as he did so, trembling from shoulder to fingertip.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

He wasn't yelling anymore, he was screaming. Standing so close to her, his voice broke into shrill and ringing notes that he couldn't care less about: his vision was blurring.

"You're wrong! You are! Because you don't know anything. You think you do, but you don't! So don't call me ungrateful,"

Rubbed his cheek with the back of his hand. Soon as wet again.

"'Cause I've been nothing but sickeningly grateful all my life! All my life!"

Another push back.

Scott could honestly say he'd had no idea he could feel this furious. But he supposed understood what they all said now, about the thin line between love and hate: he could never feel this way about a stranger... Nor had he ever been able to summon enough energy to hate the people he did know (his cousins, aunts or uncles), for saying the most horrible things to and about him. Because when it came down to it, Scott had to suppose he didn't really love those people. When they called him things, he'd been taught better than to care. What they said didn't come from a place of contemplation, nor even of substance- they did not know him.

But Ami did. He'd desperately made sure of that. So whatever it was she was saying, she must've really meant it. And more than that, it must've be important enough to her that she'd jeopardise quite literally everything they had between them by pushing it in his face.

When his cousins called him out on being alone, Scott knew that it was on them. Their loss. When Ami did the same, it felt as though the entire world was coming to an end for him. Because she could make it true, couldn't she? That's why he'd shrugged off and agreed to her suggested "deal", in the first place. Because without her he would be alone.

That, ultimately, was Scott's greatest fear. And because of this, it was also her most efficient threat.

Clever girl.

"And I'm not alone..." He insisted defensively, after a pause of steadily slowed breathing. Although having seemingly lost much of his voice to his previous outlash... the words came out as mere and raspy whispers, instead. And they would hardly have been convincing enough to fool a young child. "I'll prove to you that I'm not, if you need me to."

With his arm, and admittedly the rest of him, too, still shaking- Scott reached forward with a for the moment being very uncharacteristic gentleness, and slowly patted the spot of her shoulder he'd pushed the hardest twice. He stared at her some more. Eyes wide though clouded by wetness now, as he seemed to suddenly run on some kind of terrifying, apathetic autopilot.

Ben was wrong. He could run out of words.

Letting go of her eventually, Scott took a step back. Then, looking above her red head as well as the black line of trees (blending as it did with the sky through his running eyes), his gaze travelled slowly from the Quidditch Pitch (wherefrom stranger sounds had now started to erupt, but he didn't pay them any mind) and over to the dark castle in the distance.

"I'll prove it..."

Starting to take slow but uninterrupted steps along the pebbled beach and towards the school, Scott turned his back to the girl in order to face what felt like the coldest air he'd ever had to breathe in.

And he missed her already by the tenth step.

What was wrong with her?

What was so messed up in that rat brain of hers that Ami decided that everything she'd said that night was okay? That it was acceptable? She'd been raised better than this. She'd been on the receiving end of this, too, but she seemed to have forgotten all of her experiences that had humbled her, that had softened her rough edges. What would her parents say, if they saw her now? Her mother would've scolded her, but her father... Lord, she didn't even want to think about her father right now, about how ashamed and disappointed he would be. Her father, who was gentle and kind, who always put everyone else's needs before his own, who had more patience than he needed.

Her father, whose qualities Ami looked for in a friend.

Her father, whose qualities Ami saw in Scott.

"So don't you talk about my family, because none of them have ever made me feel worse than you."

"Love is easy! It comes to you, and then you have it! But you don't have me."

His words felt like a slap across the face, even if he hadn't actually hit her. Maybe this was the problem with being best friends with someone, with baring your soul to someone who wasn't your reflection; they knew exactly how to make you hurt. They knew your Achilles heel, and they knew just how to fire an arrow so precise that you'd be dead before you even hit the floor. She wanted to scream, to yell, about just how unfair his words were, but they weren't. So she couldn't, and she didn't.

