Time Spent Finished PV Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

Classes were when Ruka realised the most how completely cut off he was from other people. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing in this case; He enjoyed being able to take notes in peace, was able to concentrate best when it was just him, but it was still strikingly obvious how people would flock into groups as soon as they were able to, would exchange notes and meaningful looks and annoying giggles, while he was usually sat by himself, relatively close to the front of class, with his eyes fixed on his own parchment and quill.

History of Magic was something he was struggling with a little bit in the first place; Dates confused him because numbers frustrated him. Simple addition and subtraction to figure out someone's age by their birthdate felt like highly complex math equations to him, and it made his head hurt like almost no other subject did. For it to be his last class on a Friday afternoon seemed almost cruel, like school wanted to send him off into the weekend with a migraine just to ruin his mood.

It was always a relief when end of class arrived, and he always made quick work of packing his bag, stuffing his parchment carelessly in between his book just to get it out of sight. Usually he was one of the first people out of the room, but this time he was struggling with closing his little bottle of ink, and by the time he had solved the issue most people were already halfway out the door. With the classroom this empty, Ruka just leaned against his table for a moment, enjoying the way noisy chatter was slowly being replaced by blissful silence.

Only once the last student had vanished through the door did he follow the crowd, a good few paces behind anybody else, which was probably the only reason he paid enough attention to his surroundings to notice the familiar face, rather than just staring stubbornly ahead as he left the classroom.

Seeing Flash leaning against the wall, trying to belong there like he was a painting hung there for aesthetic purposes made Ruka instinctively roll his eyes. He stopped in his tracks for a moment as he took in the rest of his surroundings. The light coming through the window was slowly dimming, showering the corridor in a golden shadow, a calming atmosphere washing through the castle, as if to emphasise Flash's general demeanour. It was almost ridiculous how planned out the scene appeared to be, as if the Slytherin had perfectly calculated when to appear in Ruka's line of sight to give off the exact impression of "I am only here for a friendly chat".

There was not a moment of doubt in Ruka's mind that Flash was here for him specifically; There was no reason for him to be standing around in this hallway unless it was to meet someone, and considering everyone else had passed Flash without as much as a second glance, Ruka had to assume that not a lot of second years even knew who he was. At least not enough to stop and chat for a minute.

Adjusting the strap of his messenger bag, Ruka slowly took a few steps towards Flash, a curious twinkle in his eyes.

He didn't think they had much to talk about, not after that kiss, and definitely not after the ball. Ruka didn't think Flash cared a lot about him as a person, was merely interested in the way he worked, like a puzzle he wasn't able to figure out. Flash was the type to try and understand, to collect stories here and there with a rapt, childlike fascination for how they were responsible for shaping the person he was talking to.
It may have been one reason for why Ruka had yet to give Flash any part of his personal story; What reason did he have for giving the Slytherin pieces of this puzzle when he didn't know whether he wanted to put it together to enjoy the picture it made, or to destroy it afterwards? No, there had always been precious few people Ruka trusted with himself, and Flash was not one of them. Not yet.

It wasn't like Ruka could blame Flash for acting on curiosity over genuine care - at least that was what he assumed the other boy to be doing - as he was much the same. There was all but one person in his whole life at the moment that made him act out of care rather than out of vague interest. He and Flash had no reason to genuinely care for one another, but they were both complex enough personalities to spark a curiosity that could never fully be sated. Interacting with each other was like they were engaging in a game of chess that neither of them was sure about the rules of.

Sighing to himself, Ruka nodded towards the window before making his way over there, setting his bag down on the floor before making himself comfortable on the bench-like windowsill, leaning his shoulder against the pane of the window as he waited for Flash to follow his lead.

"You could have sent me an owl," he pointed out lazily once Flash had taken whatever position close to him he was comfortable with. His gaze drifted out the window for a moment before settling on the Slytherin again with a spark of interest. "Instead of figuring out my class schedule. They call that stalking, I hear." A little teasing grin betrayed that there was no malice to his words, no intention to make Flash feel particularly ashamed for this carefully constructed meet-up. He was too curious about the reason behind it to actually start the conversation with pointless bickering.

"What's this about then?" he asked slowly, narrowing his eyes in question. "I assume you didn't just want to meet me for a sunset rendezvous."

The seconds inched as he caught sight of Ruka’s copper hair turning the corner of the door frame. He waited for Ruka to notice him, to look up from the floor and recognize his now familiar face. Ruka had never asked to know Flash, so the moment of recognition was one that Flash expected-- reluctant acceptance. He rolled his eyes, a gesture that strangely made Flash feel more at ease. Perhaps it was because his prediction was right, or because it wasn't outright revulsion. As long as he knew where he stood, he could look for the next step, and eventually, the staircase.

Ruka exasperatedly took a seat at the window, as if he was already tired of Flash’s bullshit before he had even said a word. It was likely the setting itself that caused Ruka's aggravation, but Flash hoped Ruka could humor his insistence that he maintain his image. He doubted that Ruka suspected the other part of his pre-planned presentation.

He intended to speak candidly, not having prepared what he wanted to say beforehand. It had been impossible not to run a few hypothetical sentences through his brain, or consider the crucial points of his argument which made it most salient, but the flow and structure of the conversation he intended to leave to the stream of consciousness. It was all Ruka was interested in hearing anyway, so it would be farcical to try anything else. The things about Flash’s thoughts that he was ashamed of, or felt had no meaning at all, were detested by Ruka in their exclusion.

It was part of what tired him of speaking to the general populace-- that so many people trapped all of the most interesting parts of themselves and made them inaccessible. Flash could sympathize partly, but instead of being frustrated, he had endeavored to learn how to bring the beauty out of people. Study them, watch them, ask questions, and predict their behavior. In little time, anyone would start to open up to him, tell him every detail about their lives. It was a method that had a steep price. Namely, a slow slip into ego death. Flash ventured to guess that between the three of them, they had all tried for the same goal by using different methods. None of them were terribly effective in the end, each method had dramatic pitfalls. That’s why Flash relied on others to supplement his weaknesses. That was the entire point of the conversation he meant to have.

”If I sent you an owl you could have just ignored it. You make most of your decisions in the spur of the moment.” Flash sat beside Ruka, their relative physical closeness also an intentional set piece. ”Call it stalking if you like, this was the method I knew would work.”

‘Knew’… if he had been prepared, he wouldn’t have said something so immodest. What I thought might work. Seemed most likely… damn. He sighed, trying to let his frustration be evident rather than hiding it. It still stung to act so openly, it still felt wrong. He had to fight his impulse to apologize, instead twisting his nose like he had just eaten something rotten. Ruka was smiling, teasing him. It made Flash want to retaliate, but he didn’t think it was the right time to start antagonizing Ruka, right as he intended to ask for his time.

Ruka got to the point right away, as he always did. Flash didn’t intend to try to ease into the conversation either, Ruka was pretty much always prepared for anything to happen. Flash had already done the work that needed to be done, the hall was growing ever quieter as the sounds of students flooding into the courtyard could be heard in the distance, muffled through vibrating glass. Being alone together was both good and bad at once, but the element of danger would only appeal to Ruka even more. There was a side of Flash that only Ruka ever got to see, and the verdict was out on whether that side of him was capable of being a decent person. Flash wondered to himself after their encounter that day if his real self might actually be a wretched person, one with no right showing himself to anyone. Ruka liked having that threat looming over him though, it made him feel more alive. Made him feel like it didn’t matter what happened, as long as it was honest.

