Appoggiatura Finished PV Ruka Tân

Shortly after Flash finished speaking, Ruka’s expression changed. He almost looked angry, or possibly just confused. It might have finally happened, he might have said something he wasn’t supposed to, something even Ruka couldn’t accept. What had been so wrong with it, all he wanted to do was say that he was willing to learn Ruka’s point-of-view. There were more reserved ways to say it, but Flash was only ever reserved because he had to be. Without his restraints, he was overflowing with a need for touch and affection. He wanted to give Ruka what he himself craved so desperately-- complete acceptance, of all parts of him. He would give it to everyone in the world if he could.

Before he could try to explain himself, or apologize, something interrupted him. Flash both had no idea what was happening and knew exactly what was happening. He couldn’t comprehend it anyway, as his brain went completely silent. For the instant that it happened, all intelligent thought had been left behind, leaving only the hind brain to remember to keep him breathing. That was it… Ruka was kissing him, and Flash’s unhinged response was to kiss back. It wasn’t like a kiss in a book, it was something confused and strange. They were holding each other, entangled, adrift in mutual disorientation. While Ruka had only just pulled him closer and passed the final boundary, Flash leaned into it, latching on as if it had been completely natural. As if it wasn’t against all better judgement.

He quickly became lost in it, despite the roughness and the taste of blood, despite the cold, wet forest, despite their lack of any real connection to each other. It became sanctified in light of the feeling brewing inside him, as though for the first time in his life, the emptiness inside of him was being filled. Something precious was being given to him, instead of taken away. He held Ruka in place, kissing him again and again. This feeling only lasted a short while, however, before his mind began to return. Bit by bit, a feeling like something was wrong replaced the soft, warm contentment in his heart. It was tapping on his shoulder, waiting for its turn to be heard, but its impatience grew as it was ignored.

I hope you know you’re making a terrible mistake. The voice talked to him even though he pretended not to hear it. I’d like to see you try and live this one down. Has it even dawned on you what’s happening? The feeling of lips pressing against each other-- he had no idea it would be so satisfying, yet as they parted that time, Flash’s heart dropped. He was making a terrible mistake. He looked at the person in his arms, eyes still wet and lips red where the pressure had awakened a bloody split in his abused lower lip. Somehow, he wanted to kiss him again.

But no, instead the swelling feeling of belonging vanished in an instant, replaced by horror. I’m in hell. He was being punished for letting go of control, that was the only explanation. He was a constant victim of his own self-sabotage, it was neverending torment. No, wait, but Ruka kissed him What… why?!

As time resumed its passage, Flash reeled back, the pit of his stomach thrown as if plummeting down a cliff. He quickly moved to cover his mouth, his lips still pressed with the memory of Ruka’s. Wasn’t it my fault? Wasn’t it because I was careless? Still he could have never anticipated that kind of reaction. Why wasn’t he angrier? Why was any of this happening?

People really were unpredictable, Ruka most of all. Flash didn’t know what to make of it, nothing that was running through his head was useful. His heart was beating loudly and powerfully, was he panicking? His face was hot, he thought he might not even be able to stand. Why, what was the feeling that was overcoming him?

Shame? Exposure? Danger? It hurt, whatever it was. He kept trying to keep it off him, but it picked at him like mosquitos on a summer night. He didn’t have time to figure out what it was, because regardless, it was clearly horrible and wrong. He shouldn’t want to kiss Ruka, that much was clear. But he did.

He was frozen in place, needing to escape but having nowhere to go. He was supposed to return to the birthday party. He couldn’t let anyone know about this, what would people think? And Ruka, what was he thinking, what were his intentions? Was this the joke, the humiliation after all? Did he plan on telling everyone how pathetically desperate he was for human connection, how lonely and disgusting he really was?

”H-how dare you…” Was all Flash could muster, his voice barely able to keep from wavering and scratching. ”You… you brute.”

In the end, hadn’t Flash’s heart been mishandled, or was it his mistake to leave it bare to begin with? The world was too cruel to let oneself be seen completely. He shouldn’t have made an exception. No single thought could settle without being whisked away again just as quickly. The moment he would start to hate Ruka, it would be replaced with infatuation. He was being pulled so many directions he felt he could be torn apart into pieces at any moment.

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

Almost drowning had not felt this terrifying. 

