a transforming grade pv

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Lauren stared at the paper on her hand. Her transfiguration homework. And the letter 'A' written in red, bold letters. It moved on the parchment, slowly and painfully like a stream of blood.

She, Lauren Loratrix Vanes, was a straight 'O' student. Never had she gotten an 'E' or below in her whole life, and nor would she accept it. But her grade wasn't just an 'E'. It was an 'A' for this piece of transfiguration homework.

An 'A'. As in 'Acceptable'.

Acceptable for the professors, maybe. But Lauren wasn't going to accept it. For the first time in Hogwarts, she felt that her eyes were puffy and red. Just like the letter 'A' on her homework. It had not happened to her when she woke up from nightmares of which her family told her to die and push her into the abyss. Not when she recieved detention. Not when her siblings bullied her. Not even when she recieved the Howler from her parents saying that she was officially disowned from the Vanes Family.

Not. Ever.

But she felt that her eyes were wet. A crystal-clear tear, similar to a raindrop, dropped on her grade. It shimmered for a second, making the bloody 'A' even redder, then disappeared. She could almost hear the parchment laughing at her, having the time of its simple life as she drowned in sadness. And anger. Frustration that she had gotten an 'A'.

She repeated it to herself: I. Can. Not. Accept. This.

She wanted to hide in the abandoned toilets, and sink into the Chamber of Secrets and hug the basilisk guarding the entrance. She felt that the basilisk was the only living thing that could offer her comfort. Because it was the only thing that didn't judge her. Well, as she thought of it, her friends didn't, but they would never understand what she felt. This proved that she was unworthy. That what her parents and siblings said were true.

Some might say that she was overly focused on academics, but she wasn't crying simply because of her grade. She wasn't a Ravenclaw, unlike the rest of the Vanes Family. It was because her parents would get the satisfaction of knowing that nothing would become of Lauren. Her future was a void now. She was a failure. And her hopes of having revenge on her family by surpassing them were reduced into piles of ash now.

I'm a failure! she wailed in her mind. You don't deserve anything! You're worthless! You're undeserving of anything, including life itself! You're stupid! You're a failure! You're the worst thing that ever happened to the world, ever! How can you expect anyone to like you when you get a stupid fucking 'A'? How? You're the worst failure the world has ever seen! How can you let yourself get that 'A'? You don't deserve anything! YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING!

The voices had piped up in her mind. Again. She would never escape them -- but then again, maybe she didn't even deserve to escape them.

She half wished for the ground to open up and swallow her so that she wouldn't need to face the future and her grade. She lifted a finger, ready to tear her homework into shreds.

Sitting down on a random seat, Lauren put a hand down forcefully on the parchment, ready to release her anger, when...

When she found that she had sat next to another girl. Without knowing.

Crap.

Seemingly, the girl was having a peaceful time, and now she had disturbed it. How great. Now, with a mere look at Lauren's puffy eyes, the girl would probably think of her as a weakling. As someone who cries easily.

And that was the last thing Lauren wanted right now. She prayed for lightning to simply break through the window and strike her.

But it never happened. So she, Lauren, would have to face the consequences of not looking where she sat.

Hoping to sound convincing, Lauren opened her mouth to speak.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for sitting here, I really wasn't looking where I was going!" Mustering an embarrassed laugh, Lauren stood up.

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Lauren cursed herself under her breath. Now someone else was going to treat her like a disabled 3-year-old. Utterly amazing.

She knew that she was supposed to be grateful for her sympathy and the girl's attempt to comfort her, but it only made her even more distraught. She held back her tears, forcing them away, and turned to look at the Hufflepuff -- as it seemed -- in the eye. She was about to make a sharp retort, which would be something along the lines of 'I don't need that, thank you'. But she knew Hufflepuffs -- they were the definition of soft and easily offended -- and she did not want to leave a bad impression. Biting her lip, Lauren cursed herself yet again for looking so emotional and fragile, then opened her mouth to reply to the girl.

"Yes, I'm okay. And I'm not distraught, thank you. Sorry for taking up your time."

To her horror, it sounded stiff and formal. Crap. Now what would the girl think she was? Probably an ungrateful beast. How amazing life was. She probably hated her more than anything now. Then the voices came out again. You don't deserve her sympathy, and you're still pushing it away! You're the worst person ever!

Only did she realise that the girl herself was nervous about talking to Lauren as she opened her mouth again to correct her reply. Her reply lacked the slightest tint of warmth -- it wouldn't be a wonder if the girl was annoyed enough with her to lose her temper and leave. She tried to soften her gaze as she waited for the girl's reply with bated breath in hope that she wouldn't be easily offended.