Flash had considered one reason why Ruka’s thought process had been hard for him to grasp for so long. It could have been that it was just too painful. Flash tended to live vicariously through others, so treading into Ruka’s life had got him empathizing with Ruka’s… apathy. Perhaps he had no other option but to feel apart from everything, to not care anymore. Because acknowledging how lost and broken he really was would have been too much to bear. Flash could feel it, like a noose around his neck. He was tired of being told he wasn’t a part of Ruka’s life, that he wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on something he didn’t understand. Their time spent together was short, but Flash had seen it, in the light of the rising sun. Surviving was all that Ruka was doing, he wasn’t living.

”There were a few things. I wanted to have the opportunity to talk, but I also planned on inviting you to participate in an errand with me and Burnett. It's a relay race, where we'd be competing as a team of three to clear a course in the fastest time. I thought the three of us might benefit from a bit of team bonding.” Flash laid it out right away. ”To be quite honest, my only friends growing up had been my teammates when I played football. I think it helps to see someone’s true colors. How dependable they really are, how loyal they really are. When you think of your friends as a part of a team, you can start to see their strengths more clearly, and how they can account for your weaknesses.”

Flash's uncomfortable face having slowly faded away as he talked, he now wore something of a small smile.

”Also, I thought as long as I mentioned Burnett was doing it, you would agree no matter what.”

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

Ruka had to admit that he felt almost sort of impressed the second that Flash started talking. There was no pretence, no feigned politeness, nothing that Ruka had seen him show to everyone else who crossed his path. On the contrary, there was a cockiness in his words, something akin on arrogance, that Ruka took a strange kind of enjoyment from. So this was part of who Flash was; calculated and observant and so very sure of his own ability of knowing how to play people to his own advantage.

Ruka had seen that in him before, the day Flash had asked him to go on a morning walk with him. He had seen it in the way the other boy had been caught so completely off guard by Ruka's own unpredictable behaviour. Flash had tried every approach on him, had been so unsettled by the fact that his usual methods didn't seem to be working the way they usually were. The way he was talking now, unashamed and honest, only confirmed what Ruka had thought of him from the start.

"Got me all figured out now, do you?" he asked, a small smirk curling his lips. He could see an expression crossing Flash's face, something like disgust at his own behaviour. It was interesting to note; Despite trying so hard not to put up any masks around Ruka, there seemed to be something inside Flash that was genuinely uncomfortable to be showing this side of himself. It was like he was so used to being anybody but this person, that he barely recognised it anymore when he did let it come out. For a second Ruka wondered if it wasn't so much that Flash was concerned about other people not liking him rather than that he didn't actually like himself very much.

If that was the case, Ruka could relate. While he didn't think he was a particularly bad person, he was also acutely aware of the fact that he had a hard time fitting into any social setting, that his survival instinct overruled his loyalty to people ninety-nine percent of the time, that he had no idea how to talk to people normally. A part of him almost wished he was able to play pretend the same way Flash did so easily, but his more rational part could tell easily that it wasn't a successful method either, and Ruka preferred breaking apart while being himself, rather than breaking apart while pretending to be someone else.

It was bad enough that he was dissociating from other people this much; He didn't need to also be dissociating from himself.

As Flash sat down next to him, Ruka could immediately feel the close proximity making him tense up. It was something that had gotten worse ever since Willow and Alan's birthday; He had thought that maybe it was just Flash's presence, but the way his body had reacted, his brain had shut down, when Willow had invaded his personal space at the ball with nothing but good intentions made him realise that he had grown to feel uncomfortable with physical contact in general - More than he had been before already. It was like his skin was hyperaware of the heightened temperature of Flash's body so close to him.

It was a good thing that the other boy didn't waste a lot of time before talking again; There was no beating around the bush between them anymore, no easing into a topic, no testing the waters. Flash had learned that Ruka preferred a direct approach, and he was using that knowledge with intent. It should have annoyed him that the Slytherin was once again doing what he was most comfortable with; Using every bit of knowledge he had about Ruka and using it to create the perfect setting to bring him to desired results. It really should have annoyed him, but there was something in the way Flash looked and held himself that made Ruka feel like this was different from the masks he usually wore.

Talking like this did not come naturally to Flash, was clearly not something he was too happy with, and the fact that the Slytherin didn't go out of his way to hide that was something Ruka could appreciate more than the set-up itself.

Ruka tilted his head to the side and against the window pane as he listened to Flash's words, eyes sparking with interest at the mention of Jack's name in connection to the other boy's seemingly random invite to this team bonding errand.

Despite the fact that Ruka fancied himself to be one of the people closest to Jack at this school, he had to admit that he didn't have the faintest clue about the relationship between him and Flash; What were they aside from dorm mates? The first time Ruka had met Flash it had appeared to him that there was at least some form of animosity between them, some unresolved conflict that had driven Flash to seek out any kind of information he could get to get back at Jack for.

Of course, it had been a while since then, and conflict could be resolved quickly and easily most times if both parties were on the same page. From what Ruka had observed so far, Flash and Jack weren't exactly all that different from each other, so maybe whatever tension there had been between them had long since resolved. Either way, if Jack had agreed to join an errand with Flash then there had to be a reason for it; House points and some sickles were a good motivator for most people, but Ruka had learned to expect a bigger picture behind all of Jack's decisions.

Unlike most of Ruka's own decisions, Jack's didn't usually seem to be made on a whim.

Momentarily distracted, Ruka straightened his shoulders a bit as he refocused his attention on Flash, eyes narrowing a little at the mention of his only friends having been his football team mates. A seemingly randomly given information about Flash's personal life that Ruka didn't know exactly what to do with. So Flash didn't have a lot of friends growing up but had indulged in team sports. It may have explained why the Slytherin seemed to be so eager to rely on other people, so willing to offer his help to everyone he met while still calculating each and every single one of his moves. Maybe Flash had just never learned how to really operate by himself.

"Friends," Ruka repeated thoughtfully, drawing the word out like he was just testing how each letter wrapped around his tongue, as if he couldn't remember the last time he had actually used it. "Is that what we are? The three of us; Friends?" He shook his head lightly, but there was still a spark of interest in his eyes, a pensive expression on his face as he mulled over Flash's words.

There was something about them that made Ruka curious about accepting the offer. It was true, there were certain scenarios in which one could tell most about people's loyalties and motivations, and while Ruka thought to have figured Jack out quite well, he had to admit that he had next to no idea what exactly it was that motivated Flash, didn't have the faintest idea where his loyalties lay exactly and how much they really meant to him.

He was about to say something, but his words faded into genuine surprised laughter at the way Flash ended his speech with an eerily accurate observation. It should probably have concerned him how obvious it was to people on the outside that Jack was the force he seemed to gravitate towards at all times, but he couldn't get himself to feel anything but amusement at the fact. He had no reasons to hide his personal attachments to anybody.

"Is that how you see me?" he asked, a trace of laughter still in his words. "Like I'm some kind of lost dog following him around wherever he goes?" The mere suggestion almost made him want to decline the invitation on the spot, but he had to admit he was curious to observe the dynamic between Flash and Jack firsthand, and if nothing else it was definitely a comfort to know he'd at least have company he enjoyed and he might at least walk away with some participation rewards. "So why didn't he ask me to participate, then?"