As Ruka went slack against Flash, letting himself be held and kissed over and over again, like he was something precious and valuable and deserving of love, he couldn't help the way his heart was pounding against his ribcage like it was threatening to break right through it. His palms against the other boy's skin - one still in Flash's hand, the other on his neck - felt drenched in cold sweat, his shoulders were trembling, his eyes squeezed shut like it was the only way to get through what was happening without bursting into tears.

What had he done? What was he doing? 

He was supposed to pull away, to shove Flash to the side, get up and leave, but he didn't seem to be able to get his legs to work. The insistent pressure against his lips caused a break of already damaged skin and he could taste the blood where Flash's close proximity seemed to have dulled his senses down before.

Flash's hand was still steadying his neck, still keeping him close, like he couldn't get himself to let go, like he was just holding onto Ruka the same way Ruka was trying to desperately cling onto the world. They were both just hoping to latch onto something that would anchor them to the ground when neither of them really seemed to belong there in the first place. 

It felt like hours, days even, before Flash pulled away without any intention of coming back for more. Ruka kept his eyes closed as he trembled, tears squeezing their way through his shut lids, breathing coming in unsteady rattles. 

While there was a second of silence, Ruka lifted a hand to touch two fingertips to the cut running straight down the middle of his bottom lip, and he just kept them there as the warm blood started to clot under his stubby nails. 

It was only the sound of Flash's voice that made him open his eyes slowly, tears spilling freely down his cheeks now as he looked at the other boy with unbridled fear crossing his features. Under normal circumstances he would have laughed at Flash's choice of insult to throw at him, would have rolled his eyes and answered with his own snarky remark, but for some reason he couldn't seem to make sense of anything at that moment. 

He was still holding Flash's hand.

"You kissed me back," he rasped out eventually, like it was in any way an adequate response to Flash's words. "Why?"

There was no accusation in his voice as he asked the question, no heat, no teasing undertones. He didn't understand, couldn't understand, and the feeling made him remove his hand from where it was still lightly placed on the crook between Flash's neck and shoulder to instead tap a gentle One, two, three against his own knee.

Shuffling around uncomfortably for a moment, Ruka pressed his palms against his shut eyelids for a long while until he could see white spots dancing behind them. A futile attempt to hide his tears, maybe angrily wipe them away.

"You should have just..." He shook his head as his hands moved to tangle themselves in his hair, messing up everything Flash had just attempted to fix moments ago. "You should have pushed me away. Why would you let me do that to you?" His eyes found Flash's again, red rimmed green meeting blue in confusion.

There was something in Flash's gaze, something that made Ruka want to cry out and run. Regret and disgust and that tiny flicker of something that the Gryffindor couldn't quite understand, like there was a completely new kind of curiosity for Ruka in Flash's eyes. Like the fact that they had just kissed wasn't enough to make him run for the hills and avoid seeing him ever again.

It scared the wits out of Ruka. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, averting his gaze to instead look down at his knees. He was still shaking. "I shouldn't have done that."

Ruka’s response was jarring. He was crying openly, rough, worn and bare. The hand held at Flash’s mouth clenched reflexively to see it, biting down on his skin to keep from crying himself. He couldn’t just let go again, it wasn’t safe. Not around Ruka or anyone. The face Ruka had was horrible. Ruka was right, it was Flash's fault all along. He became too familiar, good Lord, he used the word ‘love’. Why didn’t he choose his words more carefully?

”Why…?” The question stirred in him like a meat grinder. Because I’m a brainless idiot. A stupid animal. He let his dumbfounded word hang in the stagnant air.

For a moment they seemed to just catch their breath. Their eyes having properly adjusted to the darkness, the burning bright moon through the canopy of dead trees illuminated their frightened forms clearly. Ruka tapped his fingers pointedly on his knee, then moved to stabilize the familiar pain of overflowing tears by rubbing his tired eyes. Flash caught his breath again for the moment, his rapid heartbeat starting to tire and hurt.

Ruka questioned him again, demanding an answer, starting to show signs of fear turning into anger. The gamut of emotions never seemed to stop its spinning for either of them. He wondered if Ruka was starting to feel the same way he was-- like he’d like to just be swallowed up by the earth and forget the whole thing. Return to the emptiness, where he was safe from suffering through the constant heartache of being known. He had escaped the party to release his pent up frustration, but was any of this really better than keeping everything to himself?