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Lauren half wanted and half didn't want to tell the girl about what happened. She needed someone to vent to and to share her worries with, but she was also scared of being judged for getting an 'A'. It was the worst possible passing grade, which, in Lauren's standards, equalled a 'T'. She wanted to sink into the floor and didn't want to be seen by anyone again.

But what the girl said was true. Talking about what happened would indeed make her feel better. So she simply decided to open her mouth and let her thoughts slither out themselves.

"As you can see, I got an 'A' for this piece of Transfiguration Homework! I get 'O's every time and have a record for getting perfect grades in every subject! But now the record's destroyed, by a bloody 'A'! Acceptable, they say! But it's not! It's troll-standard! I don't really see what's so wrong about my answers, but apparently, I got two or three questions wrong for no reason! I was staying up until 1am trying to finish all my work the da before, and this had indeed been the last piece, but I would've rathered not sleep for the rest of this year than get this grade! It's as if the teacher wants to spite me by giving me such a bad grade! What if I fail everything and have to repeat first year? I'll never hear the end of it!"

Her voice was hoarse with despair, and she found herself burying her face into a piece of tissue. Then she remembered that she should never express her emotions openly, specifically not to a stranger she haven't even met before. Yet she had been so desperate for a listener that she forgot about the possibility of the girl spreading her grade out to every single Hogwarts student just to spite her, which would be likely as she had been quite stiff and impolite to her a moment ago.

STUPID! she scolded herself. WHAT IF SHE TELLS THE WORLD? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THEN, OPEN THE FLOOR AND BURY YOURSELF IN? BUT NOW WE CANT'T TO ANYTHING TO FIX IT, AND WE'RE DOOMED! YOU WILL HAVE TO TELL HER NOT TO TELL ANYONE, NOT EVEN HER BEST FRIEND!

"Um... sorry for doubting you," Lauren added. "But can I trust you not to tell anyone, not one single soul, about what happened?"

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Lauren managed a weak smile when the girl -- Emmy, as she called herself -- told her that a bad grade wouldn't lead to a billion more. But there had previously been thousands of exceptions in life. What if Emmy was wrong? What if it led to... another 'A' after that? Lauren probably would have already jumped off the classroom window if she saw another 'A' in her life.

She wiped her face with the tissue one more time, wishing that she knew enough spells to bewitch it and make it remove stains from crying instead of the tears itself. She could pretend that the tears were sweat later on. But now, her face was red as a tomato and make Lauren feel like a clown. She shivered as she pictured walking into transfiguration class like this, laughed at by all her classmates and dying in embarrassment.

Yep, Lauren was definitely lucky that she had come to the library and met Emmy, of all people. She seemed like a nice, friendly person -- someone Lauren wouldn't mind being good friends with. At least she didn't seem like one to spread rumors about Lauren and tank her reputation.

YOU DON'T DESERVE HER! YOU DON'T DESERVE HER KINDNESS!

She ignored it, and began to think about something else entirely to put her mind off it. Right. If her reputation tanked further, then she would be done for. Being the girl everyone gossiped about was not on top of Lauren's to-do list.

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Lauren felt that the library was somewhat peaceful as she buried her face in the parchment, careful not to be seen by anyone except Emmy (who already saw it thanks to Lauren's stupidity and lack of observation about what was going on. She guessed that she had no one to blame but herself for her crying and her grade.

YES, OF COURSE, YOU'RE TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING! YOU DON'T DESERVE HOW SHE'S COMFORTING YOU!

This -- and the guilt -- it wouldn't have happened if she just managed her time in a more efficient way. Then she could've gotten another beautiful 'O' than the dreaded 'A'. Everything could never have happened. Everything could have been prevented. If only time could turn back...

She sat in silence as the usual sounds of the library drowned out her inner tears. Internally, Lauren was still very much crying even though she had stopped herself due to the threat of humiliation, what she feared most.

Coreection: Lauren did not fear humiliation most. She feared her siblings surpassing her, her family demonstrating how they were better than Lauren and their gloating faces as she realises that her family had been right about her being worthless again. She hated it when her family was right in anything. She needed to surpass them, and would vow to try her best to do so... at any cost.

All of a sudden, she felt Emmy's gaze dart back on her, and almost jumped out of the chair as she saw it. But her eyes were full of encouragement and kindness, like her only mission was to support Lauren.

"Thanks, Emmy," Lauren replied softly, feeling undeserving yet again.

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