It was a fair question, he thought. Ruka was arguably closer to Jack than he was to Flash, and there was no doubt that he would have agreed to join the errand with much less argument had Jack approached him about it. Unless, maybe, Jack was unaware that Flash meant to recruit Ruka as their third party? If that was the case, he was even more curious about Flash's motivations.

With a little sigh and nod, Ruka turned his head to look at the classroom door he had come through just a few minutes ago. He had expected to be back in his dorm room, doing some homework by now, not here pondering random errand invitations from someone he had done nothing but consistently step on each others' feet with so far.

This scenario, however, was by far more interesting than working on an essay about troll wars in the fourteenth century, so he had no reason to complain.

"And why exactly would you want me there?" Ruka asked, slowly looking back at Flash with something like confusion written across his face. It was the one question he was genuinely curious about the answer to. He didn't think Flash had much reason to want Ruka around more than strictly necessary, but the way he had been talking about team work and friends just before made it sound like he saw something like an ally in him, and Ruka couldn't, for the life of him, understand why.

If he were Flash, he would probably avoid him at all costs, would probably go out of his way to make sure their paths would cross as little as possible. Ruka didn't think he'd ever been particularly nice to him, at least not in the way he had tried to communicate his care and concerns, so why would Flash want that kind of energy around when he had people like Willow and Alan in his life, who were friendly and sweet and endlessly helpful without question?

Whatever the answer, Ruka would lean forward a little, green eyes locking with blue as he held Flash's gaze to be able to properly evaluate just how honest it was.

Ruka’s comment left Flash with a sick looking grimace, pulled tightly into something almost like a smile. It didn’t feel good to talk openly, but in the awkwardness there was also absurdity. Flash could still partake in the partly comical nature of their relationship, one that would have been entirely different had Flash talked candidly from the very start. Perhaps Ruka might even have liked him, but how could he have known? Instead of resenting the fact that he had misunderstood Ruka so glaringly, he wondered what he could have grasped on to that might have clued him in sooner. No, perhaps the approach itself was entirely to blame, making it obvious to anyone with excellent powers of observation that he was putting on an act.

While neither a violent reaction nor a particularly subtle one, Ruka’s body shifted, almost like seizing, when Flash drew near. It was a grim reminder of what neither of them had really talked about, as though nothing needed to be said about it. Flash had a lot to say about it, at the start of the month it was all he could think about, bringing more confusion and awkwardness to everything he did. It only made it worse to see Ruka recoil from him like that. Flash had always wanted to have an effect on people, but not one of fear or disgust. He wondered how much damage he had caused, whether it was completely beyond his grasp to make amends.

At least Ruka seemed to engage in the conversation once Burnett had been mentioned, the magic word. He didn’t know how that pesky jabbermouth had captured Ruka’s admiration so completely, but it seemed even if someone were to say the word ‘Jack’ out of context in a crowded room, Ruka would light up excitedly. The way he showed no shame in his utter devotion almost gave Flash reason to feel jealous. Flash had his fair share of fanatical followers, as much as that could be said for someone his age, but most of them had been sheep merely following the shepard out of not knowing any better. He wondered if after hearing how they met, it might suddenly all start to make sense, or just confuse him further.

Ruka’s pensive look changed a bit when he repeated the word: Friends. Though Flash meant it about his mates in Durham, the sunlight reflecting off Ruka’s soft features made him seem bemused, if not genuinely interested. Flash could fathom why, what with Burnett finding the term so revolting. He doubted Ruka would have wanted to give Flash than moniker either, the way he always seemed to be leading Ruka around in their own masochistic dance. He wondered what Ruka would have most wanted to hear. As usual, he didn’t know. He was, however, currently unburdened with having to say the right thing.

”I suppose we aren’t. I’m not so vain as to think you would bother rescuing me from a burning building.” It came out a bit harsh, insinuating Ruka would rather watch Flash die than dirty his hands with a rescue, but it was how Flash saw himself reflected in Ruka’s face when they talked. ”But that’s now. Who knows what time will bring.”

Ruka asked about this perspective, the outside eye watching him interacting with Burnett. It made Flash twist his nose again, the urge to keep all of his thoughts to himself quite strong. A ‘lost puppy following him around’ was not really the image it brought to mind at all. Even if he was being forthright with Ruka, it didn’t mean he needed to say every small thing that popped into his head with zero filter. More like two puppies holding onto a piece of driftwood, about to go over a waterfall together…

Instead, he answered Ruka’s second question, about Flash’s presence there at all, if Burnett could have easily bade him to do it without any argument. It seemed obvious to Flash.

”I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be rhetorical, when you imagine that playing out, isn’t it clear why?” Flash’s more uncomfortable faces evened out to the more neutral one. The sun from the window was moving on from the golden hour it was hitting moments earlier, instead becoming ambiantly lit like any normal evening. ”If Burnett invited you to play a team sport with me, you’d happily stick by his side and work with me out of loyalty to him. That’s not what neither me nor Burnett wanted. For things to just keep staying the same. It could be better, it should be.”

Flash stopped, realizing his pushiness was returning. Normally he would be more restrained, patient. Ruka’s gaze was drifting around, making it difficult to gauge his feelings on the topic. Maybe more apathy. Then, not even looking anywhere close to Flash’s direction, he asked his final question. Flash’s intention, as it were. Even given Flash’s tendency to endear himself to people, to an arguably unhealthy degree, one might think Ruka would be exempt.

Flash hadn’t realized it was so unclear, or was Ruka only playing with him? How could he tell, even when Ruka looked back at him, his face was inscrutible. The question gave Flash pause, not able to pithily answer with something suave and prepared. Instead, he looked at Ruka tiredly, regretting that his own feelings were being put on trial as a part of the invitation. Perhaps it was only fair, Flash should have foreseen Ruka drawing out the most painfully direct question as possible.

In the moment it took Flash to hesitate, Ruka’s eyes had locked onto his, a gaze so piercing as to feel like a dagger pointed at his face. It was a fair question. For what reason Flash wanted to mend this trainwreck of a relationship, whether it was out of some kind of self-interest, or even wearing sackcloth and sitting in ashes. It was neither of those things, but Flash hadn’t found the words to describe it.

”Because you…” He began, stopping again, his lip quivering as if anticipating being struck. ”Ah.. hmm…”

Buying himself time wasn’t going to do much, with Ruka’s concentrated gaze weakening Flash with every moment it stayed held on him. Flash’s blank expression started melting into something sad and listless. Sometimes it felt like no words in the English language were right. How was Flash supposed to cope when he couldn’t speak?

Being around Ruka was so often painful, and left him in increasingly worse emotional states as time went on. It wasn’t surprising why he would question Flash’s motivation for wanting to stick around. Ruka had no proof that this wasn’t another attempt to take advantage of him, to use his and Burnett’s relationship to his benefit. He had to say something.

”Because you… challenge me. You both do. I don’t just want to be surrounded by people who tell me I’m right.” The endured eye contact making him self-conscious, Flash busied himself by gingerly reaching out to fix Ruka’s messy tie. Ruka was tense, but didn’t make any sort of move to resist. He must have been used to it by now. ”If I jammer on any longer though I’ll only embarrass myself. You… know how I get. Too much.”

Once he finished setting it properly, he looked over in the distance somewhere at the floor.