”I shouldn’t have…” Flash began to apologize, but he could barely muster the words.

Was there anything to say? Would any explanation suffice? Because it felt good. It wasn’t an excuse, it was just the unappealing truth. It felt like… being wanted… How had he not gotten rid of that part of himself yet, wasn’t that the source of his tears to begin with? I shouldn’t have opened up. I should’ve known better.

Flash was starting to return, release the hysterical emotion back into the air without him. Refreeze, shut off. Still, the eyes that peered over his hand at Ruka’s own were still intensely burning with the feeling that smoldered underneath the shell. Ruka’s gaze faltered, falling to his knees instead. He apologized, though it was a bit late for that. What did it matter anyway whose fault it was. Weren’t they both just talking about how lonely they were?

”Well it happened.” Flash’s voice was cold. He wasn’t angry, he was instead starting to fill with dread. The dread of having to rip this feeling out of himself for the rest of the night. ”If you have any respect for me at all… then don’t tell anyone… alright?”

Without eye contact to maintain, Flash was able to finish his transformation. His face was blank again. Even the redness from the crying had started to clear. The only trace left was a smear of someone else's blood painting his lower lip. His equilibrium returned, he finally detached from Ruka completely and shakily stood his ground.

”I accept responsibility.” Flash’s eyes were lidded, looking distantly back at the direction of the party. ”Tell me what I can do to earn your silence.”

Even despite the maelstrom inside him, the important thing was that this didn’t end up tarnishing his reputation. He feared Ruka would hate him returning to the way he talked before, but had he liked the real Flash any better?

@Flash Holmwood

There was no real answer from Flash, nothing that would tell Ruka what had possessed him to reciprocate what had clearly been a fatal lapse in judgment.
He couldn't exactly blame the Slytherin for the way that this one ridiculously loaded word just seemed to hover in the air between them in bold letters, quivering with the fear of being answered to.

Why?

The reason was probably as simple and obvious as everything else Ruka had observed about Flash before. There was a painful loneliness shining in his blue eyes, an obvious void deep inside him that was craving to belong, was looking for acceptance wherever he set foot. Flash had opened himself up to Ruka, raw and vulnerable and without any artificial shine between them, and Ruka had repaid him with an experience that was most likely going to want to make Flash shut himself behind painted walls for the rest of his life.

And what excuse did Ruka have exactly?

There were only so many times he could excuse his thoughtless behaviour with the fact that he wasn't doing so well. No matter how restless his mind was, no matter how achingly lonely he felt himself, no matter the constant worry and anxiety that coursed through his veins to replace his blood with chilling ice instead, it didn't give him any excuse to be putting Flash into a situation like this.

As if he didn't have to deal with enough rejection for his true self already.

It was no surprise to hear Flash's voice ridding itself from anything that would betray too much emotion but it still made Ruka flinch ridiculously at the sound of it, like it was cutting through him like a knife. He didn't think there were any rules on how one was supposed to act in a situation like this, but if there were, he assumed Flash was following them perfectly, the same way he seemed to follow every other polite yet distanced etiquette in life.

This was the Flash Ruka had met all those weeks ago, gently scolding him for trying to sneak into the Slytherin Common Room, while coldly letting him know that he had the upper hand in the situation.

Once Ruka was confident that he had mostly rid his face of any stray tears, he lifted his head again, gaze meeting the other boy's for a second to watch Flash separate himself and stand. While it was probably a good idea to end their encounter before it could escalate any further, the action only served to make Ruka feel even smaller. Weaker, somehow, like Flash had torn him apart and left him on the damp grass to put himself together again.

It didn't feel all that unlike when Jack had told him to prove that he was able to take care of himself without relying on anybody else.

Was this it, then? His chance to fix himself, to show that he didn't break as easily as some other people?

The thought filled him with some new found determination and he took a shaky breath as he forced himself back on his feet, ridding his face of any fear or confusion to instead muster Flash with a curious glint in his eye.

"A favour for a favour?" he asked with a humourless laugh, shaking his head in something like disappointment. "Funny, I've heard that somewhere before." Despite the fact that Flash seemed to see himself as nothing like Jack, there were some striking similarities in the way they handled things. This business like request Flash was proposing strongly reminded him of the way Jack and Selim had been talking to each other back at the Lunar Event, like they were nothing but business partners drawing advantages from each other.