That was the problem, wasn't it? Ami had been mean, she'd been cruel, but Scott... Scott had been truthful. And somehow, that had hurt the most.

She should've seen this coming. She hadn't lost Scott tonight. She hadn't lost him at the beginning of the school year on the train, when she'd been spouting nonsense about everything, or when she had first started regarding Ben in a colder light. No, because you couldn't lose something you never had in the first place, and she had certainly never had Scott. She'd relied on Scott, she had trusted Scott, she had liked Scott, sure, and she had befriend him. But she didn't have him, because you simply couldn't have a person. She hadn't lost anything tonight.

Then why did it hurt so bad?

Every word he spoke echoed through the air, ringing painfully in her ear. They were both lying through their teeth, saying things they'd never say, even after one too many butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks. Or maybe these were the things they had always wanted to scream at each other, but never had the courage to. Did they mean it? Did they mean these words they were hurling at each other? Perhaps that was what scared her the most; that they had never been friends at all. Or at least, not really. Because if they meant it, how could they have possibly been friends like this, when they were feeling this way?

Of course, she didn't mean it. Ami was a genuine person who was always as blunt and to the point as possible, even if it took her a few extra words to get there. But she found herself losing energy as Scott kept screaming at her, and she found that she hadn't meant it. She didn't mean any of it. Scott was her best friend, the one person she loved and valued above all else, and she didn't want to lose him. She couldn't lose him, because what was Hogwarts without Scott? Hogwarts wasn't home without Scott.

But she found that she couldn't speak. She tried, she really did, but there was glue in her vocal chords, a sticky and uncomfortable sensation that left her swallowing awkwardly and forced a tear to roll down her eye. Determined not to let Scott see her cry, to not let anyone see her misery, she promptly swiped at her face, pushing the dampness away.

But now, whereas Scott seemed to be shaking with some sort of unseen energy or rage, Ami had gone completely still, which was perhaps the scariest sight of all. She was never still, not with her figdeting hands and bouncing legs in class, the constant drumming of fingers against a desktop while she thought, and the constant movement she was always accompanied with. But as Scott reached out to pat her shoulder, she was completely still, almost statue-like.

And then he left. Step by step, not even looking back to utter another word, Scott was gone. It was then that Ami could feel the tears rushing down her flaming cheeks, a cold and gripping sadness easing its way across her chest and her windpipe, where every breath she took felt like a sucker punch to the gut.

With a guttural, primal scream, Ami stumbled towards the shoreline of the Great Lake, collapsing onto her knees with her head in her hands. This was her fault. It was entirely her fault, and now she couldn't fix it. The damage had been done, and there was no way Scott would ever accept any apology she tried to offer, or any olive branch she would attempt to extend. There was no point in trying anymore, because she'd just lost her best friend in the entire universe.

Sobbing uncontrollably, the broken Hufflepuff stayed curled up on her knees by the lake for a good while. No one would see her cry, no one. The only other time she'd cried this much had been... well, that had been at the hospital, hadn't it? Seeing her father asleep in the hospital bed, the white blanket over his waist abruptly dropping off, the silhouette of his legs painfully missing. And it was then that she realized how ungrateful for her family she'd been. How she'd constantly pushed her mother away, despite Abella's best efforts to give Ami an enjoyable childhood filled with adventures, or how she'd hated the way her father worked from dawn to dusk, even when he'd simply been trying to provide the best life for his daughter while living in a separate country from his wife. This pain, this aching... she'd only felt it with her family before. Was Scott... family? Had he surpassed friendship altogether, and nestled into the very innermost circle of her heart?

He had.

So that's why this hurt so bad.

Slowly getting to her feet, all cried out, Ami trudged back to the castle, dragging her feet. Her outfit, which she had taken so much pride in, was now just a symbol and a painful reminder of the friend she'd lost, of the fond memories she had with him. And with a pang, as she finally tumbled into her bed, she realized just what that empty, numbing sensation was.

For the very first time in her very short life, Ami felt remorse.

thread finished.