”I was hoping you might feel the same. Like we could learn a lot from each other. Perhaps I’m being… uh…” Flash shook his head, his entire argument was falling apart. Hadn’t he come prepared with quite a few good points to make? Instead, his throat was starting to clinch with a growing sense of unease. ”Mmh… I’m sorry, I’ve lost the thread…”

Looking back up to Ruka tentatively, he gave a stiff smile.

”You’ll do it though, won’t you?”

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

There was a certain type of tension between the two boys sitting by the window, one that anybody passing by would have probably overlooked easily. It wasn't obvious, wasn't overwhelming, but it was there in the way they held themselves, the faces Flash pulled as he talked and listened, as if it was actually difficult for him to display anything but patience and exceptional manners. It was almost amusing, of sorts, to watch the other boy try so hard to balance untainted, natural reactions with calculated, carefully constructed ones.

Just like when they first met, Flash still seemed to be caught by vague surprise any time Ruka would question his words, like he genuinely wasn't used to anybody challenging his thoughts and opinions. It made sense, in a way, that he would surround himself with mindless sheep rather than looking for people who could match him intellectually. Someone like Flash had to feel like his whole world view was crushed in an oversized fist whenever someone didn't just immediately agree with everything he would do or say.

At least, it seemed, that Flash had learned not to be too concerned with what Ruka wanted from him since their last few encounters; His next words bore an opinion so honest it almost felt vulnerable to be laid so bare in front of him. For a second, the Gryffindor didn't know what exactly to do with it, how to respond to it.

"I wouldn't rescue anybody from a burning building," he decided to say eventually, lifting his feet off the ground to pull his knees against his chest for a moment, almost as if to create some sort of barrier between them, avoid the vulnerability to lead to more actions both of them were going to regret. "I'm in no way qualified." His lips curled into a teasing smile as he said the words, but they were immediately followed by a slow shake of his head.

It was really no surprise that Flash would see himself as nothing but a disposable chess piece in the grand scheme of things, considering his general tendency to take blame and responsibility for everything, and the fact that Ruka had never actually displayed any genuine care for him before. It was difficult to argue against this opinion Flash had formed of the nature of their relationship, so Ruka didn't try to look for words that would only serve to boost the Slytherin's ego.

"You think I don't care if you died," he summarised anyway, avoiding eye contact for a second as he mulled over the thought. He wouldn't wish death on anybody, but would he mourn for Flash should anything happen to him? Would it shake him to his core to find out that the Slytherin was no more? "That I think myself too good to bother with caring for your survival, maybe?" He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as he tried to think of the best way to express his thoughts to Flash in a coherent way. A little laugh gurgled from his lungs as he shook his head again. "I don't think you're very concerned with your own survival," he pointed out with a little sigh. He could tell as much from the way Willow had cried out for Flash when the lights had gone off back at the ball, with such certainty that he would return for her rather than get himself to safety. He could tell from the fact that she had been right to expect him to come back for her.

A part of him couldn't help but resent her for putting such expectations on someone who's safety she was supposedly so concerned about.

"I think you would give your life for someone else you consider more deserving of it, rather than worrying about yourself first. Would I throw myself into a fire for someone who will most likely die trying to save a crippled cat from drowning in a river soon after anyway? I don't think so. You can save people from outside dangers, but you can't save them from themselves. Not if they don't want to be saved." He tilted his head to the side, a curious spark darkening his green irises. "But that's now," he concluded with agreement, deciding not to elaborate on the matter any further for now. With how open Flash was trying to be, Ruka had no doubts that he would continue the conversation should he want to.

Instead, he focused on the other boy's reasoning for why Jack hadn't been the one to be having this conversation with him instead of Flash. It surprised Ruka that the Slytherin seemed to think the reason so obvious, because when it was laid bare in front of him, it seemed somewhat far fetched. Whether the idea had come from Flash or Jack, Ruka didn't expect either of them to come up with such lukewarm reasoning; both of them were too smart for that, he was sure.

"And yet you dangle his name in front of me like bait," Ruka mused, brows furrowing thoughtfully. The argument made no sense to him, no matter what point of view he tried to look at it from. "Like I'm a brainless mule following a carrot on a stick. It almost offends me that you think I'd be so easily persuaded." He shuffled around a bit to find a more comfortable position, knees steadied against the window, back pressed against the wall. "If you didn't want me to agree for his sake you shouldn't have mentioned his name in the first place, but you did. You admitted, even, that you thought I would agree no matter what if I knew he was participating. What would the difference be like this? If I agreed now, knowing that Jack will be there. The outcome could still be the same, I might still work with you merely out of loyalty to him." He chuckled in amusement. "But humour me then, what is it that the two of you wanted out of this? To extend my loyalty to you? I didn't realise you two have grow so close over the past couple of months that you are discussing other people's loyalties and how to gain them."

Neither me nor Burnett, Flash had said, offhandedly, making it seem to Ruka that they had discussed this approach, that they had actively planned a way to ask Ruka to join their team that would put Flash in his good graces. Whoever had ultimately come up with this plan should be made aware of the fact that it was failing spectacularly so far.

It could be better.

But what could be better, exactly? Their relationship with each other? There was no reason for it to be any different from what it was so far, was there? They weren't in the same House, not even in the same year, which meant that there was no real reason for them to ever really interact with each other unless either of them wanted to. They had every possible opportunity to just avoid each other for the next six years and not worry about what the other thought of them at all.

So why was Flash so against simply letting it be?

It made him even more interested in Flash's answer to his next question, but what first came out of the other boy's mouth left Ruka with a strange mix of amusement and disappointment. In a way there was a certain kind of comfort in the fact that Flash hadn't come with a speech practiced in front of a mirror for hours. To see him so at a loss for words was almost kind of endearing and certainly gave Ruka a rush of satisfaction with the knowledge that he was the one who had managed to crack Flash's shell to a point where he struggled to articulate his thoughts in any way.

Still, a part of him had foolishly hoped that Flash actually had a reason for wanting him there. That there was some part of him that saw Ruka as an actual person worth knowing beyond figuring out in which way he would be able to best supplement Flash's own weaknesses.

After a moment of stammering and silence, the Slytherin finally provided him with a reason that made Ruka want to laugh out loud like he hadn't allowed himself to laugh in weeks. He didn't, however, because in that moment Flash reached out to fix his tie as if to busy himself from paying too much attention to his own nerves. Maybe he was expecting Ruka to fight him on his argument, or maybe he was just unsure about what reaction to expect exactly. Either way, Ruka only tensed slightly as he allowed Flash to do whatever he needed to to keep himself calm and focused before letting himself react to his words.

"You wouldn't be able to tell that you like a challenge by the company you keep," he pointed out, admittedly in a tone that was probably too accusing. He may have overstepped a line here, but he couldn't stop himself from letting Flash know exactly how faulty he thought his argument to be. "From what I can tell you specifically seek out the people that are the least challenging of all. You surround yourself with minions rather than friends. People who will nod and smile at everything you say, who won't think twice about how honest you are in what you're saying as long as they like what they hear." He laughed, eyes glazed over as he stared at Flash as if to challenge him to argue his point. "And you are so good at figuring out what people want to hear. You are so painfully accommodating. Don't think I haven't noticed," He gestured to the side, indicating their surroundings. "It's quiet. Empty."

With a little snort, Ruka shook his head again. "You could have had this conversation with me anywhere else. Could've approached me during lunch, or dinner, but you didn't. You went out of your way to figure out my class schedule to make sure you get me somewhere you knew I'd feel the most comfortable. Even at your most genuine you still try to give everyone what you think they want or need. It attracts shallow people like bees to honey."