Flash had tried to gain favour from Ruka before and it hadn't worked out well for him at all, so the Gryffindor wondered what made him think that things would be any different now.

It was no secret that Ruka had fairly little of a reputation to uphold; Telling people that he had kissed Flash? Nobody would look twice at him, at least not with any less weary of an expression as he passed them in the hallways with his shiny new clothes but covered in burn marks, far too short for his age, and looking like sleep only came to him when absolutely necessary.
No, Flash had far more to lose than he did.

After all, what would people say if they knew Flash had left his best friends' birthday party to kiss a homeless boy amidst brush and shrubbery?

However, Ruka didn't feel like the Slytherin needed any more burdens to carry on his shoulder, especially not after what the Fire Dancer had just done to him. How humiliating it had to feel to Flash to be in this position with Ruka of all people right now. How thoroughly disgusted he had to be.

The assurance that Flash probably didn't hold him in very high regards at the moment anyway, seemed to break something loose in Ruka, like there was a tirade of words he had been locking away for far too long until they just needed to come out.

"Of course you accept responsibility," he pointed out, voice dimming to a hollow sound as he picked up the throw blanket he had given to Flash earlier and folded it enough to be able to throw it across his shoulder again. "Because that's what you do, isn't it? You let people walk all over you and accept responsibility when they make you feel like crap. You tuck it away in your pockets like an old piece of parchment, like it doesn't really matter. Like everything is all sunshine and daisies as long as you have enough surface connections to keep you afloat throughout your day." He shook his head in exasperation, lifting a hand to run it through his hair as he mustered the other boy's face.

There was still a stain of red smeared across Flash's bottom lip.

"The more you pretend to people like nothing can touch you, the more they'll try to dig away at you until all that's left is this empty shell you're trying to be. You might think you're so slick in using all of them, but at the end of the day, they... we are just using you."

Taking a step backwards, Ruka kept his gaze locked on Flash, face blank of any emotion as he spoke.

"If you really want to do me a favour in exchange for my silence? Stop accepting responsibility. Start standing up for yourself instead of continuously crafting this feckless persona you're hiding behind." With a heavy sigh Ruka decided to step towards Flash again, close enough for him to have to lift his chin in order to lock eyes with the other boy. "You told me nobody would ever like you for you," he remembered quietly. "But I think you might be surprised if you gave people a chance long enough to try before you lock yourself away like this again"

Flash had done his best to keep up the facade in the face of the crushing loneliness he was feeling. This tactic usually involved looking off into the distance, concentrating on the forces of nature. Air felt nothing, water vapor felt nothing. At the same time he had to wait for Ruka’s response before he could leave. Whatever Ruka decided on, he would use it to repent and continue on his path like nothing had changed.

But Flash didn’t forget who he was dealing with. He expected Ruka to chastise him, to speak his mind about everything Ruka didn’t like about him. Comparing him to Burnett, a favorite. Ruka began, starting along the path Flash expected him to travel. But then it was different again. He could never seem to follow Ruka, always just out of his grasp.

It was a lecture alright, but Ruka wasn’t just yelling at Flash for being different than him, for making choices he didn’t understand. He was talking about the flaws in the system, the logical fallacies. He described the way Flash dealt with his problems, taking the blame and filing them away. Ruka didn’t say as much, but when Flash heard it from his lips, the person he was describing seemed so pathetic.

Flash’s gaze was still distant, but the hurt from before was returning. He knew what it was like to see himself from an outside perspective. In fact, it was the only perspective he cared about. Still, hearing Ruka describe people walking all over him and using him was alarming.

Flash had plenty of rationale for acting like he did, though he could admit that he was still tweaking and perfecting it. Things weren’t as bad as Ruka said, were they? People liked him, even loved him. There were some who brightened up when he entered a room, or were able to relax when he was nearby. Was it just that they were happy to push off all their problems on to him?

Of course. Why do you even care? So what if my burdens outweigh others? So what if they come to depend on me? The bitterness inside him started to swell. It’s easier.

Then, he chose his favor. A very ‘Ruka’ answer, at least, in that Flash never saw it coming. He returned to looking directly at him, but his voice was deadly serious. Stop accepting responsibility, stand up for yourself... it was a foreign language. What was this ‘self’ he was supposed to stand up for, his head was too tired to try to think of who he was.