Granted, Ruka didn't know about a lot of the people Flash kept for company, but the ones he did know about - Willow, Alan, Opeila - he wouldn't have ever titled challenging of all things. While perfectly lovely, they were all tainted with a certain naivety, a need to connect with everyone they came in contact with, a desire to latch onto every tiny sign of care and affection. He doubted any of them had ever given Flash much trouble about anything he said as long as he said it in a way that sounded appealing enough to them.

"Rather than wanting the challenge, I think you just don't understand why I challenge you. You've built up this system, this approach that has worked so seamlessly on everyone else so far, and suddenly there's a kink in your precarious machine and you don't know how to iron it out. I think you want to understand more about me to cover all your bases, to prevent failure again in the future by modelling yourself yet another mask to appease people like me when you encounter them again."

Taking a deep breath, Ruka tilted his head back to rest against the wall, just staring at the ceiling for a moment. He could assume that Flash didn't like what he had to say, but there was no going back on it anymore now. Either way, there was not much damage left to be done between them anyway, and while Flash was trying to be his most genuine, Ruka thought he had just as much right to be speaking his mind. Better to explain to Flash why he was unable to accept his reasons, rather than just shutting them down without leaving room for explanations, right?

The rest of Flash's words was a jumbled mess, not a much better conclusion than the beginning of his argument had been, a vague suggestion of the fact that they may be able to learn from one another. There was not much to that, in Ruka's eyes. Everyone was able to learn things from anybody one way or another, the question was rather if it was worth it to stick around for the lessons.

"If I don't know what exactly your intentions are," he started, closing his eyes for a moment as if he needed a rest from the constant awareness that Flash was right by his side. "How am I supposed to trust you?" It was a loaded question, one that was fuelled by Flash's seeming inability to provide him with well thought out arguments as well as the fact that he had been trying to use Jack's name to lure Ruka to do his bidding before denying that that had been his intention.

"Just give me one reason," he said, blinking his eyes open again to look at Flash with an almost desperate hope that there was more to this request than he had presented so far. "One genuine reason why you would want me there rather than any of your endlessly helpful friends. Just one, and I'll do it."

To think Flash had almost tricked himself into thinking it would be easy. That he was starting to understand, that he had something that would work. They were talking, at least that much had worked, but Ruka was ruthless. Why couldn’t Ruka see his side? Why couldn’t they have a nice conversation for once? Flash started to wonder slowly as an unhappiness grew inside of him, how Ruka could stand to say things he knew would hurt. It wasn’t like being bullied by someone who had something to prove, nor easy insults that could be rebuffed by any amount of sense of worth. Instead, the way Ruka talked targeted one’s entire identity. Even though he started the conversation feeling somewhat prepared, he now felt a criminal on trial.

First, the words he said so carelessly, about dying in a burning building, got torn apart like tissue paper. He laughed when he implied that Flash didn’t even care for his own life. D-don’t I? When he thought about it, he wondered what kind of value his life had. That was the point of it all, wasn’t it? To become someone valuable? Isn’t value… dependent? How much do I value myself… It wasn’t something he had ever considered, and the thought made him feel the hollowness inside him. He had no intrinsic value. If he died, nothing would be lost. The world would move on perfectly fine without him. At times, that was a comforting thought, but only when he thought it of other people. Everyone was useless when they were dead. At least in death he would be the same as everyone else.

Flash’s thoughts started to darken slowly at the corners, like a quiet invisible flame burning away at a piece of parchment. It was another feeling of his that he had been trying with all his strength to keep at bay. The last time he felt that way, he heard the call of the void, and started to consider its offer. He had little time to think about what the encroaching feeling was, or why the way Ruka spoke had awakened it inside him. Unrepentantly expressive, Flash cast his eyes down defeatedly, like a child being told off by his teacher.

He couldn’t argue Ruka’s point. There was no logic in risking your life for someone who didn’t value their own. Just because it was a good point didn’t mean Flash agreed, he thought the argument could be made that saving someone was always the correct course of action, no matter who they were. Not an argument he wanted to start, however. He wasn’t in the mood to debate moral dilemmas. But that’s now. At least he had the decency to let Flash stew on his own rather than goading him into spilling his guts.

The outside, as well, was slowly dimming. As the evening sun dipped behind the castle wall exterior, the direct bright glow had given away to a cooler, shady glow. A quiet distant sound was the only reminder that there was anyone else left on the planet.

Then, he criticized his ‘dangling’ of Burnett in front of him. He really doesn’t get it… Flash started to realize he had made another mistake. He thought he felt something at the ball, he thought for a moment that Ruka understood him. He doesn’t understand me either... One would think it would be an obvious conclusion to come to sooner, but the way Ruka treated him, he couldn’t help but feel intimidated. He always seemed to know more, have an answer for everything. God… why did he kiss me?

He pointed out the flaw of Flash’s approach, but only through the lack of information. Flash hadn’t made himself clear. Something he could have accomplished more easily if Ruka didn’t stubbornly insist that it was ‘fake’. How is talking properly supposed to be bad? Did Ruka simply hate clarity? He leaned against the window, nitpicking Flash's every word, despite knowing he was already being uncomfortably vulnerable with him. Did he like the feeling he got when he knew it would feel like a punch in the gut? There was something wrong about that, but Flash couldn’t think of how to explain it. He could barely think at all with all the thoughts running through his head at once.


”I thought the difference would be that you… would…” Flash started to explain himself, but his face flushed. What was it, fear of being scrutinized? He wanted to disappear.

He couldn’t say more, what he had expected wasn’t reality, and he had to distance himself from that expectation before it made him act too… emotionally. He wasn’t feeling particularly stable, what with Ruka having picked at all the threads that he had sewn himself together with. He took a moment to clear his head, it was starting to jumble together. Ruka continued, talking about gaining his loyalty. In the brief clarity, his sorrow turned to anger.

When Ruka started to describe his friendships, it painted a picture that Flash had all-too-often seen himself. Somewhere off in a distant place, unattached to time or space, he watched curiously over their pieces, considering his next move. Considering each pieces' potential. But it wasn’t their obedience to him that drew him to them. It was their kindness, their motivation, something that made them stand out. Ruka was wrong, and Flash was getting angrier.

Ruka started to act cocky, laughing, prodding, picking apart. Saying he attracted shallow people. It wasn’t only unkind, it was callous. How bad was his opinion of people, really? He and Burnett both had something against the friends Flash made, and the way he made them. Was giving people what they wanted supposed to be a bad thing? Flash had relented when he heard the way Burnett described it, but it wasn't as dire as either of them insisted it was. They were jaded.

He hit on something Flash had feared would come up, the idea that Ruka was nothing more than a puzzle for Flash to figure out. He feared it because it was partly true. He already knew that part of his gravitation towards him and Burnett was a matter of not knowing that bugged him like a rash. It wasn’t a hollow endeavor, though, he didn’t expect there were many people like Ruka in the world, so what use was there in learning how to deal with people like him?

That wasn’t the point, Flash wanted to learn more about Ruka, for Ruka. He felt idiotic to think of it now, but he thought Ruka was curious about him too. What he had said back then, about giving people a chance to see the real him, he had tricked himself into thinking Ruka had seen something there himself.

”A reason?” The words came out like a breath, basically whispered.

Talking the way they were, he thought he had given Ruka what he wanted, which was honesty in his expression, but he was starting to see something else in front of him instead. As contradictory as it seemed, Ruka didn’t seem to want to be given what he wanted. Did he prefer blatant disregard of his feelings, was that why he cherished Burnett so?

Perhaps it was better to leave the two to their pointless mind games, that’s what everyone else did. When Burnett had talked to him before, he seemed to imply his ‘staying around’ was something he respected. Was it not just because it was more fun to torture him than it was to wallow in their own misery? At least Ruka had seemed to be enjoying himself at Flash’s expense, but only for a brief moment. After that, he returned to looking tired.

”Maybe it’s… laughable, but…” Flash cringed to think of what he wanted to say.

How worth it was it really? Saying what was honestly on his mind was something he had tried so hard to keep locked away, for the very reason he was being given now. He didn’t want his feelings to be mocked, he didn’t want to be seen as the foolish, sensitive child he was. That was weakness, it wasn’t how a person should behave. What did it matter with Ruka anyway, his opinion was likely as low as it could be, and as far as he could tell, he kept Flash’s disgracefulness to himself, even from Burnett.

”The reason I chose to come wasn’t because I was trying to convince you to join. I figured you would. I just said I planned on inviting you... d-didn’t I? That I also just want to… talk.” Flash lost confidence with every word he spoke, he wasn’t even sure what all he had said already. ”If Burnett invited you, I wouldn't get the chance to… ugh..."

Flash couldn't formulate his words properly. He buried his face in his hands and drooped like a wilting flower, somewhat fed up with trying to find them. He had expected it to go badly, but he didn’t expect to be falling apart quite as much as he was. He thought things would be different if they both were feeling more calm, when there was nothing currently going wrong, but it was the same as it always was when trying to talk to Ruka.

Flash sighed through his fingers, the heat from his breath making him realize how hot his face already was. He groaned, low and barely muttered, a sound of frustration. It was already past the point of Flash’s flight response being triggered.

”I wanted to talk to you. Perhaps you’d be more inclined if I wasn’t so wretched at it.” Flash talked through his hands in a defeated tone. He dropped them, but kept his face down. ”I thought you might be interested too, curious about… me. Well, you aren’t, are you? My presence causes you discomfort.”

Flash abruptly stood up, wanting to run off and hide like he did at the end of most of his and Ruka’s conversations. He didn’t make a move to leave though, just stood frozen in place.

”If that’s the case I don’t want to give you a reason. I feel foolish enough as it is without trying to explain why I want to get to know you better.” Flash’s eyes couldn’t even pretend to meet Ruka’s anymore, having long found unimportant things around the hall to focus their gaze on. ”I… understand why you don’t trust me. I’m… sorry for what I’ve put you through. You must hate me…”

Flash shook his head as the words escaped his mouth, a grimace replacing it when it was closed.

”Or worse, you just don’t care. Why care about anything, right?” Flash found it easier to talk now that some physical distance had been achieved, the tension brought on by their closeness was more present than he had realized. ”Just take what you want from me and leave me for dead then. Maybe you’d like me better as a corpse, then I couldn’t annoy you so much!”


Rushed, hoarse, fists balled and trembling, Flash inhaled shakily like he was on the verge of tears. He made a move then, turning his body away from the window to shelter himself from the revealing light. His shoulders raised and tense, he put one hand on the cool stone of the castle walls to keep himself from visibly teetering.

What on earth was he doing, anyway? Throwing a fit? He could have laughed at himself if it didn’t terrify him. He had done so well getting rid of the more indignant, childish side of himself. He had endured the spider attacks, the mosp attacks, the physical and mental injuries of a year of social ladder climbing. Yet somehow, Ruka’s utter disinterest in him hurt more than any of it. He cursed the god who let him be born with a heart, to then only ever let it bleed.

”... Sorry.”

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

Ruka's insistent questioning and arguing seemed to have rendered Flash mostly speechless, like there was not much to say about anything. Judging by the other boy's constantly changing facial expressions, it was easy to determine that that wasn't the case; There was plenty to be said, but as was usually the case with Flash, he seemed to prefer to leave it unspoken, maybe for the sake of ceasing the argument, of fear of Ruka's retaliation, or simply because he wanted to move on from the topic.

Either way, Ruka decided not to push any further than what Flash was willing to give him.

What would the point be anyway? More resentment between them, more discomfort. Their messed up relationship was already tainted enough even without prodding into the depth of topics neither of them would ever see eye to eye with each other.

There were plenty of other things that were still left to talk about anyway, it seemed, and it aligned with Flash pointing out that he had said he wanted to talk to Ruka. About what he didn't elaborate on, but maybe it was less that he had a topic in mind, and more that he had genuinely just wanted the chance to have a conversation in which neither of them was emotionally compromised and people weren't literally going up in flames in their proximity. Ruka couldn't quite understand why that was something Flash would seek out, not after all of their previous one-on-one conversations, but for now he decided not to question that any further, instead resigned himself to listen to what Flash had to say about how he had assumed Ruka to maybe be curious about him in some way.

Without waiting for an answer, Flash had already refuted his own idea by pointing out what was probably quite obvious to anybody; Ruka was uncomfortable around him.

It was such a simple statement and yet brought such complexity with it that Ruka couldn't even start to understand, not even in the confines of his own mind.

How was he supposed to not let Flash's presence bring discomfort to him? Even before Willow and Alan's birthday party their acquaintance had been built on shaky footing, had been based on manipulation and emotional extortion. After their encounter at the party there had been a shift in the wrong direction, an act of intimacy between them Ruka was certain neither of them had actually wanted. The kiss they had shared had been born of confusion, fear and discomfort. It had been a panicked reaction to unfamiliar physical contact and an unusual closeness, a shared feeling of not belonging.

For just a few seconds they had been able to not belong together, before Ruka had ruined it with his own screwed up, frightened, confused form of attack.

Their encounter at the ball of all places had probably been the most pleasant out of all of them so far, and it had mostly been an act to throw off any suspicions about them being anything but a couple of friends enjoying a dance together. It had ended abruptly with Flash's request for Ruka to put himself in danger to help Rafa out of a situation he had brainlessly thrown himself into, and once their ways had parted, nothing else had happened to patch up whatever was left of the relationship they still had with each other.

So, yes, Flash's presence brought Ruka a kind of discomfort that almost made him want to rhythmically tap his fingers against his thigh again, but he didn't. He wasn't going to let Flash bring him back into bad habits he was working so hard on to keep at bay.

"Discomfort doesn't equal disinterest," he pointed out quietly, like he was revealing some sort of secret to the other boy. Maybe it was like a secret to Flash, a fact he hadn't considered before. "If I wasn't curious or interested I wouldn't still be here." He had thought Flash to understand that much without pointing it out, but maybe he had misjudged the other boy. Perhaps he thought Ruka had enough social grace not to simply run from a conversation, or maybe - more likely - he thought that Ruka simply had a better time revelling in Flash's agony than doing homework.

Maybe that much was true, but didn't you need to have at least some form of interest in a person for their words and actions to provoke anything but boredom and detachment from you? Had Flash not intrigued him in the slightest, Ruka would have not even bothered joining the conversation in the first place, and he would certainly not still be engaging in it.