Perhaps Ruka meant well, and his words weren’t badly chosen in the slightest. It could have been quite inspiring, even flattering. Ruka stepped closer, his head only reaching up to Flash’s shoulders when they stood beside each other. Somehow, his intentional proximity made Flash’s calming heart start to reignite its fight to be heard.

”That sounds… impossible…” Flash’s reply was basically a whisper, as his eyes were drawn in again by Ruka’s. The longer their gaze was held, the more Flash’s expression changed. Subtly, like a flower blooming. ”Maybe it doesn’t matter. None of it matters…”

Flash touched Ruka’s face again, the heat from it feeling like it would burn his fingers. Returning to the well of instinct inside him, he leaned down again as if to pick up where he left off, but slowed to a stop as he drew close. He could feel the urge inside of him, commanding him to close the gap. If Ruka was going to have his fate in his hands, then why not keep digging the grave?

But Ruka’s breath stopped with a sound. A sharp inhale, like he was afraid. Flash imagined sitting down and watching a replay of the events from an outside perspective, played over and over again until he learned his lesson. He had to control what was on that tape. He had to be composed and well behaved.

So, he pulled back again, getting rid of whatever face he had let grow.

”Do whatever you like then.” Flash could feel it again, the emptiness. That was where he really belonged.

He wouldn’t know what to do if someone liked the real him, and there was no chance that Ruka could. Flash was powerless against him every time. If every person was a piece of music, Ruka was an entire opera. Every time he spoke, his words echoed with a story, one of a life endured. Next to Ruka, Flash felt completely exposed. All he could do in that position was try to get away.

If he let Ruka get too close, he would burn him alive. So without another word, he walked away.

Thread left unless stopped

@Ruka Tân

@Flash Holmwood

As he stood in front of Flash, too close, way too close to be comfortable after what had just occurred, Ruka could feel his whole body tensing up as the other boy's palm came to rest against his cheek again, the warmth of the touch feeling strangely chilling.

He wanted to push it away, wanted to take a step back and run for the hills before anything else could happen, but it was like he was frozen on the spot, held captive by the piercing blue in Flash's eyes as the Slytherin leaned down enough for Ruka to feel the heat of his breath washing over his face. Swallowing heavily, he pressed his eyelids shut, tilting his chin up bravely as if to face some unfathomable danger, some sort of test he needed to endure to prove himself. He wasn't going to run away from this, wasn't going to let Flash scare him away this easily.

Seconds later, however, the touch was gone, the gap between them widening again as Flash drew away and Ruka blinked his eyes open in confusion. He had expected another touch of lips on lips, had thought Flash was going to kiss him again for whatever reason he could have had to do so, but instead there was nothing but emptiness between them.

Emptiness and the echo of Ruka's words as they seemed to sink into Flash, the sound of the Slytherin's answer like an insistent ringing in his ears.

Impossible.

For some reason, Jack had sent him to a person who thought that putting himself first over other people was an impossible task. Someone who was manipulative and sought to patch his own short comings up with people to take advantage of while simultaneously letting them tear at whatever was left of him like it didn't matter anyway.

Ruka may not have been great at basic self care, but Flash seemed to be absolutely horrendous at even just recognising the value of his own life. That seemed infinitely worse, somehow.

There was no real chance for Ruka to say anything about it, however, because just a moment later Flash had returned to his stone faced self, hiding behind masks and costumes that Ruka could barely glimpse at before they moved away from him. Flash's voice telling him to do whatever he wanted to then made the blood boil in his veins as he balled his hands to fists.

It was a rejection, he thought. A rejection of Ruka's request for him to stand up for himself. For some reason, Flash would have rather endured the humiliation of people finding out what had happened between them, than to stop letting people brush off all their problems on him. Flash, it seemed, needed people around to feel whole so much that the mere thought of being his own person terrified him to the core.

Enough, at least, to give Ruka free reign with information that could potentially tarnish his carefully crafted reputation.

"I will," he shouted after Flash as he watched him make his way back towards where Willow and Alan's party was probably still in full force. "I always do."

Shaking his head to himself, Ruka lifted both hands to rub his palms across his tired eyes. For only a few seconds he waited, staring at the white spots dancing behind his eyelids. Then, with a shaky breath, he followed Flash's steps back towards the party.

The least he could do for Willow and Alan was to say Goodbye before he went back to his dorm room to never accept a birthday party invitation ever again.

End of Thread