However, before he could elaborate on it, Flash had gotten to his feet so suddenly it actually caused Ruka to flinch. The words that followed the sudden movement came out in a flood that poured over Ruka like a bucket of ice; Words of hatred and anger and spite, accusing Ruka of not caring about anything. He wanted to interject, to defend himself somehow, but he thought it best to let Flash let it all out lest he ended up just shutting himself away again the second Ruka said a word.

It was only when the other boy ended his little rant with a small, broken apology, that Ruka allowed himself to take a deep breath and properly take in the Slytherin's trembling form.

Something about the way Flash balled his fists in silent fury reminded him of himself, back in the Room of Requirement, crying over the thought of having to give up the only picture of his dad, pushing and hitting at Jack with all the anger and resentment of a three year old scorned. It had been embarrassing at best, but Jack had responded in kind, had pulled him close and held him without judgement.

It was one of many reasons Ruka thought Jack to be a far better person than he was himself, no matter how much he was trying to hide and deny it. Despite insisting on forming negative connections with people rather than positive ones, Jack seemed to have a genuine interest in people and how they worked, liked to poke and prod at their weakest spots to see what they were made of, tried to understand them one way or another.

Ruka, on the other hand, shared no such genuine interest in understanding how people worked, was far too stubborn to consider their point of view most of the time. Maybe it was why he had such a hard time connecting with anybody; Instead of trying to meet anyone half way, he simply looked for people whose minds worked in a similar fashion to his own. He was a difficult person to talk to sometimes, difficult to get through to, but for people who operated on a similar system… Well, maybe they wouldn’t mind that difficulty so much.

It was curious, in a way, to see such a reaction from Flash to their conversation thus far; Something so vehement and yet so well contained, face turned away for Ruka to be able to study nothing more than the tight set of his shoulders. Frighteningly, Ruka could feel nothing but slight confusion as to what his next move should be flooding through him.

He was supposed to stand up, most likely, was supposed to go over there and soothe Flash with a gentle touch, a hug maybe. He was supposed to provide what Jack had provided him with during his darkest times, comfort without judgement, empathy, sympathy, the reassurance that it wasn’t just him against the world. Yet, he stayed seated, eyes fixed on a spot at the centre of Flash’s back.

“I don’t hate you,” he finally said, voice rough, scratchy, like he hadn’t used it in far too long somehow.

I don’t know you enough to hate you, was a continuation of that statement that he didn’t allow himself to utter. Not every thought needed to be voiced, he realised as he took in the other boy’s slightly trembling frame. Words were able to cut deeper than knives, and it was in this moment that Ruka could see himself the way he never wanted to.

Cruel. Cold. Detached.

He was scared to admit that he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when he had turned into this person.

“I just don’t understand you.”

It wasn’t an accusation, just a fact. An admission maybe. Despite the confidence with which he had been tearing away at every part of Flash’s identity, had been talking about the other boy’s methods and approaches like he had him all figured out, Ruka had absolutely no idea who Flash was and what he was made of.

There was a strange juxtaposition between the two sides Ruka thought to have seen to Flash so far; One being the cold, calculated, manipulative chess master, collecting his pieces and moving them effortlessly across the board, the other was nothing but a sensitive child eager to connect with at least some part of the world, deprived of care and affection as most of them seemed to be, pettily upset when he was unable to get what he wanted.

Those two personas didn’t seem to fit together, but they were still somehow contained by a single frame, shaking like it was about to burst open and reveal all the other carefully crafted characters Flash had attempted to embody in his endless quest for beneficial relationships.

“I do care about things,” Ruka continued quietly, eyes unblinking as if he thought his stare could prompt Flash into turning around again somehow. “People even. Well, person, I guess. I just don’t understand why you care. About what I think of you, that is.”

There it was, the deep seated issue Ruka had with Flash’s insistent approaches, the one thing that kept gnawing at him whenever the two of them were in the same proximity. When he had first met Jack, he had made a big statement about how he didn’t really care what people thought of him, and he had thought it to be true, mostly. People liked to stare at the kid in hand-me-down clothes, barefoot, covered in burns. They liked to talk and point and judge, but Ruka had never much worried about it, had never had much of a reputation to uphold, could barely even understand the concept.

He didn’t exactly know when he started caring about what Jack thought of him, but it had happened too quickly for him to really work out, had left him with an obsessive need for approval, a constant fear that somehow he wasn’t good enough to meet the standards of the one person who’s opinion actually mattered to him. It was unhealthy to a point that had thrown his mind off completely, had turned him into a child carefully tiptoeing across a field of imaginary mines.

Caring what other people thought of one was exactly what made someone stray from the true essence of what they are. The confines of someone else’s eyes on them would rob them of the freedom of living an unashamed life without boxes to be stuffed into and labels to be marked with.

Hell is other people.

And Ruka had never seen anybody put themselves through Hell quite as much as Flash did.

“I’ve never been kind to you. Never been even a decent person. You’d have every right to never want to be near me again, and yet you’re the one who worries that I am the one who hates you, that you somehow annoy me.” He shook his head, an exasperated sigh escaping his lips as he ran a hand through his hair, pushing it from his eyes as well as he could. “But what does it matter what I think of you? Why is it so important to you?”

Finally, Ruka managed to push himself away from the wall and the window, let his feet drop back on the ground as he stood up and moved towards the other boy, carefully reaching out a hand to offer a gentle touch to Flash’s elbow.

“Why are you so insecure about who you are?”

It was a question that had been there at the back of his mind ever since he had taken that morning walk with Flash, ever since the Slytherin had admitted that putting on an act was something he had to do in order for anybody to like him at all. 

Why was being liked so horribly important to Flash that it was worth giving up his whole identity, all of his wants and needs, for? What use was there in putting everyone else first without any regard for oneself, even in the name of manipulation and gathering allies?

Killing yourself so others could strive was not noble or heroic, it was an act so tainted with stupidity that Ruka couldn’t even start to wrap his head around it if he tried. For as often as he wondered if the struggle of life was really worth it, there was not a single fibre in him that was willing to give it up just to make someone else’s struggle easier.

“Do you even know who you are anymore, Flash?”

I don’t hate you were the first words out of Ruka’s mouth, even though the sound of them rang like mockery amidst Flash’s indolent pity party. I just don’t understand you, was where the thought led. It was a fair thing to say, almost too fair. In Flash’s swimming thoughts all he could hear was ’I could never get up the energy to think about you, let alone hate you’, and other equally as cruel thoughts. This was why he always ran when the conversation got to this point. Flash was no longer thinking clearly, he was substituting his own thoughts for Ruka’s. Letting his version of the truth attempt to rewrite reality.

Ruka continued to defend himself against Flash’s accusations, but Flash’s thoughts rewrote them to be as hateful as possible, seeing motivation that wasn’t there. Hearing vitriol what wasn’t being spat. ’I care about Burnett more than I could ever care about you. The way you keep looking for my approval despite that is embarrassing.’ The line of thinking stuck in Flash’s mind, digging itself in like a hook. ’Isn’t the only reason you’re doing this because I’m the only one who hasn’t fallen for you like everyone else? Because you were hoping it wasn’t true? That no one who ever saw the real you would like you? Very sad.’

In a normal conversation, Flash would have built the premise upon which the relationship could be founded, but instead he was thrashing about. He was feeling tossed aside like an ugly doll, as though he had any right to desire a sense of belonging somewhere where he didn't belong. There was no such foundation, Flash couldn’t work under such conditions, without his faces and structures he didn’t have anything at all. He couldn’t be ‘real’ and ‘liked’ at the same time, a conclusion he came to long ago. Perhaps people only wanted as much ‘realness’ as was comfortable and uncomplicated.

’I keep pushing you away but you stupidly come back every time, thinking something will be different. Like we have some kind of shared pain. We don’t.’ Ruka continued to talk, but Flash only heard more chastisement. His head sunk further, tired of that aching feeling of failure and shame. ’What’s the point, even? Aren’t you only trying to prove something by using me again? Didn’t you think that you could say a few words and change how I felt about you? Isn’t the reason you care about what I think because you can’t stand not being fawned over?’

It was like he was in his bed, tossing and turning with the incessant thoughts that always kept him awake. The more they happened, the more he was starting to accept that they were the truth, and everything he had been doing to combat it was a farce. He could never be someone like Ruka, who went around doing God knows what and not giving a damn. The dissonance between their approach to life was like an inharmonious chord, grating on the ears.

Why are you so insecure about who you are? Trapped in his musings, he hadn’t taken note of Ruka’s approach, jumping when introduced to touch, however slight it was. Unable to recover from his lack of composure, he pushed his back up against the wall to borrow its strength. Who I am? You don’t understand...

One thing was clear however: that neither of them knew how to talk to the other. Their points of view were so dynamically distant that trying to see it caused physical pain. It was likely why each of their interactions were always so swiftly driven into some kind of strange intensity. Once Flash’s mind had been given time to accept it, he calmed down, regulating his breath. The castle was was cool as usual, the warmth of his sun-imbibed cloak being unhurriedly drained.

Enough of this already. Why do you care so much? You should be paying more attention. Think about what you’re learning instead. Flash’s heart had a limit. At some point it just learned to leave and let the brain take over. If he needed to, he could see himself from far away, objectively, as though he were a puppet of molded clay. He was just another piece to move around and tell what to do. He had to obey, because he had complete control of himself. He could watch himself be hurt, be rejected, be alone, knowing that the ends justified the means. He was perhaps the most important piece of them all, the one who could endure anything.

”Do you even know who you are anymore, Flash?”

Flash’s face broke out in an incredulous smile, broad and sudden.

”Wouldn’t you like to know.” His voice was weary and dull. ”In fact, if you’re so interested in me then how about you join my team? We could get to know each other. You can see me and Burnett together, too. Think of how fun that will be.”

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

It was like the lights had gone off all of a sudden.

There wasn't just the oncoming darkness to be witnessed through the window, but something in Flash had just shut off somewhere along their conversation. It was difficult to say if he had just grown tired of pretending, if Ruka had managed to genuinely hurt him somehow, or if there was a completely different reason behind this sudden change in how Flash talked and held himself.

The other boy didn't even bother to respond to anything Ruka was saying anymore, like he could barely even hear him. Maybe that was for the best too; Wasn't that exactly what he'd been trying to achieve by tearing at Flash like this? For him to stop being so considerate? To stop acting the way and saying the things other people wanted to see and hear from him?

Hadn't he wanted to strip Flash off all his masks and costumes until his core was left bare?

Was this it then? Was this what he'd been looking for?

The broad smile that spread on the other boy's face seemingly out of nowhere made Ruka's skin crawl, the hairs stand on end at the back of his neck. There was something so gruesomely unsettling about the complete disconnect between that smile and the overall atmosphere of their conversation, that Ruka couldn't help but take a small step back from Flash, like he needed to put some distance between them just in case the Slytherin suddenly decided to physically assault him for the things he had been saying.

"Flash," he said slowly, carefully, lifting a hand to... He didn't even know what he was going to do himself. Reach out for the other boy again? Run it through his own hair? It didn't matter, however. Nothing he could have possibly thought of doing mattered, because before he could do or say anything else, Flash had finally started talking again, except...

Except the words made Ruka's blood curdle in his veins, probably more than they were supposed to. Perhaps this was simply Flash giving up on all pretence, taunting Ruka the same way he'd been taunting Flash the entire time. His words were maybe simply not very well chosen - he had claimed to be wretched at talking after all - especially not in combination with that smile on his face, but they were the cause for Ruka's breath to speed up, his lungs emptying much quicker than he was able to refill them again.

One

He wanted to keep from doing it, wanted to stiffen his fingers or ball them into fists, but instead they started, like in slow motion, right against his thigh.

Two

He was overthinking this, clearly, was putting too much of his own concern into Flash's words. He wasn't supposed to worry like that, wasn't supposed to expect the worst from people, no matter how much reason he thought he had for it.

Three

As his mind counted out the last number, Ruka did finally manage to curl his fingers in, stubby nails pressing into the palms of his hands to leave crescent reminders of his own anxiety etched into his skin.

It was a threat, was the only thing he could think of. Everything about Flash's words sounded at least vaguely threatening, like he didn't really care, was growing bored of Ruka's resistance and was finally ready to lay his cards out on the table to show off exactly what he was capable of.

Think of how fun that will be.

Ruka swallowed heavily, his mind reeling with so many thoughts he didn't even know which one to grab for. Maybe it was supposed to be sarcasm, maybe he just wanted to make fun of Ruka, dangle in front of him how close he had gotten to Jack while the Gryffindor himself had spent all of April focusing on himself and being completely unaware of all the relationships Jack had been strengthening in the meantime. Maybe he wanted to evoke jealousy, and it would have worked too if it hadn't drawn out complete and utter horror first.

”I’m the one who wants to get back at him. He made a fool out of me.”

Ruka could still hear the words in his head as if they had been said less than five minutes ago, could still see Flash's face in front of him, calculated eyes mustering him like he was a mere tool to use in this petty payback plan. His mind jumped back and forth for a moment, bringing forth the memory of Flash and Rafa at the Talent Show, performing together, sticking together backstage. He could still see Flash standing there without any inclination to move as Rafa had slammed Jack against the wall like a doll.

“Your boyfriend hurt me, yeah? So, here’s what’s going to happen – you’re going to help me get him back.”

Rafa's words had not been far off from the ones Flash had said all those weeks ago either. What if this was just a ploy? What if the two of them had it out for Jack together, and this was just a show of power?

Think of how fun that will be.

It sounded like an invitation to watch, to be audience to whatever plan Flash had been working on thus far, that final payback he had never come around to up until now.

Or what if Ruka had simply grown too paranoid?

"Fine," he said eventually, once he had managed to calm his breathing down again, his voice hard, eyes burning with a warning. "I'll be there. And I'll be keeping my eyes on you." He took another step back, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth to gnaw on it for a moment. "I'm sure you're right. I'll be able to learn a lot about you."

With a sudden rush of determination, he stepped forwards again after all, chin tilted up as he came close enough to back Flash against the wall, one hand lightly resting against the hilt of his wand in the pocket of his cloak.

"But here's a warning," he said coldly, lowering his voice to a threatening rumble. "If you step even a single toe out of line you might get to learn much more about me than you ever wanted to."

With those words he distanced himself once more, letting a small smile brighten his features again as if this confrontation had never occurred between them.

He didn't give Flash the chance to respond in any way before he made sure he had all of his belongings together and started his walk down the corridor and towards his Common Room.

"I'll see you at the race, Flash," he said lightly over his shoulder, accentuating it with a little wave as he walked away.

He wasn't going to have dinner that day.

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